"Holiday Figure" Is Coming To Town...

From the archives:

Twas the night before a non-denominational-winter-holiday when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The neutral-gift-sacks were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that a non-specific holiday figure soon would be there. Children of every race, creed and nationality were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-free plums danced in their heads. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter (and to see who was violating the neighborhood sound-level ordinance). When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an emission-free vehicle and eight size-challenged reindeer. "Holiday Figure" was so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be "Holiday Figure". He had a broad but normal face and an advanced-sized belly and he laughed, "Lady of the evening, Lady of the evening, Lady of the evening."

Source: A politically correct Christmas story, as told by Larry the Cable Guy on the Blue Collar Comedy tour.