Saturday, May 31, 2008

Slim Posty

From the archives:

There's a certain mystique when I speak, that you notice that it's sorta unique, cause you know it's me, my poetry's deep, and I'm still 'matic the way I flow to this beat.

Source: These are lyrics from Love Me by Eminem off of the soundtrack to 8 Mile.

Explanation: The explanation is simple. I like his wording and this is pretty much the only Eminem lyric I could use as a status message and not get fired.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are Eminem and Proof freestyling. It goes without saying that this clip contains some adult language, but in all honesty it's actually pretty tame.

Friday, May 30, 2008

May Madness

In case you were wondering, I'm currently in first place in my NBA Tournament pool.

Explanation: Yeah, that's right - the NBA Tournament. It's just like the NCAA Tournament, except there are less teams and nobody is paying O.J. Mayo to be there. I nailed the entire Sweet Sixteen this year! I'm a cinch to win this thing. Go Lakers!

I should note that the NBA playoffs are an important time of the year for me, because once they end, ESPN is dead to me until August when college football starts up. Sure, I'll check their web site once in a while to see if Willie Randolph got fired yet, but I don't really care that much about baseball.

Special Blog Bonus: Time for a LEGO roundup. Here are a few interesting models I've seen lately:

First up is the Miniland-scale LEGO Stephen Hawking along with mini Hawkings. Click the picture for more of their adventures.

Next up is a Stephen Hawking minifig, courtesy of (this is my favorite part) "Count Blockula".

There's also Sean Kenney's LEGO Empire State Building, which will reside on the observation deck of the building itself, making it the world's highest LEGO model! And yes, it comes with a gorilla.

And finally, Mark Kelso's (not the big helmeted safety on the Buffalo Bills) Apocalypsis. Nothing amusing about this, it's just a great model. You can read more about it by clicking the picture.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Take That, You Inorganic Adhesive!

Yes, well, I am polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive. So whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns in its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Source: Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Explanation: Some people are rubber, some people are glue. Sheldon happens to be polymerized tree sap. I think it suits him.

Here are two clips from the show:

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Don't Not Do It!

Don't do anything that effects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it. Then, for the love of God, don't not do it!

Source: Professor Farnsworth from the Futurama episode Roswell That Ends Well.

Explanation: The professor is warning his crew that they have gone back in time and they should not under any circumstances (unless they should) interfere with the past. Fry naturally goes on to kill his grandfather and then becomes his own grandpa.

Here's a clip including the ever popular "Truman Hitting on Zoidberg" scene:

Special Blog Bonus: It has nothing to do with Futurama, but here's the movie poster for I Am LEGO:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Official Post of NASCAR

Remember kids, Ritz is the official cracker of NASCAR.

Explanation: Sharing a house with somebody who listens to country music from time to time, I hear things on the radio I would not otherwise be exposed to. This past weekend, I learned that Ritz crackers are the offical crackers of NASCAR. It's important to know this distinction, because you wouldn't want to be seen eating an unofficial NASCAR cracker, or even worse, (gasp) a cracker that has nothing whatsoever to do with NASCAR. Oh the horror!

To make your life easier, we at Jeremy's Status Message have done a little research and suggest you stick to the following routine in order to fully support NASCAR and its sponsors:

When you wake up an hour late for work because that skank at the bar last night took the fancy Tissot (Official Watch) you stole from the dead guy and you forgot to replace the Duracells (Official Alkaline Battery) in your alarm clock, you don't have time for Kellogg's (Official Breakfast Food) or Minute Maid (Official Juice). Just slather on some Old Spice (Official Antiperspirant and Deodorant) and for heaven's sake, please get that Budweiser (Official Beer) off your breath with your toothbrush from Oral B (Official Oral Care Product). Don't worry about using Gilette (Official Shaving Product) because your court hearing isn't for another week. Just hop up into your Ford (Official Truck) and get down to the warehouse. Don't drive too wrecklessly because you're no longer covered by Allstate (Official Insurance) and you don't want to wreck the pretty Dupont Performance Coating (Official Finish) on your truck by mowing down any Chevrolets (Official Passenger Car). Plus, back when you hit that UPS (Official Delivery Service) truck, those jerks at Enterprise (Official Rent-A-Car Company) stuck you with a Toyota (Offical Manufacturer). How un-American!

Anyway, on your way to work, stop by APlus, (Official Convenience Store) grab a cup o' joe and throw back a few Tylenol (Official Pain Reliever) in hopes that you no longer feel like you've been hit by a Mack truck (Official Semi-Tractor Distributor). When you come waltzing into the Office Depot (Official Office Supply Products Partner) warehouse an hour and a half late and your boss fires you, we suggest that you hit him over the head with a Craftsman (Official Tools) wrench, take his Visa card, (Official Card) and run like hell.

Once you have that card, the sky is the limit. Before utilizing its full spending power, you should probably hit the Sunoco (Official Fuel) station and fill up. While you're there, grab some M&M's (Official Chocolate) and Combos (Official Cheese-Filled Snack) so you have something to munch on. Grab some Dasani (Official Water) too - it's on the big boss man!

Now it's time to spend big! Get yourself a new computer. One of those AMD (Official Semiconductor Technology) dealies with the American Online (Official Internet Service Provider). Pimp your truck's stereo with something by Sony (Official Consumer Electronics) and that Sirius (Official Satellite Radio Partner) doohickie. Act like your snooty manager - get some new Top-Flite clubs (Official Golf Club) and Calloway balls (Official Golf Ball). Toast your new fortune with a fine glass of bubbling Diageo (Official Wine).

After a busy afternoon of shopping, you probably want to ditch the card and grab a wholesome lunch at Rally's (Offical Burger). Make sure you wash it down with a Coca-Cola (Official Soft Drink). After that, you might want to hide out for the night at the Best Western (Official Hotel). Just order in some Domino's (Official Pizza Company) and get some rest. You have to find a new job in the morning. Oh - we suggest you try the Home Depot Warehouse (Official Home Improvement Warehouse).

A Brief Rant: Seriously? Duracell is the official alkaline battery of NASCAR? What, the company wouldn't shell out enough to be the official battery? Is there a chance of an official Nickel Cadmium battery? Lithium Ion? Do NASCAR fans even know the difference?

Another Brief Rant: If you were to say Calloway and Top-Flite, I would immediately think clubs and balls, not the other way around. It's like if you shell out enough cash, NASCAR will give you your own category. "McDonald's, The Official French Fry Supplier of NASCAR," "Burger King, The Official Onion Ring Supplier of NASCAR," and "Wendy's, The Official Frostee Supplier of NASCAR." What? You want in Hardees? Just make that check payable to "NASCAR" and we'll figure out your category later.

One More Really Brief Rant: Official Cheese-Filled Snack? Are you freakin' kidding me?

Monday, May 26, 2008

This Post? It's Faaaantastic.

From the archives:

Memorial Day grilling. It's faaaaantastic.

Explanation: Remember those old NBA commercials? You know, where they show something cool about the NBA and then say "it's faaaaaantastic"?

Well, Memorial Day grilling is like that, only without the fabulous athletes and with more fatty beef and pork products. Same amount of beer in both, though.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Size Matters

From the archives:

Saddam Hussein's prison cell in Iraq is bigger than our office. The difference is, we have internet access... SIGH.

Explanation: When Saddam Hussein was captured in Iraq, they described in the article how the once mighty ruler was now confined to a miserable cell. I was really excited about how he had been taken down a notch until I realized that the dimensions of his sad little prison cell were actually greater than the dimensions of my office at work... and I had to share my office!

Now, the internet access at work was certainly a perk, but he got free meals and we didn't. Let's not forget that part. Anyway, I learned that it is apparently better to be a deposed dictator facing execution than it is to be a lowly software engineer - advice I will certainly pass on to my children someday.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Always Looking Down on us Zoidbergs

From the archives:

"And those coworkers. Always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they? From Nob Hill? They're all like 'Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!', 'Put on pants, Zoidberg!', 'Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg!'"

Source: The Farnsworth Parabox - the same Futurama episode as my 2/24/07 status message.

Explanation: Another quote by Dr. Zoidberg regarding The Farnsworth Parabox (which was a box containing an alternate universe). This time, Zoidberg is complaining to Zoidberg from an alternate dimension about how his friends treat him.

Special Blog Bonus: Audio of this quote.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Perfect Strangeness

Balki Bartokomous, how could you do this to me???

Explanation: Well, the short explanation is that I had a conversation with Evil Jeremy yesterday and that shouldn't happen just as matter and anti-matter should steer clear of each other, and the bad guy in Time Cop should avoid touching his time-traveling self from the future.

The longer explanation is as follows. Evil Jeremy was trying to sell me on hockey, as he is known to do, and I mentioned that hockey people are just silly, citing the fact that Michael J. Fox and Dave Coulier insist on playing hockey at every opportunity in whatever sitcom they happen to be on. As you would imagine, he mentioned Steve Carrell as well. I said, "Like Tony Danza and tap dancing" to which he replied "and Bronson Pinchot talking with a funny accent." Naturally, I responded "Of course, don't be ridiculous!" at which point we agreed that Bronson Pinchot should give up his old voice for good and stick exclusively to the Balki accent. Then a little research on Perfect Strangers turned ugly fast.

As you may recall, Larry and Balki had a coworker named Harriet who eventually was paired with the loveable police officer from Die Hard as part of a spinoff series called Family Matters. Therefore, as far as I'm concerned, Balki Bartokomous is directly responsible for the existence of Steven Urkel. This is sad, sad news. There is no Dance of Joy in me today, folks.

Special Blog Bonus: Evil Jeremy also discovered that the original unaired pilot featured Louie Anderson as Cousin Larry.

How messed up is that? You can read more about the pilot here. In the meantime, here's a clip from the show:

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Good Dog.

Sit Ubu, Sit. Good dog.

Source: As you've probably seen it before, this is the closing tag from shows produced by UBU Productions, Inc. Their most notable shows were Family Ties, Brooklyn Bridge, and Spin City. Ubu Roi is a black labrador retriever shown holding a frisbee as they play these words.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of labrador retrievers, I'm reading Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dogright now and was surprised to learn that Marley himself appeared in a movie called The Last Home Run. It's rather amusing to read about Marley's behavior and then see him being himself in the movie:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Another Journey Into Jeremy's Subconscious

When dreaming about rebounding, it is important to not box out one's wife.

Explanation: Every once in a while, I have a sports-related dream. This morning, I dreamed that I was playing in a basketball game, which is interesting, because I've played actual real games of basketball maybe 10 times in the past 10 years. Anyway, my team was heavily favored in the game and as a result, the referees were letting the other team get away with some obvious fouls. At one point, I grabbed a rebound and went back up for the easy shot, only to have a player on the other team wrap his arms around me so I couldn't get my shot off. The referee chose not to call anything, so I opted instead to violently remove the player from my body. Unfortunately, my attempt at a judo-throw somehow crossed mental wires from my subconscious to actual real live motor-control. Next thing I know, I'm wide awake, bolt upright, and about to launch a pillow across the bedroom. Let's just say that my wife was more than a little startled by this.

Special Blog Bonus: xkcd has had a thing or two to say about dreams as well:

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Woodsy the Space Owl Says...

Give a hooto, don't pollute Pluto.

Source: This is from the Birdbot of Ice-Catraz episode of Futurama.

Explanation: A space oil tanker draws protesters on Pluto, and this is one of the signs they use. Then the tanker hits an iceberg, all 6000 of its hulls are compromised and it spills oil all over the place. Then I changed the channel to watch Sportscenter, so I don't remember exactly how the rest goes, other than Bender somehow thinking he's a giant penguin, and I remember this image being really really funny.

If you want to know more, you can read it here.

Remember, kids. Planetary pollution is no laughing matter. You need to think intergalactically, but act interplanetarily. Also, remember to spay and neuter your penguins... and not to arm them.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Finding the Silver Lining

From the archives:

Any Monday where you don't find yourself laying on your stomach under a car in the shoulder of the Thruway is a good Monday.

Explanation: Back in 2005, I was driving to Poughkeepsie from New Jersey on a Monday morning when I blew out my back left tire on my Bronco. I'm no stranger to replacing a tire, so I found a place to pull off the road with sufficient space to do my work. Having never actually changed a tire on the Bronco, I soon discovered that the jack required me to lay physically under my truck while I awkwardly twisted the truck into the air. Eventually overcoming my fear of being mowed down by a car while lying under my truck in the shoulder of an interstate, I managed to get everything ready for removing the tire only to discover that the tire had been replaced at some point with oddly sized lug nuts that didn't play well with any of the lug wrenches I had in the truck. So, in short, I risked my life for nothing and had to call a tow truck anyway. Good times.

Editor's Note: This whole ordeal was still much better than the first time I ever blew out a tire in 1992 (in the time before cell phones) on I-80 in Middleofnowhere, Pennsylvania, where I spent thirty stressful minutes figuring out how to get my donut on, only to discover that the car wouldn't start afterward.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Pros Just Call Them "The 'Capades"

From the archives:

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. And today's lesson is... "If you can't say something nice, you're probably at the Ice Capades."

Source: The Animaniacs Wheel of Morality.

Now, let's take a moment to learn something about our future master...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Surely, You Can't Be Serious

From the archives:

I gotta say something about that guy up there, and I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, guts! Why, Ted Striker has got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!

Source: Steve McCroskey describing Ted Striker in Airplane II: The Sequel.

Special Blog Bonus: Need more Airplane!? Gotta have more Airplane!? Well here's more Airplane! for you! (It sure is fun typing all of these exclamation points.)

Friday, May 16, 2008

We Interrupt This Blog...

We interrupt this blog with an important link from our editors...

Click here.

Fermat's Last Status Message

I have discovered a truly marvelous status message today, which this area is too narrow to contain.

Explanation: Those of you who are familiar with the history of number theory (or, more likely, with my blog) recognize this as a knockoff of Pierre de Fermat's words describing his Last Theorem. And yes, I've mentioned this theorem before. Some topics are too good to let go of.

Special Blog Announcement: Weekend posts are back! Through the power of scheduled posts (it's about time) Jeremy's Status Message will come to you with posts every day! We apologize for our recent weekend laziness.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Today's status is written in grammatically correct English almost.

Explanation: Last night on the radio, I heard a caller end a sentence with the word "almost" and, after cringing, this status jumped into my head. It amuses me because it would be a true sentence without the "almost" and yet with the "almost" it rings even more true, and frankly it's more funny this way.

As for radio callers, let's just say that the less I hear of them, the better. I'm still angry about the caller ten years ago who claimed that the American state producing the most diamonds was "Africa."

UPDATE (11:42 AM): So, I decided to research this (after brazenly proclaiming it to be bad grammar) and since "almost" is an adverb, it can be placed at the end of a sentence. I can't find anything on the internet telling me that it's wrong. I still don't like it, but I think it actually is correct. Stupid English and its stupid rules. Well, at least my post was funny almost.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to my letter to the good people at Webster's about how "fellowshipping" shouldn't be a word.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

720 Degrees Would Have Been Cooler

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

Source: Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted to the Dallas Mavericks.

Explanation: Interestingly, after a long stay with the Nets, Kidd eventually returned to the Mavericks and guided the team to a first round playoff loss - a 360 degree change from last year's first round playoff loss.

Special Blog Bonus: What? Basketball geometry quotes are boring? Well how about talking dogs?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


All I wanted was a freakin' salad. Is that too much to ask?

Explanation: Last night I wanted a salad for dinner. Not just any salad, mind you. I wanted to get one of those good salads with the bacon bits and ham cubes and cheese goodness that you can only build perfectly at a salad bar. At about 7:15 my wife and I set out to a grocery store that we haven't been to since new ownership took over. It turns out that they close up their salad bar pretty early. It also turns out that, after about a half hour there, neither my wife nor I will ever set foot in that store again, but that's a story for another day. A little after 8:00, we went to Wegman's, who always seems to do everything right. We had visited their salad bar recently and I was quite satisfied with the result. As we walked in, we saw the salad bar being disassembled for the night. OK, I could understand that. I decided to settle with a salad from Panera, which is in the same shopping center. You can always count on Panera. Good old trusty Panera. Hey, what does that sign say on the door? "WE ARE CLOSING AT 8:00 TONIGHT TO TRAIN EMPLOYEES ON A NEW MENU. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE." And what time is it? 8:11 PM.

It was about this point in the evening when my wife began to question whether I was being effected negatively by my poison ivy medication. Perhaps it was the litany of four-letter words that came out of my mouth. Maybe it had something to do with the curses I put upon several aggressive drivers on the way home (and their mothers). It might have had something to do with the whining she had to endure as I ate my nachos for dinner, which, if you were wondering, are not even remotely close to salad.

Regardless, I have now learned a valuable lesson. First, you can't count on getting a good salad when you want one in this town. Second, this whole ordeal was much more dramatic last night than it appears in this post. Luckily for you, I have a good video clip for you...

Special Blog Bonus: Here's Eddie Izzard's "Death By Tray" bit in LEGO:

Monday, May 12, 2008

Call Me When He Turns 720

In honor of Tony Hawk's 40th birthday, I did a switch-footed 720 hyper-reverse aerial ollie kickflip faceplant off of my roof this morning.

Explanation: Yeah, that's right. Tony Hawk is 40 years old today. Oh, and in case you're wondering, the key to this complicated skating maneuver is landing on the soft part of your face. If I can do it, I'm sure you can learn it with only a little practice.

In researching the gibberish used in this post, I found online instructions (by the birthday boy himself) on how to do Ollie Fingerflips and Impossibles, Acid Drops and Bomb Drops, Ollie Norths, No Complys, Half Cabs, Bonelesses, and of course, Bam Bologna.

Special Blog Bonus: From skateboarding to LEGO dinosaurs (I'm sure there's a segue in there somewhere) please take a moment to appreciate the mating rituals of the panacotos:

Friday, May 9, 2008



Explanation: So I went to the doctor yesterday and he took the rest of the tick out and gave me some medication for that but he also looked at my poison ivy and determined that I need to take a steroid to stop my body from reacting to it and I was warned that the steroid might have the effect of making me hyperactive and I'm supposed to warn people so if they see a change in my behavior they can attribute it to that and not to my normal personality because I wouldn't want people thinking that I was weird like that when it was just the medication talking to them so I figured I'd warn everyone who reads my blog in case they encountered such behavior from me which is possible but I don't think it will really happen but I feel it neccessary to warn everyone nonetheless.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to work so I can finish up what I was working on before I went to the doctor yesterday because I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now and when I had some free time today maybe on a coffee break or something I was going to paint the house but its raining out and I don't want to open the windows so maybe I'll just clean the garage out since it'll only take a few minutes in this high energy state I'm in and it's ironic that I'll be doing it on a coffee break because I don't even drink coffee and yet I have more energy right now than coffee could possibly give me so maybe I should call it a steroid break except then people will start to wonder why I've been hitting all these home runs lately and then due to my height they might start suspecting me of taking human growth hormone which I have most certainly not taken and then I'd have to issue one of those Roger Clemens blanket apologies where I don't apologize for anything anyone knows I did but I do apologize for all the bad stuff I did that nobody has found out about me yet because I know that they probably will because my Bosnian former workout partner has sued me for defamation because I proclaimed on my blog that I had come home with a tick that almost certainly came from his new backyard which is quite lovely I must say though I know he has a lot of work planned on it which is a shame because if I was in Poughkeepsie with this level of energy I could help him with it except it's probably raining up there so never mind I'll just find some other way to channel my medication-enhanced boost.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

You Can Take Jeremy out of Poughkeepsie...

You can take me out of Poughkeepsie, but apparently a doctor is necessary to take Poughkeepsie out of me.

Explanation: It was going to be such a simple, wonderful morning. My last thought before going to bed was "It's always nice to be able to set your alarm for two hours later than it was previously set." That was going to be today's status message. I had to get up at 4:45 AM to get to Poughkeepsie on time on Tuesday. I didn't even know there was a 4:45 in the morning, and when I actually woke up (before my alarm went off, scarily enough) I don't think I appreciated 4:45 in the morning as much as I should have.

I also got a FREE HAT in Poughkeepsie, which made me a little upset I ran that status message a few weeks ago. I don't get free hats at work every day, you know.

Anyway, as I was saying, life was wonderful and it was good to be home. After I got out of the shower this morning, however, I noticed that life was also wonderful for an eight-legged friend who was buried up to his neck in... well... me. Dee-frickin-lightful. Nothing says "welcome back to reality" like discovering that you brought a tick home with you from the Lyme Disease capital of the universe. I'll spare you the remainder of the details, but I think I'm going to survive, and I'll feel much better after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I was told the drive-in was BYOB so I brought my own Bosnian.

Explanation: I went to the Hyde Park Drive-in last night! Yes, they still exist. Interestingly, in the six years I lived up here, I never went there, but now that I've moved away, I can go. Not sure how that works.

There are apparently several keys to the modern drive-in movie. First, you need folding chairs and a boom box. I also learned that you need a towel to cover your boom box to protect it from condensation. You need food for the pre-movie tailgate, and since they do not sell Bosnians there, you have to bring your own. My Bosnian came with half a watermelon, so that was a perk also.

In case you're wondering, we saw Iron Man and it was much better than I thought it would be. Quite funny in parts.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Relish This!

Heinz can keep trying, but relish is NOT a squeezable condiment.

Explanation: The other day I made a hot dog and wanted some relish on it. All we had was one of those Heinz squeezable relish bottles, which I got on sale last time I needed relish. So, I invert the bottle over the hot dog and squeeze. What comes out? Pickle juice. Lots and lots of pickle juice. Now I have a hot dog with nothing on it in a bun saturated in pickle juice. Just great.

It comes down to the fact that relish - a condiment consisting of small, but solid pickle pieces is NOT squeezable. Ketchup is squeezable. Mustard is squeezable. Even mayonnaise is squeezable. Relish is not squeezable. Heck, it barely works in those little packets you get at the ballpark. I don't know why the powers that be insist that it is squeezable.

Special Blog Bonus: If you are into pickle juice and you don't have a "squeezable" bottle around, try one of these instead.

Monday, May 5, 2008


April wheezing brings May sneezing.

Explanation: OK, first of all, we didn't have any showers in April, unless you count the pollen which was falling from the sky. Then, in May, MORE POLLEN! Sure, we have flowers, but you can't see them under all the pollen. Heck, look at my car:

Thursday, May 1, 2008

My Left Foot

Worried about the apocolypse? Look no farther than my left foot.

Explanation: My left foot is a magnet for disaster. When I was a young child, I first learned this when my mother accidentally dropped a soup can onto the fourth toe on my left foot. At the time, I naively believed it to be a painful coincidence that my foot happened to be where the can landed. Now I know better.

I played soccer until I was in high school, and at some point I noticed that the big toe on my left foot didn't bend. Well, it can bend, but it hurts like H-E-double hockey sticks when it does. Oh, and something is wrong with the fifth toe, too. It's straight, but it's rotated just the slightest bit so that the nail and knuckles are on the edge of my foot instead of the top. It's not gross looking or anything, but it just ain't quite right. Fine. I can live with this stuff. Nobody would ever notice unless I mentioned it on my blog or something.

Then there was the incident back in 2001 when I was playing on a friend's sand volleyball court and due to an unfortunate incident (which I will spare you) I managed to pretty much rip my big toenail off. That hurt. In fact, not only did it hurt, but the nail never healed. It's fallen off several times, I've had it surgically removed, my wife accidentally ripped it off during an intense game of Cranium (wish I made that one up), I've taken very expensive drugs for it - nothing has helped. I just have an ugly toenail. Fine. I can live with that. People do notice it, but after several years of being conscious of it, I've given up caring.

My fourth toe (the one that started this whole mess) has a black and blue toenail if I'm playing volleyball. Period. I stopped for about two years and the nail healed. I started again and the nail was black in only a week or so. I have changed volleyball sneakers numerous times. Nothing helps. It just looks crappy. Fine. I can live with that. People would notice the big toe first, anyway. (sigh)

My new volleyball sneakers this season gave me blisters. On my right foot, I had a normal blister that turned red, was very irritable, and then healed up all nice and happy. On my left foot, I got a blood blister, which no longer hurts, but is now a black spot (on my freakin' big toe, of all places) that won't go away for several months. You know what? I can live with it. It looks like crap, but I just deal.

Apparently, after a week of suffering, I now know the part of my body that was exposed to the poison ivy. Any guesses? That's right! MY LEFT FOOT! So now, I have this hideously ugly foot covered in what can only be described as "red plague". It's all over the place. It itches like crazy ONLY when I wear a sock for a long period of time as if my evil foot hates being hidden from the world. I'm trying to deal with it. Last night, I almost sawed the whole thing off, but I'm trying.

Anyway, my point is this. If the apocalypse comes via planet-destroying meteor, it'll land on my left foot. If it comes in the form of plague, it has already gotten a jump start on my left foot. Nuclear war? I know where the first bomb will land. Heck, while out walking the other day, I accidentally stubbed my left big toe on a black cat that crossed my path. It caused me to trip under a ladder, breaking a mirror in the process. This foot is bad news.

Special Blog Bonus: I took a good photograph of what my left foot looks like right now. I fully intended to post it here. Then I realized, if I really want you to enjoy your weekend, I would not post it. Go out. Have fun. Just stay clear of my left foot.



Explanation: No, it's not an emergency, it's May 1st! The unofficial beginning of the unofficial pre-summer beginning. That's worthy of a business holiday in most of Europe! Yes, it's the second coolest pole-oriented holiday*, and the only one that involves pole dancing of any sort!

Special Blog Bonus: Another Far Side for you today, and this time, it's pertinent:

*Nothin' beats Festivus.