When in Doubt, Trust a Fun-gineer

From the archives:

"We're whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon, but there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing our whaling tune!"

Source: Futurama

Explanation: The following clip is self-explanatory. Just keep in mind that Futurama takes place a thousand years in the future, while Fry is from the 20th century. Oh, and a thousand years in the future, the moon is an amusement park. And if you still don't get it? Consider going back to school and getting yourself a fun-gineering degree.

Eschew Obfuscation

Eschew Obfuscation

Source: A T-Shirt from the ComputerGear catalog.

Explanation: If you need an explanation, look it up.

Check out Computer Gear:



Or link directly to this T-shirt.

Special Blog Bonus: Code from the International Obfuscated C Code Contest, which is always fun. Look for the winning entries. Here is a sample entry of truly self-documenting code which will add two positive integers. Remember, this code will compile with an ANSI C Compiler.

Another good one is here. It's quite fun to read. (Note that (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types!) The program is a "Picking the Daisy" simulation.

It Works With Every Luke, Luke

I wonder what ever happened to Luc Longley.

Source: These are the exact words my wife said this weekend.

Explanation: In case you didn't know, Luc Longley played the role of big doofy white guy for the Chicago Bulls from 1994-1998. While this comment did come totally out of left field, it's worth noting that Sarah was obsessed with Michael Jordan for several years during her adolescence, hence her knowledge of obscure Australian basketball players.

Editor's Note: You may want to wear sunglasses before looking at the whiteness depicted in the following photograph.


Multiple Choice: Luc Longley is now...

A) An SUV roof specialist at a car wash in a suburb of Chicago
B) Starring in the new Animal Planet show, The Giraffe Hunter
C) Sitting in an Outback steakhouse somewhere, having a beer with Paul Hogan
D) Who cares? It's freakin' Luc Longley!

(If you guessed secret answer E, you are correct! Luc is currently filming a reality show with Will Perdue and Bill Wennington)

Special Blog Bonus: I'm suddenly reminded of the Saturday Night Live when Luke Perry hosted (which I shall now try to quote from memory):

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Phil Hartman): Luke. Use the Force, Luke.
Luke Perry: You must be confused, I'm Luke Perry, not Luke Skywalker.
Obi-Wan: It works with every Luke, Luke.

As you can see, I can barely find any trace of it on the internet, so instead, here's a picture of Sideshow Luke Perry:

Real American Heroes

Bud Light presents Real American Heroes. Today we salute you, Mr. Drunken West Virginia Fan on the 12:42 AM Train to Trenton.

You somehow manage to get drunk out of your mind at a five hour event where alcohol is not served. You loudly rant about how pathetic Air Force is, even though you didn't play them and you're not sure if their academy is in Maryland or Texas. You discuss graphic sexual acts at a volume high enough to disturb people on passing trains. Some might say you would sober up a bit along the way, but you just get louder and louder. So crack open a nice cold Bud Light, Drunken West Virginia Fan, and get yourself prepared for the NIT of life... if you qualify.

Explanation: Actually, this guy managed to keep me awake and (somewhat) amused for an hour and a half on the ride home. I didn't fall asleep and miss my stop thanks to this Real American Hero.

Special Blog Bonus: Check out a collection of actual Bud Light radio spots here.

Exciting Answers to Yesterday's Questions: Not sure. No. Yes, except for one guy who got a terrible nosebleed. Quite well for thirty-nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds. Barbecue. Nobody knows, but if you wear a lot of purple, nobody notices the orange, and vice versa. Nobody got Pittsnogled - they didn't serve alcohol. Yes. Otto weirds out the selection committee. Probably. They're both pretty small. Does he read at all? If so, I hope he doesn't read my previous answer. There was a third-place game?

Just Like the Big Dance, Only Smaller

What do Air Force, Clemson, Mississippi State, and West Virginia have in common?

Answer: None of them made the NCAA Tournament!

Explanation: We're going to the NIT Semifinals at Madison Square Garden tonight! This is the night all of our questions are answered! Will the underdogs pull out victories? Will we figure out who the underdogs are? Can Air Force deal with the low altitude? How will Mississippi State deal with the big city atmosphere? What will we eat for dinner? Why on earth does Clemson wear orange and purple? Will West Virginia get Pittsnogled? Did I spell "Pittsnogled" right? Why didn't Syracuse get an NCAA Tournament bid? Are there NIT tournament pools? Are they bigger or smaller than West Virginian gene pools? Does Phil Phister read my blog? Will he hurt me because of that gene pool comment? Does anyone miss the third-place game?

Exciting answers coming tomorrow!!!

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of the NIT, here's the ugly stepsister from Shrek:

I'll Pass On the Feminist Art Next Time, Thanks

Just for the record, baby butterflies are called pupae.

Explanation: I went with my mom to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens on Friday. After visiting the gardens we walked through the Brooklyn Museum, which happens to have the Center for Feminist Art on the fourth floor. The Dinner Party is a work by Judy Chicago which depicts place settings for 39 famous women at a large triangular table. In a description of the plates, I saw "butterflies" and a second word ending in the latin pluralization "-ae" and, knowing full well what it meant, hoped against hope that it was the word for butterflies before they're butterflies. It wasn't.

Special Blog Bonus: Behold, the chalice, symbol of the sacred feminine:


Wait, that's not the sacred feminine - it's Rosie O'Donnell. We appear to be experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Boggle!

From the archives:

I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher. I get eleven points on the word "quagmire".

Source: Beastie Boys' song Putting Shame in Your Game off of the album Hello Nasty.

Explanation: Only the Beastie Boys would have a lyric about Boggle. And under normal Boggle rules (I just double checked them), you get 11 points for a word with eight or more letters. Even though "Qu" is on one tile, you still get a point for each letter.

Special Blog Bonus: Give it a go! You get three minutes. See the answers by looking here and then scrolling down.

It's Like a Peacock With No Color!

From the archives:

Can you think of an animal more depressing than an albino peacock?

Source: This is original material. You can only get this kind of stuff here at Jeremy's Status Message. And we value your patronage.

Special Blog Bonus: An actual photo of an albino peacock:


And to answer my own question, an albino peacock in the snow would be more depressing.

Half Off! Today Only!

From the archives:

In honor of my half day today, I am only going to write

Explanation: I'm actually taking a full day off today, but this was 50% more appropriate than any other status message I could find.

This is a more traditional status message, so I'm going to add a "Traditional" label just for kicks.

Special Blog Bonus: A poem to commemmorate the occasion:

Roses are
Violets
I'm not
But you

Dirk's Horoscope

Today you will meet a three-ton rhinoceros called Desmond.

Source: The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams.

Explanation: This was Dirk Gently's horoscope. Here's a larger exerpt:

"He even consulted his own horoscope in one of the papers, the one written by a disreputable friend of his who toiled unscrupulously under the name of The Great Zaganza. First he glanced at some of the entries under other birth signs, just to get a feel for the kind of mood the GZ was in. Mellow, it seemed, at first sight. ‘Your ability to take the long view will help you through some of the minor difficulties you experience when Mercury...’, ‘Past weeks have strained your patience, but new possibilities will now start to emerge as the sun...’, ‘Beware of allowing others to take advantage of your good nature. Resolve will be especially called for when...’. Boring, humdrum stuff. He read his own horoscope. ‘Today you will meet a three-ton rhinoceros called Desmond.’”

Eternity, by Woody Allen (Like Calvin Klein, But the Exact Opposite)

"Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."

Source: Woody Allen

Explanation: I actually found this quote when Stephen Hawking used it in a speech about the origins of the universe. A Realplayer stream of the speech can be found here.

Special Blog Bonus: It's a shame the MC Hawking web site doesn't have MP3s on it anymore. Some quality, quality stuff. Instead, please enjoy this mug shot of Stephen Hawking:


Here's a link to Stephen Hawking's web site.

Now We Know Why It Crossed the Road

"Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken, and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So who's having sex with the hen?"

Source: Frank Costanza from Seinfeld at a dinner table with George's future inlaws shortly after meeting them for the first time.

Explanation: I got a phone call the other day from someone asking me to help settle an argument about a very similar topic involving chickens, hens, and eggs.



Editor's Note: Jeremy's Status Message promises to get no more risqué than chicken sex. This is the worst you'll see. We promise. You can trust us.

Hooray For Edward!

Bronco sighting this weekend! Edward is fulfilling his plowing destiny!

Explanation: Edward (my old Eddie Bauer Ford Bronco) was officially sighted in Staatsburgh, New York this weekend. Jim reported visual confirmation of both the seagull dent above the driver's side of the windshield and VT sticker in the back window, but now with a new feature - a snowplow! Sure, the JER VT and DOMINATE plates have been retired, but he's fulfulling his plowing destiny. I'm so happy for him!

The Rolled-Up Newspaper of Justice

From the archives:

"Y'know, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin, but you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of justice! Bad dog! Bad dog! And you don't do it for money. No! You do it for love! You know, I've learned something this week… on justice and on friendship, there is no price. But there are established credit limits."

Source: The Tick. The Tick was a cartoon superhero (and very briefly played by Patrick Warburton on Fox) who liked long rambling monologues like this. He wasn't too bright, but he was nigh invulnerable, so that was something. Incidentally, the episode I'm quoting did involve Joseph Stalin and a man-eating cow.

Special Blog Bonus: The man-eating cow (Click for a sound byte):

Randomness

From the archives:

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

Source: Taken from a T-shirt in the Computer Gear catalog.

Check out Computer Gear:



Or link directly to this T-shirt.

The Ghost of Ace Custis

And the Hokies hit the court tonight,
At 7 P.M. vs Illinois in Columbus.
I'll be on Google's internet site,
Searchin' for the ghost of Ace Custis.

Source: Rage Against the Machine's song The Ghost of Tom Joad. Yes, I know it's a Springsteen cover, but I never would have known the song lyrics if Rage didn't have a version.

Explanation: Virginia Tech starts their NCAA tournament off in the West bracket as a 5-seed against 12-seed Illinois tonight at 7:00. For those of you keeping track at home, our mascot is the Hokie Bird and their mascot is... oh, that's right - they don't have a mascot anymore.

Ace Custis was the best player on Virginia Tech back when I was in school. We always thought it was a little odd that he just sort of showed up with the nickname "Ace" and a giant ace of spades tattooed on his arm, but then again, he was good, so we cut him some slack. Come to think of it, I have no idea if Ace was actually his real name. I'll have to do some research on that. Virginia Tech retired his jersey in 1997.

Today's Status Message, Take Two

Editors Note: So, I like the Grisham quote, but this message is more appropriate for a status message, so I'm using it instead.

Beware the Ides of March Madness.

Source: William Shakespeare. Wow, I feel so cultured.

Explanation: Today is the first day of the NCAA Tournament (a.k.a. "March Madness"). It's also the 15th of March. Et tu Dick Vitale?

Special Blog Bonus: As a special bonus to my readers, I will NOT throw together a toga picture of Dick Vitale in Photoshop. You can thank me later. Toga! Toga! Toga!

Hey You With the White Cane! What Are You Looking At?

"Ginger looked at the jury and waited for His Honor to greet them, which he did. Most of the jurors nodded and smiled at the Judge, then all of them, every one of them including the blind man, turned and stared directly at her. A couple had smiles, but most seemed rather perturbed about something. She looked away."

Source: John Grisham's The Runaway Jury.

Explanation: An exerpt from the book which I just thought was funny. The blind juror had been told to just look to ten o'clock, which resulted in the desired effect.

Florida A&M Danced With Too Much Thumb Action Anyway

Great. Now that Niagara won, I have to rework my bracket again.

Explanation: Some idiot a few years back decided that the number of at-large bids to the NCAA men's basketball tournament should remain constant. So, when a new conference was added to the mix, the total number of teams was increased from 64 to 65 and a play-in game was added. Two average teams from mid-major conferences play for the honor of being destroyed by a top seed two days later. Most NCAA Tournament pools consider the winner of this game irrelevant. This year, Niagara topped Florida A&M for this honor. Welcome to the Big Dance, Niagara! Kansas awaits!

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of the Big Dance, here's Elaine Benes dancing:

You Want Me On That Exit Row. You Need Me On That Exit Row!

Son, we fly on planes that have exit rows, and those exit rows have to be manned by people with long legs. Who's gonna do it? You? You, that 5'1" woman who checked in before me? I have longer legs than you could possibly fathom. You weep for your lost legroom, and you curse tall people. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of fitting under your tray table. The seat in front of you, when reclined, does not crush your legs. And my presence in that exit row, while frustrating and aggravating to you, saves legs. You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you haven't stowed your carry-on bag, you want me in that exit row. You need me in that exit row.

Source: Jack Nicholson's "You Can't Handle the Truth" speech in A Few Good Men

Explanation: Through some freak coincidence and no prodding of our own, my wife and I got exit row seating on both flights to and from Florida this weekend.



And, for added fun, don't forget about LEGO Jack Nicholson.

The Judicial Branch: It Rules

From the archives: (Vacation Day)

How many of the nine Supreme Court justices can you name? How many of the nine members of the Brady Bunch can you name? What does that say about you?

Source: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (the Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, Chapter 5: The Judicial Branch: It Rules.

Explanation: This is the first of the "Discussion Questions" at the end of the chapter. Also included are the following:

• At what point during a typical Supreme Court hearing is it most appropriate to leap to your feet and shout, "I'm out of order?!? This whole court's out of order!"
  
• Name five differences between a gavel and an ordinary hammer.
  
• If the current justices of the Supreme Court were a baseball team, which position would each one play? What position would each play if they were a cricket team, not counting the wicketkeeper and the bowler? Which justice, past or present, do you think would make the best deep mid-wicket?
  
• Separation of church and state is one of the fundamental principles of our government, yet court witnesses are required to swear on The Bible. Justify this.
  

This book is freakin' brilliant. You should read it.

Hoover's Paradox

From the archives:

Hoover's paradox: The inability of a vacuum cleaner to clean itself.

Source: This is original material. It was born from some combination of vacuum usage and having recently heard about a famous paradox which I was unfamiliar with. Doesn't matter. It still makes me giggle.

The Nether-Netherlands

From the archives:

"There are two types of people I hate in this world. Those who are intolerant of other people's culture, and the Dutch!"

Source: Austin Powers, from Goldmember.

Explanation: Apparently Austin Powers has some issues with Dutch people.



Disclaimer: We at Jeremy's Sametime Status Message blog have no complaints about the hardworking indigenous people of Dutchland.

A Flying Pickup Truck

"No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck."

Source: From the Airport '07 episode of The Family Guy

Explanation: Glen Quagmire loses his job as a pilot because his plane runs out of fuel and crashes in a field. He says this in an extremely sarcastic response to Peter (who put the plane's fuel in his pickup truck) when Peter says "Boy, Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired you. I feel like this is partially my fault."

Special Blog Bonus: There is a lot of video for this episode on YouTube, but sadly, most of the clips are inappropriate for this blog. So, I give you Peter's dream of flying his pickup truck:

LEGO Jack Nicholson

I saw The Departed the other night. I'm not saying it was a violent movie, but I was rather surprised that I made it through the whole thing without being shot.

Explanation: Unfortunately, I can't explain much without spoiling the movie. So, I won't. Instead, please enjoy the LEGO Jack Nicholson I created:



Special Blog Bonus: Build your own LEGO people here. OK, so maybe I used Photoshop, too.

Topwise!

"Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!"

Source: The Simpsons. When trapped at home during a hurricane, the Simpsons try to take their minds off the storm. Marge is working a Rubik's cube and everyone is yelling directions at her. Bart yells the above. The entire episode text can be found here.

Explanation: I found the following video online and watched it several times. Every time I got to Step 3, I just couldn't make any sense out of what the guy is telling me. I could totally hear Bart yelling "Topwise!"




Special Blog Bonus: Play with a Rubik's Cube online. I have added this link to "Daily Distractions" on the right.

The Only 1,366 Pieces Missing From My Life

I was just happily walking through life, not realizing the emptiness inside me until last night, when at Target, I stumbled upon the $100 LEGO Star Wars Imperial Star Destroyer, complete with nine mini LEGO action figures, including LEGO Darth Vader, two LEGO Stormtroopers, and my personal favorite, LEGO Grand Moff Tarkin! How have I survived this long without it? How am I going to make it through the day??? I think I need to join a support group.

Explanation: None necessary.

The only 1,366 pieces missing from my life:


The grandest Moff of them all:


Special Blog Bonus: LEGO Boba Fett

Revisiting "Duck, Duck, Goose"

...duck, duck, duck, duck, GOOSE!!!

Explanation: At a family game night this weekend, my four year old nephew asked to play "Duck, Duck, Goose" and we obliged. It turns out to be a much more interesting game when six of the seven participants are above age 28.

Milton on the Beach

From the archives:

"Excuse me, señor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a Mai Tai and they brought me a Piña Colada? And I said 'No salt' NO SALT for the Margarita, but it had salt on it."

Source: This is a quote from the movie Office Space. If you have not seen it yet and you work in the computer industry, you absolutely must see it.

Explanation: Milton Waddams, the really squirrely guy, is complaining while sitting in a lounge chair on the beach at a resort. He then threatens to put strychnine in their guacamole.

Special Blog Bonus: Audio of this clip.

Agoraphobia

From the archives:

I bet agoraphobics are cheap dates. "Hey - do you want to go out tonight or just order something in?"

Source: This is a Jeremy original. I came up with this on a day when I was feeling particularly clever.

Explanation: Agoraphobics are afraid of open or public places, if you didn't know. You probably did, though.

A Haiku For You

Watching white moon face;
The stars never feel anger;
Blah, blah, blah, the end.

Source: The Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.

Explanation: This is one of the haiku composed by the narrator:

"Until today, it really pissed me off that I'd become this totally centered Zen Master and nobody had noticed. Still, I'm doing the little FAX thing. I write little HAIKU things and FAX them around to everyone. When I pass people in the hall at work, I get totally ZEN right in everyone's hostile little FACE." Strange book, but if you've seen the movie, it makes more sense.

You can see (and search inside) the book at Amazon.com by clicking below:

Wrestling Recap

I caught the recent professional wrestling event on Monday night. Here's a recap in case you missed it: It appears the hideously ugly overweight and heavily tattooed crazy man may have met his match in an even larger, freakishly muscled man. The guy in the suit who doesn't wrestle still managed to stir things up. That wrestler guy who came into the ring with a scantily clad surgically enhanced escort soundly defeated the guy who the announcers didn't really talk about much. Someone got hit over the head with a chair. In the tag team title fight, the referee somehow was knocked unconscious for a portion of the match. It also appears that there may be some animosity between two of the prominent tag team fighters. Oh, there's also an extremely large man with a pituitary problem who other wrestlers really don't know what to do with. And most importantly, Wrestlemania is approaching! There. Aren't you glad to be all caught up now?

Source: My description of Monday night's WWE Raw event.

Explanation: This is the first time I've really watched any professional wrestling in about 20 years. Absolutely nothing has changed... well, except Shawn Michaels is 20 years older.

Special Blog Bonus: Looking for more information about the surgically enhanced escort? Tough. Instead, here's a sweet picture of Andre the Giant and Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.