Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pay Attention People!

Look at you, just sitting in front of your computer. The current Homeland Security Terror Alert status is "Elevated," or yellow! There is a significant risk of terrorist attack!!! Are you prepared? ARE YOU???

Explanation: We at Jeremy's Status Message consider it our civic duty to remind you, our valued readers that you should not forget about terrorism. It's still out there. It could be lurking around the next corner you see. BOO! OK, that was just us testing you, but it could have been terrorism. You cannot take your freedom for granted.* As advised by the United States government and the Department of Homeland Security, we encourage you to take the following steps to thwart terrorism:

  • Vote against terrorism. That's right. Are you anti-terrorist? Are you pro-America? Then make your voice heard! Get out there this November and cast your vote against terrorism! If you don't, the terrorists may have already won.
  • Do everything in your power to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil. Help the American government find new sources of oil! Dig holes in your backyard to find your own!** The only way we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil is to find our own oil right here in the United States of America. IT'S THE ONLY WAY, PEOPLE!!!
  • Be patient while waiting in line at airport security. It is a well known fact that terrorists only utilize methods that have been used in the past by other terrorists. Therefore we ask that you do your duty as an American by taking off your belt and shoes and surrendering your shampoo. Your hair will lose body and volume, but democracy will prevail!
  • Learn the terrorism threat advisory levels. Sure, you may be familiar, or even eerily comfortable with yellow ("Elevated"), orange ("High") and red ("Severe"), but did you the chart also comes in blue, for "Guarded", and green, for "Low"? Sure, achieving one of those levels would obviate the very department that established them, but it's something that all Americans should dutifully aspire to. Also, be on the lookout for exciting new levels, like hot pink ("Duck!"), strobing red/blue ("Get out of the way!"), and the always terrifying nuclear winter white ("Oh dear Lord, you're hunting with Dick Cheney!!!").
Special Blog Bonus: As a convenience to readers Jeremy's Status Message is providing you with the current terror alert status. Come back and check this post to see changes in the terror alert status. We recommend you check three to five times a day for starters, then more as you get more comfortable with that schedule. The current terror alert status is:

*In accordance to the Patriot Act, article 7, paragraph 12, the federal government is now allowed to take your freedom, just not for granted.
**While you're digging, can you please let us know if you find Osama Bin Laden? We found Saddam in a hole, so it's not too much of a stretch.


Willie Y said...

There is a pink alert already. It is to alert everyone not to wear white after Labor Day.

Could be Jack but Maybe Not said...


If there really was a Department of Homeland Security (And I bet they would be a bunch of really great guys), they would be monitoring our communications, like phones, cell phones, web postings, etc.

But this would be an undoable task. Too much in the way of communications to watch, so they would watch for key words or phrases like “Terror Alert”, “terrorist attack”, “terrorists may have already won”, “terrorists only utilize methods”, “surrendering” and “Dick Cheney”.

Anyway, polish up your Spanish (Guantanamo Bay detention camp is in Cuba), Kiss your wife goodbye, Forget about your rights and be ready to disappear.

I guess you sister will be an only child again.

How sad.