Friday, December 5, 2008

Beware of the Amish!

Be warned! The Amish have unleashed their diabolical plan!

Explanation: Ten days ago, my wife received a gift of "Amish Friendship Bread" from a friend. I know it was ten days ago, because the gift wasn't actually bread - it was a ziplocked bag of a disgusting milky white substance along with ten days of instructions on how to make the bread. Frankly, it's my belief that such a disgusting looking gift would only be acceptable from a friend, but that's just my opinion.

Anyway, the Amish Friendship Bread works like this. Most of the days you just work the mixture around in the bag (i.e. keep yourself busy while waiting). On one day in the middle you're supposed to add stuff to the mix - flour and milk and things like that. After ten days, you do two things. First, you create "starter bags" using your mixture and other ingredients and distribute them to several of your friends. Then you use the rest of the mixture to make bread for yourself. It was said in the instructions that only the Amish know how to make an original starter bag, but I would wager that (had I cared) it would have been pretty easy to calculate what exactly goes into a starter, given that only a percentage of the original remains with each passing.

Regardless, the whole process essentially amounts to Amish chain mail, only instead of mail, they use food. Eat one, and pass several on. If you don't pass them on, you have to eat them all, which is incentive to get rid of the extra.

It is my theory that this is all a diabolical plan unleashed by the Amish to destroy the outside world by killing them all with poison-laced bread. Actually, forget the theory - this is fact. I bet not even a single Amish person will refute this post. Not one! They're out to get us, I tell you! Beware!

3 comments:

Willie Y said...

You had better watch out because the Amish are a heart beat away from developing a way to read blogs, using a combination of a black hat hooked up to a horse draw combine. So you had better watch it pilgrim.

Jeremy said...

We're all doomed as soon as the major corporations realize that horse poop is the key to energy independence.

Jack said...

Your post reminded me that I received an "Amish Friendship Bedroom Set" several years ago.

It came in a tiny box containing an acorn and two thousand pages of hand written instructions. It was similar to your gift in many ways.

Initially one was to plant the acorn and water it periodically.

While the oak tree grew, I was required to make copies of the instructions. When the tree matured and had acorns, I was to send an acorn along with a copy of the instructions to several friends.

I was then required to cut down the tree and mill it into furniture grade lumber. (This step required the purchase of "Amish Friendship Carpentry Tools" which arrived several months later in a horse drawn APS vehicle “Amish Parcel Post wagon”.)

Making the furniture was no easy task and growing a long beard only complicated the construction project.

I was then required to hold an "Amish Friendship Assembly Party" to assemble the furniture. The attached literature suggested those friends to whom I had sent an "Amish Friendship Bedroom Set" would gladly come to my rescue.

It is my theory that this is all a diabolical plan unleashed by the Amish to destroy the outside world by killing them all with splinters. And as others have noted, you can actually, forget the theory - this is fact. I bet not even a single Amish person will refute this post either. Not one! They're out to get us, I tell you! Beware!