Investment Advice

I just realized that accidentally dropping change behind my dresser is an investment strategy that has beaten Wall Street over the past several years.

Explanation: Yes, it's true. Don't believe it? Maybe this simple graph will help:


As you can see, my "change behind the dresser" scheme is a winning investment strategy.

As free advice to our readers, we at Jeremy's Status Message would like to suggest several other sound investment strategies in today's market:

• Put your money in holes in your backyard. Keep an eye out for squirrels trying to eat away at your investments.
• Keep your money under your mattress. We suggest you only do this with bills, as change can lead to an annoying jingling sound every time you lay down.
• Drop your money in that crack between your carseat and center console that you just can't get your hand into no matter how hard you try.
• Invest heavily in your favorite status message blog!
• Burn money in your fireplace. Believe it or not, this is safer than investing in most major banks right now.
• Please do allow ousted Nigerian politician access to your account of banking. They will deposit $10,000,000 American in there for safe keeping. You can trust them.
• Spend, spend, spend until there's no more money left to lose. This is a great strategy, as you will most certainly be able to get an iPhone out of it.
• Invest heavily in frozen concentrated orange juice futures. Trust us, we have a good feeling about this year's crop report.