Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Working from home in the greatest Halloween costume ever.

Explanation: Three words: LEGO Mini Man

That's right! It's time for everybody's favorite holiday! The only day of the year children are allowed to walk from door to door demanding a candy payoff to prevent unfortunate toilet paper incidents involving the tree in your front yard. It's Halloween!

As I do on every Halloween,* I'm working from home dressed up in my Halloween costume. It's a little tough typing with these mini man hands, but I think I finally have the hang of it.

*And you can't prove otherwise

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bite-Size Baseball

I watched the entire baseball game last night! Go Phillies!

Explanation: Given that last night's Game 5 was potentially the deciding game of the World Series, and given that the Phillies are now my local team, I decided to sit down and watch the entire game. That's right - I, Jeremy, watched an entire baseball game phrom start to phinish. Now, admittedly, the phact that the start was in the middle of the sixth inning did help my cause, but I'm still really proud of myselph.

Now, I'll be the phirst to admit that baseball games are better in person when they have nine innings. Otherwise, there just wouldn't be enough opportunities to visit the concession stands. Or, in the case of most of the other patrons, there wouldn't be enough chances to drown yourselph in alcohol to the point where you make a phool of yourselph, much to my amusement. The televised baseball game, however, is ideally three to phour innings long. When TiVoed, that's an hour of excitement, tops. Perphect phor my busy schedule.

Now, iph you'll excuse me, I have to put the phinishing touches on my Phillie Phanatic Halloween costume and then go join the rioting in my street. Go Phillies!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Let's Get a Few Things Straight

Just a friendly reminder that Friday is Halloween, Daylight Saving Time ends on Sunday, and Tuesday is election day. Try not to get them confused and set democracy backward by trick-or-treating an hour late dressed as the scariest candidate.

Explanation: What's even more confusing is that I have to have blood taken and get my car inspected in the next two days. What happens if my costume fails inspection or I give blood to children at my front door? What if I drive my voting booth down to Motor Vehicles? What if my inspection sticker gets set behind? What if I vote for the candidate most likely to hit a vein on the first try? These are serious questions, and in this serious time, we need serious answers. That's why I'm casting my vote on Tuesday for the candidate who shows up at the correct time in the best Halloween costume. I hope you'll do the same.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Wet Series

On a miserable rainy day like this, all you really want to do is go outside and play a potentially deciding game of the World Series.

Explanation: Why would you play game five in the pouring rain??? Why???

There. That's my contribution to the blogosphere today. Stay tuned for another exciting post tomorrow here on Jeremy's Status Message.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Beat the Rush! Fall Behind Now!

According to my TiVo, I left home at 4:45am today.

Explanation: No, I did not leave at 4:45am, nor did I watch any television this morning.* This weekend began the exciting period where the government's change in Daylight Saving Time screws up devices that were "smartly" programmed to change automatically based on the old standard.

Yesterday, my mom was telling me about how half the clocks in her house were suddenly an hour off and I laughed at it, only later realizing that my TiVo showed 12:00 and 3:00 NFL games yesterday. Luckily, it thought the games were at 12:00 and 3:00, so other than the bad time, it still functions correctly.

*I actually left home for Poughkeepsie at 5:45am this morning. If you see me yawning today, it's not because you're boring me. Well, maybe it is, but at least I have a really good excuse.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thank You, Firewall

Nothing is worse than canceling 10 hour computer process which hung halfway through only to discover a firewall window in the background asking if it was OK for said program to access the internet.

Explanation: I was backing up my hard drive yesterday with the intent of starting when I finished work and letting it run overnight. Before I went to bed, I noticed that it was hung, so I went ahead and hit "Cancel". Immediately after canceling, I noticed the Norton window in the background.* The reason the program hung was because it couldn't get through my stupid security software. One click of "Allow" and it would have been back in business. Curse you Norton!!!

From the irony department, I should also note that my Norton Internet Security license expired a couple of weeks ago and Norton has been telling me every day that my machine is unprotected against new threats. Luckily, it's still protected from the older, yet still extremely dangerous process of backing up my files. I feel so much safer knowing this.

For those of you who enjoyed my last Norton upgrade, have no fear - another upgrade is coming very soon.

*By the way, it took a half hour for the cancel to take effect, too.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Birthdays Today

Happy Birthday to Al Capone and Amy Winehouse!

Source: My subconcious. As far as I know, today is neither of their birthdays.

Explanation: Last night I had a dream where I was in a group headed for a coworker's birthday party. We came to where the party was supposed to be, only to find two large signs, one that said "Amy Winehouse Birthday Party" and one that said "Al Capone Birthday Party". Behind the signs were roads that curved around to the respective party locations. We knew our party was in the same area as the other two, but didn't know which road to pick. At that moment, I woke up very confused.

So, in preparation for election day, I ask you, my loyal readership, to choose the lesser of two evils: Which road do you pick? Al Capone or Amy Winehouse, and why?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Go Monkeys Go!

Today's status is courtesy of an infinite number of monkeys, each with a typewtrier.

Explanation: Due to the huge stock market slump, I've reallocated my investments from stocks into an infinite army of monkeys. They're expensive to feed and you don't even want to know what my garage looks like right now, but they come up with brilliant status messages. Sure, given more time, my monkey army could have gotten the last word spelled right, but I'm on a timeline here. Plus, I have to set them forth on my more ambitious plan of creating the Infinite Monkeys reality show. It's like Survivor but with smarter characters and more poo-flinging action!

Interesting Fact: It only took seven of my monkeys 12 minutes to duplicate the most recent James Patterson novel.

Special Blog Bonus: Guess I'm not the only one to consider this subject matter...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Today's Status is Just Ducky

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my brother been in here?”
The bartender responds, “What does he look like?”

Explanation: A duck. He looks like a duck. Need a better duck joke? How about this one:

So this guy walks into the doctor's office with this big white duck on his head.

The doctor looks up and says, "Yes, sir, can I help you?"

And the duck says,

"Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?"

OK, just for good measure, here's a duck comic from See Mike Draw:

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hokie Hokie Hokie... Sigh

How can a team with no running game and no passing game score 23 points?

Explanation: I sat down in front of the Virginia Tech game at Boston College this weekend with minimal expectations. Regardless of Tech's 5-1 record, this is a rebuilding year. I don't know how good Boston College is, but I know Tech has a history of tough games against them, especially in Chestnut Hill.

I've spent many years watching my Hokies play, and I am generally pretty emotionally vested in their games... but not this year. On Boston College's first passing play of the game, Tech intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. Then B.C. fumbled the ensuing kickoff return. With 13:00 to go in the first quarter, the Tech offense took the field for the first time on the B.C. 30 yard line with a 7-0 lead. In past seasons, I would have been jumping up and down and cheering and laughing and loving life. This season, however, I just sat there on the couch, knowing that this game was far from over. The inept Tech offense took the field, went three and out, and settled for a field goal to make the score 10-0.

As the game went on, the pain continued. Tech has no passing game. The passing highlight of the day was a bomb to a wide open freshman receiver (they're all freshmen) that went through his hands and bounced off his face. The running game was nonexistant. Our best play is where Tyrod Taylor drops back to pass and then scrambles because none of the receivers is open. Our second best play is where Taylor drops back and then throws a bullet to a place where there isn't a receiver. Sure, it doesn't gain any yardage, but it doesn't lose any either.

B.C., meanwhile, continued to show signs of life on offense. They ran back a punt for a touchdown, partially blocked a punt, and had a few big passing plays. Tech, on the other hand, couldn't do anything on offense. The defense scored another touchdown, and generated enough field position for the offense to kick two more field goals. That's right. The defense scored 14 and the offense managed 9. If the special teams managed to score (or avoid giving up a score) Tech might have won.

With the score at 28-23 in Boston College's favor, Tech got the ball back with over a minute left. Was I on the edge of my seat? No. Was I excited? No. I just sat there, quietly curious as to what on earth we could possibly do with the ball. The answer? Run four plays without getting a first down. Game over. Go team!

Also, you might have missed it during ESPN's coverage, but former Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan was in attendance at the game.

I'm not totally sure, but I think ESPN cut to him between every play. Even Jessica Simpson doesn't get this kind of attention when she goes to Cowboys games.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Glow-In-The-Dark Jeremy

Today, in theory, I should be exposed to about one quarter of the radiation that the average Hiroshima survivor was exposed to.

Source: This is according to Wikipedia, which is on the internet, so you know it's true.

Explanation: I'm going to make a long story short here, but I've had some abdominal pain lately and my doctor wants me to get a CT scan. Having never gotten one before, but excited that I can now complete the X-Ray/MRI/CT trifecta, I looked it up online, only to discover that it involves exposing me to gross amounts of radiation. While I'm excited at the prospect of having a solution to this pain, I'm now a wee bit worried about glowing in the dark. Sure, not as much as this guy, but still.

Special Blog Bonus: In other body imaging news, Jason Freeny's website has the anatomy of a LEGO minifig, as well as a few other similar items, including a clever 3D rendering of the anatomy of a balloon animal.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

GA: Germophobes Anonymous

Maybe reading two consecutive books about pandemics wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

Explanation: I just finished Chuck Pahlaniuk's Rant: The Oral Biography of Buster Casey which, among other things, involves a rabies epidemic. By the end of the book, I was completely aware of every possible way I could contract rabies in my day-to-day life. When I finished the book, I decided to pick up Stephen King's The Stand. While I knew that The Stand involved most of humanity dying out, I had forgotten that it was due to a government-created flu. Every time a person in the book has the sniffles, they and everyone they've come into contact with are dead within a couple of days. As a result, I am now hyper-sensitive to sniffles, coughs, sneezes, wheezes, and everything else you might see in a NyQuil commercial.

If you sneeze and I pause for a moment, I apologize. I'm just envisioning the end of civilization as we know it.

Special Blog Bonus: This has nothing to do with anything, but a friend emailed me this video of a couple's first dance at their wedding. I wish I could say I was this creative.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Fun of a Fall Mow

Enjoying my pretty lawn while it lasts.

Explanation: After about three weeks of not mowing, I finally got the mower outside and did the lawn last night. Now that the sprinkler issue has been resolved, the ground was pretty dry, so that helped, but I had a lot of growth in the backyard and a lot of leaves in the front yard.

I'm sure I've complained about this before (and I'm sure you homeowners already know this) but there are two things I particularly hate about mowing the lawn this time of year.

First is the amount of volume the leaves add to the mower bag. On a normal summer mow, I empty a full bag twice and then empty the bag again when I'm done just so it doesn't stink up my garage. Yesterday I emptied the bag at least ten times. It was ridiculous. Mow down, mow back, mow down, mow back, empty the bag. And repeat. Sometimes I couldn't even get four trips in. The mulch pile behind my house went from being 2 feet high to being 5 feet high. I'm glad the grass isn't growing as fast these days, because I'd hate to do this more than once every other week.

My second issue is the more upsetting part - there are still leaves on the trees. Last year I mowed the front lawn and all of the leaves were gone and it looked so pretty... until the next morning when you couldn't tell that it had been mowed at all. This year fall isn't that far along, but the trees out there are just mocking me. I know my pretty lawn isn't going to last. It cheapens the whole mowing experience.

Anyway, my lawn is pretty right now and will remain so for at least fifteen more minutes, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Columbus Rocks!

Happy Day-After the Federal Holiday Everyone Forgets!

Explanation: That's right, yesterday was Columbus Day - the day when all Americans go out to check their mail and leave their trash cans at the curb without remembering that it is actually a federal holiday.

People, you have to respect the importance of this holiday. On the second Monday of every October, we celebrate the good people of Columbus, Ohio, and their contributions to this great land of ours. We give thanks for their professional sports teams: the Columbus Crew, the Columbus Blue Jackets, and the Ohio State Buckeyes. We hold picnics to share our love of Ohio's largest city with our families and dearest friends. We curse Drew Carey and all those other jerks who sing songs about how Cleveland Rocks. Columbus rules, Cleveland drools, people!

To everyone in my neighborhood with their trash out today (our trash gets delayed a day after federal holidays) shame on you! To everyone who checked their mail yesterday, shame on you! To everyone (me) who had to have a letter postmarked by October 13th and ended up driving to the Post Office distribution center by 4:30 so some guy in coveralls whom you had previously spoken to on the telephone could take it from you on the loading dock before the truck from the distribution center came, shame on you!

Columbus Day is an important federal holiday, just like Topeka Day, Carson City Day, and Boise Day. Respect the calendar, people!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weight Loss Made Simple

I lost five pounds in just under an hour and you can too!

Explanation: Trying to shed a few extra pounds? Diets not working? Don't have time to work out? I have the plan for you!

The secret lies in a special bacteria that your body thinks is toxic. Just eat a little bit of this bacteria on your favorite food product: pizza, wings, french fries - whatever. In just a few hours, it will start to work its magic.

You'll know when the magic starts to happen. You'll feel those pounds just fly off. There's no need for a manual, DVD, or anything. Your body will know exactly what to do. Just let the bacteria do its thing and in an hour or two, you'll be a leaner, meaner version of yourself.

Real Life Testimonial: I took my dose of the special bacteria on a sandwich on Saturday afternoon. I went to bed on Saturday night feeling perfectly normal. At about midnight, though, the bacteria went to work. My body jumped into action, and the pounds just started to fly off of me in every conceivable direction. By 1:00 AM, I was back in bed, 5 pounds leaner than before. It was easy! Don't fall for those infomercial gimmicks where you have to diet for months to see the same results. This is the real thing. Five pounds in one hour. And I haven't put the weight back on! In fact, the mere thought of food disgusts me! I may be even lighter! Act now!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Vacation Day

Vacation Day Today - Be Back on Monday

Special Blog Bonus: Who started the fight, the chicken or the egg?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Baby Names

So, Jeremy++ and Linus are out as names. You think my wife will go for Perl or Ada?

Explanation: For those of you who get this, I'm sorry. For those of you who don't, these are all baby names based on computer stuff. See, if I was a bigger computer nerd, I would have pushed for names like this. Of course, if I was a bigger computer nerd, chances are pretty good that I never would have encountered a woman to marry and have a family with in the first place. So there you go.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side involving my worst nightmare: a safari and a coathanger. (OK, my worst nightmare actually involves a pack of hyenas as well, but let's not explore that too deeply.)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Nerd Squared

I'm still in court today, but I needed a new status message

"Yoda of Borg are we: Futile resistance is. Assimilate you, we will."

Source: I saw this in some guy's sig on (of course) a Linux forum. And no, the above photo is not my Photoshop handiwork.

Explanation: Anything that includes both Star Wars and Star Trek AND is funny has to be a status message. It just has to be. End of story.

Special Blog Bonus: In LEGO Borg/Yoda news:

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Big Baby News!

In court today, but...

Check out my web site for the big news!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Wanted: Registered Voters

Wanted: Registered voters to participate in elaborate psychological experiment.

Explanation: Phase I of the experiment will require participants to meet a series of rigid timelines under threat of harsh penalty, only to then have to wait cumulatively for several hours before anything of consequence happens. Interspersed between these waiting periods, participants will be assembled in the main laboratory where a subset of 14 will be "selected" for participation in an even more elaborate experiment. These select few will be elevated into a special box for all others to see. All participants in Phase I will receive $5 per day for their services.

The select 14 will then enter Phase II, where they will be regailed by the chief experimentor as heroes of democracy while simultaneously being subjected to even longer waiting periods between segments of the experiment. During such periods, participants will be herded into a small windowless holding pen with arbitrary climate control. During the non-waiting segments of the experiment, participants will enjoy an elaborate tale of true crime as presented by one orator, while another simultaneously professes an equally riveting, nearly identical tale of an innocent person in the wrong place at the wrong time. During particularly enthrawling moments of this presentation, participants will abruptly be shepherded back to their pen in an effort to convince them that they are missing the most important parts. Orators will often huddle with the chief experimentor, muttering clearly important things just out of earshot of the participants. To further infuriate participants, even though the only thing any of them have in common is their participation in this experiment, they will not under any circumstances be allowed to discuss the experiment. This requirement is essential. While Phase II participants are waiting in the holding pen, the chief experimentor will occasionally call out individual participants, ask them bizarre questions, and then tell them to return without discussing their conversation with the other participants, thus undermining the dynamic within the isolated group. Participants in Phase II wil be remitted $40 per day.

When the elaborate tale of true crime concludes, Phase III of the experiment commences. 12 of the 14 participants will be allowed to return voluntarily to their holding pen to finally discuss the experiment with each other. 2 participants, however, will be randomly selected to move to another, smaller, windowless holding pen also equipped with arbitrary climate control. These 2 participants will STILL not be allowed to discuss the experiment with each other, even though they know the other 12 are happily discussing it. Occasionally the chief experimentor will assemble all 14 participants in the main laboratory to answer questions from the 12, just to further remind the unfortunate 2 that they are still not talking about the experiment. All participants in Phase III will be payed $40 per day, regardless of whether they are part of the lucky 12 or the unfortunate 2.

Explanation, Part II: No court today, deliberations resume on Tuesday.

I have been selected as an alternate juror. Correction: I have been selected as the SECOND alternate juror. So, after spending six days listening to the entire court case and I am now required to sit with the first alternate juror in a small room while our 12 cohorts deliberate elsewhere. I am required to be in court, in spite of the fact that I am not actually participating in anything, nor is there even a remote chance that I will ever get the opportunity to participate in anything. On the bright side, I can bring my laptop and do work. As you can tell, I am thrilled about this.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Deliberation? Delightful.

Jury Deliberation starts today...

If liberation means setting people free, then deliberation clearly means locking people in a small room.

Source: Here's Larry David getting out of jury duty on Curb Your Enthusiasm

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Trial Goes On

Jury Duty Today

Here's the courtroom scene from Woody Allen's Bananas (which I have never seen):