I find it a little eerie how much celebrity chef Mario Batali resembles Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.
If I wrote a book for people trying to have children, I'd call it "What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect."
Explanation: See, there are a zillion books about pregnancy with convoluted names like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect When She's Expecting" and "How Experts Expectorate Experimental Expectorants" (OK, I made that one up). Anyway, I think "Expecting to Expect" is a niche in the market that hasn't been overpublished yet. I'll let you know when I make my first million.
Special Blog Bonus: Need some excitement on your Tuesday morning? Here are a ton of couch scenes from the Simpsons:
De las archivas:
Available in Spanish in SAP.
El Sourceo: Oh, admit it. You've seen it on the bottom of your screen when your favorite program came on. Every once in a while, I bet you've even hit the SAP button (if you can find it) just to find out what Homer Simpson sounds like in Spanish. I know you've done it. If you haven't, this is pretty much what you'd see:
El Blogo Bonuso Especial: What happens when you give LEGOs to a photographer during the Olympics? You end up with a set of LEGO Olympic scenes, like this one of a swimming event:
Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do! Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, We do! Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do! Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, We Do, We do!
Source: This is the Stonecutters' song from the Simpsons.
Explanation: As I was flipping through the channels this morning, I stumbled across the fine piece of cinema that is Police Academy IV. Like any sane movie viewer, I started to ponder why exactly Steve Guttenberg was a star in that film. Then I remembered this song.
Special Blog Bonus: Mr. Jellyfish can thank the Stonecutters for this as well:
From the archives:
Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy.
Source: This quote is the disclaimer from the end of the Bart the General episode of The Simpsons. Come to think of it, I haven't had a good Simpsons post in a long time.
Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Star Wars themed Simpsons intro:
Bonjourrrrrrr, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!
Source: From The Simpsons episode Round Springfield, where budget cuts at Springfield Elementary School forced Groundskeeper Willie to teach a French class.
Explanation: Today's message is a long-distance dedication from Steve in Poughkeepsie to his favorite person from Surrenderville, Europe.
Special Blog Bonus: I am always amused by the selection of ads that appear on my blog, but today's was really worth mentioning. Apparently, my site is an ideal place to advertise for shoes that increase your height.* OK, I'll admit it. I've been "lifting". I wear them to boost myself up to 6'8".
Here's a Far Side to help you forget about your altitude deficiency:
Important Scheduling Note: At 3pm today, the New York Yankees play at Virginia Tech. You can see the game live here.
*For those of you keeping track at home, my advertisers think you are a short single Christian who likes Napoleon Dynamite.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Source: The one and only Homer J Simpson. This quote is from the Bart the Genius episode. Incidentally, this is also the episode where Bart plays "K-W-Y-J-I-B-O" in Scrabble. Way cool.
Special Blog Bonus: Somebody built the H.M.S. Edinburgh, a destroyer, out of LEGOs:
More pictures here. It took the builder two years to complete.
I tried to counter this by building the U.S.S. New Jersey out of LEGOs, but I made the mistake of beginning my construction on B-4, and alas, somebody sunk my battleship.
Update, 10:14am: I am told that today is Thomas Edison's birthday. I had no idea. Good timing, I guess.
From the archives:
"Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me over the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word 'boss'."
Source: Hank Scorpio, from the Simpsons.
Explanation: Hank Scorpio is Homer's new boss in the You Only Move Twice episode (script here). Scorpio is a really nice guy, but happens to also be a supervillian. Everyone has their faults, I guess.
Sharing birthdays today are pole vaulter Sergei Bubka, rapper Jay-Z, actress Marisa Tomei, model Tyra Banks, and millions of other people who nobody particularly cares about.
Explanation: Also with a birthday today is comedienne Margaret Cho, who falls into the last category. This, of course, takes me back to the Simpsons episode where Homer is asked for ID to verify that he is a veteran, which he is lying about to get an admission discount:
"Charlie didn't ask for ID when I fought at La Choy, and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho."
Special Blog Bonus: I haven't run a comic in a while, so here's an xkcd you may not have seen yet:
Feelin' fine.
Source: For you Simpsons enthusiasts, you should immediately recognize this as what Homer typed in their knockoff of The Shining in Treehouse of Horror V. I posted a video clip of this way back when, but it is no longer available on YouTube, so if you missed it the first time, you're out of luck.
Explanation: I played competitive indoor volleyball last night at a level I have not seen in a very long time. More to the point, I played volleyball at a level my body has not seen in a very long time. So, after 252 posts, it's about time I created a "Volleyball" label.
My wife seems to remember me saying things like "If I keep playing volleyball, my shoulder is going to keep getting worse and someday I'm afraid I won't be able to lift my own children." She also remembers me saying things like "My shoulder is back to 100%. It's fine as long as I don't play volleyball."
So, it's important for me to note that I feel just fine today. Nothing hurts. Nope. My body is finely tuned for such athletic activity. My shoulder is not, I repeat, not dangling from a thread today. I could totally reach that thing over my head with my right arm, I just don't feel like it. Not today, anyway. And those were not ibuprofens you heard from the bathroom, I was just finishing off my Tic Tacs. Yep. These tears are tears of joy.
Special Blog Bonus: I probably feel better than Phil Dalhausser did after this:
If I seem a little loopy today, it's the cough syrup.
Explanation: All of these bats flying around my office are making it very difficult to focus, and if you combine that with the fact that they're wearing little party hats and playing mariachi music, and that my monitor just melted again and I'm typing this with my mind, which is a good thing, since my fingers are playing 5-on-5 basketball on the floor right now, it leads to the start of a very interesting day, especially considering that the leaves are falling up and the sun is both rising and setting simultaneously and the Phillies are in the playoffs. The cough syrup bottle said not to operate heavy machinery, so I don't think I'm going to be able to stop the dog from driving that bulldozer down the hallway, which is unfortunate, because we don't have a dog and the hallway isn't big enough to accommodate both the dog and the ten giraffes standing there like bowling pins with those clocks melted over their backs while the Cirque do Soleil performers are chased from giraffe neck to giraffe neck by American Gladiators.
Special Blog Bonus: At least I didn't mix my cough syrup with a Guatamalan Insanity Pepper.
*Interesting note: I wrote "rising and setting simultaneously" before I looked for the Simpsons clip and realized they do a sun bit in there. So, either I think WAY too much like the Simpsons or I subconsciously remember more of their material than I think I do. Either way, it's kind of scary.
"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."
Source: Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons.
Explanation: This is from the Homer's Triple Bypass episode of The Simpsons. Of course, I can't find video of this clip on YouTube... in English. So here it is in German:
And Spanish!
Special Blog Bonus: A different Chief Wiggum clip, in English this time:
From the archives:
Well, animals are not like people, Mr. Materazzi. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Zidane.
Source: The World Cup and the Simpsons. I love these combinations of pop culture sources.
Explanation: OK, the World Cup element of this was because Zinedine Zidane went and headbutted the Italian defender Marco Materazzi during extra time in the 2006 World Cup Final. For one of the world's premier players in his final game, this was not exactly a high note to end his career on. Zidane was ejected from the game, leaving France short-handed. France went on to lose in penalty kicks.
Here's footage:
The Simpsons part is from the Bart Gets an Elephant episode. The Simpsons win Stampy in a radio contest, and after hilarity ensues for about 20 minutes, they give him away to an animal refuge, where he starts butting another elephant. When Marge asks the warden why Stampy is attacking all of the other elephants, the warden responds: "Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson." The camera zooms out and shows Homer repeatedly heatbutting the warden.
Here's a clip from the episode:
From the archives:
Dear Die Hard,
You Rock! Especially when that guy was on the roof.
P.S. Do you know Mad Max?
Source: The Simpsons. Apparently Homer Simpson has a penchant for writing letters to movies.
In honor of the new Die Hard movie, here's another Simpsons movie trailer.
...and the Live Free or Die Hard trailer:
This STATUS MESSAGE has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES
In a world of blogs with content on the left and a sidebar on the right or content on the right and a sidebar on the left, one blog dared to be different. One blog pushed the envelope. One blog had the guts, the courage, the intestinal fortitude (or any intestines at all) to try something new. This Friday, from executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer, the writers of Happy Days, and the people who brought you that strange blog about the teddy bears, comes a new dimension in blogging... The third column!
Coming to a browser near you Friday, May 24th.
Special Blog Bonus: Need a real preview? It's the Simpsons movie!
The gazebo in our backyard was sprayed on Friday for carpenter bees. Now there are poisoned bee carcasses all over the place. I saw some birds back there and thought they were eating the dead bees, and now I'm afraid that the birds might die from the poison. Then the cats from the neighborhood might end up eating the poisoned birds and dying. Next thing you know we'd have dogs being poisoned back there by the dead cats. It's not a good cycle. Anyway, long story short, if you see a bunch of dead horses in our backyard, now you'll know why.
Explanation: For those of you who grew up in Bosnia and may not be familiar with this song, here's a very rough approximation of how it goes:
Special Blog Bonus: It's Bumble Bee Man from the Simpsons!
From the archives:
After losing the chess championship, Jose Capablanca apparently spent quite a bit of his spare time hanging out in a specific cafe in Paris. Friends, acquaintances, and others would often drop by, participating in games and libations with the former, charismatic, champion. One day, while he was having coffee and reading a newspaper, a stranger stopped at his table, motioned at the chess set and indicated he would like to play if Capablanca was interested. Capablanca's face lit up, he folded the newspaper away, reached for the board and proceeded to pocket his own queen. The opponent (who apparently had no idea who Capablanca was) reacted with slight anger. "Hey! You don't know me! I might beat you!", he said. Capablanca, smiling gently, said quietly, "Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you."
Explanation: When you're a world class player, you're allowed to talk smack.
Special Blog Bonus: Here are a few Simpsons chess clips. Enjoy your weekend!
If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. YOU WANT THAT? DO YOU???
Source: Homer Simpson explaining to Lisa why the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution is not just a remnant from revolutionary days.
The following is a letter I read the other day in the New York Times:
To the Editor:
In “Eight Years After Columbine” (editorial, April 17), you call for more gun control. With 40 states permitting law-abiding citizens to carry handguns for protection, the evidence teaches that prohibiting carrying such weapons leads to tragedy.
Virginia Tech is one of the “gun free” zones in Virginia where gun possession is prohibited — a place criminals know that they need not fear an armed response. The prohibition did not stop the gunman, but it did prevent anyone on that campus from stopping his murder spree.
Daniel Schmutter
West Orange, N.J., April 17, 2007
Thank you, Daniel. I know the one thing I was truly upset about in college was the fact that more people didn't carry firearms. My safe haven of learning would have been so much safer. All those drunken fights at parties never would have escalated. Imagine how much safer the football games would have been. And the games we lost, when the entire campus was upset and angry? Much much safer. Who doesn't want more guns around in a place where a bunch of people are fresh out of their parents' homes, feeling lonliness and angst for the first time? According to a recent survey by the American College Health Association, 15 percent of college students were formally diagnosed with depression last year. So what if they all have their own firearms? As long as more than that 15 percent are armed, the world is a safer place, right?
Of course, by law, each and every handgun owner would have to be a responsible and upstanding individual. And if they weren't and they still managed to get a gun? Well, I'm sure there would be another responsible and upstanding individual waiting around to shoot them in case things got out of hand.
I like this plan. I'm happy to be a part of it.
