Friday, July 31, 2009

Cookie Monster Friday!

C is for Cookie and Cookie is for me! Cookie Cookie Cookie starts with... ummm... just give me a moment, I know this one...

Explanation: Occasionally, especially on hot days, I like to work downstairs in my house where it's much cooler than my office. This has the added benefit of putting me around my daughter most of the day. Of course, on the negative side, this also puts me near my daughter's toys most of the day. Several of her toys play songs repeatedly, much to her delight, but not so much to mine. This morning she played a while with the Sesame Street toy, so I heard quite a bit of the Cookie Monster.

Of course, I recall a recent nice day when one of the neighbor children was playing (and probably banished) outside with a whistle. I guess my house isn't all that bad.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Public Service Announcement

Important Note: Remove all hardware from rain barrel before installing.

Explanation: So, I bought a rain barrel a while back. The point of such a device is to collect rainwater from a downspout for watering your plants and such. Our county had a special at their Earth Fair where I could pick up a 55 gallon barrel for a good price, so I got one. As a side note, if you're ever picking up a 55 gallon barrel, A) do not bring a Honda and B) do not bring your family (including carseat) in said Honda when you do so. It fit, but I don't think a 56 gallon barrel would have. Plus, the ride home was amusing as my wife had to drive with the steering wheel touching her chest. I couldn't drive because I couldn't fit in the driver's seat.

Anyway, we had some gutter work done yesterday, so I pulled the barrel out from the garage so they could set up the downspout for it. Everything looked great, and just in time for a torrential downpour last night.

At about 5:30 this morning, I woke up and was pondering what else I have to do with the barrel when it occurred to me that I had never taken some of the installation hardware out of the barrel before putting it in place. It turns out that the gutters are working wonderfully and had completely filled the barrel, which I had to partially empty and then reach in up to my elbows to extricate the parts bag. It wasn't a pretty scene.

So, to all you people who may be considering the purchase of such a device, I highly recommend that you remove all hardware from the barrel BEFORE putting it in place.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


A public statement in response to all of the media inquiries: I have decided to remain unretired. Thank you.

Explanation: There have been numerous inquiries of late into my employment status. I've had John Clayton and Ed Werder camped out on my front lawn in the ESPN truck for three or four months now. Numerous retirement communities have expressed an interest, including Del Boca Vista Condominiums, the Oakland Raiders and the National League. I appreciate the interest, but after taking some time to evaluate my status, I have decided to remain unretired. I hope the indecision of the past months has not tarnished my image in anyway, and I thank you once again for your interest.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Neutral Post

"Live Free or Don't."

Source: From Futurama this is the government motto of the Neutral Planet.

Explanation: Those filthy Neutrals. With enemies, you know where they stand, but with Neutrals? Who knows? Their grayish planet stands to be obliterated at the hands of those who hold strong (but perhaps misguided) opinions. Beige alert! Beige alert!

Special Blog Bonus: Here's the leader of the Neutral Planet with a special video editorial response to today's status:

Friday, July 17, 2009


I'm speechless. Absolutely speechless.

Explanation: It took a long time, but you've finally done it. I've heard what you said, seen what you've done, considered the whole situation, and I'm speechless. Absolutely speechless. You might think I'd have a response. Something to say, be it a roar of laughter, a jubilant cheer, or even a scream in frustration. If not that, than maybe just a comment. Something to reflect what I'm thinking at this very moment. Anything, anything at all. But nope. I'm speechless. Just speechless.

Jeremy's Status Message will be taking yet another week off, but we'll be back on July 27 with more statusey goodness... and hopefully a voice.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Has anyone seen my voice?

Explanation: The annoying hoarseness in my throat from yesterday has gone away. No more of that silky smooth "I'm going through puberty" voice of mine. Nope. It left. I woke up this morning and all that was left was a note:

Dear Jeremy,

We had some good times. It's not you, it's me. I need some space to deal with some things I'm going through right now. Thanks for the memories.

All the best,
Your voice

Now I'm stuck trying to communicate to my 5-month-old daughter using a bizarre combination of hand gestures and whistling in Morse code. It isn't pretty. Anyone out there have a "sure-fire" cure for laryngitis?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Maybe I'll Hit 7 Feet This Time

A hoarse is a hoarse, of course, of course.

Explanation: If you're on the phone with me today and you hear the sultry sounds of my deep voice, know that it's only temporary. When you hear my voice crack like I'm 15 again, have no fear - I am not hitting a growth spurt again. This new voice of mine comes complements of the late night post-nasal drip that I've picked up since my return from Hilton Head.

And in case you were wondering, alternating between orange juice shots and cups of tea is disgusting. Now you know.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

To Kindle Or Not To Kindle...

I want a Kindle. I don't want a Kindle. I want a Kindle. I don't want a Kindle...

Explanation: The nice people at Amazon are really plugging their new Kindle e-book reader.And I really want one. And yet I really don't want one. I don't know if I've ever felt this strongly about a piece of technology in both positive and negative ways. Here's my breakdown of the pros and cons.


  • It's just one device instead of hundreds of books. The Kindle makes packing for trips much easier.
  • It can store newspapers and magazines as well. You have to pay for them, but again it's one device instead of a huge pile of reading material.
  • I can store documents on there as well. As someone who hates to print stuff out, but hates having to read at my computer, this is a nice feature.
  • Free (text-based) wireless internet. This feature is just awesome, but Amazon has the right to take it away at any time.
  • I believe (but am not positive) that I could condense all of my work manuals onto the Kindle. Along with annotations, this would be quite handy.
  • Annotations! The ability to annotate as you read without worrying about a pen or notebook or messing up your book by dog-earing pages or any of that stuff is just cool. Then being able to track down those annotations quickly is a big deal for me. Obviously I don't care so much about this with the fiction I read, but it's quite nice for non-fiction.
  • For those of us who continue to have annoying double vision issues, the Kindle can make any book a large print book.
  • It's not a book. I grew up in a house with lots of actual books, and I like them. I love the idea of someday having a house with a library in it. I need books for that library, not a Kindle.
  • It's technology. I prefer media that doesn't require technology for viewing. A book is a book is a book. It'll never change and you can always read it. A Kindle needs to be charged. All of my data will be in an Amazon proprietary format. It may become obsolete. I may accidentally lose my data. These things drive me crazy.
  • It costs $300. That's a lot of money, and...
  • Most books cost $10 a pop. Saying it can hold 1,500 books is one thing. Saying it can hold $15,000 worth of books makes it sound a little different, doesn't it? Library books are free. Last time I checked, that's less than $10.
So, in conclusion, I both want and don't want a Kindle. I guess I should just go out and buy one and not buy one, huh?

Monday, July 13, 2009

It's Rhyme Time!

Let's have a little talk about tweetle beetles.

Source: This is from Fox in Socks, by Dr. Seuss, which was one of my Father's Day gifts this year. This line is a little unusual in that it doesn't rhyme with the only other line on the page. That drives me nuts.

Explanation: When tweetle beetles fight, it's called a tweetle beetle battle. And when they battle in a puddle, it's a tweetle beetle puddle battle. AND, when tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle, they call it a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle. AND, when beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle and the beetle battle puddle is a puddle in a bottle they call it a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine what they call it if the above battle occurs on a poodle eating noodles.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Back From Vacation!

"Oh look! This is the perfect place for our baby to swim!"

Source: This was a quote by my wife.

Explanation: My family spent the last week in Hilton Head. It was a great (and much-needed) vacation, and we had a lot of fun bringing our daughter on her first big trip. One of the exciting parts was bringing her to the ocean for the first time. My wife was very excited about this, and as she and I went for a walk on on the beach during our first day there, she was scouting out the area.

Some neat features of the beach we were staying at were the numerous sandbars that appeared at low tide, when we happened to be walking. In one place we found, the low tide actually created a nice cute little pool on the beach, which led to today's status message. The words had barely escaped my wife's mouth when I saw the dorsal fin rise to the top of the pool. Sure enough, there was a 3 foot long shark (a bonnet shark, I was told) circling the pool, trapped until the tide came back in.

I spent the remainder of the walk joking about my wife's maternal instincts. Most importantly, however, no babies were harmed in the creation of today's status.