On Vacation

It appears that I will not have a regular internet connection for the duration of my vacation. As a result, I will not be posting for two weeks. Come back August 6th for new material!

Dear MacGyver

From the archives:

Dear MacGyver,

Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Source: Family Guy. Here's the clip:

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I think today would be more exciting if it started off with Kiefer Sutherland saying "The following takes place between 8:00am and 5:00pm, on the day before Jeremy's summer vacation. Events occur in real time."

Source: 24 (back when I watched it) began with the phrase "The following takes place between midnight and 1:00am, on the day of the California Presidential Primary. Events occur in real time."

Explanation: I'm just giddy at the the thought of that voiceover on a video clip of a four-way split screen (ala 24)with all four screens showing me sitting at my computer. Now, I'm not sure which would look better - all four scenes showing me playing Freecell from different angles, or four completely different shots - one of me eating, one of me playing Freecell, one of me screaming at the compiler, and one of me looking way too relaxed while on a conference call. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I could put the whole thing together using my camera and computer. Unfortunately, today is the day before my summer vacation, so there's no way I'm putting forth the effort to create such a video.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's an appropriate "Last Day" Far Side comic instead:


EDITOR'S NOTE: Jeremy will be on vacation for the next two weeks. While blog posts may or may not occur during that time, regular posting will resume on August 6th.

A Message in my Alpha-Bits

There's a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says "OOOOOOOOOOOO."

Source: Blatantly stolen from the Family Guy:

Peter: Oh my God! Brian, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says "OOOOOOOOOOOO."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

SEVEN ONE EIGHT!

Today is 7/18 and in all seven seas, I'm mobydickulous.

Source: This is based on a lyric from the 2 Skinnee J's song, (718):

Come check us out, we're two stereo bean poles.
You say that you don't know, but your Pinocchio nose grows.
We're wanton juxtaposers, any style that you like,
Goes right into the mix, when we style on the Mic.
We're analytical, ain't that political,
And Yo we step up to the mic subject to ridicule.
We're meticulous, ain't that ridiculous?
We're in all seven seas, we're mobydickulous!

Explanation: Today is July 18th (7/18), which also happens to be the area code for Brooklyn, New York. (718) was my favorite 2 Skinnee J's song about the band members moving to Brooklyn. In concerts, they always performed it last, which is good, because I was usually too exhausted to go on afterward.

Special Blog Bonus: I don't have video of (718), but then again, if you don't experience it, it's just not the same. Here's Loud Neighbors, one of the first songs they performed at the 7/18/03 farewell concert at B.B. King's in Manhattan. And yes, I was there.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I feel obligated to say that the language in these video clips is not 100% wholesome. Neither is life. Suck it up and enjoy some fine entertainment.



You know what? We're going to party like it's 7/18! Here's The Good, the Bad, and the Skinnee from another concert:



Keep this party moving! Here's Change the World:



And finally, here I am with my favorite Bosnian and my favorite Irish/German guy, posing with A.J. Stumpy Johnson, the band's owner, manager, and spiritual advisor. Truly, we are all champions. (And we have the medals to prove it!)


Now go out there and have a mobydickulous day! And bounce just a little bit in honor of the Skinnees - they deserve the love.

Homonyms

Can you think of any more opposite homonyms than Dalai, Dolly, and Dali?












Explanation: Seriously, we need to extend the mathematical concept of orthogonality into celebrity to fully grasp the difference between Dolly Parton, the Dalai Lama, and Salvador Dali. One is a trashy blonde country singer, one is the reborn incarnation of a spritual leader, and the other was an eccentric painter best known for his flamboyant style melting clocks. Just look at their tense: one is Dolly, one was Dali, and one was, is, and always shall be the Dalai Lama.

Try not to get them confused. Can you see Richard Gere making a patronage to Nashville to study spirituality at the feet of Dolly Parton? Or Whitney Houston "covering" Dali's speech to the International Surrealist Exhibition by dressing in a diver's suit? Of course, I can totally see a modern surrealist mimic Parton's style of plastic surgery and low cut dresses... but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

And I didn't even consider throwing Dolley Madison into the mix!


EDITOR'S NOTE: I know Salvador Dali actually pronounced his last name "da-LEE" but the post is more fun if we overlook that fact.

Life's Simple Pleasures

Last week I learned that candles and pan-ca-cakes can be the difference between a good day and a bad day.

Explanation: The short explanation is that when a 2-year-old mispronounces words, it's cute. My nephew is very excited about his sandals, which he calls "candles." And "pancakes" (which he also loves) happens to be one of the many words that he adds a syllable to when pronouncing. It was very cute to hear him ask the waitress for "pan-ca-cakes." When I do stuff like that, they just look at me like I'm crazy.

And speaking of pancakes...

Tardy the Turtle

From the archives:

Crayons taste like purple!

Source: The one and only Tardy the Turtle from Greg the Bunny.

Explanation: Tardy is the developmentally challenged turtle on the show. This clip shows the best of Tardy (which isn't hard, because the show only had like six episodes). Some highlights:

• "I am singing the quiet song. The quiet song. The quiet song. I AM SINGING THE QUIET SONG!"
• "The green ones make me horny."
• "After dinner I'm opposed to get pudding!"
• "I made a smelly in my shelly."

And of course, the canteloupe in the last clip actually made me laugh out loud. Good stuff! Check it out:

Parappa Week: M.C. King Kong Mushi

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

I gotta believe!

Explanation: Having finally gotten a date with Sunny, Parappa takes her to the concert hall, where the one and only M.C. King Kong Mushi is performing. He is, of course, a dreadlocked Rastafarian-looking insect who can rap. At this point, you really can't be surprised by anything, so you just go with it. Parappa joins him on stage for a performance in the exciting conclusion to the game.



Added Bonus: In most parts of the game, if you rap well enough to reach "U rappin' COOL" status, your partner steps out of the way and lets you freestyle a little. Here's an example on the final level. Think of it as rhythmic button mashing.



We hope you've enjoyed Parappa the Rapper week here on Jeremy's Status Message.

Parappa Week: The Restroom Line

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

In the rain or in the snow, I got the funky funky flow. But now, I've really gotta go.

Explanation: So, after Sunny's birthday party, Parappa is driving her home to get ready for their date later that evening. Wouldn't you know it, he needs to stop and use the restroom. When he gets to the restroom, who does he find in line? Chop Chop Onion Master, Instructor Mooselini, Prince Fleaswallow, and Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken, of course! How does he move up in the line? He raps them for position!



This scene ends with the disturbing scene of Parappa entering the restroom and exclaiming "Ah, this is life!" Not sure what it means. Maybe it's a poor translation from the original Japanese or something. Try not to think too hard about it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Parappa the Rapper week on Jeremy's Status Message!

Parappa Week: Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

Crack crack crack the crack into the bowl.

Explanation: With his car replaced, Parappa turns his attention to making a cake for Sunny's birthday party. He makes a seafood cake all by himself with the aid of Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken on his television set. Yes, a seafood cake made by a dog for the flower he's in love with. Just go with it.

This line should be "Crack, crack, crack the egg into the bowl," but frankly it's more fun to put crack in the cake. It just is.

Parappa Week: Prince Fleaswallow

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

Just because the rhythm is slow, that don't mean that you can't flow.

Explanation: Parappa earns his driver's license and takes his dad's car out, only to wreck it in an accident. Suddenly he needs money to repair the car. Enter Prince Fleaswallow, who gives Parappa a job. Prince Fleaswallow is just like the rapper Shaggy, only he's a giant frog who sells junk. Plus, in the rain or in the snow, he's got the funky funky flow, so that's something.

Parappa Week: Instructor Mooselini

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

"Check and turn the signals to the left."
"Check, turn, check, turn, check, turn, right."

Explanation: Next, Parappa finds that everyone is impressed by Joe Chin's stretch limousine and decides to get his driver's license so he can take her out. On his driver's test he encounters Instructor Mooselini. The worse Parappa does on this stage, the worse the car handles. Also, if it takes you more than three tries to complete this level, the song becomes embedded in your skull, never to leave again. Watch the clip four times in a row. You'll see.

Parappa Week: Chop Chop Onion Master

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

I wanna see if you wanna see what it means to be the man with the master plan. Are you the man now?

Explanation: Parappa the Rapper is a video game that was released for the Sony Playstation back in the mid 90's. Essentially, you play as Parappa and rap your way through a series of levels where the quality of your rap is judged by whether you pressed the appropriate button at the appropriate time. If you've ever seen or played Dance, Dance, Revolution in an arcade think of it like that, but just for your fingers on the controller.

The plot is really something special. Parappa is an animated paper-thin teenage dog who is madly in love with Sunny Funny, who happens to be an animated paper-thin flower. Also vying for Sunny is Joe Chin, a well-to-do narcissistic hormonally advanced dog. Now, ignoring the whole interkingdom dating thing, which you must to fully appreciate this, we take Parappa through a series of scenes as he attempts to win Sunny's heart.

After some back story and an encounter with some bullies, our first scene takes us to the dojo of one Chop Chop Onion Master, who will teach Parappa kung fu. Yes. The dog is learning kung fu from an onion in order to woo a flower. You just have to go with it.

Are You a Robot?

From the archives:

Which of the following would you most prefer? A) A puppy. B) A pretty flower from your sweetie, or C a large properly-formatted datafile?

Source: Futurama.

Explanation: Robots administer this test to determine if the taker is a robot or not.



Special Blog Bonus: Behold, a not-so-large properly formatted data file:

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The not-so-large properly formatted data file looked hideous and would have been very confusing. Instead, enjoy it in its interpretted form, as a small JPEG image of a half-chicken half-squirrel.]

CHICKEN FIGHT!

From the archives:

NO! I won't take a coupon from a giant chicken! Not after last time...

Source: Peter from the Family Guy

Explanation: I've actually already posted the first two chicken fights from Family Guy. Enjoy the third installment:

You're Gullible

You're so gullible, if you look up "gullible" on Wikipedia, there's a picture of you... unless somebody took it down since I put it there this morning.

Explanation: See, I can actually post your picture to Wikipedia, which renders the whole "gullible" joke pointless, but then again... why am I explaining this? In honor of my upcoming vacation, here's some more Wikipedia humor:

The Problem with Wikipedia

Wikipedian Protester

I Believe This Qualifies as "Ill"

I'm busting mad rhymes at an 80% success rate.

Source: Paraphrased from Futurama, where Leela is talking about the Beastie Boys' heads in concert.



Also in the episode is the following exchange between Fry and Ad-Rock:

Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?

The Fourth of July... and Cabbage?

From the archives:

"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."

Source: It turns out, this was not factual, it's an urban legend. Bummer - it sure had a nice sound to it.

Happy Independence Day!* Now go out there, celebrate our nation's independence, and enjoy that cole slaw served at your picnic with total disregard to how it was purchased!

Special Blog Bonus: Other not-so-independency cabbage quotes:

“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.” - Mark Twain

“Idealist: One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup” - Henry Louis Mencken

“Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.” - Ambrose Bierce

*To my Canadian readers, happy belated Canada Day! May your loonies and toonies be plentiful, may Terrance and Philip always be free, and may Tony Fernandez always grace the Skydome with his presence.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench...

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Source: Simple advice from Coach Patches O'Houlihan in Dodgeball.



Explanation: Dodgeball is a highly underrated movie. Honestly, I thought it was going to be stupid. It turns out it was hysterical. Of course, it was stupidly hysterical, but hysterical nonetheless. And, it's ripe with status message material. Expect to see more here from this film in the future.

Cross-Paining

Apparently, a couple of 40-yard sprints can cripple somebody who hasn't done them in a while.

Explanation: Yesterday, I had the bright idea of heading out to the municipal fields and running some sprints. This is part of my new training philosophy where I'm trying to mix it up a bit. Well, it worked. I don't think I've run that hard that often in about ten years. Note the following picture of Olympic sprinter Florence Griffith-Joyner:


You'll notice some serious mass in the region of her hip flexor. I believe I have the same mass today, only it's not muscle, it's swelling.

I guess I should consider it a good thing that I haven't had a need to run like that in the past decade. That would indicate that my quality of life has steered me totally clear of my fight-or-flight mechanism. Ten years without sprinting from a serious predator - now that's something to celebrate. So I will... as soon as I can walk again.

Dear Die Hard...

From the archives:

Dear Die Hard,

You Rock! Especially when that guy was on the roof.

P.S. Do you know Mad Max?

Source: The Simpsons. Apparently Homer Simpson has a penchant for writing letters to movies.

In honor of the new Die Hard movie, here's another Simpsons movie trailer.


...and the Live Free or Die Hard trailer: