Sametime is the instant messaging client we use at work. It allows users to edit a status message to indicate "I am active" or "Working from home" or "I am at a meeting." Long ago, I got bored with simple messages like that and started coming up with something creative every day instead. These are my daily status messages.
What do you get when you cross an Irish woman with a Bosnian?
Answer: A Cherylandnihadian!
In honor of the happy couple, we at Jeremy's Status Message have merged the flags of Bosnia and Ireland into the new improved flag of Cherylandnihadland!
Behold, the flag of the tiny one-bedroom republic:
Special Blog Bonus: In (belated) honor of Jim's 30th birthday last week, we present the new and improved flag of Jimania:
Note that the new flag is identical to the old flag, right down to the Syracuse/Mets colors, except that all of the interests and activities have been replaced by a person in a rocking chair.
Today is Nihad's Wedding Day! Congratulations to our favorite Bosnian! (And to Cheryl, who isn't Bosnian, but we like her anyway, except when she beats us in poker) Woo-hoo!!!
In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.
But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.
Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"
The Smith and Wesson 500, now with onboard GPS. Go ahead 200 feet, turn left onto Franklin Street, turn left at the end onto Giles Road, make the second right onto Progress Street NE, bear right onto Main Street, continue for approximately one quarter of a mile, turn right, and make my day.
Thus concludes Gun Week on Jeremy's Status Message. Remember, the more guns people have, the more peace and freedom they enjoy. Help us strive to make our country a bastion of peace and freedom following in the example set before us by the great enlightened peoples of Compton, Camden, and Alabama. Thanks for visiting!
In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.
But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.
Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"
The Palm UZEO. It goes where you go. It combines a world GSM phone, email, broadband wireless, Windows Mobile®, and a 1700 round per minute firing capacity. That's right - you can exercise your Constitutional right 28 times a second! Protect your loved ones and show them the virtues of the NRA website all with one convenient device!
In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.
But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.
Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"
The iMAC-10. Spread democracy while listening to your favorite tunes. Also available: the Video iMAC-10. Watch "The Office" safely while home alone. Watch "Home Alone" safely while in the office. Are you laughing at me? ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME???
In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.
But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.
Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"
The Moto AKZR. Neutralize the enemy threat with unmatched style. Be the envy of your neighborhood as you fend off intruders and heavily-armed wildlife. Now with Bluetooth! (Also available in pink)
In light of the recent events at Virginia Tech, we at Jeremy's Status Message are concerned with the very serious issue of personal safety. After poring over the NRA web site, we have decided that the only way Americans can be truly safe is for every man, woman, and child in this country to be heavily armed at all times. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution has remained unheeded by far too many for far too long.
But we also understand the inconvenience of carrying firearms in a world where our pockets are already full with the numerous other mobile gadgets that have proven so necessary for modern survival. After months in the lab, our crack engineering team has merged the firearm and the mobile device to help simplify the life of the modern gunowner.
Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents "Gun Week!"
The Glockberry. The only semi-automatic pistol with a full QWERTY keyboard. Defend your civil liberties without missing an email! Hurry now and own the official mobile device of the NRA!
After losing the chess championship, Jose Capablanca apparently spent quite a bit of his spare time hanging out in a specific cafe in Paris. Friends, acquaintances, and others would often drop by, participating in games and libations with the former, charismatic, champion. One day, while he was having coffee and reading a newspaper, a stranger stopped at his table, motioned at the chess set and indicated he would like to play if Capablanca was interested. Capablanca's face lit up, he folded the newspaper away, reached for the board and proceeded to pocket his own queen. The opponent (who apparently had no idea who Capablanca was) reacted with slight anger. "Hey! You don't know me! I might beat you!", he said. Capablanca, smiling gently, said quietly, "Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you."
Explanation: When you're a world class player, you're allowed to talk smack.
Special Blog Bonus: Here are a few Simpsons chess clips. Enjoy your weekend!
In solidarity with my fellow Hokies, I'm wearing a maroon Virginia Tech sweatshirt today. I tell you this in case I don't leave the house today. Someone should know.
Special Blog Bonus: Comic of the day! Why? Why not!
If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. YOU WANT THAT? DO YOU???
Source: Homer Simpson explaining to Lisa why the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution is not just a remnant from revolutionary days.
The following is a letter I read the other day in the New York Times:
To the Editor:
In “Eight Years After Columbine” (editorial, April 17), you call for more gun control. With 40 states permitting law-abiding citizens to carry handguns for protection, the evidence teaches that prohibiting carrying such weapons leads to tragedy.
Virginia Tech is one of the “gun free” zones in Virginia where gun possession is prohibited — a place criminals know that they need not fear an armed response. The prohibition did not stop the gunman, but it did prevent anyone on that campus from stopping his murder spree.
Daniel Schmutter West Orange, N.J., April 17, 2007
Thank you, Daniel. I know the one thing I was truly upset about in college was the fact that more people didn't carry firearms. My safe haven of learning would have been so much safer. All those drunken fights at parties never would have escalated. Imagine how much safer the football games would have been. And the games we lost, when the entire campus was upset and angry? Much much safer. Who doesn't want more guns around in a place where a bunch of people are fresh out of their parents' homes, feeling lonliness and angst for the first time? According to a recent survey by the American College Health Association, 15 percent of college students were formally diagnosed with depression last year. So what if they all have their own firearms? As long as more than that 15 percent are armed, the world is a safer place, right?
Of course, by law, each and every handgun owner would have to be a responsible and upstanding individual. And if they weren't and they still managed to get a gun? Well, I'm sure there would be another responsible and upstanding individual waiting around to shoot them in case things got out of hand.
In this world where only two things can be said to be certain, if you find that taxes are your biggest concern today, count your blessings.
Explanation: Benjamin Franklin is often attributed with saying that "the only two certain things in this world are death and taxes." Federal income tax returns are due to the IRS today.
Yesterday a maniac went on a killing rampage at my alma mater. The halls of a school that I love are now tarnished with blood. I wish taxes were my biggest concern right now.
If I look straight up or straight down, I collapse. It's a really neat trick.
Explanation: On the bright side, I now have medication so that none of these adventures render me nauseous. I merely lose my balance. Through the power of the internet, I have found a vertigo simulation. Enjoy.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE???
Source:Gladiator
Explanation: Russell Crowe's character is growing fed up with the fact that crowds come to see him kill. So he dispenses with the showmanship and just wipes out all of his competition in the gladiator arena. Much in the same sort of way I have grown fed up with the world spinning.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This video contains some pretty graphic violence. Also note that "pretty" implies that the graphic violence is to a somewhat severe degree, not that the graphic violence is something that we here at Jeremy's Status Message find to be beautiful.
Throw up your fists 'til your ligaments are pulled in more ways than a Mormon polygamist, and your vocal cords stretch 'til you're hoarse! You can't deny the irresistable force.
Source: These are the last lines of Friends Don't Let Friends Listen to Rap Metal by the 2 Skinnee J's. The Skinnees have since broken up, but do surface for a reunion show every once in a while.
Explanation: Generally, in concert, the Skinnees use these lines to transition from Friends Don't Let Friends Listen to Rap Metal to Irresistable Force. In the concert below, however, they did the songs separately.
Take a listen below to their live reunion show at Sonar from July 22, 2005:
Apparently, the only difference between salsa and gazpacho is about three clicks of your food processor.
Explanation: Let's just say that the salsa I made last night is a little more soupy than I would have preferred.
Special Blog Bonus: Lisa Simpson makes gazpacho as a vegetarian alternative at Homer's BBBQ* in the Lisa the Vegetarian episode of the Simpsons. This episode is ripe with blog material. Look for more in the future. For now, though, enjoy this educational film about Meat and You.
How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge wanna come down?
Source: Song lyrics from London Bridge, by Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas
Explanation: Remember, this is from the singer of My Humps. The meaning is probably not much deeper than that thing that hens should be doing with some bird that isn't a chicken or a rooster. So, turning to less colorful subject matter, let's just think about some other things that fall down:
Humpty Dumpty
The Tacoma Narrows Bridge
At least one person on every drive to the hoop in a women's basketball game
Soccer players, but only when breathed upon
The company stock price
The ball in this game (which is conveniently called "Fall Down")
Every other ball Terrell Owens was thrown last season
Every other ball Rex Grossman threw last season
Ashes, ashes, we all do
Anything you drop from a building, like for instance, a cat
Is it too soon for a Gerald Ford joke?
And, of course:
Special Blog Bonus:
You know, this video is edited for television. Kids watch it. It would be on MTV if they showed videos anymore. And still, it seems just a little inappropriate. Oh well. If you prefer something a little less racy, here's a video on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse, narrated by the most boring professor you ever had in college.
You lost the pool. That's bad. But you get a free donut. That's good. The donut contains... I have no idea what the donut contains. That's bad.
Source: Frogurt humor stolen from The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III
Explanation: NCAA Tournament Donuts today! And you thought your $5 entry fee was wasted. You should be honored that I chose this over $300 worth of bacon.
Here's the Simpsons clip. It's worth it to see Milhouse get smacked with the door at the end.
Morning's here, The morning is here! Sunshine is here, The sky is clear. The morning's here, Get into gear. Breakfast is near, The dark of night has disappeared.
Source:The One With All the Haste episode of Friends
Explanation: A guy opposite Joey's room sings this song every morning. When Rachel and Monica switch apartments with Monica and Rachel, Rachel wakes up to his singing, and not happily.
Apparently, the song is based on a flugelhorn instrumental piece by Chuck Mangione called "Feels So Good." And I can't type "flugelhorn" without A) giggling and B) putting up this link. (If you were the only flugelhorn player I knew, you'd get a link too!)
Special Blog Bonus:
Here's a clip of the Friends episode showing that Rachel isn't a morning person:
And here's Joey back in his room at the end of the episode singing along:
Small children getting loaded up on Easter candy, missing their naps, and running themselves into the ground - a tradition unlike any other.
Source: If you pay extra special close attention to your television, you may hear the Masters golf tournament described as "a tradition unlike any other." And by "extra special close" I mean watching CBS any time between February and April.
Explanation: All the children I was around yesterday actually were candy-free, but the excitement of the day kept them running until they couldn't stand anymore. Add candy to the mix, and you've got yourself some serious entertainment.
By the way, what's with this green jacket thing? The jacket is ugly. I think last year's jacket winner should be forced to play the entire next tournament in his green jacket. Now that would be worth watching.
Special Blog Bonus:
In honor of his second place finish at Augusta, here's Tiger Woods playing with a golf ball in a Nike commercial.
Randy "Macho Man" Savage will always be the Intercontinental Champion to me.
Source: Professional wrestling.
Explanation: Back when it was the WWF (and when I cared) Randy "Macho Man" Savage was the Intercontinental Champion for a long time. Why did they even have an "Intercontinental" champion? So they could have one more belt to add to the drama of the heavyweight champion and the tag team champions. Plus, the Macho Man went everywhere with his manager, the lovely Miss Elizabeth, so that was an added perk. Anyway, I was just waxing nostalgic one day and thought, if there's one person who will always be the Intercontinental champion to me, it would be Randy Savage. So there you go.
Special Blog Bonus: Here he is on Arsenio Hall. I miss the eighties...
Editor's Note: Despite the obvious similarities, Randy Savage and Fred Savage are not related.
"Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
Source: George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Explanation: Pretty much self-explanatory from the clip below. George does the opposite of every instinct he has, which lands him a great girlfriend who, in turn, gets him a job with the Yankees. One of the best Seinfeld episodes ever.
"You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while."
Explanation: The author was just clarifying this point for children. Seemed like a good message, today being Good Friday and Sunday being Easter with the eggs and whatnot. Of course, if your Easter eggs are already hard-boiled, you should not even bother trying to fry them. If you're Jewish, you might have leftover hard-boiled eggs from Passover*, but you can't fry them, either. In fact, you probably don't want to eat them at all, since they're getting pretty old. If you're Canadian and you like your French fries, you might say "Good Fries, eh?" which is not to be confused with "Good Friday." Christians celebrate one as the day their Lord and Savior was crucified. The other is a nice side for a hamburger or fried fish accompanied by a bizarre Canadian tendency to end all questions with the sound "eh." Big difference there, too. Also, you have to be careful about the Ice Cube and Chris Tucker movie "Friday," especially if you liked it. I'll save that lesson for another day.
Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of Easter and chickens, here's a Family Guy clip:
The following is the scene that precedes that clip. Nothing to do with anything, but I think it's one of the best Family Guy scenes ever.
*It is also worth mentioning that the original Good Friday fell on Passover, while good fried eggs falling on Passover can pretty much ruin your seder, leading to a bad Friday, should Passover happen to fall on that day.
Source:Greg the Bunny. The show ran on Fox for all of about six episodes and didn't make it. The Independent Film Channel, however, has had more success with the show, although their version is less appropriate for my blog.
Explanation: Count Blah, one of the main characters, finishes everything he says with "Blah". So, it makes sense that his wife's tombstone does the same, blah. Here's a clip:
If you're feeling really ambitious, here's the series premiere. It's worth it to see Greg meet Count Blah. Of course, you'll probably also figure out why the show didn't make it.
Explanation: I WON THE TOURNAMENT POOL!!! To the 133 tournament pool entries beneath me, I say to you these words of Homer Simpson:
I am the champion! I am the champion! No time for losers, 'cause I am the champion Of the world!
If you prefer, how about some Fresh Prince:
I'm the ultimate, and that's all I can say. I sat down for about eight hours a day Trying to figure out the proper description of me, and I came to the decision that there's no one syllable or phrase that can adequately describe this new craze, But I'll sum it up in one sentence, let's see... OK, I've got it, "All praise me!"
Maybe Kenny Mayne said it best:
"I am the king of the diamond! Let there be a grand clubhouse feast! Bring me the finest meats and cheeses throughout the land!"
Wow, I can totally do this all day. Maybe I will...
For now, though, please enjoy ten things I can buy with my $300:
10) Nothing beats 600 hot apple pies at McDonald's. 9) I can get myself one of them $300 haircuts. This one's lost its pizazz. 8) Three shares of company stock, which should be worth at least $250 in ten years. 7) A wedding gift for my favorite Bosnian 6) Donuts for all of 707 5) 4.62 times more stuff than Tom S. can buy with his measly $65 4) I can envision it now: www.statusmessage.com 3) Bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. 2) Forget the money, I can talk smack for a year, LOSERS! 1) 60 more NCAA tournament pool entries!
Source: This is paraphrased from probably the best-known quote from the Passover Haggadah: "Why is this night different from all other nights?" It is usually read by the youngest child at the Passover seder. The four reasons are traditionally the following:
On all other nights we eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night only unleavened bread.
On all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night only bitter herbs.
On all other nights we dip only once, but on this night we dip twice.
On all other nights we eat sitting up or reclining, but on this night we all of us recline.
These are commonly called the "Four Questions," but I swear the Maxwell House Haggadah our family uses does not phrase them as questions. I'll have to double check that tonight.
Explanation:Tonight's NCAA national championship game has different meaning for me:
For all other games, I watch from any of the numerous positions in my office pool, but on this night I watch from first place.
For all other games, if I pick the winner correctly, I get points, but for this game I get money.
For all other games I wouldn't be upset that I'd be at a seder instead of watching it live, but on this night I'm a little upset about it.
For all other games, if my team wins, I can only taunt some of my coworkers, but if my team wins this game they all of them will be taunted.
Here's hoping I win a lot of bread! (Unleavened, of course)
Special Blog Bonus: To help get pumped up for the game, here's an excerpt of a Billy Donovan pep talk:
If that doesn't do it for you, here's the pregame speech from Any Given Sunday:
All bacon and no bacon makes bacon a bacon bacon. All bacon and no bacon makes bacon a bacon bacon. All bacon and no bacon makes bacon a bacon bacon. All bacon and no bacon makes bacon a bacon bacon. All bacon and no bacon makes bacon a bacon bacon. ...
Source:The Shining
Or, if you prefer the Simpsons:
Explanation: I don't remember what motivated me to write this particular message, since I have quite a history of celebrating bacon, but it was most likely around the time of a coworker's 25th service anniversary. He opted to have a breakfast for his coworkers and the amount of bacon the caterers served was disproportionate to the number of eaters. I would guess there were about ten strips of bacon per person. So, I ate my ten strips at breakfast and then bunched up some strips in a napkin for later. That was followed by jokes about sending out a "Bacon on Aisle D" email and pretty much an entire day of quoting the commercial below.
By the way, any day where bacon is involved in all three meals is a special kind of day.
