Better learn not to talk to me. You shake the tree, a leopard's gonna fall out on you.
Source: Kobe Bryant after game 2 against the Denver Nuggets in the first round of the 2008 NBA playoffs. Apparently Bryant took offense to the trash talk by Denver players.
Explanation: None necessary. I just like the image of somebody shaking a tree and a leopard falling on them.
Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side to help get you through your day:
"Measure twice, cut once" is a better motto than "Eyeball once, cut twice, curse thrice."
Explanation: For years and years, there was nothing I hated more than the two-hook picture frame. Even with a level and a ruler, I inevitably had three to five nail holes behind every hanging picture in my house. That has all changed with my new laser level. I hung some curtains this weekend and spent more time measuring than drilling. The final result was spectacular: totally level curtain rods exactly where they should be. Of course, we now know the house is crooked...
Special Blog Bonus: I stumbled across this quote yesterday:
"I don't think there's [any] reason for him to be suspended for the next game." - Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets, referring to the question of whether Jason Kidd's flagrant foul (for which he was ejected from game 3 of the series) deserved additional suspention.
See, this quote is amusing, because Paul is averaging 25 points and 11 assists (counting last night's game) in the series... while guarded by Kidd. If I was Chris Paul, I'd want Kidd to play, too.
If you're having dog problems, I feel bad for you son, 'cause I've got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.
Source: This is paraphrased from Jay-Z, only he didn't say "dog."
Important Note From the Editor: I can say "bitch" here because it is the appropriate term for a female dog. On my work status, I did not feel comfortable saying it, so it says "but Emma ain't one."
Explanation: After an entire week of adoring and doting on my parents' dog Emma, we gave her back yesterday. Keep in mind that a large percentage of our week was spent coaxing (and bribing) her up steps into the house because her arthritis makes it unpleasant for her. Anyway, my dad is out in our driveway getting the backseat of the car ready for her. He's setting up blankets for her and such. Emma, who is inside, darts to the front door and looks like she's ready to jump out of her skin. I let her outside, assuming that was the "I need the bathroom" dance, only instead of running to our lawn, she runs around to the other side of the car and jumps in. She JUMPED in! No goodbye. No "Thanks for all the biscuits and belly rubs." Just in the car and ready to go.
So, while the house is quieter without her snoring and more depressing without her excitement when I go downstairs, I figured I'd just focus on the things I won't miss, like the fur and the poop scooping.
Other Important Weekend Notes:
If my wife and I hung out with Snow White, we'd be Coughy and Itchy.
Explanation: Last Friday night, I had the brilliant idea to leave the bedroom windows open while we slept. The next morning, my wife woke up with a horrible sore throat and no voice. Apparently, her allergies are bad enough that the post-nasal drip generated by the allergens in the outside air just totally overwhelmed her. Since then, she's had quite an exciting cough.
Meanwhile, I have bits of plague all over my body. Last night, I was seriously considering taking a pair of scissors to the itchy spot on my neckline which always rubs against my shirt collar. Poison-whatever is just not fun.
So, if you see Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Gary Coleman, and Blitzen hanging out with two taller folks, now you know who they are.
Special Blog Bonus: Happy Birthday to Jim! In his honor, here's a mosaic of Jim at Cap de Formentor in Mallorca, created with our 2004 Spain vacation photos.
Based on forensic evidence, we believe the invasion begin on the left foot, where the left index toe, henceforth referred to as "Typohoid Piggy," came into direct contact with the perpetrator. At that point, contact was somehow made between that toe and the first kunckle of the left thumb - an odd connection, but given the host's level of dexterity, the only possibility. From there, the true magnitude of this crime revealed itself. Acting as a carrier, the thumb distributed the offending toxin to the back of the neck, the right side of the neck, and most perversely, just to the side of each eye. Meanwhile, Typhoid Piggy, shared the toxin with its larger neighbor, who had just returned from the market. Calamine lotion was applied to all offending locations at this point, but the damage had already been done.
Explanation: Poison ivy sucks. That's my explanation. Actually, based on what I found in my backyard today, it may actually be poison sumac. Regardless, itching is no fun, and I look like an idiot with this Calamine* lotion on my face.
*Actually it's Kalamina, direct from Spain, circa 2005 - the last time I got poison-anything. I bought it here if you're interested.
For the record, I have now used my new vacuum on carpet, tile, a bed, a futon, a couch, the kitchen table, and a labrador.
Explanation: As you may recall, the nice people at the window company bought us a new vacuum because they wrecked our old one and filled our house with glass. Sure, it works on all kinds of floors, but the other furniture is even more impressive. Because I was afraid to wipe the specks of glass off of the table (for fear of scratching the finish) I used the brush attatchment on the Dyson and sucked it clean. The bed, futon, and couch all were easy to clean because the brush attatchment has holes you can use to limit the suction and not pull your entire comforter into the vacuum. The most impressive piece of furniture I cleaned, however, was the hassock we are borrowing from our parents this week.
Emma's limited hearing ability combined with the vacuum's quiet operation convinced her that she was just being pet - something she is happy to encourage. For anyone out there with a shedding deaf labrador, this is the way to go.
Ladies and gentlemen, honored daughters, while Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you.
Source: Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
Explanation: The university recruits a child prodigy who is smarter than Sheldon. Sheldon decides it is pointless to continue his research and looks to assist his friends with their work. His friends successfully conspire to derail the prodigy (Mr. Kim) in order to get Sheldon off their back. As always, hilarity ensues.
Also from this episode:
Special Blog Bonus: What is that you're wearing? It's intoxicating...
From the archives:
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Explanation: Check it out - it's true!
From the archives:
Why is this night different from all other nights? On all other nights we drink only one glass of wine. On this night, four. Why do we drink four glasses of wine, you ask? Because we have to leave work early and drive two and a half freakin' hours through New Jersey rush hour traffic, just to spend an evening bickering with our family, while our grandparents tell us that we should be doing more with our lives, and frankly, we should be wearing a sweater. That's why.
Explanation: This was actually the oldest status message I have on record. Tonight is the first night of Passover. Though I was horribly wrong in my remembrance of the four questions, my large base of Jewish readership (Steve Ho, I'm looking in your direction) still found this message particularly amusing.
These days I live much closer to the seder, and with temperatures into the 80s today, hopefully nobody will ask me to wear a sweater. Hopefully.
Narcissus, party of one, your table is now available.
Explanation: This is probably more amusing to me than it will be to you, but it just seems to me that somebody who is narcissistic would rather eat with their favorite person. And who is more narcissistic than anyone? Narcissus, of course.
Special Blog Bonus: In honor of my parents' dog Emma, who is coming to visit us this weekend, here's a Far Side comic:
She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro.
Source: Zapp Brannigan from the Futurama episode Amazon Women in the Mood.
Explanation: After proclaiming that there's no restaurant he can't pilot, Brannigan crashes a restaurant into a planet of Amazonian women and, of course, hilarity ensues.
Special Blog Bonus: Let's get to the important stuff. LEGO Futurama!
First up, we have the "miniland" (the name for this genre) creations of Steve Bishop. If you follow the link, he has more than just Futurama, but it's all good stuff.
Next up is the offering from Matt De Lanoy, who has customized Futurama minifigs* in this creation:
Also of note are Matt's Star Wars creations.
*Tip of the hat to SpakKadi for reminding me to mention this.
Alligator left! Alligator left!
Explanation: During our trip to Florida, my wife and I visited the Loxahatchee National Wildlife Refuge, where we took an airboat ride. (If you're wondering, "Loxahatchee" derives from the Seminole word meaning "place where alligators eat tourists' children".) If you've never been on an airboat, there's really only one thing you need to know. The fan is loud. Everyone wears ear protectors, and as a result the tour guide can only shout brief instructions when the boat slows near something of note.
Well, as it turns out, airboat travels clockwise along a circular route, where the inside happens to be the only part of the Everglades without any alligators. As we drove, our guide just kept yelling "Alligator left! Alligator left!" As you might have guessed, I was seated on the right of the boat. Oh well. At one point our driver managed to mistakenly maneuver us so an alligator was in front of the boat. I snapped this picture around the person's head in front of me:
To maintain their body heat, most of the alligators were just resting in the sun, which rendered them slightly less active than the floating mud that my shipmates frantically snapped photos of when our tour started.
There's no place like Florida. There's no place like Florida. There's no place like Florida... Crap.
Explanation: I'm clicking my heels together as much as I can over here, but I still appear to be stuck at my desk. Oh well. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain this "Bronze God" look that I have going until the weather cracks 70 again.
Well, I'd be lying if I said it was good to be back, but it is fun to post again. There's more about my vacation to come. Today, however, I'll be reading lots of email and recalling from tape. Woo-hoo!
Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:
I shall return.
Famous Person: American general Douglas MacArthur, who famously proclaimed:
The President of the United States ordered me to break through the Japanese lines and proceed from Corregidor to Australia for the purpose, as I understand it, of organizing the American offensive against Japan, a primary objective of which is the relief of the Philippines. I came through and I shall return.
Explanation: This is particularly important today because the headmaster of my wife's school has ordered her to send her students away for one week for the purpose, as I understand it, of giving the faculty of the school an opportunity to regain their sanity, a primary feature of which will be our trip to a sunny and beautiful locale. We're running away and we may return.
We at Jeremy's Status Message apologize for any inconvenience this causes, but there will be no posts until April 14th, at which point there will most likely be numerous posts about sunburn and sand in our suitcases.
This status message is kosher for Passover.
Explanation: The internet brings with it new challenges for those who wish to keep with Jewish law. We at Jeremy's Status Message are proud to proclaim that today's message is kosher for Passover.
You may think it is quite simple to proclaim a status message as kosher for Passover, but it most certainly is not. I cannot mention bacon. Shellfish are strictly not allowed. A rabbi must examine the creation process to assure readers that the content is indeed kosher. Any animals mentioned in this status message must be killed in accordance with Jewish law. Fruits and vegetables are permitted, but must be inspected for bugs. This status message cannot contain both meat and dairy. There are so many rules, but in the end, just know that you can enjoy this message on Passover without any guilt whatsoever. So, what, are you too important to call your grandmother once in a while?
Important Update: Thanks to the good people at the window company, we are now the proud new owners of a Dyson D14 vacuum cleaner. If you felt a strong suction last night, that was me cleaning up the broken glass all over our house.
Walkin' on, walkin' on broken glass.
Source: Technically these are the lyrics to an Annie Lennox song.
Explanation: In reality, these are the lyrics to my life. The second half of our windows were installed yesterday and our installation crew was not nearly as competent as the crew that did the first half last summer. As a result, I have to wear shoes inside at all times until the new crew (we requested that yesterday's crew never set foot in our house again) finishes up today.
Why was yesterday's crew incompetent, you ask? They took out 13 windows, breaking most of them, AND DID NOT BRING A SHOP VAC. One of the crew members did a rapid cleanup job using our vacuum from the hall closet. He did not ask to use the vacuum. He did not ask to look in our closet. He just took it. To the best of my knowledge, my cheap Hoover is not designed to suck up large chunks of glass and metal. As a result, the good people at the window company are buying us the best damned vacuum we can find.* There's more, but hopefully the new improved crew, courtesy of the nice customer service gentleman who visited our house last night, will make everything right.
Did I mention that my wife stepped on a small piece of glass in the shower this morning? If you're keeping track at home (and we are) that takes the "where we found broken glass" list up to: the driveway, the kitchen, the upstairs hallway, the love seat, and the shower.
*If anyone has any suggestions on what we should get, feel free to post them. I'm guessing our new vacuum will be in the $300-$400 range. I have also considered the carpet zambonis they use at work, but it would be tough to do the steps with one.
Ha Ha! April Fools!
Explanation: I'm just smugly enjoying the satisfaction that on this day, April 1st, I have suckered you into reading my status message. You were looking for some wholesome entertainment for the whole family, and instead you fell for my ingenious prank. I can't believe you're so gullible. You fell hook line and sinker. Now, if you'll excuse me, I heard on the radio this morning that an unexpected supply shortage has caused the price of gas to go up to $5 a gallon, so I have to go to my local gas station before they change the price. I hope it isn't too late!
I remember on April 1, 1996 when Taco Bell took out the following full page ad in the New York Times:
It was right in the middle of era where sports stadiums and bowl games were all being renamed for their sponsors, and I totally fell for this one when I heard it on the evening news. Damn you, Dan Rather!!!
Special Blog Bonus: The Brothers Brick, my favorite LEGO blog seems to have lowered their standards a bit today. I should see if I can get one of my own creations on there now that I have a chance.
