SPEAK UP!

Has anyone seen my voice?

Explanation: The annoying hoarseness in my throat from yesterday has gone away. No more of that silky smooth "I'm going through puberty" voice of mine. Nope. It left. I woke up this morning and all that was left was a note:

Dear Jeremy,

We had some good times. It's not you, it's me. I need some space to deal with some things I'm going through right now. Thanks for the memories.

All the best,
Your voice

Now I'm stuck trying to communicate to my 5-month-old daughter using a bizarre combination of hand gestures and whistling in Morse code. It isn't pretty. Anyone out there have a "sure-fire" cure for laryngitis?

Maybe I'll Hit 7 Feet This Time

A hoarse is a hoarse, of course, of course.

Explanation: If you're on the phone with me today and you hear the sultry sounds of my deep voice, know that it's only temporary. When you hear my voice crack like I'm 15 again, have no fear - I am not hitting a growth spurt again. This new voice of mine comes complements of the late night post-nasal drip that I've picked up since my return from Hilton Head.

And in case you were wondering, alternating between orange juice shots and cups of tea is disgusting. Now you know.

To Kindle Or Not To Kindle...

I want a Kindle. I don't want a Kindle. I want a Kindle. I don't want a Kindle...

Explanation: The nice people at Amazon are really plugging their new Kindle e-book reader.And I really want one. And yet I really don't want one. I don't know if I've ever felt this strongly about a piece of technology in both positive and negative ways. Here's my breakdown of the pros and cons.

Pro:

• It's just one device instead of hundreds of books. The Kindle makes packing for trips much easier.
• It can store newspapers and magazines as well. You have to pay for them, but again it's one device instead of a huge pile of reading material.
  
• I can store documents on there as well. As someone who hates to print stuff out, but hates having to read at my computer, this is a nice feature.
• Free (text-based) wireless internet. This feature is just awesome, but Amazon has the right to take it away at any time.
• I believe (but am not positive) that I could condense all of my work manuals onto the Kindle. Along with annotations, this would be quite handy.
• Annotations! The ability to annotate as you read without worrying about a pen or notebook or messing up your book by dog-earing pages or any of that stuff is just cool. Then being able to track down those annotations quickly is a big deal for me. Obviously I don't care so much about this with the fiction I read, but it's quite nice for non-fiction.
• For those of us who continue to have annoying double vision issues, the Kindle can make any book a large print book.
  

Con:

• It's not a book. I grew up in a house with lots of actual books, and I like them. I love the idea of someday having a house with a library in it. I need books for that library, not a Kindle.
  
• It's technology. I prefer media that doesn't require technology for viewing. A book is a book is a book. It'll never change and you can always read it. A Kindle needs to be charged. All of my data will be in an Amazon proprietary format. It may become obsolete. I may accidentally lose my data. These things drive me crazy.
  
• It costs $300. That's a lot of money, and...
  
• Most books cost $10 a pop. Saying it can hold 1,500 books is one thing. Saying it can hold $15,000 worth of books makes it sound a little different, doesn't it? Library books are free. Last time I checked, that's less than $10.
  

So, in conclusion, I both want and don't want a Kindle. I guess I should just go out and buy one and not buy one, huh?

It's Rhyme Time!

Let's have a little talk about tweetle beetles.

Source: This is from Fox in Socks, by Dr. Seuss, which was one of my Father's Day gifts this year. This line is a little unusual in that it doesn't rhyme with the only other line on the page. That drives me nuts.


Explanation: When tweetle beetles fight, it's called a tweetle beetle battle. And when they battle in a puddle, it's a tweetle beetle puddle battle. AND, when tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle, they call it a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle. AND, when beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle and the beetle battle puddle is a puddle in a bottle they call it a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine what they call it if the above battle occurs on a poodle eating noodles.

Back From Vacation!

"Oh look! This is the perfect place for our baby to swim!"

Source: This was a quote by my wife.

Explanation: My family spent the last week in Hilton Head. It was a great (and much-needed) vacation, and we had a lot of fun bringing our daughter on her first big trip. One of the exciting parts was bringing her to the ocean for the first time. My wife was very excited about this, and as she and I went for a walk on on the beach during our first day there, she was scouting out the area.

Some neat features of the beach we were staying at were the numerous sandbars that appeared at low tide, when we happened to be walking. In one place we found, the low tide actually created a nice cute little pool on the beach, which led to today's status message. The words had barely escaped my wife's mouth when I saw the dorsal fin rise to the top of the pool. Sure enough, there was a 3 foot long shark (a bonnet shark, I was told) circling the pool, trapped until the tide came back in.

I spent the remainder of the walk joking about my wife's maternal instincts. Most importantly, however, no babies were harmed in the creation of today's status.

Clam It

Why exactly are clams so happy?

Explanation: I keep hearing that so-and-so was "happy as a clam." I've seen clams before. They don't look very happy to me. Most of the time, they look breaded and fried, actually. Do they enjoy that? I guess I wouldn't mind being deep fried, assuming I was subsequently tossed in Buffalo sauce. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, speaking of being happy, I am happy. Why am I happy? Because I am going to be on vacation! That's why! I'll be back in a week or so with the statusey goodness you've come to expect from me (and my team of trained monkeys). See ya!

Sometimes You Just Can't Tell

So, is this a tragedy or can I start making up jokes?

Explanation: Michael Jackson passed away yesterday at the age of 50. It's a bit unusual for someone to spontaneously drop dead at that age. Then again, it's closer to normal than most of the other things Jackson has done in his life. I'm torn. Are people upset about this? Will they be insulted when I start making up stupid jokes about how he's dead by cleverly altering his song lyrics? Is it too soon? Do we celebrate him or mock him? I'm just going to have to think about this one.

While I'm pondering, you can witness the debate in the comments on this page. It's either very inappropriate or very funny.