Happy Birthday to Us!

Our records indicate that your 2005 Accord may be due for service.

Source: These are the first words on the postcard I received from the Burns Honda dealership on Friday. This would not be such a bad thing in itself, except I got the mail out of the mailbox at 8:00pm, shortly after a dead alternator wrecked my night.

Explanation: A dead alternator reared its ugly head on the way home from an errand. Fortunately, I was at a gas station when the car wouldn't start, so the situation certainly could have been worse. A good samaritan helped us jump start the car and we had to get the car jump started and dropped it off at a service station. Now, let's get to the important part...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

Happy second birthday to Jeremy's Status Message. Yes, that's right! Two whole years of statusey goodness. To celebrate, I have created a "Wordle" using every post ever made in this blog:

Note the prominence of the words "LEGO" and "Bacon." I couldn't be more proud. (You can make your own wordles here.)

According to the good people at google, this blog has had 66,734 page loads in its first two years of existence. Special thanks to my mom for 50,000 or so of them. Just kidding, my mom doesn't read the blog that much.*

Anyway, as we blow out our two virtual candles, we give thanks for our loyal readership. Without you, most of this still would have been possible. Happy Birthday to us!!!

*Thanks, Dad!

One Word

Yes, I believe there's an objection from the young woman in the pink?

Explanation: I keep joking to people that my daughter has only one word right now and you don't want to hear it. The word sounds something like this:

AAAA

As you can see, she's clearly my daughter because she chose to start at the very beginning of the alphabet. I'm very proud of her for this, but I do constantly encourage her to explore the other vowel sounds. Anyway, the word means "I object!" She is like a disgruntled lawyer in this way, I think.

Furthermore, she can vary the length of her word to change the meaning. Here are a few examples:

AAAA... AAAA... AAAA...
"Excuse me? Yeah, you over there - I no longer wish to sleep in this cold flat contraption you call a bassinet. Come forth and present yourself as my new sleeping surface."

AAAA... AAAAAAAAA... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"I object! No, I strenuously object! I'm out of order??? This whole freakin' system is out of order!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"Daddy, it's midnight, you have changed me, shushed me, swaddled me, burped me, rocked me, given me a pacifier, and broken down crying for my own amusement, but the issue I currently face is hunger, which can only be resolved by my sleep-deprived mother, who fed me a mere hour ago and happens to have just fallen asleep, leaving you in charge."

As you can see, my daughter is quite gifted.

I'm Baaaaack

So, which sounds better? "Air poopies" or "tushie burps?"

Before we go on, we at Jeremy's Status Message would like to apologize for the interruption in service over the past two weeks. As a thanks to you, our loyal readers, we will no longer be posting about pregnancy. Nine months is long enough! This blog will now return to the standards of high taste to which you have become accustomed.

Explanation: So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I am now a dad. I have a beautiful baby girl and took the last two weeks or so to spend time with my family. Life is good.

As a new dad, however, it's important that I have a cute way of saying that my daughter has expelled noxious gasses from her hindquarters. It cuts some of the tension in the room when you refer to those occurrences as air poopies or tushie burps. Maybe I should just call them toots. Farts? Breaking wind? Cutting the cheese? Letting one rip? Flatulence? Pooting? Tummy bubbles? Busting a fluffy? Barking spiders? Stepping on a frog? Floating an air biscuit? Tuning a tuba? I have no idea. I need suggestions.

Help!

Time is Money

Were those five minutes of my time really worth the 20 cents?

Explanation: Last night I got a text message. It wasn't from someone I knew - it was some MP3 service sending me spam of some sort. I've never seen a text like that before. The details don't really matter. The important fact is that I have text messaging blocked on my phone... or at least I thought I did.

This is the kind of thing that really drives me nuts. I'm supposed to have text messages blocked. I clearly don't anymore. There's no way I'm going to let Verizon charge me 20 cents for a text message that I shouldn't have received in the first place. No way. Plus, this message might be the tip of the iceberg. I had to nip it in the bud, so I gave Verizon a call.

After five minutes on the phone with Verizon, we established that my block had been removed for some reason. The block has now been re-applied to my account. They were unsure if the 20 cents would be refunded to me automatically, so I have to check my next bill and let them know if the charge is still there (more time and effort) to make sure I'm not paying for a text message I didn't want in the first place.

From a sheer economic standpoint, this drives me insane. My time is money. Now, how much money one's time is worth is a different debate, but I like to base decisions on an amount that I think I could easily earn in an hour's time. The New Jersey minimum wage is currently $7.15, so that's a safe place to start. I like to think I bring a bit more to the table, so I generally assume $10 an hour. Certainly I could make more than that if I was working harder, but I feel like that's a wage I could pull in without really exerting myself too much.

Once you have a dollar value, decisions are easier. Do I pay the neighborhood guy $30 each time he mows my lawn? Well, I can mow my entire lawn in about an hour, so I can consider that as $10 worth of time. Is it worth paying $30 to preserve $10 worth of time? No way. I'll mow my own lawn.

Now, obviously some experiences have some intrinsic value (or lack thereof) that you have to include as well. Would I spend $30 for the neighborhood guy to spend an hour removing the poison ivy from my backyard? Sure I would. My time is worth $10, and not spending an hour handling poison ivy is worth much more than $20 to me.*

On the other side of the coin, I wouldn't pay the guy $5 to wash my car for an hour on a hot summer afternoon. Sure, my time is worth $10, but spending an hour in the cold mist of the hose is worth way more than the $5 I'd save by letting him do it.

Now, let's consider my phone call. I spent 5 minutes of my time in an effort to save 20 cents. That's an hourly savings of $2.40. My time is worth about $10 an hour. You do the math. Even worse is the fact that A) you just know they're going to screw up my bill anyway, so I have to keep an eye on it and B) when they do screw it up I'm going to have to spend ANOTHER 5 minutes on the phone with them. That takes me up to about 15 minutes of total effort, taking the hourly savings down to 80 cents an hour.

So, in short, I hate Verizon. And now I have the math to prove it!

*Plus, I have to add value for the pleasure of knowing that guy is going to be itching for the next two weeks. That'll teach him to up his rates!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

"Why did you eat your baby?"

Explanation: On Tuesday morning a Pre-K teacher at Sarah's school called the school at the last minute and said she had a medical emergency. As the Pre-K aide had already taken a sick day, there was just a single substitute for the classroom. Since my wife's long term sub has already taken over third grade teaching duties, Sarah volunteered to cover the class. Keep in mind that Sarah is due on Saturday and looks the part.

As Sarah stood before the class for the first time, all eyes were on her belly. Then the questions started. I am not making this up. Kudos to Sarah for handling this gracefully.

Child 1: "Is she fat?"

Child 2: "No, she's having a baby."

Sarah: "That's right. I have a baby in my belly right now."

Child 1: "Can we see it?"

Sarah: "No, you can't see the baby. It's in my belly."

Child 3: "Are you having a boy?"

Sarah: "No, I'm having a little girl."

Child 3: "Why aren't you having a boy?"

Sarah: "You don't get to choose. You just get what you get."

Child 1: "Why did you eat your baby?"

Sarah: "No, I didn't eat my baby. She started growing inside me."

Child 4: "How did the baby get there?"

At this point I'm pretty sure Sarah played one of her magical teacher games where she avoided the question and distracted the student at the same time. After many years she is quite skillful at this. It's kind of like a Jedi mind trick.

Child 4: "How will the baby get out? Does your belly open like the engine of a car?"

Sarah: (Again, skillfully:) "No, my belly does not open. She'll find her way out."

Child 1: "Can we see the baby?"

Sarah: "No, it's inside my belly. You can't see it."

Child 3: "How do you hold it there? Can we see?"

Sarah: "No, the baby is inside my belly. There's skin over it. You can't see it."

Child 1 then tried (unsuccessfully) to lift Sarah's dress to find the baby. Needless to say, when she returned to her classroom that afternoon, her third graders seemed a lot more grown up.

Economics are Amusing

I know the economy is in the toilet, but the news was still really funny last night.

Explanation: I don't quite remember the exact words of the interview, but this is pretty much what I heard last night:

Interviewer: Thank you for joining me this evening, Mr. President. We know you have a limited time to speak with us, but we'd like to hear your thoughts on how your economic stimulus package is being viewed by Congress.

President: It's always a pleasure to talk to you, Mike, and I'm more than happy to discuss my package with you. Since the day I entered this office, there have been rumblings that I could not pass my package through the hallowed halls of Congress unscathed, but I feel my package is strong, robust, and can provide for all working-class Americans.

Interviewer: The House Republicans were quick to point out what they described as several shortcomings in this package. While Speaker Pelosi was quick to defend your package, this does not bode well for your package as it falls into the hands of the Senate.

President: Well, I'll be honest with you, Mike - It's always difficult to get something this big approved quickly, but I have every confidence that once the Senate gets some time to take in and appreciate the full scope of my package, they will agree with Speaker Pelosi that it is fully capable of providing just the stimulus America needs. Before you know it, I'm sure I'll be back in the Oval Office with my package before me on my desk, ready to set it into action.

Interviewer: Thank you, Mr. President. We appreciate you taking the time to be with us today.

Happy Hedgehog Day!

I don't quite understand how a groundhog seeing its shadow in Pennsylvania can mean that my wife has to be pregnant for 6 more weeks.

Explanation: Yesterday was Groundhog Day, and the groundhog saw its shadow, which somehow means that my wife will be pregnant forever. I don't quite understand it, but the people of Pennsylvania wouldn't steer me wrong. It's a national holiday, so I'm sure they have to be trusted.

Has anyone ever stopped to wonder how on earth this of all days managed to find itself on the calendar? Seriously? And what's so special about the groundhog? There's no Woodchuck Day, Badger Day, or Lemur Day.

Special Blog Bonus: Dilbert mocks stupid holidays here. Enjoy.

Biggest Hyperbole Ever!!!

Best Super Bowl EVER! (Super Bowl's I-XLII not included)

Explanation: As you most likely know, last night's Super Bowl XLIII turned out to be a very good game with a very exciting finish. Of course, if you were rooting for the Cardinals like I was, you were a little bummed out, but you'll get over it.

This morning on Sportscenter, the game was hailed as (perhaps) one of the greatest Super Bowls ever! The final touchdown catch by Santonio Holmes was listed on their top Super Bowl plays of all time as number one. Yes, the number one play of all time, beating out Lynn Swann's spectacular sideline grab, beating out Adam Vinatieri's last second field goal, beating out the Rams' tackle of Kevin Dyson on the one-yard line, and, of course, beating the Helmet Catch (capital H, capital C) from last year, which came in at number two.

Now, I know it's the job of the sports media to hype the heck out of any current events and present them with enough hyperbole to sucker the general public into thinking they need to be involved in something as historically significant as what the network is showing, but come on! Last year's game was SO much better than this. LAST YEAR! Do they think the general public is that stupid? It was last year! An undefeated team was dethroned by an underdog at the very end of the game after one of the most spectacular and highly improbable plays anyone has ever seen. And it was last year!

Jeez. We're not that dumb. Frankly, I think it might have been a better move to publicize it as the first Super Bowl during the Obama administration. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm going to go buy an Obama Bowl I commemorative plate while supplies last...

Laboring Over Grammar

We're. They'll. I'd. O'clock. Should've. Doesn't. He's. You're. Ma'am. 'Twas. Ne'er-do-well...

Explanation: I'm practicing for contractions. According to the childbirth video we saw, the contractions start out small and slowly build up over the course of labor. In the beginning, the contractions are spaced out and you barely notice them:

'Tis but a minor discomfort. The last one 'twas five minutes ago. Please, there's no need to for the formality, you don't have to call me "ma'am."

Then they build up for the second stage of labor:

It's quite painful! I've had 'em since 4 o'clock! I'd like to see what you'd do in my place - you wouldn't last a minute. I should've gotten an epidural!

At the final stage of labor, they are the most intense and almost continuous:

M'ke th' p'n st'p! Why'd y'u d' th's t' m'??? I n'd m'rph'ne!

This concludes today's lesson on grammar and childbirth. Stay tuned tomorrow as we discuss why women in labor just don't appreciate puns.

The Game of Garb

I enjoyed a rousing game of Garb last night.

Explanation: Last night, Sarah wanted to play a game. Other than Monopoly, I had no objection, so I left it up to her. She suggested we play Garb. We've played all sorts of games, but I had never heard of Garb. I said, "what's Garb?" She said "GARB!" I asked a few more times, but didn't get an answer. Eventually, she took out the cards and started shuffling. Apparently, it was a card game of some sort. I took the opportunity to ask again. "What's Garb?" At this point, she thought I was toying with her, because I kept asking, and clearly it was obvious what Garb was. Well, to her. I still had no clue. Maybe it was a word she picked up from Word Twist? I asked several more times and she busted out laughing, thinking I was just being silly. Finally, she explained it.

Turns out she wanted to play cards. She just has a cold.

A Real Snow Day!

Oh the weather outside is gorgeous, but we're stuck in here in chorus... Wait, let me start over.

Explanation: I'd just like to take a moment to thank all of my friends who took chorus in high school for forever ruining the song Let it Snow for me.

It's a snow day! An honest to goodness real snow day! Do you know how exciting this is? Do you know what this means? Well I'll tell you!

It means I have to answer the phone at 5:45 in the morning when the school calls. Then I tell my wife she can sleep in and then lay awake for the next half hour, unable to fall asleep, knowing full well my sleep won't amount to much since I still have to get up for work in a few minutes. That's what it means!

Even worse, since she has the day off, I told her she gets to shovel today. She's totally willing to help out, but apparently I have to carry the baby for her while she does that.* I just can't catch a break today.

*Anyone know where I can get a good rate on a womb rental for the day?

A Day Off is a Day Off, I Guess

I am still a little confused by my wife's "snow day" yesterday.

Explanation: Yesterday started like any other Monday in our household. Sarah went off to school at her normal time and I started work at my normal time. The day was just churning along until around 11:00am when I looked out the window and saw Sarah's car heading toward our house.

She's a teacher. She doesn't just come home at random hours during the day. And she's nine months pregnant. My heart stopped. I sprinted down the stairs to meet her in the garage, figuring out (quite impressively, if I do say so myself) exactly what I needed to pack for the hospital along the way. When I opened the door to the garage, she complimented me on my reaction time, but said that there were electrical and fire alarm issues at her school and they had to close early. No baby, just technical difficulties. Lucky duck - she got a snow day yesterday without the snow.

This morning there IS snow on the ground and she headed off to work anyway. Seems to me THIS is the kind of day where she should be home early. Oh well - at least I know what I'm packing for the hospital now.

We Have a Name!

It's official! We finally have a name!

Explanation: After nine months of book reading, deep ponderance, strenuous debate, hemming and hawing, intense cogitation, focused meditation, spirited conversation, and my personal favorite "Hm" sound which means "There's no way on God's green earth that we're going to choose that name," we have finally decided on a name! That's right! Our little girl isn't due to enter this world for another two weeks our hardest decision as expectant parents is over with. All of this stress is finally over - Sarah can now just kick back and enjoy the rest of her pregnancy with all of her problems washed away. And now for the formal announcement:

I am going to go by "Dad".

Thank you for all of your support in helping us make this difficult decision.

TOO MUCH WORD TWIST (HIT DOCTOR SMUT WOW)

STOP. POT. POTS. TOP. TOPS. SPOT...

Explanation: Last night, as I headed out of my neighborhood, I saw the stop sign at the intersection with the main road. My mind saw it and immediately started churning out the words you can create with those letters. This would be an indication that I have been playing way too much Word Twist on Facebook. Just for the record, the following words can be created from the letters in STOP (3 letters or greater):

TOPS
STOP
SPOT
POTS
POST
OPTS
TOP
SOT
SOP
POT
OPT
OPS

Special Blog Challenge: The letters in STOP can be used to create 12 different words of 3 letters or more. Can you find a four letter word which will create more than 12 words?*

*I should note that I don't actually have an answer to this question.

Frontrunning 101

I think I'll start caring about college basketball now.

Explanation: Last night at approximately 8:37pm, I got a phone call from my father. He asked if I knew anything about college basketball this year. From what I've gathered on ESPN recently, I told him that I only knew one thing: Wake Forest is number one. He told me that was correct and that Virginia Tech was playing them and beating them on ESPN2. So, at that very moment, I decided to care about college basketball this season. Tech went on to win the game. So now that I care, let me say this:

GO HOKIES! WOO-HOO!!! WE ROCK! TAKE THAT WAKE!!! YOU CAN'T ROLL WITH US!! I'VE BEEN A BELIEVER FROM DAY ONE, BABY! THEY CAN'T HANDLE US! YEAH! AND ON THEIR COURT, TOO! UNDEFEATED? MORE LIKE OVERRATED! BOO-YAH! HOKIES RULE! WE BEAT #1, WE SHOULD BE #1! I LOVE COLLEGE BASKETBALL!!!

Stay tuned tomorrow as I try to explain that I've been an Arizona Cardinals fan for years.

Best Thing on TV

Did anyone catch that awesome rerun of Home Improvement at noon yesterday?

Explanation: I needed something interesting to watch at lunchtime, so I flipped immediately to TBS, where they run old episodes of Home Improvement. It was hysterical! In the beginning, Tim and Al are filming a scene for the show and Tim goes a step too far in modifying a tool. Al tries to warn him, but Tim just brushes him off and demonstrates his modification. Hilarity ensues.

Then, Tim does something that upsets Jill. He's all frustrated because he doesn't understand why she's so angry at him, but then he talks to his neighbor, Wilson, who explains the situation by using an elaborate metaphor involving the wacky thing he happened to be doing in his backyard at the time. Oh, and you never see Wilson's face! Just his eyes and his hat! Man, that's good stuff.

Anyway, Tim then reconciles with Jill, referencing (and mismangling) what Wilson said, but still figuring out enough of what he did wrong to allow him back in her good graces. Oh, and I think the youngest kid might be gay.

Word Twist

Excuse me while I diktat a message to my peepbo.

Explanation: So, I am now addicted to a game on Facebook called Word Twist. Word Twist gives you six or seven letters and you have to make as many words as possible out of those letters in a given amount of time. You play against other players, getting points as follows:

3 letter word: 1 point
4 letter word: 2 points
5 letter word: 4 points
6 letter word: 6 points
7 letter word: 9 points

So, the larger the word, the more beneficial it is to your score. But that's not all. There is also a 25 point bonus if you find the longest possible word from the given letters. So, if you have six letters, you actually get 31 points per six letter word. Furthermore, each six letter puzzle forms at least one six-letter word. Same goes for the seven letter puzzles and seven letter words.

Because of this 25-point bonus, the big word is clearly the most important word to your score, because in many cases it's worth more than all of the other words combined. It is essential to figure out the big word in order to win... which takes me to my complaint.

The other day, I got the following letters: PPEBEO. The game tells you there are 6 three letter words (which I got) and 3 four letter words (which I got) along with the one six letter word. With two minutes total, I found all nine of the small words in 1:08, leaving me 52 seconds to find the big word. After floundering for the first 30 seconds, I spent the final 20 or so seconds randomly trying letter combinations, thinking it might be some obscure word I didn't know. Sure enough, when time ran out, I was presented with "PEEPBO" as the word I missed.

This led to a moment of puzzlement, followed by quite an obscenity-riddled tirade before I finally decided to utilize the post-game recap feature where you can click on words to see their definitions. For instance, say you missed FILO, you could look at their definition and see that it means "first in, last out" - a useful feature in a game where their dictionary makes all the difference. I looked up PEEPBO to find out that it means "no definition found." Very useful to know, in case I ever come across the word in the future. In fact, after scouring the internet, the best I could find was that it might be some sort of derivative of "peek-a-boo." Luckily, my opponent did not get the word either, so it didn't influence the final score of the game.

Last night, my wife destroyed me in a game because she guessed "DIKTAT" and I did not. Interestingly, after looking up the definition, it also appears to be a synonym of PEEPBO, meaning "no definition found." Also useful to know.

Anyway, I'm done with their definitions of words. I'm just making my own up from now on.

Diktation complete. Please send this message to my peepbo and copy me on it. Thanks.

Little Feet -> Little Socks

Man, those are some little socks.

Explanation: In more preparation for the arrival of our newest family member, Sarah washed a load of hand-me-down baby clothes. If I put five pairs of my blue jeans through the wash, they A) completely fill the washer, B) cause it to shake violently during any agitation cycles, and C) take approximately 2 hours to dry in the dryer. So, I wash four pairs of my jeans at a time. That's all. By contrast, the load of baby clothes consisted of approximately 73 outfits, complete with approximately 146 little tiny socks.

On the bright side, my wash loads are much easier to fold and put away.

In related news, I defeated the car seat this weekend, installing the base in the back of my car just in case. Go me!

Dr. Mutantstein, I Presume?

My eye doctor might be a mutant.

Explanation: I had an appointment with my eye doctor yesterday. I should first say that since I moved to New Jersey, I've only seen her once or twice. As I have a history of "never getting around to" making appointments, I finally was smart this past summer and scheduled one for the fall.

They day of my appointment, unfortunately, I had been selected for jury duty, so I had to reschedule it. The rescheduled appointment had to be rescheduled again because I was selected to be on the jury and that conflicted as well. The court case ran extra long, so I had to reschedule the appointment again. Then, the day before my appointment, I had a medical emergency and decided to cancel it and postpone it indefinitely. This was in October. I finally got back there yesterday. I was absolutely certain Sarah would have the baby yesterday just because I would have to reschedule again. No such luck. Anyway, I last saw my doctor in 2006, so I barely remember what she looks like.

I arrived at my appointment on time. That doesn't seem to matter with modern medicine, as I had to re-submit my paperwork (which has not changed one iota since 2006) and then wait for 20 minutes to be called. The nice nurse lady checked my eyes with contacts and then realized she had mistaken me as a patient of another doctor, so I went back to the waiting room for 10 minutes. Then I was called back, where the same nice nurse lady had me take my contacts out and measured my eyesight again. I could have saved her the trouble - I can't see a thing without my lenses in. She then left me in the exam room to wait for the doctor.

TWENTY minutes later, the doctor walked in. I just have to say that twenty minutes of sitting in an exam room is quite boring. Every doctor seems to have this second-tier of waiting these days. Sitting twenty minutes without being able to see anything is excruciating. Mental note: next time bring my glasses... and an iPod.

The doctor finally came in and was quite pleasant. She checked my vision and talked to me about my eye health and concerns and whatnot. It was actually pleasant enough to make me forget about the 20 minute wait. She then sent me off to the contact room to put my lenses back on so I could be on my way.

Last night, I saw somebody at volleyball who I thought looked quite a bit like my doctor, except for one minor detail: I realized that I had never actually SEEN my doctor because my lenses were out the whole time.

My doctor could literally be a mutant with three eyes, two noses, and a giant arm sticking out of her head and I wouldn't know. She may have even been some sort of ninja turtle - I was blind. What would I know?

"Good afternoon. I'm Dr. Raphael. You may feel a slight poking sensation..."

So there you have it, kids. If you have some sort of horrible deformity that you don't want anyone to ever see, become an eye doctor. Just don't make me wait in that damn room for 20 minutes, OK?

Vaguely Familiar

This white stuff falling from the sky looks vaguely familiar...

Explanation: It is snowing here. Finally. The last four or five times a "wintry mix" has been in our forecast, I've endured a rainy day while listening to my family (who live a mere 40 miles away) talk about the inches and inches of snow they had. It's 40 miles. How much of a difference can 40 miles make?

And don't even get me started on the great white north that is Poughkeepsie. I think they've been under four feet of snow since November.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of snow, this is a great time to point you toward one of the best LEGO creations I've seen in a long time. I present to you, the 5x10 foot Hoth base diorama, LEGO style, complete with little LEGO foot prints in the snow:


It's cold out, but it's not quite "crawl inside the dead carcass of a tauntaun" cold. You can find more photos in this photo stream.

Margin of Error

I weigh approximately 195 pounds, with a 29 pound margin of error.

Explanation: Sarah had an ultrasound yesterday evening to get an idea of the baby's size. They estimate that our little girl is currently 6 pounds, 13 ounces, or 6.8125 pounds. As a dad-to-be, this makes me quite happy as she is somewhere in the 75th to 90th percentile in size - healthy, but not huge. Their estimate, however comes with a 1 pound margin of error. Hence, her weight could be off by 15% in either direction.

As this margin of error seems perfectly reasonable for an unborn infant, I was thinking it could be even more useful for adults. For example, I have happily broadcasted my weight to the world this morning and yet really all I have given is a 58 pound range in which my actual weight resides.

Special Note: Last night I ate 7 Buffalo wings for dinner, plus or minus one wing.

Commuting?

Oddly, I'm working from home and yet my commute was much longer than usual this morning.

Explanation: To make our afternoon scheduling easier, I drove my wife to work this morning. I understand that most people do this sort of thing every day, but I am not most people. Furthermore, if I do have to leave the house first thing in the morning, I would prefer that it wasn't during the coldest spell we've had all winter. Anyway, I am now back at home, but a bit more cold and confused than normal.

Special Blog Bonus: Ever wonder how to make a Penrose Triangle out of LEGOs? Here are the simple instructions:



If you still have difficulty, you might want to consider this model for help:

Thank You, Cruel Doctor

I find it rather cruel that an office for gastroenterology and digestive disorders has the Food Network on in its waiting room.

Explanation: I have had the misfortune of having to visit a GI doctor several times over the past few months. The first time I went, I found it rather odd that they had the Food Network on in the waiting room. The second time, I realized it wasn't a coincidence. It's always on in there and I always walk out hungry. Seems kind of cruel for a place that specializes in digestive disorders, doesn't it?

It's Volleyball Season!

One volleyball match down, zero new injures. So far, so good.

Explanation: I played my first volleyball match of the season last night. This is not exactly a high-flying just-try-not-to-get-hit-in-the-face league I'm playing in. Nope, this is my lazy Thursday night league, where until this season, I've always been the youngest player on my team. This season that changed a bit, as one player's son is now on the team, which helps because I don't feel all that young right now. In my mind, my volleyball game still looks something like this, where my actual game looks a little more like this. At one point last night I went up in the air to play a ball and the ground came back about half a second faster than I expected it to. One might say this is due to deterioration of my vertical leap, but instead I like to think that gravity is already in midseason form while I'm just getting started. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Most importantly, I walked away from last night with out major injury. Major soreness? Yes. Major injury? No.

Mmmm... Potatoey Goodness

Knothing is knicer than knoshing on a knish on a knasty day.

Explanation: I don't know, I just like to knosh on a knice knish when it's rainy and knasty outside. Knothing raises my spirits like that warm potatoey goodness.

I'm also looking pforward to the Pfabulous Baker Boys tomorrow, pfor my pfavorite Pfriday pastime is to watch movies pfeaturing Michelle Pheiffer.

Special Blog Bonus: In other news, I'm not sure if you missed it, but Apple introduced a new laptop:

Stay Off the Juice, Kids

Remember kids, steroids are bad for you.

Explanation: Just a friendly public service message from all of us at Jeremy's Status Message to you in this new year. We know you have a new year's resolution to lose those extra pounds, get in the gym and snap yourself into shape, but steroids are not the answer. Sure, you may have an upper bowel inflammation, an eye injury leading to blurred vision, or a systemic reaction to poison ivy, but this miracle drug isn't as miraculous as you might think. It can do more harm than good. Stay off the juice, kids!

Think you can't get big without steroids? Look at Uncle Walt. He's totally clean (assuming Tastycakes and Diet Coke aren't performance-enhancing drugs) and he can squat six people:


EDITOR'S NOTE: As we are currently covered with a rash due to an allergic reaction to a steroid we are taking, we felt it was a good time to remind you all of the dangers of drug use. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some serious scratching to do.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of spreading like a plague, this animated map of Walmart's growth across America is pretty interesting. And no, it is not a link to a YouTube video.

Rick Astley, Your Fifteen Minutes Are Over

Rick Astley is SO 2008. I'm thinking about Ricky-The-Dragon-Steamboat-Rolling people this year.

Explanation: Rick-Rolling is totally lame. Now that we're in 2009, we need to move on and find an alternative. That's all I have to say about that.

Special Blog Bonus: Time for a round-up of some of the awesome links I stumbled upon while on my holiday vacation. Enjoy!

• In this YouTube clip, some not-so-bright college students spell out "2009" by using old beer bottles as dominoes. A word of advice to the guy leaning against the table: broken glass is sharp.
• I saw a bunch of great new LEGO creations over the break, but this one takes the cake. It took a team of Google employees three years to build this life-sized replica of the Millennium Falcon, but I think it was time well spent. The life-sized Chewbacca is my favorite part.
• In celebration of the Eagles' playoff game against Minnesota, a local Philly station held a Gus Frerotte "headbutt the wall" contest. The video they posted on YouTube is hysterical. I'm doubting the winner even remembers the contest.
• I know there's nothing fancy about the production of this video, but I just like seeing a snow bank fall off roof onto Christmas carolers. It was a "white Christmas" for those poor singers. Take special note of where the giant icicle landed. Ouch!
• You may have seen this one before, but if you haven't you should definitely check out the Robin Williams comedy routine where he acts out the birth of Jesus. His Virgin Mary monologue is hysterical.
• And last but certainly not least, make sure you take a gander at the Nike commercial where Usain Bolt races a duck. I can't say much more about it without giving away the punchline.

Enjoying It While It Lasts

Best. Football. Week. Ever.

Explanation: The best football week ever was comprised of four games, starting last Sunday and ending yesterday:


12/28/08: Philadelphia Eagles 44, Dallas Cowboys 6
An underachieving Eagles team that was 5-5-1 with 5 games left in the season went 3-1 in their next 4 games and had the stars align (Oakland defeated Tampa Bay and Chicago lost) in the last week so that their game against the hated Cowboys and the even more reviled Terrell Owens amounted to a "Win and you're in" scenario. The Eagles delivered, annihilating the loathsome Cowboys. It's always fun watching a Jerry Jones team get destroyed.


12/31/08: Vanderbilt 16, Boston College 14
If you missed the coverage of this game, allow me to sum it up for you:

• Vanderbilt was in their first bowl game in 26 years.
• Matt Ryan, now with the Atlanta Falcons, played at Boston College last year.

There was actually also football played, but you'd have never known from the television coverage. My wife's alma mater started their regular season 5-0, only to finish 6-6. Still, the six wins was enough to get them in a bowl game, where they knocked off the #24 ranked Matt Ryans in an exciting game. There was much joy in our household and we will savor this victory, as Vanderbilt is not scheduled to win another bowl game until 2065.


1/1/09: Virginia Tech 20, Cincinnati 6
A rebuilding Hokies team that I had zero confidence in this year somehow managed to win a four-way tiebreak in the ACC Coastal division with an 8-4 record, beat the aforementioned Matt Ryans in a rematch of last year's ACC Championship, and then won the team's first Orange Bowl by dominating #12 ranked Cincinnati. As Virginia Tech is actually incapable of scoring when in the red zone, the score does not quite reflect how convincing a win it was, but just trust me - I was convinced.


1/3/09: Philadelphia Eagles 26, Minnesota Vikings 14
The same underachieving Eagles team won a playoff wildcard game on the road last night, setting up a rematch with the hated Giants (yeah, Philly fans apparently don't like anyone) next week at the Meadowlands. I will not jinx the team by saying anything further.


A SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL YOU FACEBOOK JUNKIES OUT THERE: As I have recently joined Facebook due to an interesting series of events, I have decided to extend Jeremy's Status Message to Facebook. As you can see, I've been updating my work status on this blog for almost two years, and for several years before that (just trust me on that fact). If you are at all amused by this blog, I am glad and you can stop reading this post now. If you are not, then I don't mind. Your status message is stupid anyway.

Amazing, But True

So, I was watching ESPN explain the NFL playoff scenarios and I discovered that if the Chargers win or tie against the Broncos, the Pittsburgh Steelers lose to the Browns, the Jets win by 21 or more against the Dolphins, the Bills win against the Patriots, and the Texans win against the Colts, I will host a home wildcard game the following weekend.

Explanation: I'm very excited at the possibility of hosting my first playoff game. Sure, I'll have to put both leaves in the dining room table and some furniture is going to have to slide around, but I'm pretty sure I can make it work.

I hope you'll root for me this year. I'm still disappointed about losing out to Denver last season.

Jeremy's Status Message commences its long winter's nap starting today around 5pm. We'll be back with a vengeance in the new year. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy New Year, and have a festive Festivus!

Brisket and Latkes and Presents, Oh My!

Merry Christmahanukkwanzikkah!

Explanation: I celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah with my family yesterday in one combined day of fun. Yes, we ate brisket (Woo-hoo!) and latkes (Woo-hoo!) and opened Christmas presents (Woo-hoo!) in the same day! Furthermore, having spent only $2 on my Christmas tree, I managed to further combine my Christian and Jewish roots.

As an added bonus, I got to be the first person in the family to give LEGOs to my nephew. We put together a dump truck and he has now officially been indoctrinated into the LEGO addiction club. It's always a joy to recruit a new member.

My niece really enjoyed her gift as well. We got her a little broom and a play vacuum. This gift might appear to enforce certain stereotypes, but we were told that she likes to play clean-up at home, so it was a safe gift. Plus, as an empowered little woman, she might smack your shins with her new broom if you make fun of her for it.

Sadly, I did not have the aluminum pole up yet for our Festivus celebration. You can only squeeze so many holidays into one day!

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree - I only paid $2 for thee.

Source: Oh Christmas Tree, of course.

Explanation: Continuing on my recent theme* of Christmas carols, today I sing the praises of our Christmas tree. While we were up in the air as to whether or not to buy a tree this year, Sarah and I finally relented to the Christmas spirit** and ventured forth to buy one last night. Last night seemed like a really good idea, seeing as there was only a week until Christmas and the weather for the next few days is supposed to be pretty nasty. So, we hit the road.

Our usual place was already closed for the night, so we flipped a coin and decided to head to Lowe's first and then Home Depot on the way back if Lowe's didn't pan out. Lowe's looked like their tree selection had been struck by a tornado. There were only 6 or so left, and most looked like 6-foot scraggly versions of Charlie Brown's tree. But, I was drawn in by a big sign that said, "Seasonal Clearance: $2.00 each." I can't say no to the chance of getting a tree for $2, so I bounded out of the car to survey the sorry selection.

As I expected, most of the trees looked somehow plagued, but there was one tree that caught my eye. It was a little short, but very full and healthy. And frankly, we don't need a giant tree this year, so I went in and paid for it.

I don't care if it has a "bad side" or isn't quite perfect. Our Christmas tree cost us $2.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a cheap tree!

*"Theme" is a registere trademark of Jeremy's Sametime Status and Miracle Posting, Inc.
**"Christmas spirit" is a registered trademark of the Holy Ghost and Holy Trinity Enterprises, Unlimited.

I Want My Pudding!

NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING!

Source: From We Wish You a Merry Christmas, this may be the Christmas carol line that could most appropriately be ended with "Damn it!"

Explanation: No explanation. We've just been waiting here for our figgy pudding since last Christmas, yet nobody brought it. It isn't like we commanded it or anything... oh wait - we did: "Bring us some figgy pudding! NOW bring us some figgy pudding. NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING!" We sang it to you over and over again. How did you not get the message? Well, this year we don't care if you don't know what's in figgy pudding. We don't care if you don't know how to make it. Bring us some! WE WANT OUR DAMN FIGGY PUDDING!!! You've got one week until Christmas, and if we don't get our pudding, we're gonna send eight tiny reindeer over to your place to shove your stocking where the Christmas lights don't shine.

EDITOR'S NOTE: You'll have to forgive me. I went to Toys 'R' Us last night and I am now officially in the holiday spirit. Maybe tonight I'll swing by Best Buy and Walmart and complete the trifecta of holiday craziness.

Carol of the Idiot Clerk

Hark we're at Sears,
Christmas is near,
It's Monday night,
Clerk's not too bright.

We'd like to buy,
From your supply,
Chair's not displayed,
Can you please aid?

She goes online,
Boggles my mind,
We tried before,
But she ignores.

She has no clue,
What she should do?
I'm getting mean:
NOT A TOUCH SCREEN!

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.
Gift cards to spend,
Night never ends,
It just goes on, She's a moron.
MOR-ON. MOR-ON. MOR-ON.

Source: Carol of the Bells

Explanation: So, I've sat on this for a while, thinking I'd cool off a bit, and yet it still irks me. Here's the tale in it's entirety:

Sarah and I have a lot of money in gift cards for Sears. This came about because my credit card rewards program hsa slowly been reducing the number of retailers for which they offer the optimal points-to-card-value ratio. I thought it would be smart to accumulate a lot of points at Sears and then use it toward a new household appliance. So, I started accumulating.

Anyway, after a failed attempt at capitalizing on the Black Friday spectacular sales (which included, among other things, a computer issue resulting in an inability for Sears to accept gift cards), we decided to scrap the appliance idea and use the points for other things we need. Well, Sarah found a glider (rocking chair) for the baby's room that she really liked and it turned out Sears carried the same chair. In her quick survey of the web site, she did not see a way to pay with gift cards, however, so we decided it would be easiest to just go to the store. We were planning on picking it up there anyway, so the trip wasn't really anything extra. Plus, the sales associates should know the process better than us.

We went there on a Monday evening, right after the Thanksgiving weekend. The store was empty of customers, but full of customer service folks. We first asked a gentleman at the central customer service desk about buying the glider, but he told us to go upstairs to the department that was selling it. So up we went.

Upstairs, the nearest clerk was a young lady who was working at a Land's End counter next to the baby stuff. We explained that the glider was not on the showroom floor, but their web site indicated that they did have it in stock at the store. We also explained that we wanted to pay for the item with gift cards. She immediately took some initiative and hopped on the computer nearest her counter.

After about a minute and a half of confused web-browsing, she ascertained that she was on a Land's End computer and she needed to be on a Sears computer. While I clearly saw four tabs on the top of the web page, one for Land's End, and one for Sears, I figured she knew what she was talking about and followed her halfway across the store.

When we got to the next computer, it was a "Sears" computer... with the same four tabs across the top. I didn't have the heart to explain to her that both machines were looking at the same web site, but at this point, I lost all faith in her ability to help us. The next ten to four hundred minutes (it seemed like the latter) were spent watching her try to navigate the site. Now, while my wife didn't see how to pay with gift cards, both of us had verified that the item was listed as "in stock" at this store. So, we spent a long time watching this clerk, who was having difficulty with the brand new modern technology that they call the "mouse", try to walk through footsteps we had already taken. At one point, she decided to use the touch screen interface instead, and pushed a button on the screen. One problem - the computer was not a touch screen. As a professional computer scientist, this was perhaps the most excruciating experience of my life.

Eventually, she ascertained that she wasn't going to be able to accomplish anything using the computer and decided to seek out additional help. She was holding the piece of paper on which we had written the item and model number and proclaimed that she was heading down to the merchandise pickup desk to see if they could help. She then went walking off (with our paper) to go downstairs to the desk. Meanwhile, my pregnant wife was in the restroom, so I was stuck waiting at the computer kiosk looking like I just got hit by a freight train of stupidity.

When Sarah returned, we went downstairs to find our helpless clerk with a gentleman from the merchandise pickup area. He was clearly not comfortable with the retail aspects of the operation, but to his credit he quickly determined that she was an idiot and volunteered to help us. He then confiscated the paper from her and took us back upstairs. She got the hint as we all ran away from her and went back to the Land's End desk.

After a few minutes with the merchandise pickup guy trying to use their computer system, he handed us off to an appliance salesperson who was competent and managed to perform the transaction for us. Gift cards taken, glider ready, we shopped for about ten more minutes and then headed back to merchandise pickup to get our glider.

So, after a 15 minute trip turned into an hour and a half, we watched a large man FINALLY wheel out our glider... and realized that it wouldn't fit in our car. He tried for a few minutes to squeeze it in at different angles, but to no avail. So, we used a lifeline, phoned a friend, and went to borrow his truck. As we pulled up to the friend's house, it started to rain. Sometimes it's nice when the weather matches your mood. Anyway, with the borrowed truck, the move was a cinch, and we were totally done with everything in about two and a half hours.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas. Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas. Gift cards to spend, night never ends, it just goes on, she's a moron. MOR-ON. MOR-ON. MOR-ON.

Hospital Packing List

Boiled water: check. Towels: check. Overnight bag: check. Telephone number for buffalo wing delivery place near the hospital: check.

Explanation: So now that the first shower is over and we have quite a bit of baby stuff, it's time to move on to other important details. I know Sarah's due date isn't until February 7, but it's about time that I start preparing for our emergency drive to the hospital. If any of you readers out there have any suggestions, please let me know. This is my list so far:

• Cell number of our doctor
• Change of clothes for Sarah
• Number of buffalo wing delivery place near hospital
• Baby's "coming home" outfit
• 2-4 burping cloths for baby
• 2-4 buffalo wing cloths for father
• Wipes (for father and daughter)
• Salt and Pepa CD featuring delivery music ("Push it")
• Book of baby names for last minute cram session
• Surgical catcher's mitt for doctor
• Volleyball sneakers (hey - you never know)
• 137 Diapers
• Burpie, Boppy, Boopie, and Binkie (I don't know what they are, but I'm told they're very important)
• Camera

I'm Confused, But Clean

We have baby stuff!

Explanation: We had our first baby shower yesterday. That's right, an entire afternoon of showering. I am as clean as I've been in I don't know how long. And on top of that, we have all sorts of baby stuff! I define it as baby stuff, because in many cases, all I'm really sure of is that it's for the baby.

In an effort to take my very pregnant wife off center stage, I agreed to open many of the gifts. This unfortunately led to me opening several packages and saying, "Oh boy! It's a... (reading package...) boppy!" I have no idea what a boppy is. I barely know what a burpcloth is. OK, I have an idea, but I don't really want to think any further than that. Speaking of which, when you call them "burpies" or "poopies" or "peepees", they may sound really cute, but I know they're really disgusting. You're not fooling anyone.

We also now have numerous cute little pink outfits including my little girl's first valentine's outfit, with "Be Mine" written in a heart on the butt. If I catch any little boys reading that, they'd better look out. I have to say that I am very much looking forward to seeing all of her tiny little outfits lined up in her closet.*

And finally, I am now in possession of the cute little outfit which I wore home from the hospital. I have already been warned not to wear it back to the hospital. Frankly, I'm not sure if it'll fit. Embarassingly, I've put on a few extra pounds since then.

*And don't you worry - she already has Hokie gear!

A Friday Challenge!

F to the R to the E to the E to the C to the R to the E-D-I-T...

Source: This is the song for freecreditreport.com that they play at the end of the ESPN College Football podcasts I listened to this season.

Explanation: Some songs are what you might call "sticky" in that once they infiltrate your brain, they do not leave for a long, long time. The group doing the commercials for freecreditreport.com has apparently mastered this art.

The challenge is simple. Listen to this song just once. I dare ya.



I believe this isn't the entire song. The whole thing is at the end of the ESPN College Football podcasts, but I couldn't find it on YouTube. If you want to hear more by this fine group, here are a few more of their commercials:

Is It Friday Yet?

TGIF. What? Oh... Crud.

Explanation: Some weeks I have a very good grip on what day it is, while others I just don't have any idea. This week, following the long weekend, I have been utterly confused. You know it's going to be a long week when on Monday you think it's Friday. And on Tuesday? Felt like Friday. On Wednesday, I finally came a little closer to reality, although the whole day I felt like today would be Friday. And now, here it is! Friday! What? It's not? Oh crap.

Special Mouse Update: Kudos to my new No View No Touch mouse traps! The new trap closest to the mouse buffet (a.k.a. my old snap traps) has captured a mouse! Or, at least that's what it says. Based on my limited understanding of its construction, it has snapped shut and indicates that there is something obstructing it from closing all the way to the "Accidentally Triggered" indication. It says that it's occupied. The one problem with these "Don't See, Don't Touch" traps is that you can't tell what you've caught. It could be a mouse. It could be a giant spider. It could be a pygmy rhinoceros. You just can't tell.

The Mousecapades Continue

The web page I found for a "catapult mouse trap" turned out to be a big letdown.

Explanation: As you probably know by now, I am having an issue with a rodent (or rodents) in my garage. After hearing a scratching in our wall on Monday night, I decided it was time to head out to Target and get some new ammunition. I bought some newfangled twist traps that appear to have a pretty low risk of being dragged off by our supermice.

After making my purchase, I decided to see what the internet had to say about the traps. I googled for "twist mouse trap" and found a VERY interesting looking article entitled "Catapult Mouse Trap Offers New Twist on Old Design". I was quite excited about the prospect of launching mice across my garage into walls, but when I read the article I realized that it should have been called a "Mouse Trap Catapult" and not a "Catapult Mouse Trap". That was quite a letdown.

Of course, that web page prompted me to search the web, where sure enough I did find a mouse catapult.

Special Blog Bonus: Other interesting mouse traps out there include this infrared mouse trap, which seems like a great idea, except for its Achilles heel. Even cooler is Rentokil's RADAR mousetrap, which uses infrared to catch the mouse, carbon dioxide to gas it to death and then sends the owner a text message telling them to dispose of the carcass. Honestly, I'd like a mousetrap that kills the mouse and THEN catapults the carcass into the woods behind my house... but that's just me.

Special Mouse Update: This morning, I found all of the bait missing on my snap traps with one of them triggered but mouseless. None of the new traps caught anything. Without bait in the snap traps, I'm hoping tonight is the night that the new traps prove their worth.

Bowling Season

How exactly did Virginia Tech get into the Orange Bowl?

Explanation: This weekend, Virginia Tech won the ACC Championship game and therefore earned their ticket to the FedEx Orange Bowl on January 1st. And there I was, in front of the television, wondering how on earth this happened.

There have been many a season when I watched every Virginia Tech football game and rooted the team on, knowing that it was their year and with a few lucky breaks they could get to a BCS bowl game. I sat on the edge of my seat, jumped and cheered, got punched repeatedly in the stomach, and sometimes, in the luckiest of years, Tech made it to a big game.

This year, I just didn't have that kind of energy. It's not that I don't like the team, it's that this was a rebuilding year. The team lost way too much talent to actually compete this year. I knew that. I had very low expectations. Except a funny thing kept happening. As much as my team stunk, other teams managed to keep us in the hunt. Going into a big game at Miami, Tech held their fate in their own hands. Win out and get to the big game. They responded as they have all year, losing the game by the slimmest of margins, 16-14, because the offense just couldn't do anything late in the game. Miami was then kind enough to go out and lose the next week, sending the ACC into complete chaos. If Tech won out, they would (at the very worst) win a 4-way tiebreak. And Tech managed to win out, eeking out wins over Duke (14-3) and UVA (17-14). Go tiebreak!

Anyway, as I mentioned, Tech somehow managed to beat Boston College handily in the fourth game the two teams have played in the past 2 years and now they advance to the Orange Bowl to play Cincinnati - the only BCS team I think they have a chance at beating. This stinks. Now I have hope again.

We'll see how I'm doing on January 2nd.

It's Hard Work Being a Future Dad

My crib has two right sides.

Explanation: It's official - when I say "my crib" I no longer mean my house. I mean the crib we now have for our daughter.

We were pleasantly surprised when the store called us to say that our crib had arrived this weekend while a relative with a large vehicle was conveniently in town. The crib came in a very large (but not terribly heavy) box which my wife and I managed to get up our stairs. The "team lift" image on the box does not take her pregnant belly into account. Of course, I think they omitted the pregnant belly for legal reasons. I should emphasize that the crib box was not terribly heavy and that my wife was never in any danger at any time. Actually, scratch that. I'm just going to say that a large Scandinavian strongman was in town and he helped me get the crib up the steps. That'll keep the lawyers off my back.

After setting aside a good chunk of time for assembly, I got cracking. Since the crib was made in Vietnam for a Taiwanese company (run "locally" in Canada) it was extremely well packed. I spent a solid half hour just getting the box and packing out of the way. Little bits of styrofoam were all over the place, thanks to the miracle of static electricity. Luckily, I have the world's greatest vaccuum, which took care of the styrofoam in no time.

Once all the pieces were out, I surveyed my instructions. Step 1: attach the right side of the crib to the back of the crib. The back was easy to find, although it took me some time to figure out which side was the top and which was the inside. Next I grabbed the right side of the crib and loosely connected them.

Step 2: attach the left side of the crib to the back of the crib. At this point, I noticed a problem. My crib came with two right sides. This stunk, as I was all sorts of excited about finishing up the crib on Sunday. I pondered numerous ways in which I could alter the construction to make it work, but the only way I could pull it off was to add three or four dimensions to the blueprints to make the crib Escher-like. I concluded that calling customer service might be a better move. I called them up this morning and we should have the new part within a week.

On the bright side, one of the assembly parts for the crib is called a "rubber bumper." Since we have two and they go on a crib, I believe these technically are "rubber baby bumpers." I always wondered what rubber baby bumpers looked like. Now I know.

Beware of the Amish!

Be warned! The Amish have unleashed their diabolical plan!

Explanation: Ten days ago, my wife received a gift of "Amish Friendship Bread" from a friend. I know it was ten days ago, because the gift wasn't actually bread - it was a ziplocked bag of a disgusting milky white substance along with ten days of instructions on how to make the bread. Frankly, it's my belief that such a disgusting looking gift would only be acceptable from a friend, but that's just my opinion.

Anyway, the Amish Friendship Bread works like this. Most of the days you just work the mixture around in the bag (i.e. keep yourself busy while waiting). On one day in the middle you're supposed to add stuff to the mix - flour and milk and things like that. After ten days, you do two things. First, you create "starter bags" using your mixture and other ingredients and distribute them to several of your friends. Then you use the rest of the mixture to make bread for yourself. It was said in the instructions that only the Amish know how to make an original starter bag, but I would wager that (had I cared) it would have been pretty easy to calculate what exactly goes into a starter, given that only a percentage of the original remains with each passing.

Regardless, the whole process essentially amounts to Amish chain mail, only instead of mail, they use food. Eat one, and pass several on. If you don't pass them on, you have to eat them all, which is incentive to get rid of the extra.

It is my theory that this is all a diabolical plan unleashed by the Amish to destroy the outside world by killing them all with poison-laced bread. Actually, forget the theory - this is fact. I bet not even a single Amish person will refute this post. Not one! They're out to get us, I tell you! Beware!

Not Yet Rated

This status message has not yet been rated.

Explanation: Today's status message may not be suitable for mature adults. Be advised that these status messages often contain strong hexadecimal content and brief binary. Those over 17 may not be admitted without a child.

The Wussification of Jeremy

My garage has made me soft.

Explanation: This morning I had to walk from a heated house to a cold car in 20 degree weather. I used to do this every single day. I'd walk to the car, turn it on, and scrape the frost off of the windshield. It wasn't that big a deal. As long as I was wearing the right clothing, I got a little chilly and then warmed up pretty quickly afterward.

But now I'm soft.

I have a garage. I walk from my house into the garage. I usually gripe about the fact that the garage is 50 degrees while the rest of the house is in the sixties. I get into my frostless car and complain that the seat warmers take a few minutes to take effect. Because the car hasn't cooled down to 20 degrees, it only takes a minute or two to warm up, and yet I still complain about that. And God forbid I have to wear gloves at any point during that process.

Yep. I'm soft.

Deer vs. Schoolbus

I don't mind stopping for the deer, but I hate stopping for the schoolbuses. As a result, I think we should let the deer take our children to school.

Explanation: On my way into work this morning, I got stuck behind one of those schoolbuses that seems to stop every 100 feet to pick up a child. I screamed and cursed at the societal changes that have created children incapable of walking more than ten feet from their front door. Later, I found myself stopping on a back road (with no buses) because a deer was on the side of the road and I was afraid to hit it. No anger, no screaming, just a peaceful moment where I watched the deer scurry into the woods before I continued on my way.

Therefore, I propose that we do away with schoolbuses and let the deer escort our children to school. Sure, it's not the most practical of plans, but it would sure make my commute more peaceful.

It's LEGO Advent!

Today is the first day of LEGO Advent!

Explanation: It's official! Today is the first day of LEGO Advent. This means I can crack open Day 1 of my LEGO Castle Advent Calendar.

For those of you who don't know, LEGO Advent celebrates the 24 days before LEGO Jesus was born with small individually wrapped LEGO toys. In my case, they are LEGO Castle toys, symbolic of the... umm... protective... ummm... OK, fine, so they're just 24 toys to keep me occupied until Christmas. There is no deep spiritual meaning to LEGO Advent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a minifig to assemble.

I Think I Hear Crickets Chirping

If a status message is posted and there's nobody there to read it, is it really a status message?

Explanation: Nobody is in today. My status is half-hearted. You'll have to excuse me. If you're looking for something to occupy your time today, I suggest you ponder the sound of one status message clapping.

Have a happy Turkey Day! I'll be back on Monday.

Anxious Father-To-Be

When your pregnant wife tells you to run downstairs and boil some water, it can be traumatic, even if it's just for making tortellini.

Explanation: I don't quite know why one has to go boil water as soon as a baby delivery is imminent. Perhaps newborns are most comfortable laying in a bed of al dente pasta? Maybe a nice hot cup of tea is a good way to cap off childbirth? Maybe the task is merely a way to get queasy fathers out of the room so the real work can get underway. Regardless, when I hear "go boil some water" I panic. And last night, I panicked. Sure, I knew we were having pasta for dinner, but I'm always on alert.

Don't even start me on the night I had to "go get some towels" out of the clothes dryer.

Once Again, The Answer Is...

Nothing says 20 degree fun like running through a sprinkler at 7:00 in the morning.

Explanation: At this point, you're probably wondering what kind of idiot I am to run through a sprinkler at 7:00 in the morning. Actually, if you know me, you might not be asking that question at all.

Last night, I heard a noise in the house. It sounded like a knocking noise, it was very consistent, and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. After walking around the house a bit and listening, I concluded (uncertainly) that it was coming from the boiler. I felt a bit better having come to a conclusion, but that didn't stop the knocking sound, and I knew the sound wasn't the norm in our house.

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I decided the knocking sound was more like our water system than anything the heating system could generate. Before I fell asleep, I had a small panic attack that I'd wake up to a giant puddle of water somewhere, or worse.

When I woke up, however, I had forgotten the whole ordeal. Our house is always a bit louder in the morning, what with my wife and I getting ready for work and the heating system catching up from a long night of rest. When I came downstairs, though, I noticed two things immediately. First, I saw the front lawn was white. I know it's already been cold this year, but this is the first morning I've actually seen frost. Second, I saw that there was steam coming up from two of the front windows in our house. Naturally, I made no connection between the two.

Knowing it was really cold out, I inspected the windows to see if there was any air leaking from our nice hot house to the cold outside. There was not.

I couldn't let this go. My next theory was that there was a vent from our crawl space under the window (which has a heating duct next to it). So, I ventured outside into the frigid weather to inspect the outside of the house. There I found my answer.

There was a spray of water coming out from somewhere just below the window. It took my mind a few minutes to wrap around how all of the facts were suddenly tied together. We have a spigot on the front of the house with a small hose connection to a splitter, which has two hoses connected to it. Because the spigot is buried behind our bushes, I left the spigot on during the summer and just used the valves on the splitter to turn the hose on and off. It was a great idea for the summer, but not so great in the winter. Last night the water in the connecting hose froze, causing the hose to explode, leaving a wide open spigot to launch water all over the place.

So there I found myself, at 7:00 in the morning, crawling behind icy bushes through a spray of water in 20 degree weather to turn the spigot off. The answer, as always, is "Jeremy, you're an idiot."

Guess I need a new hose now.

Friday Morning Bacon

Early to bacon and early to bacon makes a man bacon, bacon, and bacon.

Explanation: Today my wife has parent teacher conferences. When her school does conferences, they start at 10am and go forever - I expect her home around 7pm. The day is usually exhausting for her, but being seven months pregnant, I think today will be particularly rough. So, as a special treat for her, I satisfied her craving for French toast this morning. And, because I'm an extra special wonderful husband, I also made...

BACON!!!

Aren't I just the best? Anyway, I have enough leftover bacon to have a hot bacon, turkey, and muenster sandwich, which takes me back to my favorite meal in the Virginia Tech cafeteria: the Smokey Gobbler. Of course, the Gobbler was on a crossaint, but it's close enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to sit here and giggle at the possibility of a 6'7" 330 pound offensive lineman (a parent of one of her students) sitting in one of those little third grade chairs as she talks to him. I sat in one the other day and I looked ridiculous. Maybe he'll just stand...

The Joys of Mouse Hunting

I just don't think I have what it takes to be an exterminator.

Explanation: About a month and a half ago, we discovered that we had a mouse in our house. Being the man of the house, I was charged with the responsibility of removing the perpetrator. Since my wife is pregnant and I do actually have a family* to protect from the nasties of rodent disease, I headed out to the store to pick up the latest and greatest in mouse murdering appliances.

I have had a pet mouse**. They're cute little buggers. I really don't want to kill them, so much as remove them from my house. If one does die, I certainly don't want it to suffer any terrible pain before its undoing.

Well, it turns out that killing a mouse isn't as easy as the trap package would like you to believe. Where I thought I was "baiting" the traps, it turns out that I was actually just providing numerous peanut butter offerings to the new master of the house. For several days the mouse was eating and eating. I even found a humane trap on the internet, made from an old soda bottle, which I assembled, much to my wife's amusement. No dice. It was not until I devised a cunning array of four side-by-side snap traps with bait only on the middle traps that I finally managed to catch the little guy. My brief forensic analysis of the scene leads me to believe that a trap actually caught his foot first, and then in the ensuing panic, a second trap fractured his spine and killed him.

In a brief moment of insight, I did not dispose of the extra traps. I just left them out in the garage, all consolidated into a cardboard box lid - a nice little tray of mousie terror. Well, last week I discovered that one of the traps had been triggered (with nothing in it) and realized that another invader was treating my humane trap as a mousie buffet. This being unacceptable, I corked my humane trap and instead provided a new offering of peanut butter, which the invader enjoyed for a night or two.

Well, this morning I discovered something unpleasant. One of the mousetraps was triggered last night, but nothing was in it. Another was still armed. And the third trap? I have no idea where it is. The only explanation I have is that it again got a mousie leg, only this time the mouse wasn't lucky enough to be done in by a second trap. Now there is a mouse dragging a trap somewhere in my garage.

I think I need to get a cat.


*Until February, my family happens to be contained in one convenient package. So what?

**In high school, a friend and I bought a pregnant mouse at the pet store so we could observe the birth process and report on it for class. Several weeks later, with no babies in sight, we learned that there really wasn't much difference between a pregnant female mouse and a really fat male mouse.

Happy Holidays!

It's officially the holiday season. My LEGO Christmas catalog has arrived.

Explanation: OK, so technically, this one is the "Late Holiday 2008" catalog. I have already received the "Holiday 2008" catalog. Still, this one just feels more special.

Of course, noticeably omitted from the catalog are the two items I'm most interested in - the LEGO Medieval Market Village, due out in 2009, and the LEGO Castle Advent Calendar, which is not available in the United States. Luckily, I happen to have obtained a set anyway. Still, I can't wait for the Medieval Market Village to come out. Then, I can finally achieve my dream of owning LEGO cows!

Rochambeauchamro

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock

Source: I got this from The Big Bang Theory last night. When I looked it up, I discovered that it (sadly) was not original material. Somebody had already invented this game.

Explanation: When two people who know each other well play Rock-Paper-Scissors, three quarters of the games between those people end in a tie. To expedite the important decisions being made by such games, an advance was made which added two new symbols: Lizard and Spock. The rules are "simple":

Scissors cuts Paper, as usual.
Paper covers Rock, as usual.
Rock crushes Lizard.
Lizard poisons Spock.
Spock smashes Scissors.
Scissors decapitate Lizard.
Lizard eats Paper.
Paper disproves Spock.
Spock vaporizes Rock.
Rock crushes Scissors, as usual.

Here's a diagram with arrows from the winning symbols to the losing symbols:


I have dubbed this version of the game "Rochambeauchamro", which is much easier to say than "Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock." You can thank me later.

Post v1.0

If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0.

Explanation: If it doesn't succeed again, call it version 2.0. If it fails miserably on a global scale, call it Vista.

Speaking of Failing Miserably: I am attempting to upgrade Norton Internet Security today. If I seem frustrated, irritable, or distant, or if my internet connection goes down, hangs, or spontaneously combusts, it is almost certainly the fault of Norton. As I've learned in the past, it's important to start these installations early in the day, because they might take several hours. Wish me luck!

Oops.

Dear Kimberly,

I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the SWAT team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares. It will never happen again.

Adrian Monk

Source: From Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy.

Explanation: Today's post comes courtesy of the typical police show, where the police consultant is learning how to use a computer and somehow sends an FBI-headed SWAT team to a little girl's slumber party in search of a serial killer. No big deal - just your run of the mill episode.

Special Blog Bonus: And, speaking of typical, here's Far Side on safari:

Hi Ho the Merri-O!

The hills are alive with the sound of chicken.

Source: This is a lyric from the 2 Skinnee J's song Meadowblaster. At the end of the song, before the last chorus of "the J's in the dell", the band just keeps repeating "the hills are alive with the sound of chicken." I'm not totally sure what that means, but I'm thinking the chickens are about to rebel...

Explanation: I don't think I could possibly explain this song. Instead, I'll just give you the lyrics:

The J's in the dell
The J's in the dell
Hi ho the merrio the J's in the dell
Old Skinnee J had a farm E-I-O
Planted breeds of the seeds and I heed to watch them grow
Frrom knee high to sky high body and in spirit
Here a rhyme there a rhyme everywhere a lyric
Our delivery is candid with band-aid adhesion
Made it through the changes weathered all the seasons
Now it is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer 2 Skinnee is the magic number
And I wonder awake from your slumber
The blindfold around your mind and soul is torn asunder
So you wake up to greet the day
It's the dawn in the house of J

Well I'm an international harvester so here's a harbinger of things to come
Emerge the one Special J that's prehensile
I've been wrestled from my nestle on the vessel of the wind swept plain
To obtain my weight in grain
It's the cycle of the seasons and here we go again
We how rows with our flows as we sows all we knows
Into grooves and furrows using bulls and burroughs
Storing all we've grown in a mile high silo
Laying claim to our domain with our deeds and titles
I kneel to idols to grow my pastures faster
That's how it is with the old meadowblaster

Reaping props like crops and sowing rhymes like seeds
We're springing like the chicken and we're stinging like bees
Wee wee wee like the piggy heading all the way home
It's the leaders of the sheep and like the cheese I stand alone
And I get down like the rain on the plain for sure
So God damn this you're not in Kansas anymore
Do you dare go where a scarecrow will slay a witch
And the hills are alive with the sound of chickens

Pet Peeve: Acronym Misuse

[Actual work status omitted. Bonus internet status provided instead]

Today's status message is written in HTML language for the WWW web.

Explanation: It just drives me batty when people misuse acronyms. This happens all the time at work, but I don't want to post anything internal on the internet, so I'll just complain about "ATM machines" instead. An acronym should be able to be expanded into a string of words and still make sense in the context in which it was used. For example, "I got money out of the ATM machine" would expand to "I got money out of the automated teller machine machine." People do this all the time. You don't say "I'm from the USA America." You don't say "I'm making a PB&J jelly sandwich." Why would you say "ATM machine?" Jeez. Think before you speak, people!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check out this TV vision show on the CNN network about how a Navy SEAL land went MIA action in the USSR republics because his SCUBA apparatus malfunctioned during a SAR rescue mission.

Anaesthesia Sure is Fun

No important decisions today - doctor's orders.

Source: My doctor said I can't make any important decisions today, and since I consider my status to be pretty important, I'm just going to leave it at that. I'll be back tomorrow when I can decide on something funny to say.

Oh the Joys of Aging

All I ask for in this world is a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice each morning. Take that away from me and I get very cranky.

Explanation: I have what could be officially described as a "diagnostic procedure" on Tuesday. I've put an awful lot of thought into this and my decision was to spare my readers (and coworkers) the details. It is not terribly scary, nor is it or my illness life-threatening. It is, however, particularly annoying that I have to endure it. And frankly, if I wasn't the one undergoing the procedure, I would find the whole situation particularly amusing.

As I have learned in the past, particularly with dental work, the part about medical procedures that frustrates me the most is not the procedure itself, but the procedure's effect and requirements on my diet. With that being said, I am on a liquid diet today. My breakfast was a glass of water and a cup of tea. Yep, that's some hearty eats there. I also just made some Jello, which should be ready in a few hours to provide a particularly unsatisfying lunch.

And Now For the "Good" News: Having looked online at my recent insurance claims, I know that the CAT scan I had a few weeks ago pushed me past my insurance deductible for 2008. While it means I have spent an awful lot out of pocket, that also means that tomorrow's procedure should be quite inexpensive. Free MRI's for everybody!

Time Keeps on Slippin'

"Time continues to skip forward randomly, details at 11." (time jump) "This is the news at 11. The mysterious and unexplained…" (time jump) "Turning to entertainment news: Teen singer 'Wendy' might just be the lates…" (time jump) "…won 3 Grammy's last nigh." (time jump) "…was found dead. In her bathtub."

Source: This is a news segment from the Time Keeps on Slippin' episode of Futurama.

Explanation: I TiVoed the Virginia Tech football game last night and started watching it this morning. (At this point I have only seen the first half, so please don't talk to me about it.) Something is flaky about my TiVo, or maybe my cable, because I kept missing little segments of the game. Even more annoyingly, the first incident happened when Maryland was attempting their first field goal. The snap was good. The hold was good. The kick was up... "...ever live without this product. It's amazing technology". I had no idea what happened. The kick was in the air and suddenly I was in a commercial. At first I thought this was an ESPN issue. Then it happened again. And again it was during a Maryland field goal attempt. Again the play started and I was suddenly in a commercial. The only way I knew the result was because the score was different when I got back from commercial. I was certain it was an ESPN issue until it happened during live play as well. At that point, I realized that I had completely missed 2 minutes of broadcast. Then I missed the last 3 minutes before halftime as well.

So, on the bright side, I expect to finish the rest of the game in about half of the normal time. Sure, I'll miss most of it, but at least I can still claim that I went cannon to cannon.

By the way, if you're wondering, "cannon to cannon" is my Virginia Tech football motto. Tech fires off a cannon at the start of the game and at the end of the game. (And for scores in between, but that's not pertinent to my motto.) I watch games cannon to cannon. Start to finish. If we are winning in a blowout, I go cannon to cannon and enjoy every moment of it. If we lose in a blowout, I still sit tight until the final cannon and endure the pain.

I believe the only exception I've ever made to this rule was when my parents came to join me at a VT vs. Akron game in October of 1995. It was absolutely pouring rain on a typically cold fall day in Blacksburg. We left after the third quarter, when Tech's band was substituted into the game for the third string players. Tech went on to win the game 77-27. I would have stayed for the whole thing, except I left in deference to my parents, who were a bit soggier than they were used to being. It only seemed appropriate, seeing as they were paying for me to be there in the first place.

Filling the Polictical Void

Isn't it about time for the 2012 primaries to start?

Explanation: By my calculations, the 2008 primaries (Democratic, in particular) lasted longer than Christmas season at a Hallmark store. Therefore, given the trend, shouldn't the primaries be starting right about now? I guess the Republicans should have a bit more urgency, given that the Democrats already seem to have a candidate. Where are the candidates? Where are the debates? Where are the town hall meetings? I don't know what to do!!!

The Results Are In!

On this day 53 years ago, Dr. Emmett Brown conceived the flux capacitor.

Source: Of course, this is an important fact from Back to the Future. Plus, it's on Wikipedia so you know it's true.

Explanation: Yes, that's right. The secret to time travel arrived in the mind of the greatest inventor the world has ever seen when he slipped and hit his head on the sink while standing on the toilet to hang a clock. It just goes to show you that most brilliant thoughts do indeed come while in the bathroom.

Election Results: At this point you may be asking, "Seriously? A presidential election yesterday and you're talking about fictional inventions?" Well, you're right - there was a historic election yesterday, and here are the results:

Barack Obama: 4
John McCain: 0
Anyone but Bush: 1
Joe the Plumber: 1
Hillary: 1
Pat Buchanon: 134
Tina Fey: 3
Margin of Error: plus or minus 117%

Thank you all for voting. Your vote mattered and it really made a difference.

Rock the Vote!

Was it wrong of me to take my political party up on their offer to drive me to the polls?

Explanation: I was originally unsure about registering for a political party, but since I have it has been wonderful. Yesterday they called me to remind me to vote today and they asked if I needed a ride! Sure, we have two perfectly functioning cars, but gas is expensive these days and I know these politicians have more money than they know what to do with. So, I'm getting chauffer service to vote today! I feel so special!*

Special Blog Bonus: Yes, it is finally election day, America's day of Democracy, when years and years of hard politicking culminate in one Senator (who doesn't really work as a Senator anymore) defeating another Senator (who doesn't really work as a Senator anymore) by a slim margin because elderly folks in Palm Beach County, Florida accidentally vote for Pat Buchanon. Today is the vision the framers of our great Union had in mind when they drafted our Constitution so many years ago.

In honor of today's day of voting, we at Jeremy's Status Message are taking the political pulse of America by having a poll of our own! Check it out on the right. Vote early and vote often!

*I did not actually take them up on the offer. Although, this does encourage a devious plan of registering for the other party and taking them up on any offer I can that drains their finances and keeps those who are truly in the party from getting the attention they deserve.

Expensive Restaurant Guy

I find it a little eerie how much celebrity chef Mario Batali resembles Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.

Explanation: I know he's one of the world's greatest chefs and all, but seriously, doesn't he look just like the Comic Book Guy?

"I shall return to my restaurant, where I dispense the entrees instead of absorbing them."

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Comic Book Guy soundboard to keep you amused for a little while.