Safe For Another 365 Days

So, apparently, Norton Internet Security is designed to protect your computer by rendering it useless.

Explanation: I'm sorry, but I have to rant about this. I just have to.


A couple of days ago, my annual subscription to Norton Internet Security expired. Since then, I have received a daily nastygram saying "Your computer is no longer safe and may explode at any minute!" So, I decided to install a new copy. This actually isn't a big deal. Well, it shouldn't be. I have a brand new copy of Norton Internet Security 2007 lying around from tax time, when I got it on the cheap with a TurboTax rebate deal.

So, I took out my new CD and put it in my D: drive. The D: drive powers up, sounding like a jet preparing for takeoff, but never reads the disk. It never takes off, either. This kind of thing has happened before. After a few minutes (literally) of wrestling with it, I managed to get the CD out and get it into my E: drive. Problem solved.

I started up the installation program from the CD, typed in my product key, and the install was off and running. It suggested that I perform a scan before starting because some threats could cause installation problems. A full filesystem scan takes about 2-3 hours on my machine, so I was hoping that it was going to do something a little less thorough. I bit the bullet and told it to go on its merry way.

The scan window was unique in that it did not show any indication of progress. It was a yellow bar that emulated the red lights on the front of Knight Rider - back and forth, back and forth. In fact, the machine gave me absolutely zero indication that it was doing anything AND the hard disk was not making the usual thrashing sounds that accompany a full filesystem scan. No problem, I just let it go.

An hour later, I still had no indication that anything was happening, so I tried to stop the process. Did I mention that there was no "Cancel" button? I went to click the "X" in the corner of the window, but nothing happened. So, it was time to play the Control-Alt-Delete game and see if I could kill the task from Windows. That worked (although it took several tries and didn't go down without a fight) and allowed me to continue. So, I went ahead and reran the install program, only to be told that "Another instance of the installer is running. Please close it and try again." Lovely. The program apparently didn't die gracefully and left some sort of breadcrumb telling other instances of the installer to also piss me off.

Next I tried to uninstall the first version of the program through "Add/Remove Programs" only to discover that it saw the same breadcrumb as the CD. So, it was time for the almighty Windows cure-all: the reboot. After an efficient 15 minutes or so, I was still staring at a blue "Jeremy is logging off..." screen. It was time to use the power button. After about two solid hours of work, my computer was now off. Not that this had anything to do with my original task, but at least the powered-down computer was not vulnerable to any internet threats.

Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I turned the machine back on. After a normal boot, I managed to get the installer up and running - the reboot must have cleared away the breadcrumbs. I was up and on my way. This time I took the liberty of skipping the scan, and the installer was working its magic. Twenty minutes later, the installer asked me to reboot my machine to continue. I obliged.

When the machine came back up, nothing happened. I went to try running Norton Internet Security only to find that it WAS NOT ON THE MACHINE. The twenty minute install had uninstalled the old version and that's it. At this point, I'm thinking maybe I should have some Lindt chocolates to calm down. But noooo, I decide to re-run the installer. This time, after twenty minutes, it asks me to reboot, and I do. And this time, after the machine reboots, the program is successfully installed! Hooray!

...But wait. When the program was installed, it wanted to download updates. So, I sent it on its merry way, and five minutes later, I had all of my updates. Life was good. Oh, and after another reboot it also wanted to scan the filesystem. Great. Knowing I had to wait two hours for the million or so files to be scanned, I decided this would be an excellent time for a lunch break.

When I got back from lunch, I had regained my grip on sanity just in time to see that the scan was complete. "Life is gooooood," I thought. Now I just had to configure the settings the way I had them before, and the machine would be good to go. Except, I couldn't find a couple of features that I used to use, most noticeably the spam-blocking. I searched all over the internet, only to find out that it wasn't shipped with Norton Internet Security 2007. But, have no fear, they have an "Add-On" I can download to get those features! Oh joy! More installation! (At this point, I believe I was drowning in irony because my own company routinely ships advertised features of our code releases via service packages.)

So, I went onto the site to find the patch, and what did I discover? Norton Internet Security 2008 is available to me for free! Well, I avoided a similar offer before, late in my service subscription, knowing I'd be upgrading in a few weeks anyway. I really didn't have that excuse anymore, seeing as I had 366 days left to my new subscription (minus the half day I'd already spent trying to install the damn thing). So, instead of putting a patch on the 2007 version, I figured I'd just throw on the 2008 version. At this point, you as a reader are probably having the same reaction as the horror movie viewer has to the person who decides to investigate the strange noise in the haunted house instead of jetting for the front door: "You idiot! Why on earth are you going in there? WHY???" But, I digress.

I spent the five minutes it takes to download the installer, only to be told that I had other users logged on and that the installation would be aborted. After much profanity,* I logged off the other account, and to its credit, the installation continued without having to download the program again. Again I had to deal with an installer that used the "Knight Rider" style of status meter. Then, after it churned for about ten minutes, I saw a window had popped up indicating that it was "Gathering error information". Not good. That churned for five minutes and then asked me if would be OK to send that information to the good people at Symantec.**

I said "OK", knowing it would never be seen and pretending that it was instead an obscenity-laden email to the developers of this installer. The installation kept going (with absolutely no mention of the fact that an error had occurred) and asked me to reboot again. Hey, why not? I rebooted the machine and voila! Norton Internet Security 2008 is ready to roll!

My first screen said "Security Status At Risk" in large letters. There were a bunch of things like "Protection Updates," "Inbound Firewall," and "Advanced Firewall" that all had "At Risk" in alarmingly red text next to them. I also had several amber (and slightly less alarming) "Attention" items. Luckily for me, the window also contained a big "FIX NOW" button. With everything the installer put me through, it was nice to have a clear, intuitive user interface to make things right. I clicked the button and a window blinked up on the screen and then vanished. Nothing on the screen changed. I was pretty sure I could make out the Knight Rider status bar in that window, too. This is the best part: After clicking the window several times, I saw that it said: "Please wait while Norton fixes your problems." Are they firing their developers??? That might help.

Not one to be easily discouraged (if you couldn't tell already) I found the only thing in the window I could click - a tab which took me from "Home" to "Norton Internet Security". Under that tab, in alarmingly red bold text, it said, "Configuration is not complete." Luckily there was a large blue "Configure" button just waiting for me to click it. If my configuration was not complete, it seemed intuitive to me that configuring was the way to go, so I clicked it. It did nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not even one of those quick blinking windows. At this point, I had no idea what to do.

After hunting around the screen for anything, ANYTHING to click, I noticed that there was some clickable white text that said "Run Live Update". There was absolutely nothing about this text that would have drawn my attention to it other than the fact that I had run out of other things to click. So my download began.

Things went nice and smoothly after I clicked on the magic text. Here's a brief summary:

• Several minutes of downloading
• Rebooted
• Configured NIS 2008 to my liking
• Turns out with NIS 2008, I STILL need an "Add-on Pack"
• Attempted my own lobotomy
• Downloaded the Add-on Pack
• Installed it
• Rebooted
• Downloaded more updates
• Realized that I could have watched all three Lord of the Rings movies in the time it took to do this. Hell, I could have taken my own ring to Mount Doom.
• Rebooted
• Collapsed

So, I'm here to tell you that in nine easy hours and only eight reboots, you too can renew your subscription to Norton Internet Security. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a Windows security update that I need to take care of.

*I have a unique configuration in that my machine automatically logs in as one user (me), but Norton was installed under another user (Administrator). So, every time I rebooted, I would switch users (annoying), only to be yelled at later because other users were logged in (infuriating). I probably saw this message about ten times during the whole ordeal.

**Perhaps "good people" is a bit too polite. I try to keep these posts as clean as I can. Maybe I could get away with "rhymes with 'wig trucking snow gallant pass downs'"...

Dog License

From the archives:

After moving to Texas about 25 years ago, my grandfather bought a puppy. Nobody in his neighborhood knew anything about dog licenses, but he figured if he went to the municipal building where they issued everything (marriage licenses, fishing licenses, hunting licenses, etc.) he'd be able to pick one up. When he got there, he asked the receptionist where he could go to get a dog license. She looked appauled. "YOU'RE GOING TO HUNT DOGS???"

Source: This is a true story. Texas is a very, very different place than New Jersey.

Sorbet Saturday, Part 3

From the archives:

In many ways, the weather today is not unlike Sam's sorbet was: It's really cold, it's coated with ice, and it'll take Sam five times as long as it should to get through it.

Explanation: Yes, it's time for yet another dig at Sam's sorbet difficulties. This one came during the dead of winter, which it isn't right now, but I'm guessing it's more brisk today than it will be next Saturday, when I run the exciting conclusion of the Sorbet Saturday series!

Special Blog Bonus: Just for the heck of it, here's a comic, too:

A Quick Explanation

Continuing my new tradition of the occasional non-status post, I feel like I should provide a quick explanation of something, since I feel some people who don't know all parties involved may be a bit confused. I am very much involved and occasionally this confuses me.

Several years ago, while playing volleyball, I met another gentleman who also happened to be named Jeremy. It turns out he happens to work for the same company as I do. In fact, it turns out that he also happens to change his Sametime status message daily and has a group of consistent readers.

To make things easier for friends and associates, I refer to him as "Evil Jeremy." Unlike me, he has a goatee, which is as sure a sign of an evil twin as any in this world.* He, in turn, refers to me as "Evil Jeremy," because the evil version of myself would obviously see me as the evil version of himself. It all makes sense, somehow.

Anyway, just to confuse things even more, after reading my blog for a while, he decided to create a blog of his own daily status messages. He calls it a "Blag" actually, but evil twins do what they must, I guess. Anyway, here's my point...

We are different people. I make no claim to his blog or his ideas.** I have provided a link to his "Blag" in my Blogroll in the left column. Feel free to enjoy his ramblings, but please do not confuse him for me.


But why does he talk to himself in italics all the time?


I don't know. I just don't know.


*He also works in hardware - another sign of pure evil.
**Except his concept of a theme week, which I have quite blatantly stolen.

I'm Here Because I'm Bored!

Long week, tired wife.
I have a chance... Time it right...
"Pizza for dinner?"

It's Haiku Friday again!

Minesweeper movie:
"But what if we get an eight?"
"May God help us all."

Do You Know the Muffin Joke?

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, "Hot enough for ya?" The second muffin says, "AAAAAAUGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Source: This gem comes courtesy of my college roommate, Matt. Matt has a bizarre sense of humor, but this was always one of my favorites.

Special Blog Bonus: Do you know the Muffin Man?



"Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!" I love that line.

Is There a Mrs. Mister?

Carry a laser down the road that I must travel.

Source: Kyrie, a 1985 hit by Mr. Mister.

Explanation: This song came on the radio the other day, and it occurred to me that in the 22 years since I first heard it, I have had absolutely no idea what the words were. So, I finally went an looked them up. Apparently, "Kyrie Eleison" is Greek for "Lord have mercy." For those of you who knew that, congrats. For those who didn't, now you know. There are actually no lasers involved:

Kyrie Eleison down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie Eleison on a highway in the light

Special Blog Bonus: You know who should have lasers, though? Sharks. Sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Find Carlos. Find My Weekend.

Cain is for Charlie and Delta is for Cain. Delta, Delta, Delta starts with D.

Source: The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum.

Explanation: Even though The Bourne Identity was written in 1980, apparently it's still very popular at my local library, thanks to the recent movies. I had never read any Robert Ludlum before, and thought I should give him a shot. Plus, I haven't seen any of the Bourne movies yet, so I like the idea of reading the book before the movie tampers with my imagination.

Anyway, I requested The Bourne Identity at my local library a couple of months ago. It finally became available, so I picked it up, but did not get a chance to read it for a little over a week. Then, before my long weekend, I tried to renew the book, only to find that there is a hold on it because someone else wants it. I couldn't renew, and it was due today.

As a result, I spent a very large portion of my long weekend reading the book. In fact, I spent most of my weekend reading the book. That's why it's on my mind.

Repeated throughout the book is the line "Cain is for Charlie and Delta is for Cain." Sadly, every time I read it, I could only think of one thing: Cookie Monster.

It's Not Awful for Me - I'm On Vacation Today

From the archives:

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Source: I'm not sure where this line came from, but it always seems appropriate on Mondays.

Explanation: The down side of having a zillion old status messages in the archives is finding an appropriate day for running them. I have "Monday" messages and "Friday" messages, which I can rerun on long weekends (like I am enjoying today). Then there are the tricky ones, "BAP day" which is always a workday and Tax day and stuff like that. I'll find times to run them, but I can't guarantee they'll be as well-timed as I'd like them to be.

Special Blog Bonus: Oh well. As I contemplate scheduling of future archived status messages, we honor the baseball postseason with the following comic:

The Early Bird Gets the Worm, But...

From the archives:

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. And today's lesson is...

"Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead."

Source: Animaniacs. Here's an overedited (you have to love these YouTubers) compilation of Wheel of Morality sketches from the show:

Sorbet Saturday, Part 2

From the archives:

sor·bet (sôr-BAY) n. A frozen dessert similar to a frappé, usually made from fruit juice and having a mushy consistency. [French, from Ottoman Turkish sher bet, meaning "Sam can't"]

Explanation: One dessert, four status messages! Of course, this is only part 2 in my series that mocked my coworker "Sam" for his inability to consume this complicated dessert in a timely fashion. For guidance on how to eat sorbet faster, I turned to YouTube, which offers the following clip from Emeril Live. I cannot imagine the brain freeze these gentleman got during this contest.

Am I In the Future?

Wondering why you can see the posts for Saturday through Monday? No, you aren't in the future! It's because we at Jeremy's Status Message are taking the long weekend off. We'll be back with the same content you've grown to detest love on Tuesday!

Happy Columbus Day everybody!*

*Native American readers are not required to enjoy this holiday.

Much Love to the (575)

I think the Phillies
would much rather be playing
against the Mets now.

Explanation: I have watched (parts of) my first baseball games of the year because the hometown Phillies finally made it into the postseason. Their reward? The red hot Colorado Rockies, who are now up 2-0 in the five game series. I was just thinking the Mets would have been a better team to play right now, given their epic end-of-season collapse. Unfortunately, they're playing golf right now. More importantly...

IT'S HAIKU FRIDAY!!!

Large trucks deliver,
But seven A.M. is too
Early for reverse.

"Tickle Me" Elmo -
Soon his fans will be adults.
Hail our red leader.

Hey you! Little Dog!
If you keep "wetting" our lawn,
We'll get Rottweilers.

Special Blog Bonus: More from Haiku Circus

An Excuse To Post That Scene From Swingers

If the NHL season started and nobody cared, would it still have started?

Explanation: To my shock, I discovered that the NHL season has started when watching Sportscenter this morning. Now, like most red-blooded Americans, I don't really care about hockey, but I was surprised to discover that the season had started. So, in it's honor, here's the "Make Little Wayne's head bleed" scene from Swingers. Please note that this clip contains language that is inappropriate for children under the age of... ummm... twenty. Luckily, children don't really find my blog entertaining.



Special Blog Bonus: More Vince Vaughn video game talk in The Breakup:

I Miss Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming our environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

Source: Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle

Explanation: It's a little known fact that before Al Gore spearheaded global environmental activism, Dan Quayle released his book, An Inkonven Inconveen Enconv Not-So-Good Truth. In it, the former Vice President spoke of how global temperature change wasn't about atmospheric carbon dioxide levels, it was about the world getting warmer.

A Little 'Tussin Goes a Long Way

If I seem a little loopy today, it's the cough syrup.

Explanation: All of these bats flying around my office are making it very difficult to focus, and if you combine that with the fact that they're wearing little party hats and playing mariachi music, and that my monitor just melted again and I'm typing this with my mind, which is a good thing, since my fingers are playing 5-on-5 basketball on the floor right now, it leads to the start of a very interesting day, especially considering that the leaves are falling up and the sun is both rising and setting simultaneously and the Phillies are in the playoffs. The cough syrup bottle said not to operate heavy machinery, so I don't think I'm going to be able to stop the dog from driving that bulldozer down the hallway, which is unfortunate, because we don't have a dog and the hallway isn't big enough to accommodate both the dog and the ten giraffes standing there like bowling pins with those clocks melted over their backs while the Cirque do Soleil performers are chased from giraffe neck to giraffe neck by American Gladiators.

Special Blog Bonus: At least I didn't mix my cough syrup with a Guatamalan Insanity Pepper.



*Interesting note: I wrote "rising and setting simultaneously" before I looked for the Simpsons clip and realized they do a sun bit in there. So, either I think WAY too much like the Simpsons or I subconsciously remember more of their material than I think I do. Either way, it's kind of scary.

"I am active"

I wonder what all those "I am active" people do with all of their free time.

Explanation: Every day, I come up with a new and exciting status message and post to my blog. Meanwhile, there are people out there who don't do that. No blog. No creativity. Just the same boring "I am active" message every day. I just wonder what they do with all of the free time that gives them.

They probably have time to make videos like this:

Save the Whales

From the archives:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Source: This was a bumper sticker I saw online.

Special Blog Bonus: An exerpt from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.
And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thought from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended.

Ah...! What's happening? it thought.
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's sort of... yawning, tingling sensation in my... my... well, I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let's call it my stomach.
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what about this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that... wind! Is that a good name? It'll do... perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very important, because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What's this thing? This... let's call it a tail - yeah, tail. Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty good, can't I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now, have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation...
Or is it the wind?
There really is a lot of that now, isn't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming toward me very fast? Very, very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide-sounding name like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name - ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?

And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.

Sorbet Saturday, Part 1

From the archives:

One might think that a somewhat intelligent software engineer would be able to consume his dessert without operating instructions.

Explanation: A friend of mine (let's call him "Sam") ordered lime sorbet while we were at a department lunch once, several years ago. The sorbet came beautifully packaged in a giant frozen lime. In fact, the rock-solid lime appeared to be impenetrabble. Most of us were done with our desserts before "Sam" realized that there was a very fine seam along the top of the lime which allowed the top to be removed for consumption of the sorbet within.

Now, I'm not going to say that he was the only one confused by that particular dessert, but he ordered it, so he gets all the credit.

Hevad Khan

BULLDOZER!!!

Source: At the 2007 World Series of Poker Main Event, Hevad Khan, a competitor from Poughkeepsie, New York, finished in forth place. After having read quite a bit about his antics, I was interested in seeing him in the televised episodes. One of the things he does routinely when winning a pot is scream "BULLDOZER!" I don't know why. The guy's in a room for like 15 hours a day sucking down Red Bull and I'm sure most of the people there have crazy B.O. I'd probably go a little nutso, myself.



Oh, today is Friday, isn't it? Let me rephrase in haiku...

Hours of poker.
No lights, no clocks, I lose it.
I scream "BULLDOZER!"

Stupid Chocolates

Dear Lindt,

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

A Letter to the Good People at Lindt Chocolate:

Dear Lindt,

My wife and I went to visit her grandmother this weekend. Her grandmother is currently in a rehab center after having her hip replaced.* While we were there, Grandma offered us each a Lindt Lindor truffle. She directed us toward a container in her room and said, "they're for my visitors." I politely declined. I do not eat chocolates all that often and certainly not on a muggy day like it was when we visited. My wife declined as well. After the further insistance of her grandmother, my wife finally relented, while I still said I did not want one. She said, "But, they're for visitors!" which was my cue to just take one even if I didn't want one. I was just trying to make my hostess happy. I stashed it the breast pocket of my shirt so I wouldn't forget it. My wife even said to her grandmother that we would save them for dessert after our lunch, which seemed like as good a time as any to eat this chocolate that I didn't really want.

After the visit, on our way out of the rehab center, my wife gave me her chocolate and said it had already started to soften while in her purse. That should have been my first clue. I held both chocolates in my hand, knowing that I couldn't forget about them or they would melt. When we got to the car, I put them in one of the cupholders in my center console, and promptly forgot about them. That would prove to be a big mistake.

Several days later, (yesterday) I embarked on a three-hour drive to the office for work. I settled my stuff into the car, including my water bottle, which I dutifully placed in the unoccupied cup holder in the car. After a stop at Dunkin' Donuts, where I had bought a chocolate milk, I did some shuffling, which ultimately resulted in the chocolates moving to the passenger seat and my water bottle moving to where the chocolates had been.

It's important to note that, in order to get to the office on time, I had to leave the house before 6:00am. It was dark out for the first half of my trip. I couldn't see much inside the car while I got my stuff settled.

Somewhere during my trip, I realized that there was chocolate on the passenger seat. At that point, it occurred to me that the chocolates had melted and moved around on the seat. Nothing to worry about - the seat is leather and everything cleaned up with a moist napkin. I was frustrated by this, but I disposed of the chocolates and that problem was solved...

Until I left the highway. My sunglasses had a smudge on them, so, when I stopped at the first traffic light, I went to clean them off with my shirt. At that point, I noticed that there was chocolate all over my lap. My first thought was that I had settled the chocolates on my lap for some reason before moving them to the passenger seat. It seemed odd that I hadn't gotten any on my hands, though.

Soon I came to the realization that the problem was in the cup holder. Over the course of a few days, the truffles had melted significantly enough to form a nice little layer of chocolate. As the car warmed up, so did the pool, liquifying it into my own personal mobile fondue pot, and getting it all over the bottom of my water bottle.

Ironically, as I had used the water bottle to moisten the napkin to clean the chocolate off of the passenger seat, I rested it on my lap several times, covering myself with even more chocolate. By the time I realized where the chocolate was coming from, I was coated in it. In my efforts to clean myself off (using more water) I managed to have a giant wet spot on my lap and a bunch of giant brown splotches to go with it. Not how I want to present myself at work.

Why? All because I took one of your stupid chocolates that I didn't even want in the first place. Over the years, life's little lessons have programmed me with instincts that I can't even explain, only to learn WHEN I IGNORE THEM that those instincts serve an important purpose. I knew that I wouldn't follow through on throwing out the chocolates. I knew I'd forget about them. So, I tried to nip it in the bud, but nooo - I have to be polite. Forget politeness. I'm following my instincts from now on.

So, the next time somebody insists that I have a Lindt Chocolate, I'm going to say no anyway.

I just thought you'd want to know that.

Sincerely Bite me,

Jeremy


*I feel comfortable discussing this online because my wife's grandmother will never ever see this. If you know her grandmother, please refrain from mentioning this story. The stress of it may set her back in her recovery from surgery. You wouldn't want to cause harm to a kind elderly woman, would you? WOULD YOU???

Fun Facts About Sloths

"My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantelpiece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees."

Source: Douglas Adams from The Salmon of Doubt.

Shirley, You Can't Be Serious.

"One of the interesting things of my minor league experience is just how into the games people get in like Yakima, Washington or Fargo, North Dakota, because there is nothing else to do - the people just are living and dying by their team. I mean I saw the same phenomenon in just coming back from Spain on the island of Menorca where there are only 65,000 people in the entire island and 5000 of them were at our games and were losing their minds whether won or lost. When we finally saved the team from relelgation to the second division and came back to the island the next day, there were 5000 people waiting in the city center and we went up on this balcony to like pontiff style talk to the masses as they bowed at our feet. And, uh, you're right, you don't get that in New Jersey."

Source: Paul Shirley responding to Bill Simmons about Nets fans.

Explanation: Well, frankly, I'm a sucker for anything related to the Balearic Islands, but if you combine that with New Jersey, the quote is a winner for sure.

Paul Shirley is also the author of Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in My Life as a Basketball Vagabond, which I have not yet read, but plan to.

Stripes?

"A leopard can't change its stripes."

Source: Emmitt Smith, on NFL Countdown, explaining that, even though a football team like the Houston Texans is 2-0 so far this year, their losing history may catch up to them as soon as they're hit with some adversity.

Sarcastic Response:

Dear Mr. Smith,

The following is a picture of a leopard:


Note the unique arrangement of stripes: one of nature's clever tricks to make predators believe this is a more dangerous spotted animal instead of a peace-loving striped cat like the leopard. Thank you for pointing out this miracle of evolution. Before this brilliant piece of insight, I was questioning why a football preview show featuring mostly video clips would require five studio hosts. Now I understand. Your additions to this program are invaluable. Please continue the good work.

Sincerely,
Jeremy's Status Message

P.S. Can you please explain the point of Keyshawn Johnson? I just don't get it. Is he some sort of joke or something?

Special Sneak Preview: Next week, Tennessee Titans' quarterback Vince Young will show off his college education by explaining why many as many as one-fifth of Americans can't find the United States on a map.

Flat Seltzer

From the archives:

Is flat seltzer just water?

Source: I think this is original material. I was wondering that one day.

Furthermore, is red wine the best thing for cleaning up seltzer spills? Inquiring minds want to know!

Alanis Knows Her Furniture

From the archives:

"The conflicts, the craziness, and the sound of credenzas falling... all aroooooooound."

Source: Alanis Morisette's song All I Really Want.

Explanation: Sure, it's really the sound of pretenses falling, but I think credenzas just fit in so nicely with "conflicts" and "craziness". Plus, it makes for some great imagery.

Do you think Jagged Little Pill was helpful? Was touring the country while verbally eviscerating her ex (rumored to be Dave Coulier of all people) really therapudic? From past experience, I've found that you can spend all the time you want entrenched in bitterness, but in order to heal, you really need to cast it aside and move on. Maybe that's what Alanis did when she played God in Dogma.

This has been your Mental Health Minute, courtesy of Jeremy's Status Message.* Have a great weekend.

*Jeremy's Status Message is not a licensed psychotherapist. If you truly need assistance, consult a mental health professional... but you're certainly reading the right blog!**

**By the way, your sweater is on backwards and inside out. How appropriate.

Another Haiku Friday

Popular demand
Mandated Haiku Friday
Return for part two.

Explanation: You know, last Friday was so much fun, I figured I'd write some more. Happy Friday!

Who's the boss, you ask?
Some would say it was Tony.
I say Angela.

Tried a Limerick:
Tell the man from Nantucket
Not enough sylla

Canadian Geese
Visited my neighborhood.
Look out for their poop

Special Blog Bonus: All sorts of goodies today. First, there's the Peep haiku:


There's the Hasslehoff haiku:



And two offerings from Haiku Circus, which appears to be back in business:

Midday Update: Simpsonized Jeremy

You may notice that my profile photo is now a "Simpsonized" version of myself. You too can Simpsonize yourself. All you need is a photo of yourself. If you're clever, you can just submit a large photo of anyone from the web and then customize it to look like you. (I wasn't that clever, though.) Special thanks to Willie for the link. I'll add this to my Daily Distractions list.

You know, I labored long and hard as to whether I should make this post, since it is not actually a status message, but finally I decided that this is my best option. As some of you may recall, I used to have a seperate blog about updates to this blog. That seemed like overkill. So, I'm just going to post about stuff like this in the blog. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. Nyah!

In the Clutches of the Diabolical Sgt. Stiletto

Only you can save Bon Jovi from eternal damnation.

Source: This is something Special J says on the 2 Skinnee J's live album, Return of the Furious Dragon. It's not a song lyric, he just throws it in during the live performance of In the Clutches of the Diabolical Sgt. Stiletto.

Who knew?

Explanation: Honestly, the line doesn't make too much sense to me. In fact, the whole song has always been somewhat confusing. Sgt. Stiletto is a bad person. Very very bad. Like "Devil" bad. That's all I can really tell you.

Anyway, for some reason, this line got stuck in my head last night and I thought it would make a fun status message. I actually had to dig through the whole album to remember what song this was from.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are the song lyrics for your perusal, followed by a performance from the 7/18/03 2 Skinnee J's farewell show at B.B. King's in New York City. (I'm the tall guy in the back.) Maybe it'll make more sense to you. Don't worry, though. I think Bon Jovi is safe.

The scent of danger brings me to the edge of panic
Now I’m caught in the plot that was thought up
Satanic like mayo – dayo- daylight comes
And I want to get home before I’m burnt by the sun
I wanna be free in peace love and harmony
But my Miranda be vanishing like Carmen see
Check the scripture a picture emerges
Bells chime at the twelfth sign of the seven scourges
And the first is the sleeper steeped in the force
Of the dark side astride behold a pale horse
And the source be above the law like Segal
The thought of his stare raise my hair like Vidal
Now he stalks where I walk, setting soldiers at the border
And hopes to catch Guevara acing out of order
“Cause I eat a fool like Ozzy eats a bat
And the fact is I was kidnapped, thrown in the back
Of the unmarked van destination unknown
In league with the intrigue a la Oliver Stone
for starting revolutions 33 1/3
“You’re mine now,” was all I heard
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware Sgt. Stiletto

J Guevara takes the 5th to those who would drag me under
Like coyote to roadrunner
Now the population faces incarceration while select serpents reach certain circles of illumination
Looking over my shoulder, I’m seeing shadows on the walls
I'm turning pallid at the thought of the gallows seven gables
Loom before me can’t neglect the connection
Seven are the signs of the cross on the pendulum
Stiletto, the name of the nemesis
Guevara, I'm trapped in the labyrinth
Assassins be passing me and I amongst their midst
Before my name is known I slip into the mist
I exist, the specialist, who persists
To vent the secret entrance I decipher the hieroglyphs
Tada! The creaking floor reveals a door
Voila! I emerge into the crypt
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware Sgt. Stiletto

Now I'm strapped to the rack and the terror’s on
Damn I feel like the man from the marathon
I gotta bust out or I’m dusted like Hoffman
I feel like the Minnow, <expletive deleted> I’m lost
My little keys unlock mysteries unknown
I roam his catacombs like Jones
I float like a butterfly, seek revenge like Khan
And I’ve got dreams of scenes beyond like Papillion
I’m making a date with the undertaker
As Stiletto sends me off to meet my maker
I charge past the guards, I come like Kool Aid
Then I bust through the wall like Big Jim Slade

You flip the switch and you fall for the trap
Your friends have fallen in and you can’t get ‘em back
There’s a dragon underground, you heard the bellow
Beware Sgt. Stiletto
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware...

Buffalo Wings

Why do buffalo have such tiny wings?

Explanation: As I was eating some buffalo wings the other night, I began to ponder a few important questions. First of all, we've all had buffalo wings. How does a wing that small hold up an animal that weighs more than a thousand pounds? They must be super efficient, which then leads me to wonder what kind of cruel, sick people we are for depriving the buffalo of their amazing wings.

Native Americans were well known for using every part of the buffalo. First of all, how did they catch these flying behemoths? They must have been very efficient hunters. Now, since they used everything, at least we know they made the most of any buffalo they managed to kill. Us? We just pluck their wings off and maybe make "bison burgers" out of some extra meat for exotic restaurants to serve. We must chuck the rest. Very wasteful.

Also, what did Native Americans do with the wings? Did they slather them in their own hot sauce and eat them with blue cheese dressing and celery? (Note that the fancier looking "bleu cheese" came with the French settlers later on.) Did they eat them at bars while they watched lacrosse games? These are important questions! Why isn't this stuff on Wikipedia? Maybe I should check...


Oops. Never mind my questions. Turns out this was all a misunderstanding. My apologies for thinking that Wikipedia wouldn't have all of the information I would possibly need, including mention of Jessica Simpson in their article on buffalo wings.

Buzzword Bingo

I really liked that "Buzzword Bingo" commercial I saw on television last night.

Explanation: See, the commercial pokes fun at corporate executives who can't communicate without using a slew of buzzwords and end up not actually saying anything. I was amused, because I feel like the executives at my company are just like this. Then I realized that my company made the commercial. Then I was depressed.

Special Blog Bonus: Try Buzzword Bingo in your own meetings! (Or, you can also print a card from here or here)

Spiderpig

Spiderpig, Spiderpig. Does whatever a Spiderpig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out! He's a Spiderpig.

Source: The Simpsons Movie.

Explanation: I finally saw The Simpsons Movie this weekend. Homer gets a pig and plays with it, including making up this Spiderpig song.



Oh, as an added bonus, I came home and found the entire movie on YouTube.* I could have saved the $13.50 I spent on my ticket and my tub of Cherry Coke. Oh well. I guess you have to pay for the comfort of stadium seating.

*The movie is still on YouTube, by the way. You should check it out before the powers that be discover their copyright is being violated.

If You Don't Get This, It May Apply To You

From the archives:

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Special Blog Bonus: Here, you can test this theory out on a Far Side comic:

You Suck, Mr. Anderson

From the archives:

I saw the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night. So I have seen the Matrix Reloaded. However, if I had not seen the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night, I would not have seen the Matrix Reloaded. Did I choose to see the movie, or was my choice predestined? Is this even a unique reality? Has a previous version of me seen the movie before? I understand everything now. Only one important question remains: WHY ON EARTH DID MY BARREL OF CHERRY COKE COST $4.50???

Explanation: This post is from when the second Matrix movie was still in the theaters. Well, last night I watched the last Matrix movie (Matrix 3: Return of the King/Jedi/One or whatever it was called) on HBO and I want to rant. But, before I rant, I should note that there were no Ewoks in the movie, and that's always a good thing. That being said...

The Matrix trilogy is a big crock of spit. It's nerd fantasy and I think it just got totally out of control. First, I should admit that it has its fine points. The combination of special effects and cinematography was flat out revolutionary. The first movie was a great idea - an outcast nerd discovers he has the power to save the world, which isn't what we all think it is. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and the idea to end it with a Rage Against the Machine song was top notch.

Everything past that is just silly. Hey, let's create some characters who are physically withered and pale, but experts with computers, and they shall be the salvation of humanity. Furthermore, they should all go by their screen names in real life. AND, when plugged into a computer, they become superhuman just based on the strength of their minds. Yep, they are so powerful when "online", they can bend the laws of nature to their whim. And the nerdiest of them all gets the girl. That's realistic. What's next? Maybe their avatars in this online world are more attractive versions of themselves with slicked back hair, skintight leather outfits, and expensive sunglasses? Oh wait, they are. You think the Wachowski brothers wrote the script one weekend instead of playing their usual 56-consecutive hours of Dungeons and Dragons? It's like Peter Jackson quit their weekly game to make the Lord of the Rings trilogy and they wanted to prove that they could do it, too.

And you know what? That stuff isn't even what pisses me off about the trilogy. I believe the Wachowski brothers had absolutely no idea what the plot really was. They just decided to ramble on and on about making choices and destiny and hope that their audience interprets the drivel as art instead of what it really is. Drivel. Miss Teen South Carolina would have fit right in as a character:

I belive U.S. Zionians have choices to make like, such as. Our destiny is like, fate, such as we were chosen, and beginnings must come to ends. I believe in Neo, like the Morpheus and Trinity, such as. We have chosen fate, like destiny, like such as our calling and the Oracle. I know what I must do, such as choosing to do it should build up our future for our...

This philosophy of not actually having a plot, and instead pretending your script is abstract and artsy, enables a phenomenon I call "Nerdsturbation". Essentially, all of the viewers who look like the characters in this movie (i.e. nerds) feel really good about themselves, because they connected with the movie. They then assign a meaning of their choosing to the film and then, and this is the important part, explain their theory on a message board somewhere and proclaim that it was obvious and anybody who didn't come to this same conclusion is a moron. Furthermore, it is important to commend the Wachowski brothers as geniuses, because geniuses stick together, as the movie reminds us.

This whole movie reminds me of a piece of modern art, where no matter how much the snooty European man tells you about the pattern of the brush strokes symbolizing the artist's uphill fight against society, you just see a bunch of poop-colored paint smeared on a canvas.

OK. I'm done. Let's just hope I don't come across one of the Star Wars prequels in the next few days.

It's Haiku Friday!

I mow and it grows.
I mow and it grows some more.
I'm ready for snow.

Explanation: I have to mow my lawn today so the neighbors don't rise up and kick me out of the neighborhood. And today seemed like a good day for haiku. (Plus, I just watched the "Mr. Plow" episode of The Simpsons) Want another? Here are a few more:

The Game Show Network
Is not part of my package.
Why, Comcast, why? Why?

Syllable pattern
Will soon prefix your phone calls
To New Mexico

Bad morning at sink,
Simultaneous brushing,
Wife spits on your head

And a "Haiku Circus" comic (which does not appear to be published anymore):

Yes, There Is Something Freakier Than Michael Jackson Circa 1982

"See, the difference is that this is the new, freaky Michael Jackson, versus the older, slightly less freaky Michael Jackson."

Explanation: So, yesterday I had these song lyrics in my head:

Jam, jam, here comes the man,
Hot damn!

As I was singing them, (be glad I work alone in my house) I tried to figure out what song it was from. Then it hit me. EEEEEEEEW! It's Michael Jackson!

Now, I have no problem with the "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa" refrain from Wanna Be Starting Something. Same goes for Billie Jean. So why is Jam icky and those aren't? And hence, I came up with the answer that is today's status message. Yes, I feel that the 1982 moonwalking glove-wearing freak who recorded Thriller is less weird than the 1991 skin-bleaching oxygen-tank-sleeping Neverland-Ranching freak who recorded Dangerous. And I stand by that.

Interesting note: In 1984, a TIME Magazine article described Jackson as "Undeniably sexy. Absolutely safe." No word on if Boy's Life made any similar proclamations.

Special Blog Bonus: From the "I Don't Remember This Ever Happening" file, here's the video for Jam, featuring Michael Jordan, Heavy D, and Kriss Kross:

Let's Thank Our Sponsors

This message is brought to you by the letters B and X, and by the number 3.

Explanation: I was feeling very Sesame Street this morning*. What can I say? Plus, I've found that X, especially, is a great sponsor. Remember that television show it sponsored with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson? Big budget all the way. B is pretty much the opposite, but we welcome any sponsorship we can get.

Special Blog Bonus: While I'm on a muppet theme, please enjoy the muppet chickens playing piano:



*Elmo is your leader.

Suspect is Hatless. Repeat, Hatless.

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

Source: Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons.

Explanation: This is from the Homer's Triple Bypass episode of The Simpsons. Of course, I can't find video of this clip on YouTube... in English. So here it is in German:



And Spanish!



Special Blog Bonus: A different Chief Wiggum clip, in English this time:

Did You Hear the One...

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Answer: Yeah, I did too.

So, I just really wanted to leave it at that. It's the kind of joke you can construct the punchline from, so I don't really even need to tell you... But I will.

Real Answer: She was up all hours of the night wondering if there was a dog.

Punctuality

From the archives:

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

Source: This is a quote credited to Franklin P. Jones.

Explanation: I write this as I should be getting ready to leave the house. Seems appropriate.

Fly Ball vs. Infant

From the archives:

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

Source: Dave Barry.

Just some food for thought. Enjoy your weekend!

Also Worth Mentioning: #9 Virginia Tech at #2 LSU on ESPN tonight at 9pm. GO HOKIES!

Who's on Stage?

Skippy, what's the name of that group playing on stage?

Source: This one is from Animaniacs. This would be the Slappy and Skippy bit where they do a "Who's on First?" bit at Woodstock. Classic.



Or, if you prefer to hear Skippy say "quien" a hundred times, you can see the Spanish version starting at 5:10 in the following clip:

More Maps For U.S. Americans!

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, like, such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as. And I believe that they should... our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq, and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our...

Source: This was Miss Teen South Carolina's response to the following question:

Recent polls have shown a fifth of the Americans cannot locate the U.S. on a map. Why do you think this is?



Special Jeremy's Status Message Counterpoint: Yes, I personally agree that U.S. Americans like in the, such as the Iraq and, such as, South Africa are needing maps, like such as. However, I would personally contend that, in the such as, like the Asian countries, U.S. American maps are such as, like the Iraq and such as South Africa for our children. Furthermore, I personally disagree with U.S. Americans and the such as Asian countries like such as the Iraq and Asian countries, like such as maps and other such like the Iraq. In conclusion, I personally believe the better maps for U.S. Americans unlike the Iraq and like, such as South Africa and the Asian countries, our education so we can build up our future. Thank you.

You Sunk My Battleship!

Luckily, nobody guessed G-4 through G-7 yesterday while I was on the U.S.S. New Jersey.

Explanation: See, had they guessed those coordinates, they would have sunk the battleship while I was on it.


Special Blog Bonus: Play Battleship online!

Si Lo Construye...

From the archives:

Si lo construye, él vendrá.

Source: This was the defining line in Field of Dreams... when I saw it on television in Spain. Jim and I spent the rest of our vacation whispering this to nobody in particular.

Explanation: "If you build it, he will come."

Here's the cleverness. I saw this movie on vacation. And today, I am on vacation. So there you go. Here's a comic to tide you over until tomorrow.

Happy Labor Day!

From the archives:

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he still slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accepting a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway, but his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the head, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.

"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

"I got here in two, didn't I?"

Explanation: A little Labor Day golf humor. I got this joke from my father-in-law. Enjoy your long weekend!

Do-It-Yourself Joke

Michael Vick, Appalachian State, Big House. Make your own joke.

Explanation: Sorry for the late post - I'm having a crazy day. Vick is going to the big house soon and he won't enjoy it. Appalachian State went to play Michigan yesterday (at their stadium, which is known as the "Big House") and beat them in what was one of the biggest upsets in college football history. So, needless to say, they enjoyed their trip.

I've gotta run. If you come up with a good joke, feel free to post a comment.

IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

From the archives:

GO HOKIES!!!

Explanation: Yeah, this was a status message I ran once before. I have the records to prove it. Nothing too clever about it, I know, but it's absolutely perfect for today.


I've been waiting a long time for this. My school has been through more this offseason than I could have possibly imagined. All I've wanted since the shootings was for normalcy to return. And nothing is more normal in Blacksburg than cheering for the Hokies in Lane Stadium.

TODAY THE VIRGINIA TECH FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS!

Without further ado, I give you the video of Virginia Tech taking the field against Clemson last season. I still get goosebumps...

Does the $6 Million Man Need a Best Friend?

So, I thought the world wasn't fair when Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears crashed a car that cost as much as my house. Then I saw that an IBM executive cashed in $2.77 million worth of stock options, so I thought the world was even less fair. Then I saw that Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog. Now I think the world is just plain funny.


Explanation: No explanation needed, other than the fact that Leona Helmsley must have an interesting family, considering that her dog got $12 million and two of her grandchildren got nothing.

So here's my question. How does one leave money to a dog? A dog has no social security number. Does it pay taxes on the money? Is the money left to the dog's keeper? What restrictions force the keeper to spend that money on the dog? It's a freakin' dog! What does a dog need? It's going to live ten more years tops, and it's interests involve people food, licking itself, and pooping on the carpet.

Frankly, if I were the estate lawyer, I'd be all like "Yes, Mrs. Helmsley, $12 million to your dog. Sure thing!" Then I'd fill my name in instead. What would happen? Would the dog sue you after she died? I bet I could make this work.

Hexadecimal Exits

I know I've been working too much when I drive past Exit "seven able" on the Turnpike.

Explanation: If you work with me, this should require no explanation. If you work with me and this does require an explanation, then thank you, because I know you'll be fired before me next time layoffs come around. If you don't work with me, have no fear about not understanding this - it just means you're normal.

The short explanation is that we spend a lot of time dealing with hexadecimal numbers at work. Hexadecimal is base-16, meaning you need 6 more digits than you do with base-10. The 16 digits we use are 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A (able), B (baker), C (charlie), D (dog), E (easy), and F (fox).

So, when I see "7A" I think it's the hexadecimal number representing the bitstring "01111010" or 16*7 + 10 = 122 in decimal. The important thing is, as I headed southbound, I didn't expect to see exit 79 next.

You Sure It Isn't "Jandrew"?

Factoid of the Day: Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew.

Source: I saw this on Inside the Actor's Studio and thought it was a neat fact.

Explanation: When Michael Andrew Fox joined the Screen Actor's Guild, there was already a Michael Fox. So, he went with "Michael J. Fox" because he thought Michael J. Pollard had a cool name. You can read all about this on Wikipedia.

Special Blog Bonus: The Family Guy parodies Back to the Future:



And the real thing:

Bacon vs. Chocolate

If everything is better when it's coated in chocolate and everything is better when it's wrapped in bacon, which is better, chocolate-coated bacon or bacon-wrapped chocolate?

Explanation: It's a trick question! Bacon-wrapped bacon is the best! As I stared at chocolate-covered gummi bears in the grocery store checkout line the other day, I thought about this question (in between the nauseous feeling from the thought of chocolate-covered gummi bears).

Special Blog Bonus: Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon BACON!



Added Extra-Special Artery-Clogging Blog Bonus: Chicken-fried bacon!

Orkut is Mean

"Welcome, Jeremy. You are connected to 69,141,437 people through 0 friends."

Source: Google Orkut.

Explanation: I clicked on Google Orkut the other day and this is the message that came up on my screen. I don't think it's particularly nice of the good people at Google to remind me that I have no friends. Not one. Of almost seventy million people, I don't have a single friend. Well, at least I'm connected. That's something.

What Do Homer and Zidane Have in Common?

From the archives:

Well, animals are not like people, Mr. Materazzi. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Zidane.

Source: The World Cup and the Simpsons. I love these combinations of pop culture sources.

Explanation: OK, the World Cup element of this was because Zinedine Zidane went and headbutted the Italian defender Marco Materazzi during extra time in the 2006 World Cup Final. For one of the world's premier players in his final game, this was not exactly a high note to end his career on. Zidane was ejected from the game, leaving France short-handed. France went on to lose in penalty kicks.

Here's footage:


The Simpsons part is from the Bart Gets an Elephant episode. The Simpsons win Stampy in a radio contest, and after hilarity ensues for about 20 minutes, they give him away to an animal refuge, where he starts butting another elephant. When Marge asks the warden why Stampy is attacking all of the other elephants, the warden responds: "Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson." The camera zooms out and shows Homer repeatedly heatbutting the warden.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Appraising My Appraiser

From the archives:

My appraiser is worthless.

Explanation: Back when I was buying my townhouse, the whole process got delayed because of a miscommunication between the mortgager and the appraiser. I waited and waited for the appraisal to come in, but it never did, due to the fact that they never knew they were supposed to do it. Anyway, that led me to appraise my appraiser. And there you go.

Interestingly, after all that time, the appraiser came and miraculously appraised the property for exactly the value I was purchasing it for. I'm just amazed at how the sale price was perfectly set to the exact value of the house. Absolutely amazed. Wait... you think there's a chance that the appraiser knew the sale price going in? Noooo... I don't believe that. If that were true, then the appraiser's job would pretty much be just to match the sale price and collect their cut of the closing costs. Next thing you're going to tell me is that title insurance, mortgage title insurance, title mortgage protection insurance, and that check I made out to my lawyer's brother with the gambling habit were all manufactured closing costs as well.

Lawnmowing and Dentists

Going to the dentist is kind of like mowing the lawn in that the best part of both is knowing that you don't have to do it again for a while.

Explanation: I have to go to a dentist appointment this morning. My lawn also needs mowing. I wish I had better motivation for performing these tasks.

Special Blog Bonus: Seven and a half minutes of Bill Cosby on dentists:

Soduku? No. Sudoko. Nope. Soduku? Nope...

I'm writing a sudoku solver. Step 1: Figure out how to spell sudoku.

Explanation: As with any of my side projects, my goal isn't just to solve them. It's to solve them as fast as I possibly can. Throw in a snazzy user interface, and... well... you've got something that'll keep me off the streets for a month or two.

Special Blog Bonus: Always start with a simple case. Thus, I present the binary sudoku puzzle:

Maine Blueberries

I know what it means, and I'm still not going to buy "Dirty Blueberries" from a man on the side of the road wearing only shorts.

Explanation: It was blueberry season when we went up to Mainie. "Dirty blueberries" are fresh blueberries that still have stems and some leaves on them. At the time, I didn't know that, and the woman we saw shortly afterward on the side of the road advertising "Clean Blueberries" seemed to be a much better place to buy.

Special Blog Bonus: When I go to new places, I like to come up with creative names for the locals, even if they don't actually go by such names. For instance, people from Maine could occasionally be called "Mainenites" or "Mainetees," while Vermonters could also be called "Vermontaters" or "Vermontpudlians." I must say, on that trip, I saw quite a few "Massachusettsketeers" as well.

I'm Not Here To Talk About the Past

I categorically deny all of the recent allegations that this status message was ever assisted by any performance-enhancing substances.

Explanation: I'm shocked and appalled at the implications by former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco that this status message was enhanced by illegal chemical means in the past. This status message has never been aided by any banned substance, be it "The Clear", "The Cream", or SMGH (status message growth hormone). This status message is strictly fueled by caffeine, just like the status messages of our forefathers. The only thing this message has ever been injected with was wit - something Canseco could use himself.

In response to the suggestion by the commissioner that my blog post count during the "steroid era" of blogging be labeled with an asterisk, I say that I'm not here to talk about the past. I should also add, "LOOK! LOOK AT BARRY BONDS' GIGANTIC HEAD! BALCO! BALCO! BALCO!"

Are you still looking?

Crud.

Al Gore For Emperor

Vote Al Gore for First Emperor of the Moon.

Source: Futurama.

Explanation: Also of note is the fact that Al Gore invented the environment. Save it for it's creator!



Special Blog Bonus: A public service announcement from the man himself:

When You Think of Garbage...

From the archives:

"When you think of garbage, think of Akeem."

Source: Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Explanation: Hakim has been placed in charge of garbage at McDowell's* restaurant. This may be the worst flirting in history:

Prince Akeem: I am Akeem.
Lisa McDowell: It's nice to meet you, Akeem.
Prince Akeem: I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that requires disposal?
Lisa McDowell: No. It's totally empty.
Prince Akeem: When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.
Lisa McDowell: That's good to know.
Prince Akeem: When you think of garbage, think of Akeem.

Here's the trailer:



Back when Hakim Warrick played for Syracuse, I used to say this whenever I saw him grab a rebound. Of course, I didn't watch that much college basketball, but when I did, the joke was really fresh!

Special Blog Bonus: SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!



*Do not mistake McDowell's for McDonald's. See, McDonald's has the Golden Arches, McDowell's has the Golden Arcs. McDonald's has the Big Mac, McDowell's has the Big Mick. Both have two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but McDonald's buns have sesame seeds. McDowell's buns have no seeds.

Robot Grace

From the archives:

"Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace! In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jer-o-matic, 'one zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero one zero one... zero zero one zero one one zero zero one... two. Amen.'"

Source: Bender from Futurama.

Explanation: The following is an online episode explanation (from here). I can't possibly describe the episode better than this:

After a Beastie Boys Heads concert at Madison Cube Garden, Bender goes on a bender and gets hooked on power surges. His life begins a downward spiral until he finds salvation at the Temple of Robotology. Having found religion, his polite behavior becomes so irritating to his friends that they begin to tempt him with his old vices. When he finally succumbs and returns to his old ways, he is banished to Robot Hell where, in a musical extravaganza, he faces the Robot Devil and endures tortures unimaginable to man.

Special Blog Bonus: The audio clip for this is here. It's clip #12.

Deep Thoughts With Douglas Adams

I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day.

Source: Douglas Adams' The Salmon of Doubt



For those of you yearning for the awe of understanding why this post is so elegantly simple, it's because I spent way too long in a car last night and I'm pooped. My creativity will hopefully return tomorrow, as will the feeling in my shoulder, hopefully. Did I mention that I played volleyball on Wednesday?

A Special Request

You can't kill time. Time kills you.

Source: This deep thought was brought to you by my former coworker, who shall remain anonymous. Rob was also once responsible for the status message "A Yoda-sounding status message my manager requested." Given his strong history of requesting status material, I thought it worthy to give him a second chance.

Plus, he explained to us yesterday that he's never worked a full day in his life, and seeing as he continues to be employed, I am excited to become learned in his ways.

Special Blog Bonus: If I had video of the time he was curled up on the floor in the fetal position in fear of another manager, I'd totally post it. But, I don't. So, just imagine what it might have looked like.

Get Me Off the Michael Vick Experience!

Show of hands, please. Who had Michael as the first Vick brother to go to prison?

Explanation: Well, it sounds like Michael Vick is arranging a plea for his federal charges, and from what I've heard, there is no way he's getting out of this without doing some prison time (8 months at an absolute minimum is what the nice people on ESPN radio told me this morning).

Meanwhile, I haven't heard any news about Marcus Vick getting into trouble. What is this world coming to?

Next question: What does Virginia Tech do with Michael Vick Hall?

Special Blog Bonus: The old Michael Vick Experience:

Where Does He Get the Energy?

I asked my nephew, "Where do you get all this energy?" Then my wife reminded me of the twelve hours of sleep he gets each night plus the four hour nap during the day. I think I miss being two.

Explanation: Apparently, when you're two, it makes perfect sense that your sneakers make you faster than having bare feet (but only slightly faster than sandals, which you pronounce "candles", which also makes perfect sense). And when you're wearing sneakers, nothing seems better than to demonstrate you're fast by sprinting in 15 circles in a row around the room yelling "Run with me, Uncle Jeremy! Run with me!"

Luckily, Uncle Jeremy is wily enough to integrate a pretend nap into the "Run with me" game to slow things down a bit.

Special Blog Bonus: Sorry, but I don't have a video explanation of how to express enough interest in your baby sister's toys to keep her from playing with your stuff. Instead please enjoy this Far Side comic, which, like most of them, has nothing to do with anything:

Rabbit Season! Duck Season!

Rabbit season! Duck season! Rabbit season! Duck season!

Source: This Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd cartoon is a classic:



Explanation: You'll have to forgive me, but given what I've been doing at work combined with Saturday's duck posts has left this cartoon on my mind. And they say kids' cartoons used to be so violent...

Special Blog Bonus: Even more Fudd action.

Life's Little Lesson #134

From the archives:

Life's Little Lesson #134: No matter how many times you've done it before, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time, DO NOT bop a 600 pound tiger on the nose with a microphone.

Explanation: I posted this when Roy Horn (of Sigfried and Roy) was seriously injured by his tiger, Montecore back on October 3, 2003. Roy bopped the tiger on the nose in an effort to get the tiger to release his other arm. Instead of being freed, Roy ended up with a tiger mouth on his neck. Not the best of situations. While it appears that the microphone bop was not the reason for the original bite, I still think it's a good personal policy.

Also interesting is Wikipedia's explanation of the incident, where Steve Wynn, the former Mirage owner describes that all of this started because the tiger was "fascinated and distracted" by a woman with a "big hairdo." In Vegas? Really?

Something like this would never happen at a Penn & Teller show.

Quack

From the archives:

"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."

Source: Comedian Todd Glass

Explanation: See, ducks are just inherently funny. I don't know why, but they just are. In fact, in a 2002 study by psychologist Richard Wiseman and colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, UK, they verified this:

The team's analysis has also revealed the world's "funniest animal" - the duck. "If you're going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck," Wiseman says.

Special Blog Bonus: A Far Side involving a duck:

Enjoy This Dam Status Message

Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully functional power plant, so please noone wander off the dam tour. And please, take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions?

Source: National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation



Explanation: The Griswolds tour Hoover Dam. I love this joke. Every time I drive past a dam on the highway, I exclaim, "Dam!" Always good for a laugh (from me, at least).

Orange You Glad?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Source: The following knock-knock joke:

Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Explanation: A little while back, somebody I know (who shall remain nameless) was trying to remember how this joke went. In their effort to recall the joke I was subjected to participating in about 5 full-length efforts at recreating it. After about two unsuccessful tries, I was laughing hysterically at the fact that they needed to say the whole joke out loud during each attempt. I guess you had to be there.

Special Blog Bonus: Orange you glad I only posted a dancing banana?

756

I'd make a snide remark about Barry Bonds today, but I'm still waiting for him to start rounding the bases.

Explanation: If you've been completely isolated from the American media this morning, you will be surprised to find out that Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run, eclipsing Hank Aaron as the all-time home run leader in Major League Baseball. If you haven't been isolated from the American media, then you're already flat out sick of this story and you wish it would go away. You probably also think Bonds is a colossal .

The joke here is that Bonds likes to admire his home runs before he starts running the bases. He takes a full second longer than practically every other major leaguer in the batter's box after making contact to begin running the bases. I think this makes him a jerk. You may draw your own conclusion.

I would include footage of his 756th home run, but I have neither the express written consent nor the implied oral consent of Major League Baseball. Go find it on ESPN.com or somewhere.

New Windows

Installing new windows in our house seemed like a great idea until I had to reboot them for the tenth time.

Explanation: We had new windows installed in our house yesterday and they work great, except for the fatal exception error the one over the couch keeps taking. No matter how pretty they are, windows are windows. Thanks, Microsoft.

Where's the Moose?

Dear Maine,

I recently visited your state for several days. During that time I saw a Lobster Festival and some beautiful scenery, but no moose. As per your satisfaction guarantee, I kindly ask that you rectify this oversight by sending one moose to the address listed below. Thank you.

Jeremy

Explanation: We did, however, see a fake coyote, stuffed moose, an elk statue, and numerous majestic chipmunks. Oh, and this advertisement for Mooster:


Special Blog Bonus: I found it! Here's an MP3 of Moose In My House. Enjoy!