My Left Foot

Worried about the apocolypse? Look no farther than my left foot.


Explanation: My left foot is a magnet for disaster. When I was a young child, I first learned this when my mother accidentally dropped a soup can onto the fourth toe on my left foot. At the time, I naively believed it to be a painful coincidence that my foot happened to be where the can landed. Now I know better.

I played soccer until I was in high school, and at some point I noticed that the big toe on my left foot didn't bend. Well, it can bend, but it hurts like H-E-double hockey sticks when it does. Oh, and something is wrong with the fifth toe, too. It's straight, but it's rotated just the slightest bit so that the nail and knuckles are on the edge of my foot instead of the top. It's not gross looking or anything, but it just ain't quite right. Fine. I can live with this stuff. Nobody would ever notice unless I mentioned it on my blog or something.

Then there was the incident back in 2001 when I was playing on a friend's sand volleyball court and due to an unfortunate incident (which I will spare you) I managed to pretty much rip my big toenail off. That hurt. In fact, not only did it hurt, but the nail never healed. It's fallen off several times, I've had it surgically removed, my wife accidentally ripped it off during an intense game of Cranium (wish I made that one up), I've taken very expensive drugs for it - nothing has helped. I just have an ugly toenail. Fine. I can live with that. People do notice it, but after several years of being conscious of it, I've given up caring.

My fourth toe (the one that started this whole mess) has a black and blue toenail if I'm playing volleyball. Period. I stopped for about two years and the nail healed. I started again and the nail was black in only a week or so. I have changed volleyball sneakers numerous times. Nothing helps. It just looks crappy. Fine. I can live with that. People would notice the big toe first, anyway. (sigh)

My new volleyball sneakers this season gave me blisters. On my right foot, I had a normal blister that turned red, was very irritable, and then healed up all nice and happy. On my left foot, I got a blood blister, which no longer hurts, but is now a black spot (on my freakin' big toe, of all places) that won't go away for several months. You know what? I can live with it. It looks like crap, but I just deal.

Apparently, after a week of suffering, I now know the part of my body that was exposed to the poison ivy. Any guesses? That's right! MY LEFT FOOT! So now, I have this hideously ugly foot covered in what can only be described as "red plague". It's all over the place. It itches like crazy ONLY when I wear a sock for a long period of time as if my evil foot hates being hidden from the world. I'm trying to deal with it. Last night, I almost sawed the whole thing off, but I'm trying.

Anyway, my point is this. If the apocalypse comes via planet-destroying meteor, it'll land on my left foot. If it comes in the form of plague, it has already gotten a jump start on my left foot. Nuclear war? I know where the first bomb will land. Heck, while out walking the other day, I accidentally stubbed my left big toe on a black cat that crossed my path. It caused me to trip under a ladder, breaking a mirror in the process. This foot is bad news.

Special Blog Bonus: I took a good photograph of what my left foot looks like right now. I fully intended to post it here. Then I realized, if I really want you to enjoy your weekend, I would not post it. Go out. Have fun. Just stay clear of my left foot.