Thursday, September 27, 2007

Stupid Chocolates

Dear Lindt,

I hate you.


A Letter to the Good People at Lindt Chocolate:

Dear Lindt,

My wife and I went to visit her grandmother this weekend. Her grandmother is currently in a rehab center after having her hip replaced.* While we were there, Grandma offered us each a Lindt Lindor truffle. She directed us toward a container in her room and said, "they're for my visitors." I politely declined. I do not eat chocolates all that often and certainly not on a muggy day like it was when we visited. My wife declined as well. After the further insistance of her grandmother, my wife finally relented, while I still said I did not want one. She said, "But, they're for visitors!" which was my cue to just take one even if I didn't want one. I was just trying to make my hostess happy. I stashed it the breast pocket of my shirt so I wouldn't forget it. My wife even said to her grandmother that we would save them for dessert after our lunch, which seemed like as good a time as any to eat this chocolate that I didn't really want.

After the visit, on our way out of the rehab center, my wife gave me her chocolate and said it had already started to soften while in her purse. That should have been my first clue. I held both chocolates in my hand, knowing that I couldn't forget about them or they would melt. When we got to the car, I put them in one of the cupholders in my center console, and promptly forgot about them. That would prove to be a big mistake.

Several days later, (yesterday) I embarked on a three-hour drive to the office for work. I settled my stuff into the car, including my water bottle, which I dutifully placed in the unoccupied cup holder in the car. After a stop at Dunkin' Donuts, where I had bought a chocolate milk, I did some shuffling, which ultimately resulted in the chocolates moving to the passenger seat and my water bottle moving to where the chocolates had been.

It's important to note that, in order to get to the office on time, I had to leave the house before 6:00am. It was dark out for the first half of my trip. I couldn't see much inside the car while I got my stuff settled.

Somewhere during my trip, I realized that there was chocolate on the passenger seat. At that point, it occurred to me that the chocolates had melted and moved around on the seat. Nothing to worry about - the seat is leather and everything cleaned up with a moist napkin. I was frustrated by this, but I disposed of the chocolates and that problem was solved...

Until I left the highway. My sunglasses had a smudge on them, so, when I stopped at the first traffic light, I went to clean them off with my shirt. At that point, I noticed that there was chocolate all over my lap. My first thought was that I had settled the chocolates on my lap for some reason before moving them to the passenger seat. It seemed odd that I hadn't gotten any on my hands, though.

Soon I came to the realization that the problem was in the cup holder. Over the course of a few days, the truffles had melted significantly enough to form a nice little layer of chocolate. As the car warmed up, so did the pool, liquifying it into my own personal mobile fondue pot, and getting it all over the bottom of my water bottle.

Ironically, as I had used the water bottle to moisten the napkin to clean the chocolate off of the passenger seat, I rested it on my lap several times, covering myself with even more chocolate. By the time I realized where the chocolate was coming from, I was coated in it. In my efforts to clean myself off (using more water) I managed to have a giant wet spot on my lap and a bunch of giant brown splotches to go with it. Not how I want to present myself at work.

Why? All because I took one of your stupid chocolates that I didn't even want in the first place. Over the years, life's little lessons have programmed me with instincts that I can't even explain, only to learn WHEN I IGNORE THEM that those instincts serve an important purpose. I knew that I wouldn't follow through on throwing out the chocolates. I knew I'd forget about them. So, I tried to nip it in the bud, but nooo - I have to be polite. Forget politeness. I'm following my instincts from now on.

So, the next time somebody insists that I have a Lindt Chocolate, I'm going to say no anyway.

I just thought you'd want to know that.

Sincerely Bite me,


*I feel comfortable discussing this online because my wife's grandmother will never ever see this. If you know her grandmother, please refrain from mentioning this story. The stress of it may set her back in her recovery from surgery. You wouldn't want to cause harm to a kind elderly woman, would you? WOULD YOU???


Jeremy said...

So you were rude to a very nice old lady by refusing her chocolate, then stopped at a Dunkin' Donuts for chocolate milk?

Jeremy said...

Chocolate milk doesn't melt. Sure, it can make a mess, but it comes packaged in its own secure containment unit.

Willie Y said...

This never happens with bacon.

Jeremy said...

But the melting and subsequent mess is hardly the point. You certainly were not anticipating making a catastrophic mess out of the chocolate when it was offered. Yet, you avoided the chocolate...only to provide yourself a separate means of chocolate at a later time.

Willie Y said...

Stick with chocolate mixed with milk in secure containment unit. It just doesn't complicate your life as much in that form.

Jack said...

Haiku Thursday

Try to be nice to others
And refrain from hurting their feelings
Yields embarrassing results

Haiku for Chocolate....

seductive truffle
cocoa covered confection
yes, I can smell you

you are bad for me
melting in my fantasy
keep me in the dark

Heather said...

a) Perhaps the cosmic message here is, "You should visit hip replaced family members in the hospital when they are all "Hopped up on goof balls" and not yet able to "hand out melty chocolate balls"


b) HONDA and God made you fondue, which your wife is fond of, even if big blue is not.

Willie Y said...

Great story. Monica and I were laughing so hard we peed our paints. Thank god we both were wearing Depends.

Jeremy said...

So, I looked at my blog this morning, and sure enough, the advertisement in the upper right was for chocolate truffles.

Thanks, Adsense!