Thrice the Blades, Thrice the Danger

See, the problem with a triple-blade razor is that now you get three razor nicks instead of one.

Explanation: In case you've been living under a rock for the past ten years, you've probably noticed that the number of blades offered on razors is increasing rapidly. Here's a nice little graph* of the number of blades per razor available to the general public since the invention of the safety razor in 1895.


As the number of blades per razor rapidly approaches infinity, a scary truth has remained unspoken. Sure, the multiple blades give you a smoother shave, but the multiple blades also mean multiple danger should you slip with the razor. The other morning I was half awake while shaving (as I usually am) and my hand slipped, giving me two very nice parallel slits in my cheek which bled profusely and forced me to spend the morning with toilet paper embarassingly wadded to my face. Still, I feel blessed knowing that my three-bladed Gilette did only two-thirds of the damage it was capable of. For those of you who think better graphically, here's what razor nicks look like for two, three, and four blade razors, plus a scary glimpse of what the future has in store for us. Beware!

*My graph is based on real live actual data. Gillette introduced the safety razor (one blade) in 1895, the Trac II (two blades) in 1971, and the Mach III (three blades) in 1998. Then Shick threw the Quattro (four blades) into the market in 2003, followed by Gillette's Fusion (five blades) in 2007.

AH-CHOO!

April wheezing brings May sneezing.

Explanation: OK, first of all, we didn't have any showers in April, unless you count the pollen which was falling from the sky. Then, in May, MORE POLLEN! Sure, we have flowers, but you can't see them under all the pollen. Heck, look at my car:

MAD LIBS: Obfuscating What's-a-who-sit?

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Botswana today because I have to wash my hair. I can be reached via mental telepathy, flaming woodchuck, or Windows Pinball.

Source: OK, I wrote this one. Let's just pretend that I was actually playing the MAD LIBS game like the rest of you, because contacting me by "flaming woodchuck" is just too funny to pass up.

Actually, today's guest post comes from Julie. I could not make this my actual status on account of the excuse she chose, but if you're reading my blog, you can handle it:

Working from Chinatown today because he had herpes. I can be reached via American Sign Language, obfuscating bonobo, or WINSOCK.DLL.

Explanation: If you're a regular reader, you're familiar with obfuscation. For the less informed, however, I will now happily explain what a bonobo is. Ummm...


Uh...


Well...


Hmmm...


OK, screw it - I looked it up. The internet, which is never wrong, tells me that a bonobo is a pygmy chimpanzee. Here's the photo I found:


There you go. Thank you, Julie. Now we've all learned something today.

We hope you have enjoyed MAD LIBS week here on Jeremy's Sametime Status. Have a great weekend!

MAD LIBS: Sloth Smash!

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Downtown Poughkeepsie today because the sun was in my eyes. I can be reached via Morse code, smashing three-toed sloth, or Microsoft Word.

Source: Today's MAD LIBS submission comes courtesy of Peter, who wins the "Best Excuse" award. Unfortunately, the winning excuse (part of his second submission) is inappropriate to run as my work status. Luckily for you, I'll still run it here:

Working from Little Rock because she told me she was 18. I can be reached via hieroglyphics, heckling boll weevil, or Windows Media Player.

Explanation: As I searched the internet for three-toed sloth pictures, I discovered that these peaceful, slow-moving creatures mostly just hang around on trees, eating leaves.


Interestingly, however, it is unwise to anger a three-toed sloth. You won't like a three-toed sloth when it's angry. SLOTH SMASH!


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

MAD LIBS: My Dog Ate It

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Evil Jeremy's living room today because my dog ate it. I can be reached via smoke signals, spanking emu, or Minesweeper.

Source: The words for today's status message were submitted by Evil Jeremy. Of course, his exact words were "Jeremy's living room", implying that he was working in my living room, but that just doesn't make any sense if I post it as a status message. Therefore, I took the liberty of saying "Evil Jeremy's living room", which is just the kind of thing my evil twin would say. PLUS, it has the added bonus of looking like I'm talking about working from HIS living room, because as you probably know by now, we both think the other is the evil one.

Explanation: I'm not totally sure how one communicates by spanking an emu, but I'll just assume that it can be done and not worry about the logistics.

Special Blog Bonus: Evil Jeremy is running a theme week over on his blog, which contains some fun number sequences. Since he gave me my post today, I figure I should point some traffic in his direction.

That's so very kind of you

Yes, I know it is.

Update 2:41PM: Special thanks to Uncle Willie for this image of an emu spanking. And remember kids, Retirement + Photoshop = Dangerous.


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

MAD LIBS: Stuck In the Blood Pressure Machine at Wal-Mart

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from the 5th circle of Hell today because I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart. I can be reached via smoke signals, spelunking manatee, or Freecell.

Source: Today's status message comes courtesy of Jim, who gets bonus points for touching Wal-Mart's blood pressure machine in the first place.

Explanation: No explanation necessary. In case you were wondering, a spelunking manatee looks something like this:


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

A Snowy Haiku

Haiku Friday returns!

Working from home stinks.
No matter what the weather,
I don't get snow days.

Explanation: Days like today are no fun for the telecommuter. I always work from home. This is not a big deal. My home office carries on as always. Meanwhile, my coworkers in the blustery north are out shoveling all day, while my wife is home from school, sleeping in just to spite me. The neighborhood kids will soon be outside my window, frolicking in the snow (and most likely in my yard, as well). Maybe I'll take a break at some point, go outside with the shovel, and beat a few of them senseless. That'll be fun.

Special Blog Bonus: First, here's a follow-up on yesterday's Shannon Doherty post. I said the picture was Photoshoppable. Here's proof:

The first picture is the original. The second is my Photoshop attempt to make her normal. The next comes compliments of Willie, and the last is from my dad. They're both retired. I have no excuse.

But that's not all! Make sure you go to eBay today and bid on the Virgin Mary pretzel. Just for the record, instead of shelling out five grand for this one, I'll happily make you a life-size Virgin Mary out of pretzel sticks for a mere $1000. For $2000, I'll make it out of Philadelphia-style soft pretzels. You can't beat that deal! Buy now!

New Windows

Installing new windows in our house seemed like a great idea until I had to reboot them for the tenth time.

Explanation: We had new windows installed in our house yesterday and they work great, except for the fatal exception error the one over the couch keeps taking. No matter how pretty they are, windows are windows. Thanks, Microsoft.

Like You Didn't Already Know That My Subconscious Was Scary?

So, I had the "moving out of college" dream for like the thousandth time last night. But THIS TIME we drove through Vegas on the way home, got involved in a shootout at a casino, met Frank Beamer at a restaurant, had our car broken into, and then hung out with a bunch of thugs at a pool without water.

Explanation: Dreams always seem to make more sense when you're having them.

It's been years since I got out of school and yet my subconscious still dwells on one of the following on a regular basis:

1. Moving out of college
   
2. Moving back to college
   
3. Being at college and knowing that there's a class I'm enrolled in, but I don't know where it is.

Last night, I had to move my stuff out of a dorm, but apparently my subconscious was feeling a little more creative than usual.

And the highlight of my dream? I see Frank Beamer, who is having a conversation with someone else while waiting for a table at a restaurant. (If you didn't know, Frank Beamer, pictured left, is the head football coach at Virginia Tech, my alma mater.) I walk by him, pat him on the shoulder and say, "Hi Coach!" Without hesitating, I get a big smile and he says "Hey, Jeremy! Good to see you!" Eight years out of school and he still remembers me! Pretty good memory for a guy who never met me, huh?

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of my subconscious, here's a purple elephant in sneakers:

Happy Corona Day!

From the archives:

Joyeux cinq de Mai!

Explanation: Today is May 5th. El Cinco de Mayo. It's a Mexican holiday! And my message is in French!!! Why am I explaining this???

Double Special Blog Bonus: A Taco Bell commercial AND an armadillo in a sombrero. What a great day! Enjoy your Corona!

Gun Week - The GPS Smith and Wesson

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.

But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.

Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"


The Smith and Wesson 500, now with onboard GPS. Go ahead 200 feet, turn left onto Franklin Street, turn left at the end onto Giles Road, make the second right onto Progress Street NE, bear right onto Main Street, continue for approximately one quarter of a mile, turn right, and make my day.

Thus concludes Gun Week on Jeremy's Status Message. Remember, the more guns people have, the more peace and freedom they enjoy. Help us strive to make our country a bastion of peace and freedom following in the example set before us by the great enlightened peoples of Compton, Camden, and Alabama. Thanks for visiting!

See the rest of Gun Week: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday

Gun Week - The Palm UZEO

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.

But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.

Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"


The Palm UZEO. It goes where you go. It combines a world GSM phone, email, broadband wireless, Windows Mobile®, and a 1700 round per minute firing capacity. That's right - you can exercise your Constitutional right 28 times a second! Protect your loved ones and show them the virtues of the NRA website all with one convenient device!

See the rest of Gun Week: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday

Gun Week - The iMAC-10

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.

But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.

Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"


The iMAC-10. Spread democracy while listening to your favorite tunes. Also available: the Video iMAC-10. Watch "The Office" safely while home alone. Watch "Home Alone" safely while in the office. Are you laughing at me? ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME???

See the rest of Gun Week: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday

Gun Week - The Moto AKZR

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.

But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.

Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"


The Moto AKZR. Neutralize the enemy threat with unmatched style. Be the envy of your neighborhood as you fend off intruders and heavily-armed wildlife. Now with Bluetooth! (Also available in pink)

See the rest of Gun Week: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday

Gun Week - The Glockberry

In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.

But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.

Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"


The Glockberry. The only semi-automatic pistol with a full QWERTY keyboard. Defend your civil liberties without missing an email! Hurry now and own the official mobile device of the NRA!

See the rest of Gun Week: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday

More Basketball Pool Gloating

So, it turns out Florida can cut down the nets, but I'm not even allowed near the curtains with scissors.

Explanation: Don't worry. I'm not going to let this basketball pool victory go to my head.

LEGO Jack Nicholson

I saw The Departed the other night. I'm not saying it was a violent movie, but I was rather surprised that I made it through the whole thing without being shot.

Explanation: Unfortunately, I can't explain much without spoiling the movie. So, I won't. Instead, please enjoy the LEGO Jack Nicholson I created:



Special Blog Bonus: Build your own LEGO people here. OK, so maybe I used Photoshop, too.

Lost in Poughkeepsie - Follow Up

I just found a floorplan of the lower level of 707: