Turbo Boost Has Its Advantages

Yesterday, I learned that you can annoy tailgaters by repeatedly washing your windshield.

Explanation: Hey - you spend a long time in a car and you have to be creative somehow. On the bright side, I did a three hour drive in two and a half hours. It's amazing what that "Turbo Boost" button on my car can do.

Special Blog Bonus: KITT vs. KARR! It's a Knight Rider extravaganza!



I'm still wondering what Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World is doing inside the car, though.

It's All Moo

It's all a moo point. Like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. It's moo.

Source: Friends

Explanation: Joey explaining a "moo point". This clip is available on YouTube. Unfortunately, the jerk poster doesn't allow embedding. How rude.

Special Blog Bonus: Because of the lack of embedded video, this post just looks lousy. So, enjoy a comic of the day:

I Can Totally Reach That

They say "You can't teach height." That's a shame, because I'm really good at it.

Explanation: You know that thing that you can't reach without the stepstool? Yeah, I can reach that.

Unfortunately, I have to step out this morning. Please behave for your substitutes, Mr. Bol and Mr. Bogues.



Here's the syllabus if you're interested:

• Introduction: Watch Your Head and Other Valuable Lessons
  
• Clothes Dryers and Why Tall People Hate Them
  
• Airplanes. Exit Rows: Good. Person in Front of You Reclining: Not Good.
  
• The Top Shelf: Not Just for Dust Anymore
  
• Footboards on beds, Modesty Boards on Desks, and Other Evil Inventions.
  
• Lightening Will Hit You First. Beware!
  
• Big Shoes, Small Selections
  
• The Perils of Walking: Spiderwebs, Tree Branches, and Light Fixtures
  
• Gas Mileage and Legroom: Inversely Proportional
  
• "Cute" Houses and Other Euphemisms for "You Won't Fit"
  
• The Ineffectiveness of Chest-Level Shower Heads
  
• My Feet: Why Did They Move So Far Away?

Enjoy a Bottle of Suds Today on Andy

From the archives:

And that's how it came to pass that on the second-to-last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of forty-nine wound up sitting in a row at ten o'clock in the morning drinking icy cold, Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison.

Source: The Shawshank Redemption

EDITOR'S NOTE: I should warn you that this clip is obscenity-laden. Deal with it - it's my favorite movie.



Have a cold one today and enjoy your holiday!

See No Evil, Sign No Evil

From the archives:

I have the American Sign Language dictionary on tape.

Source: I made this one up. Quite proud of it. It's Steven Wrightish, don't you think?

Explanation: See, the ASL dictionary is a visual thing. It just doesn't work on tape. Get it? Get it?

Special Blog Bonus: Here's some more of the real Steven Wright for your viewing pleasure:

The Rules of Leg Day

From the archives:

The first rule of leg day is that you do not talk about leg day. The second rule of leg day: you DO NOT talk about leg day. The third rule of leg day: when someone says stop, goes limp or screams "HELP!", the set is over. The fourth rule of leg day: only two guys to a squat rack. The fifth rule of leg day: one set at a time. The sixth rule of leg day: no belt, no wraps. The seventh rule of leg day: sets go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule of leg day: if this is your first leg day, you have to squat.

Source: Fight Club, of course.



Explanation: As I may have mentioned in passing, I like to lift weights. And, in spite of what the "big" guy at the gym who does bench presses and curls every workout will tell you, the core of every weightlifting regimen should focus on leg work. Leg workouts are hard. Not only do they involve several of the largest muscle groups in the body - they also tax the central nervous system like no chest or bicep workout ever will. That's why you'll see so many guys at the gym with huge upper bodies, but they'll never wear shorts because their legs are so scrawny. You know, guys who look like Jonny Bravo:


Anyway, back when I wrote the Rules of Leg Day, my Bosnian lifting partner and I were lifting at least three days a week. All easy workouts and a leg day. Six days a week, I didn't care what we were doing, I was just grateful that it wasn't leg day. But the seventh day? Well, I distracted myself from the impending pain by writing stuff like this.

I was reminded of this post this week because I tried something new on my leg day. I decided to give one-legged squats a try. Combine those with sumo deadlifts, and I couldn't get into my car the next day. As I struggled to get my body that low without using any of the muscles that I used to squat, I was reminded of the time I blew my back out in the gym and had the same problem, but for different reasons. When I blew my back out, I was miserable. Now I'm thrilled. Why? Because this is the good kind of pain!

Special Blog Bonus: Your special bonus today is that I am not ranting about the myth of spot reduction. I will someday. You just wait.

Pump Up the Gas Grill!

Pump up the gas grill, pump it up while the flame is jumping. Pump up the gas grill, pump it up. Blue flame!

Source: BBQ by 2 Skinnee J's. If you know only one song by the Skinnees, it should be BBQ. BBQ and 718. Two songs. Those two songs should be BBQ and 718... and The Best. Three songs. OK, just learn all of their songs and get back to me.

Explanation: "The food is piping hot, the beer is icy cold, the cole slaw's from the deli AND THE JELLO'S IN THE MOLD!" Oh, sorry - I got distracted. In the original recording of BBQ on Sing Earthboy, Sing the Skinnees had Ya Kid K, who did Pump up the Jam with Technotronic, come and sing this part. Bring the in the holiday weekend and the unofficial beginning of summer with style by pumping up track 5 of the Skinnees reunion show below. You'll thank me later!

Update: Baseball Still Sucks, But...

Having just heard about this, I feel obligated to mention that last night the New York Yankees wore Virginia Tech logos on their caps, invited Virginia Tech President Charles Steger to come throw out the ceremonial first pitch, gave the school a one million dollar donation, and agreed to play an exhibition game against the Virginia Tech baseball team at or near the school in 2008.


Now, admittedly, that million dollars was about the same amount as Roger Clemens was paid to pitch for Trenton last night, but it still is an awfully generous gesture at a time when the tragedy has begun to fade from the public consciousness. So, major class points for the Yankee organization and major Jeremy points for supporting my Hokies... but I still prefer soccer.

Allow Me to Rant For a Moment

All I wanted to see was some soccer. Is that too much to ask?

Explanation: So, the listings said "UEFA Champions League Final" and instead the Trenton Thunder game was on television last night because Roger Clemens was pitching. The Trenton Thunder! Nobody cared about anyone else playing in that game except Clemens. In fact, ESPN was bouncing back to the Baseball Tonight crew whenever the Portland Sea Dogs took the field, because all THEY cared about was Clemens. So, instead of seeing an exciting uninterupted soccer game with a global audience of over a billion people, I was forced to watch sporadic footage of a meaningless minor league game where an overpaid 44 year old man occasionally threw pitches to kids half his age. And when I didn't get to see that, I was stuck with Peter Gammons, who may be the only person on ESPN older than Clemens!

It's bad enough I live in this Americacentric universe where we actually believe baseball is an exciting sport, and ignore soccer, even though the rest of the freakin' planet believes otherwise. Then again, the rest of the world didn't know anything about the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, so why should we believe them now? We'll just go on happily eating our "Freedom Fries" and pretending that "America's game" should be the world's game, and that it should be a huge Olympic event in which we can dominate (like basketball) even though the last Summer Olympic host country had barely even heard of baseball before their Olympics. What do billions of soccer fans know, anyway? They can't even touch the ball with their hands, so the game must be stupid, right? Give me a "sport" where 90% of the action is standing around, adjusting athletic cups, and spitting. That's what I'm talking about!

So, fine, I'm stuck in America and this is how we're going to do it. I can accept that, but on top of that, I'm stuck in the New York metropolitan media vortex, so I'm forced to care about every little thing pertaining to the city, including its precious jewel, the Yankees, and their precious "prospect" in Mr. Clemens. Our country is bigger than one city, people! The sports world has more to offer than the Yankees, Mets, Knicks, and Rangers. And don't even get me started on the Jets and Giants. They don't even freakin' play in New York even though you'd never know that by talking to a New Yorker. Noooo, poor New Jersey is like the ugly stepsister who's always around, but nobody ever acknowledges. And yet, here we are again, right in our state capital, again playing the doormat to the throngs of New York media. It's just sick. The whole thing sickens me. We have to get over ourselves and look at the big picture. We have to take our blinders off and see that the world is more than just us. It's more than just the 100 miles surrounding our house. We're the minority now. We're so entrenched in our culture, we don't see the big picture. The world is passing us by, and still we sit proudly and believe that it revolves around us. We must get out of this rut! We have to stop buying into the garbage that the American media is shoveling into our homes night after night!

So anyway, I didn't want to watch baseball, so I flipped over to American Idol and watched that instead. Can you believe Jordin Sparks won? I'm glad. I was really rooting for her.

Coming Attractions

This STATUS MESSAGE has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES


In a world of blogs with content on the left and a sidebar on the right or content on the right and a sidebar on the left, one blog dared to be different. One blog pushed the envelope. One blog had the guts, the courage, the intestinal fortitude (or any intestines at all) to try something new. This Friday, from executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer, the writers of Happy Days, and the people who brought you that strange blog about the teddy bears, comes a new dimension in blogging... The third column!

Coming to a browser near you Friday, May 24th.

Special Blog Bonus: Need a real preview? It's the Simpsons movie!

Lawnmower vs. Predator

Memo to bunny: The lawnmower and a predator are fundamentally different in that the predator will go away if you hold still in the same place, whereas the lawnmower will not stop until every square inch of the yard is covered.

Explanation: I came within about 18 inches of mulching a bunny in my back yard yesterday because it felt that staying absolutely still was the best way to avoid detection. I stopped the mower when I saw something unusual in front of me, and as I stared at it trying to make out what kind of animal it was (they don't quite look the same when they lie as flat as possible) it bounded off into the woods.

When is somebody going to invent the Lawn-ba? I want a Roomba that mows lawns. As an added perk, it would defend the yard from deer, bunnies, and the neighbors' annoying dogs. Somebody get on this!

Actually, apparently somebody already has.

Come to think of it, I have another solution for the same problem:

It All Comes Back to Calculus

This weekend we learned that the key to a successful relationship is the integration of positive and negative attributes. Therefore, your relationship success hinges on -1/3 x^3 + C. You're welcome.

Explanation: Hey, integration is tough for some people:


Special Blog Bonus: For those of you who are less mathematical, have no fear - the success of your relationships depends on Two-Face from Batman.


For those of you who are less mathematical and less mature, the success of your relationships still depends on Two-Face from Batman, but in LEGO form:

Dead Fish, Delivered

From the archives:

Most people wouldn't play Cupid by delivering dead fish to a public garden, but hey - I'm not most people.

Explanation: A couple of years back, as a favor to a friend, my Bosnian associate and I set up a surprise sushi picnic in the gardens at the Vanderbilt mansion for this friend and the girl he was dating. Personally, though, I think it sounds better when you spin it my way.

Special Blog Bonus: Aquaman makes his first blog appearance!

Give Elizabeth Berkley an Emmy!

From the archives:

Am I the only one who was deeply moved by Jessie Spano's amphetamine-aided performance of "I'm So Excited" in the special drug education episode of "Saved by the Bell"?

Explanation: The post says it all. Here's the clip:



Do I smell an Emmy? Well, an Emmy or a future in Showgirls. Whatever.

EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point you should be very grateful that I couldn't find a YouTube clip from the bike store scene in that special episode of "Diff'rent Strokes."

That Was a Mistake

That was a mistake... It's there. It's twelve moves away, but it's there. You've got him.

Source: Ben Kingsley as Bruce Pandolfini in Searching for Bobby Fischer.

Explanation: Josh Waitzkin's opponent makes a mistake, leaving Josh with checkmate in twelve moves. His coach sees it, because Ben Kingsley is that good.


Josh offers his opponent a draw, knowing that he has the game won. His opponent rejects the draw and soon finds out he should have taken it, with Josh eventually winning the match. Interesting fact, though:

The board position at the time was contrived by Josh Waitzkin and Bruce Pandolfini specifically for the movie. The following moves are played:

1.	...	gxf6
2.	Bxf6	Rc6+
3.	Kf5	Rxf6+!
4.	Nxf6	Bxf6
5.	Kxf6	Nd7+
6.	Kf5	Nxe5
7.	Kxe5??	a5
8.	h5	a4
9.	h6	a3
10.	h7	a2
11.	h8=Q	a1=Q+
12.	Kf5	Qxh8 0-1

In the October 1995 issue of Chess Life, Grandmaster Larry Evans showed that Josh's opponent still could have drawn the match (note the double question mark after White's move 7 - That was a mistake). White could have drawn the game by advancing his pawn on move 7 instead of taking the knight.

The moral of the story is simple: DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME DECONSTRUCTING CHESS BOARDS FROM MOVIES.

Thank You, Stephen Hawking!

Telecommuting advantage #27: The mute button. When the robotic voice on your laptop announces a new email, nobody else in your meeting can hear it.

Explanation: While happy that I was in the room instead of on the phone, it appears the folks at my weekly status meeting did not want to know about the email I got during the meeting. This actually might be more embarassing than a cell phone going off. Of course, the Stephen Hawking voice that NotesBuddy uses is pretty sweet.

Special Blog Bonus: Again, I refer you to look up MC Hawking online. I should also note that the link I have provided is for Google Music Search, which I've never seen before. Check it out!

As an added bonus, please enjoy this Far Side comic:

Workplace Safety

This site has gone 83 DAYS without a loss of work time due to injury.

Explanation: Sure, it helps that this happens to be a web site, but here are some pointers on how to avoid injuries at work:

1. Papercuts are a quiet killer. Refrain from handling paper with parts of your body containing major arteries.
   
2. When working hunched over a computer for 8 hours a day, it is important to take a five minute exercise break at least once a week.
   
3. Canadian geese are very aggressive during mating season. Stay clear of goose nests that may be on your worksite.
   
4. To thwart gun violence at work, carry a concealed weapon. Remember, more guns means more safety.
   
5. Emotional injuries can be even more harmful than physical injuries. Avoid caring about your job at all costs.
   
6. Office doors are very heavy. Do not whip one shut on your arm.
   
7. Posting a sign like today's status message is just asking employees to do something stupid. Refrain from doing so.
   
8. No matter how much the computer ticks you off, do not attempt to inflict violence on it. You are a computer professional. It is a large inanimate object. It will win.
   
9. Should you win an office basketball pool, stay clear of "free" food for several months afterward. Donut poisoning is the #7 cause of lost worktime among technical professionals.
   
10. Your mom and your fourth grade homeroom teacher told you not to tip your chair back for a reason.
    

Just Don't Try to Picture It

"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'" - Steven Wright

Explanation: Steven Wright stand-up is ripe for status message material.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's his act. Don't be surprised if you see more of this stuff later on.

Their Little Toolbelts are Cute

The gazebo in our backyard was sprayed on Friday for carpenter bees. Now there are poisoned bee carcasses all over the place. I saw some birds back there and thought they were eating the dead bees, and now I'm afraid that the birds might die from the poison. Then the cats from the neighborhood might end up eating the poisoned birds and dying. Next thing you know we'd have dogs being poisoned back there by the dead cats. It's not a good cycle. Anyway, long story short, if you see a bunch of dead horses in our backyard, now you'll know why.

Explanation: For those of you who grew up in Bosnia and may not be familiar with this song, here's a very rough approximation of how it goes:



Special Blog Bonus: It's Bumble Bee Man from the Simpsons!

Kareem!

From the archives:

I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.

Source: Airplane!

Explanation: Joey meets Roger Murdoch, the co-pilot of flight 209, as played by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Special Blog Bonus:



"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

EDITOR'S NOTE: We at Jeremy's Status Message find it really annoying that we can't have an exclamation point in the "Airplane" label on this post. This kind of thing frustrates us to no end.

Necks Are For Sheep

From the archives:

That Guy: "Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?"
Zoidberg: "Uh excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug?"
That Guy: "Gutsy question, you're a shark. Sharks are winners and they don't look back 'cause they don't have necks. Necks are for sheep. I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top of this industry"

Source: "That Guy" and Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama on both sides of an 80's business pep talk.

Special Blog Bonus: It's a tribute to Zoidberg! This particular interchange is at 3:13. You may notice other past and future status messages in here as well.

Good Luck, Kenny

"We must split up into two teams: Team A and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny. Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct. Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B, remember that's you Kenny, should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors here. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this window of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?"

Source: South Park.

Explanation: This is from the second part of the episode where we find out who Eric Cartman's father is. The episode begins with Dr. Mephisto about to reveal the answer when the lights go out. Mephisto is then shot. This is the plan for the effort to turn on the backup generator.

If you don't follow South Park, at this point in the show's life Kenny was killed in pretty much every episode. As "Team B" he certainly seemed to be heading in that direction again.

Special Blog Bonus: South Park themed Mac vs. PC commercial:

I Am a Human, and You Are a Cat. We Go Together...

I thought it was a nice touch on American Idol last night when all of the contestants did duets with M.C. Scat Cat in honor of Paula Abdul.

Explanation: If you didn't know, Paula Abdul actually performed in the Opposites Attract video with an animated cat. And it won the 1991 Grammy award for "Best Short Form Music Video." Good times!



Special Blog Contest: Come up with the punchline to this joke and add it as a comment to this post. I'll judge the best submission.

What's the only difference between Sanjaya and Barbaro?

Evil Jeremy, I Know You're Out There!

Did you ever think that somewhere out there there was an evil version of you? You know, someone just like you, but evil. Take me for example. Imagine what this world would be like if there was some other "Evil Jeremy" out there who was also in the computer industry, was a pop culture junkie, worked out, played volleyball, and had a Sametime status message that he updated every day. Oh, and just for kicks, he'd have to have a goatee, too. Wouldn't that be crazy? And what if it turned out that he was the good one and I was the evil one? Man, I just blew my mind.

Special Blog Bonus: Evil Jeremy, if you're out there, you're probably running some sort of Status Message Theme Week with anagrams or something. That's just the kind of thing an evil version of me would do. So here's some food for thought:

FELT PETS

Here's a Seinfeld clip from Bizarro world:



You can find audio of Bender from Futurama contemplating the existence of a Parallel Bender here. Listen to clip 3.

NASA Has Paid Less For Rockets

Good Idea: Signing Roger Clemens. Bad Idea: Signing Roger Clemens for $28 million.

Explanation: The Yankees signed the 44 year-old pitcher for an insane amount of money. Our crack research staff got in touch with the Rocket's agent and here's what we discovered...

Top Ten Best Clauses in Roger Clemens' New Contract:

10. Instead of a rosin bag, will use a crumpled up wad of $100 bills.
9. Will only pitch home games and road starts in Texas.
8. Special health incentive included for not pulling a hamstring or breaking a hip during starts.
7. In lieu of monthly $4.5 million payments, can request a $9,000 check to be hand-delivered by Jorge Posada after every pitch.
6. Will receive a special AARP discount on Yankee Stadium concessions.
5. Actual salary amount ends with "22" symbolizing the year he was born.
3. Mike Piazza hired as Yankee batboy/target for on-field debris.
2. "Rockets' red glare" during Yankee Stadium national anthems will now be replaced by "Rocket's 7 Cy Youngs"
1. Poor people like Alex Rodriguez are not allowed to ask him for money

Special Blog Bonus: Just for kicks, here's a "Good Idea, Bad Idea" clip from Animaniacs:

Don't Use His Name-o In Vain-o

B-I-N-G-O
B-I-N-G-O
B-I-N-G-O
And Bingo was his name-o!

Explanation: No joke, the following was the exciting conclusion to a song performed by the Cherub Choir (featuring my four-year-old nephew) at his church this Sunday:

J-E-S-U-S
J-E-S-U-S
J-E-S-U-S
And Jesus was his name-o!

While I was not present for the live performance, I actually think it was for the best, since my loud giggling would have probably stolen attention from the children and detracted from the reverent atmosphere of worship.

Further questioning revealed that there was no clapping involved in the song. Additional lyrics will be brought to your attention as I learn them.

I will now stop typing, because the temptation to compose my own worship music may become too great to contain.

Stupid Number Tricks!

From the archives:

Today is 1/23/4. Neat, isn't it? Look! Something shiny!

Explanation: Today is 5/6/7. And this post was from 1/23/4. So together, they form 1/23/45/6/7! I just blew my mind!

Special Blog Bonus: If that didn't blow your mind, behold the Chewbacca defense:



*If you're keeping track at home, 1/23/45/6/7 = 1/43470 ~ .000023

Happy Corona Day!

From the archives:

Joyeux cinq de Mai!

Explanation: Today is May 5th. El Cinco de Mayo. It's a Mexican holiday! And my message is in French!!! Why am I explaining this???

Double Special Blog Bonus: A Taco Bell commercial AND an armadillo in a sombrero. What a great day! Enjoy your Corona!

It Goes To Eleven (Times Five)

It's a totally different workout when the dumbbells go past 25 pounds.

Explanation: I used my new dumbbells last night. I've been handicapped for the past few months by not having enough weight to work with. Now I've been handicapped in a very different way by much heavier weights!

Special Blog Bonus:

My weights now go to 55. That's like going to eleven in increments of five:



EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the first time I've ever seen this clip from "This is Spinal Tap." It's odd when a piece of pop culture becomes part of your lexicon without you actually having witnessed it in person. We at Jeremy's Status Message strive to bring you (and ourselves) that pop culture so you can be in the dark no longer. See? It's an educational blog, too!

I've Gained Weights

Since work yesterday, I've accumulated one dollar and 510 pounds of iron. Not bad, huh?

Explanation: Big time winnings in poker last night! It's important to note that calling a 10 cent bet and raising 20 cents in Limit Hold 'Em is not, I repeat not, enough to muscle somebody with a full house out of a pot. Lesson learned.

As for the iron, I made a detour on my way home this morning in order to pick up 6 brand new pairs of dumbbells. None of them looked like this:

The Commute To My Home Office Is Easier

Telecommuting advantage #36: You never leave your laptop at home and realize it after driving 20 minutes to work.

Explanation: Self-explanatory. It's a bad way to start your day.

Special News Update: Marcus Vick was released by the Dolphins! Let the rush of potential suitors begin!

Three Hours In the Car And This Is the Best I Could Come Up With

I did 80. Sat longer than Quinn Brady.
I think maybe I listened to too much Slim Shady.
Surprised I saw sunrise, I got up too darned early.
At 5am on cable I saw Laverne and Shirley.

Source: I spent too much time in the car this morning listening to rap. This is loosely based on an Eminem song whose title isn't PC enough for this blog. The real lyrics go:

Slim Shady, brain dead like Jim Brady.
I'm a M80, you Lil' like that Kim lady.
I'm buzzin, Dirty Dozen, naughty rotten rhymer,
Cursin at you players worse than Marty Schottenheimer.

Admit it - any song that rhymes something with "Marty Schottenheimer" is a cool song.

Explanation: If you didn't know, Brady Quinn was the quarterback from Notre Dame who entered the draft this year. He expected to go very early and instead lasted until the 22nd pick. That means he sat for a very long time before he was picked. Technically, I didn't sit in the car that long this morning, but it felt like it! Also, technically I didn't watch TV this morning, but it rhymed and I thought it was funny.