Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Investment Advice

I just realized that accidentally dropping change behind my dresser is an investment strategy that has beaten Wall Street over the past several years.

Explanation: Yes, it's true. Don't believe it? Maybe this simple graph will help:

As you can see, my "change behind the dresser" scheme is a winning investment strategy.

As free advice to our readers, we at Jeremy's Status Message would like to suggest several other sound investment strategies in today's market:

  • Put your money in holes in your backyard. Keep an eye out for squirrels trying to eat away at your investments.
  • Keep your money under your mattress. We suggest you only do this with bills, as change can lead to an annoying jingling sound every time you lay down.
  • Drop your money in that crack between your carseat and center console that you just can't get your hand into no matter how hard you try.
  • Invest heavily in your favorite status message blog!
  • Burn money in your fireplace. Believe it or not, this is safer than investing in most major banks right now.
  • Please do allow ousted Nigerian politician access to your account of banking. They will deposit $10,000,000 American in there for safe keeping. You can trust them.
  • Spend, spend, spend until there's no more money left to lose. This is a great strategy, as you will most certainly be able to get an iPhone out of it.
  • Invest heavily in frozen concentrated orange juice futures. Trust us, we have a good feeling about this year's crop report.


Willie Y said...

It's funny you wrote about Nigerian banker, and I just got a email from there, asking me to help a poor person recover a lot of cash stuck in a bank account. Right after I finish this comment I am dashing off my bank account number and my social security number to this person whcih will make me some really easy money.

Jeremy said...

I agree about investing in your favourite Sametime Status Blag. That is a very sound investment in these troubling times.

Thason Jweatt said...

Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back on!