Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Explanation: This is another gem from my college roommate, Matt. You may not find this amusing. Honestly, I don't even think it's a joke. The full effect is totally lost without Matt laughing uncontrollably after saying "No." To this day, I have no idea why he thought it was so funny, but it was still hysterical to see him laugh at it.
Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, "Hot enough for ya?" The second muffin says, "AAAAAAUGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Source: This gem comes courtesy of my college roommate, Matt. Matt has a bizarre sense of humor, but this was always one of my favorites.
Special Blog Bonus: Do you know the Muffin Man?
"Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!" I love that line.
Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
Answer: Yeah, I did too.
So, I just really wanted to leave it at that. It's the kind of joke you can construct the punchline from, so I don't really even need to tell you... But I will.
Real Answer: She was up all hours of the night wondering if there was a dog.
From the archives:
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he still slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accepting a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway, but his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the head, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.
"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
"I got here in two, didn't I?"
Explanation: A little Labor Day golf humor. I got this joke from my father-in-law. Enjoy your long weekend!
From the archives:
"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."
Source: Comedian Todd Glass
Explanation: See, ducks are just inherently funny. I don't know why, but they just are. In fact, in a 2002 study by psychologist Richard Wiseman and colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, UK, they verified this:
The team's analysis has also revealed the world's "funniest animal" - the duck. "If you're going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck," Wiseman says.
Special Blog Bonus: A Far Side involving a duck:
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Source: The following knock-knock joke:
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Explanation: A little while back, somebody I know (who shall remain nameless) was trying to remember how this joke went. In their effort to recall the joke I was subjected to participating in about 5 full-length efforts at recreating it. After about two unsuccessful tries, I was laughing hysterically at the fact that they needed to say the whole joke out loud during each attempt. I guess you had to be there.
Special Blog Bonus: Orange you glad I only posted a dancing banana?
What did Zero say to Eight?
Source: This is a joke my wife heard from a fourth grader at her school.
Answer: "Nice Belt." This really cracks me up. Maybe I'm a nine year old at heart.
