Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Official Post of NASCAR

Remember kids, Ritz is the official cracker of NASCAR.

Explanation: Sharing a house with somebody who listens to country music from time to time, I hear things on the radio I would not otherwise be exposed to. This past weekend, I learned that Ritz crackers are the offical crackers of NASCAR. It's important to know this distinction, because you wouldn't want to be seen eating an unofficial NASCAR cracker, or even worse, (gasp) a cracker that has nothing whatsoever to do with NASCAR. Oh the horror!

To make your life easier, we at Jeremy's Status Message have done a little research and suggest you stick to the following routine in order to fully support NASCAR and its sponsors:

When you wake up an hour late for work because that skank at the bar last night took the fancy Tissot (Official Watch) you stole from the dead guy and you forgot to replace the Duracells (Official Alkaline Battery) in your alarm clock, you don't have time for Kellogg's (Official Breakfast Food) or Minute Maid (Official Juice). Just slather on some Old Spice (Official Antiperspirant and Deodorant) and for heaven's sake, please get that Budweiser (Official Beer) off your breath with your toothbrush from Oral B (Official Oral Care Product). Don't worry about using Gilette (Official Shaving Product) because your court hearing isn't for another week. Just hop up into your Ford (Official Truck) and get down to the warehouse. Don't drive too wrecklessly because you're no longer covered by Allstate (Official Insurance) and you don't want to wreck the pretty Dupont Performance Coating (Official Finish) on your truck by mowing down any Chevrolets (Official Passenger Car). Plus, back when you hit that UPS (Official Delivery Service) truck, those jerks at Enterprise (Official Rent-A-Car Company) stuck you with a Toyota (Offical Manufacturer). How un-American!

Anyway, on your way to work, stop by APlus, (Official Convenience Store) grab a cup o' joe and throw back a few Tylenol (Official Pain Reliever) in hopes that you no longer feel like you've been hit by a Mack truck (Official Semi-Tractor Distributor). When you come waltzing into the Office Depot (Official Office Supply Products Partner) warehouse an hour and a half late and your boss fires you, we suggest that you hit him over the head with a Craftsman (Official Tools) wrench, take his Visa card, (Official Card) and run like hell.

Once you have that card, the sky is the limit. Before utilizing its full spending power, you should probably hit the Sunoco (Official Fuel) station and fill up. While you're there, grab some M&M's (Official Chocolate) and Combos (Official Cheese-Filled Snack) so you have something to munch on. Grab some Dasani (Official Water) too - it's on the big boss man!

Now it's time to spend big! Get yourself a new computer. One of those AMD (Official Semiconductor Technology) dealies with the American Online (Official Internet Service Provider). Pimp your truck's stereo with something by Sony (Official Consumer Electronics) and that Sirius (Official Satellite Radio Partner) doohickie. Act like your snooty manager - get some new Top-Flite clubs (Official Golf Club) and Calloway balls (Official Golf Ball). Toast your new fortune with a fine glass of bubbling Diageo (Official Wine).

After a busy afternoon of shopping, you probably want to ditch the card and grab a wholesome lunch at Rally's (Offical Burger). Make sure you wash it down with a Coca-Cola (Official Soft Drink). After that, you might want to hide out for the night at the Best Western (Official Hotel). Just order in some Domino's (Official Pizza Company) and get some rest. You have to find a new job in the morning. Oh - we suggest you try the Home Depot Warehouse (Official Home Improvement Warehouse).

A Brief Rant: Seriously? Duracell is the official alkaline battery of NASCAR? What, the company wouldn't shell out enough to be the official battery? Is there a chance of an official Nickel Cadmium battery? Lithium Ion? Do NASCAR fans even know the difference?

Another Brief Rant: If you were to say Calloway and Top-Flite, I would immediately think clubs and balls, not the other way around. It's like if you shell out enough cash, NASCAR will give you your own category. "McDonald's, The Official French Fry Supplier of NASCAR," "Burger King, The Official Onion Ring Supplier of NASCAR," and "Wendy's, The Official Frostee Supplier of NASCAR." What? You want in Hardees? Just make that check payable to "NASCAR" and we'll figure out your category later.

One More Really Brief Rant: Official Cheese-Filled Snack? Are you freakin' kidding me?


Willie Y said...

And don't forget Uritox Medical the official Nascar urine testing equipment. It's patent Nextel sample cup.

Jack said...


Mikey Waltrip was telling of an experience that changed him forever.

He was practicing privately the previous week and everything was going fine until the car started to bounce out of control.

He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown into the wall.
Just when he thought things could not possibly get worse, his foot got caught in the pedals somehow and the car went completely out of control.

He couldn’t get to the brake, He was in the grass, up into the wall again. He came back down across the track and still the car didn’t even slow.

He felt himself loosing consciousness and giving up. He began to think about his family – He knew he would DIE right then & there.

Then the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.

RonRipple.com said...

Funny post..

You forgot to mention the Official Nascar Fan = Ron Ripple...

Jeremy said...

First of all, UPS Sucks, and now, thanks to you, we have more proof.

Secondly, I'm impressed. An entire rant on NASCAR without a single Dick Trickle joke. Well played, sir.

Heather said...

I would think that one of the few products that NASCAR fans would relate to is "The official cheese filled snack"
There should be more official "Deep fried and batter coated" snack catagories, but that's just me.
Possum, the offical road kill of NASCAR?