Stay Off the Juice, Kids

Remember kids, steroids are bad for you.

Explanation: Just a friendly public service message from all of us at Jeremy's Status Message to you in this new year. We know you have a new year's resolution to lose those extra pounds, get in the gym and snap yourself into shape, but steroids are not the answer. Sure, you may have an upper bowel inflammation, an eye injury leading to blurred vision, or a systemic reaction to poison ivy, but this miracle drug isn't as miraculous as you might think. It can do more harm than good. Stay off the juice, kids!

Think you can't get big without steroids? Look at Uncle Walt. He's totally clean (assuming Tastycakes and Diet Coke aren't performance-enhancing drugs) and he can squat six people:


EDITOR'S NOTE: As we are currently covered with a rash due to an allergic reaction to a steroid we are taking, we felt it was a good time to remind you all of the dangers of drug use. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some serious scratching to do.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of spreading like a plague, this animated map of Walmart's growth across America is pretty interesting. And no, it is not a link to a YouTube video.

Life's Little Lesson #114

From the archives:

Life's Little Lesson #114: No matter how strong you are, it's still not smart to run with a refrigerator on your back.

Explanation: I came up with this gem after seeing somebody sustain a catastrophic knee injury during a strongman competition on television. I will make no effort to search for video of the event since I'm really not into that sort of thing, but I did feel like this piece of advice was worth passing on.

Just for the record, it is also not wise to arm wrestle with a man who A) used to arm wrestle competitively and B) is widely considered to have the world's strongest arms.

HUUUUGE!

From the archives:

My brother-in-law can totally lift that.

Explanation: I wrote this status message a few years ago after the weekend my sister got married. My brother-in-law happens competes in strongman competitions and has finished as high as sixth at U.S. Nationals (where the top 5 finishers go to the ESPN World's Strongest Man competition). Anyway, last night I went to see him compete and this seemed like a good time to rerun this old status message. Need proof?

After the competition, I jokingly asked if he would take a picture with me. He picked me up and this is the result. Now, admittedly, I weighed only about 190 when this picture was taken, but in his defense, he did only use one arm.

Just Like the Big Dance, Only Smaller

What do Air Force, Clemson, Mississippi State, and West Virginia have in common?

Answer: None of them made the NCAA Tournament!

Explanation: We're going to the NIT Semifinals at Madison Square Garden tonight! This is the night all of our questions are answered! Will the underdogs pull out victories? Will we figure out who the underdogs are? Can Air Force deal with the low altitude? How will Mississippi State deal with the big city atmosphere? What will we eat for dinner? Why on earth does Clemson wear orange and purple? Will West Virginia get Pittsnogled? Did I spell "Pittsnogled" right? Why didn't Syracuse get an NCAA Tournament bid? Are there NIT tournament pools? Are they bigger or smaller than West Virginian gene pools? Does Phil Phister read my blog? Will he hurt me because of that gene pool comment? Does anyone miss the third-place game?

Exciting answers coming tomorrow!!!

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of the NIT, here's the ugly stepsister from Shrek: