This Sangria Sure is Yummy!

Prison ain't so bad. You can make sangria in the toilet. Of course, it's shank or be shanked...

Source: Scruffy from Futurama. Well, technically Scruffy said "turlet", but I figured it would be more understandable this way. This is from the 300 Big Boys episode, where Scruffy spent his $300 from the government on "one of them $300 haircuts". Scruffy doesn't appear much, but when he does, it's quality.

Special Blog Bonus: Today it's time to explore the LEGO "Cafe Corner" set.


While it is quite the cool set in itself, builders seem fascinated in tinkering with or modifying its design. Here are a few examples:

• Dreary
• Microscale
• Skyscraper
• Bigger Skyscraper
• Dilapidated
• As owned by the Empire
• As owned by dwarves

And Don't Forget: Happy Leap Day!* We at Jeremy's Status Message promised you this year would be bigger than last, and we're delivering on our promise!

*To that jerkwad from volleyball last night, go take a leap!

BOGO, Yo.

You know what they say: "BOGOs before BOGOHOs".

Source: This is based on a popular expression which has found its way into the media lately. I acually heard an ESPN commentator (female, of course) say "bros before ladies" on the air. That's pretty close. She did say she was cleaning it up a bit.

Explanation: I'm sick of the bastardization of the BOGO. BOGO means "Buy one, get one." It's as simple as that. When I go to Burger King with a "Buy one Whopper, get one free" coupon, it is a BOGO. I pay for a single item and as a result of the offer, I receive a second item for free. It's that simple.

There is a local retailer advertising "BOGO" this and "BOGO" that. They love to say BOGO. They've really helped bring BOGO into the mainstream, but their deal is not BOGO. It's "Buy one, get one half off." That, my friends, is not BOGO, it's BOGOHO. (Or in the case of shoes, it's BTGO)

Special Blog Bonus: To get your mind off of this, I suggest you build a LEGO Rubik's Cube.

Skynet, Brought to You by IBM

Give me a place to sit (and enough Mountain Dew and pretzels) and I shall code the world!

Source: This is based on the quote attributed to Archimedes, who, upon discovering the simple lever, proclaimed "Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth!"

Explanation: I saw an article on IBM's Kittyhawk project, where their goal is to explore the creation of "a global-scale shared computer capable of hosting the entire Internet as an application". Interestingly, every online discussion I could find about it involved the world "Skynet".* Anyway, I figure we can take it a step further and just run the whole Earth on it. I just need a place to sit...

Special Blog Bonus: I feel obligated to inform everyone that Busted Tees is having a one-day sale today. I'm seriously considering getting a Vandelay Industries shirt.

*By the way, if you feel so inclined, a YouTube search for "Terminator 2 nuclear explosion" will give you an excellent (and disturbing) glimpse into Skynet's capabilities.

Margin of Error = +/- 100%

43 percent of all statistics are made up.

Explanation: It's true! I read this as the result of a study, which also surveyed a large number of statisticians and found that 45 percent of them are liars. The study also demonstrated that 81 percent of study findings are incorrect.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of studies, here is a Far Side for you:

Status of the Famous: Dan Brown

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

OH WINK FORGER MOM, O ONLY IN MY GREMLIN

Famous Person: Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code.

Explanation: If you've read anything by Dan Brown, you know that he is a puzzle junkie, especially when it comes to anagrams. You may recall "O DRACONIAN DEVIL, OH LAME SAINT" from The Da Vinci Code which anagrammed to "LEONARDO DA VINCI, THE MONA LISA" and started Robert Langdon on an exciting adventure. If you don't recall that, you are probably the one person on this planet who has not read the book.

As for today's message, "OH WINK FORGER MOM, O ONLY IN MY GREMLIN" anagrams to "WORKING FROM HOME, ROLLING IN MY MONEY". Writing a bestseller has its perks.

Tank Beats Rock

From the archives:

Caption from a CNN.com photo: "A Palestinian throws a rock at an Israeli tank in the West Bank town of Nablus today." A noble gesture, but as I recall, scissors beats paper, rock beats scissors, and tank beats rock.

Explanation: This one pretty much explains itself, but if you need a more vivid image, then this picture might drive the point home:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!!

From the archives:

"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing."

Source: The Visa episode of Seinfeld

Explanation: While out to dinner, George tells Jerry to not be funny so his girlfriend won't think Jerry is funnier than he is. Jerry responds by deadpanning this monologue when George's date returns to the table.

More Importantly: Happy Birthday to us!

One year ago today, the internet welcomed a bouncing baby blog to its ranks. Have some LEGO cake to celebrate with us!*



In celebration of our birthday, the posts for last weekend are finally up! (here and here)

We at Jeremy's Status Message thank you for readership and support during our first year. Stay tuned for a bigger, better year ahead! Well, only one day bigger, but still...

*We look like a monkey and we smell like one too.

A Snowy Haiku

Haiku Friday returns!

Working from home stinks.
No matter what the weather,
I don't get snow days.

Explanation: Days like today are no fun for the telecommuter. I always work from home. This is not a big deal. My home office carries on as always. Meanwhile, my coworkers in the blustery north are out shoveling all day, while my wife is home from school, sleeping in just to spite me. The neighborhood kids will soon be outside my window, frolicking in the snow (and most likely in my yard, as well). Maybe I'll take a break at some point, go outside with the shovel, and beat a few of them senseless. That'll be fun.

Special Blog Bonus: First, here's a follow-up on yesterday's Shannon Doherty post. I said the picture was Photoshoppable. Here's proof:

The first picture is the original. The second is my Photoshop attempt to make her normal. The next comes compliments of Willie, and the last is from my dad. They're both retired. I have no excuse.

But that's not all! Make sure you go to eBay today and bid on the Virgin Mary pretzel. Just for the record, instead of shelling out five grand for this one, I'll happily make you a life-size Virgin Mary out of pretzel sticks for a mere $1000. For $2000, I'll make it out of Philadelphia-style soft pretzels. You can't beat that deal! Buy now!

Go, Bubba, Go!

You know what you did, Luke Perry.

Source: This gem comes courtesy of Bubba's Blacklist. I have to give credit where credit is due.

Explanation: Some things you just have to read for yourself. If you can explain it, more power to you. Personally, I'm partial to the one about the hunter.

So, back in college, we watched 90210 for a while. I'll admit it. But no, I never had the Jason Priestley haircut.


Actually, whether it was 90210 or not, every time Shannon Doherty was on our television screen, a roommate of mine would exclaim "Look at her! One eye is like four inches lower than the other!!!" That measurement actually grew larger over time (like the fish I caught that one time) but the gist of the message was the same. Anyway, over ten years later and it still sticks with me.

YOU MAKE THE CALL: How much lower is one of Shannon Doherty's eyes than the other?

Status of the Famous: Albert Einstein

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

Einstein = Morning Conference Call

Famous Person: Albert Einstein, of course.

Explanation: Well, I certainly hope you don't need a full explanation for this one, but I'll give one anyway. The status implies that Einstein is on his morning conference call. BUT, Einstein was a creative guy, so his message also implies that E equals M C squared, which is pretty much the only thing most people know about him.

I'm reminded by the famous quote by football commentator Joe Theismann, who once said, "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Special Blog Bonus: It's the Einstein action figure! I have one which I used to proudly display in my office.*


*I actually had it hanging on the wall, still in its package, because it was more funny that way.

Reflection on Genuflection

People just don't genuflect like they used to.

Explanation: The other day I heard the word "genuflect" used and I realized that it has been a long time since I've heard it before. Frankly, I think the world is going to pot and people should really be showing more reverence than they do. I can't remember the last time I was bowed to. What's the deal, people? Do I not deserve the simple respect of being bowed to and called "Your Majesty" or "Your Highness"? How about "Your Holy Statusness"? I have a ring. You may kiss it if you wish. All I'm asking for is a little respect. Yeah baby. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take care, TCB. Oh, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, a little respect. Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, whoa babe, just a little bit. A little respect, just a little bit. I get tired just a little bit. Keep on trying just a little bit. You're running out of foolin' just a little bit. And I ain't lyin' just a little bit. The world would be more special if more people would genuflect once in a while. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinemann boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to Kaye Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard. This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have ... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Special Blog Bonus: Don't get it? Neither do I! Let's just have a good laugh and enjoy a Far Side about cows:

Mmmm... Donuts

Why are there "Nutrition Facts" on a giant box of Entenmann's donuts?

Explanation: Hey, I love the donuts as much as anyone, but if you're even considering their nutritional information, you shouldn't be buying donuts in the first place.


I made the mistake of reading the nutritional information on the box as I wolfed down a couple this weekend, and it almost ruined my donut eating experience. Almost.

EDITOR'S NOTE: As you probably noticed, I was out of town this weekend, and as a result there are no posts. I will backfill them today sometime.

Life's Little Lesson #114

From the archives:

Life's Little Lesson #114: No matter how strong you are, it's still not smart to run with a refrigerator on your back.

Explanation: I came up with this gem after seeing somebody sustain a catastrophic knee injury during a strongman competition on television. I will make no effort to search for video of the event since I'm really not into that sort of thing, but I did feel like this piece of advice was worth passing on.

Just for the record, it is also not wise to arm wrestle with a man who A) used to arm wrestle competitively and B) is widely considered to have the world's strongest arms.

Poll Findings Made Simple

From the archives:

Such public reactions to Gallup-poll findings are typical, Mallock said. "We often see a desire to acquiesce among survey participants," polling-analysis analyst Tamara Bello-Dockett said. "There's a pendulum effect to the feedback loop generated by the see-saw aspect of how people form their opinions about their perceptions of others' beliefs. This does make it somewhat difficult for us to know exactly what the American people are actually saying about how the public is feeling about popular thinking, if you see what I mean."

Source: This was from an article in The Onion entitled "85 Percent of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell in Last Month".

Special Blog Bonus: Some people say The Onion contains content unsuitable for my readers' delicate sensibilities. I agree, but for the brave, this article is awfully funny.

A Pearl of Wisdom

From the archives:

Never suggest to your wife that February 15th, a pay day, is better than February 14th.

Explanation: This is a pearl of wisdom from a couple years ago. We at Jeremy's Status Message suggest that you don't make the same mistake we did.

It's Always Hallmark Season

Hallmark reminds you today that there are only 87 shopping days until Mother's Day.

Explanation: Today is the end of Valentine's season at Hallmark. There are really just five seasons at Hallmark:

1. Valentine's Season
2. Mother's Day Season (Sorry, dads)
3. Summer vacation
4. Halloween season
5. Christmas season

As you may have noticed over time, Hallmark dislikes the summer vacation season and is slowly trying to move Halloween earlier. While Halloween season traditionally starts in September and ends on October 31st, Hallmark has moved the whole thing earlier. Halloween season at Hallmark now starts in August and gives way to Christmas season in mid-October, with absolutely no regard for when Halloween actually falls on the calendar.

Anyway, Valentine's season is over. Start preparing for Mother's Day! (If you have an Oedipus complex, this is a very busy shopping season for you.)

Let it Rain! Let it Rain! Let it Rain!

Oh the weather outside is dreary,
It's kind of hard to be cheery.
But as long as my gutters drain,
Let it rain! Let it rain! Let it rain!

Explanation: Hey, if it's never going to snow down here, I can at least sing carols about the rain. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more singing to do.

It doesn't show signs of ceasing,
My depression is increasing,
Please put a bullet through my brain,
Let it rain! Let it rain! Let it rain!

If it finally ever ends,
I'll probably be in Depends,
It's driving me insane!
Let it rain! Let it rain! Let it rain!

To be cheerful I am trying,
But I just cannot stop crying.
Maybe I'll take up cocaine...
Let it rain! Let it rain! Let it rain!

I guess I just have to make the best of it. Maybe I'll go outside and make a rainman:


Yeah, definitely a rainman. Definitely.

Gobble Gobble!

Well said, Mr. Turkeyneck.

Source: This is from the following FedEx commercial:



Special Blog Bonus: Want more turkey humor? Here's Timmy and Gobbles, from South Park.

More Wisdom From Homer J.

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Source: The one and only Homer J Simpson. This quote is from the Bart the Genius episode. Incidentally, this is also the episode where Bart plays "K-W-Y-J-I-B-O" in Scrabble. Way cool.

Special Blog Bonus: Somebody built the H.M.S. Edinburgh, a destroyer, out of LEGOs:


More pictures here. It took the builder two years to complete.

I tried to counter this by building the U.S.S. New Jersey out of LEGOs, but I made the mistake of beginning my construction on B-4, and alas, somebody sunk my battleship.

Update, 10:14am: I am told that today is Thomas Edison's birthday. I had no idea. Good timing, I guess.

Fill in the Blank

From the archives:

Fill in the blank: Gyros, _____, Bowling. If you said "Donuts", you're right! (If you know why, please tell me, because I'm still not sure myself)

Explanation: A couple of years ago, while my wife and I were in Poughkeepsie for a night, our whole crowd all went out to eat gyros for dinner, with plans to go bowling afterward. On the way out of the gyro place, for some strange reason, it became the consensus opinion that we should stop at Dunkin' Donuts on the way. It didn't really make sense to anyone, but I'll tell you - those donuts were gooooood.

Scorpio

From the archives:

"Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me over the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word 'boss'."

Source: Hank Scorpio, from the Simpsons.



Explanation: Hank Scorpio is Homer's new boss in the You Only Move Twice episode (script here). Scorpio is a really nice guy, but happens to also be a supervillian. Everyone has their faults, I guess.

Oto-whoos-a-whats-it-called-ology?

From the archives:

Apparently, they go by "E.N.T." because "otorhinolaryngologist" just doesn't roll of the tongue so easily.

Explanation: I learned yesterday that an ear, nose, and throat doctor, or E.N.T. is actually a doctor of otorhinolaryngology.

Some day I'd like to meet an otorhinolaryngologist who shares my dislike of the deinstitutionalization of constitutionalizations drawn from overcommercialization due to overintellectualizing counterinterpretations of antiauthoritarianism in the private sector, which always leads to nonrepresentationalism. Then again, I'd settle for an electroencephalographer who appreciates the electrophysiological indistinguishabilities of any anthropomorphizations of hexamethylenetetramine, ethylenediaminetetraacetate, and phosphatidylethanolamines (from a spectrophotometrical perspective, of course - not antiferromagnetically). I always get a kick out of such immunoelectrophoretical intercomprehensibilities.

My, My, My, You Can't Read This

By the year 2000, two out of three Americans could be illiterate.

Source: This was the last page in the book I just finished.

Explanation: Our library has used book sales every once in a while, where they sell paperbacks for 25 cents and hardcovers for 50 cents. I like to pick up mass-market paperbacks there for old best-sellers that I never got around to reading. A few years back, I grabbed a copy of Kiss the Girlsby James Patterson, only to realize while reading it that Along Came a Spiderwas actually the first book in the Alex Cross series. As you can probably tell, I've never seen either movie. Anyway, over the past couple days I've been reading Along Came a Spider and noticing some items that date the book a bit, like (I'm not kidding) the time when Alex Cross listens to Hammer on his car stereo. Anyway, when I finished the book, there was today's status message. It turns out that the copyright date for the book was 1992.

Then again, I have no idea why I'm writing this, since most of you probably can't read it, anyway. Let me summarize in video:

Safety, Shmafety

"Keep Kids Alive, Go 25"? Nah. I'd rather make things sporty.

Source: As I drove home from the elementary school where voting took place yesterday, I saw a house on the same street with a homemade "Keep Kids Alive, Go 25" sign on their front lawn. The street winds through a neighborhood and has an elementary school on it, but also is the most direct route between two busy local roads (Church Road and Church Street, coincidentally). I can understand that local residents are concerned about the speed of through traffic, but those signs still tend annoy me.

My original thought was actually that I could keep the kids "alerty", but forty was a much more comfortable speed, anyway.

Special Blog Bonus: Feeling let down after Super Sunday and Super Tuesday? Well, we at Jeremy's Status Message know the cure to what ails you. Here's a Far Side with a duck. What could be better?


Fun Link of the Day: 111 years ago yesterday, Indiana almost passed a bill adopting 3.2 to be the exact value of π (pi). Go Indiana!

Primary Elections

Remember, you can only vote for candidates today who are sunburned, choking, or chicken. Please steer clear of that girl Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, any bodybuilder with that nasty spray-on tan stuff, and any and all environmentalists.

Explanation: See, it's a primary election. You have to vote for red, blue, or yellow candidates. If it were a secondary election, you could vote for Violet (purple), bodybuilders (orange), and environmentalists (green).

More candidates you can vote for:

• Spiderman
• Superman
• Any Smurf
• The Tick
• The Sun (but not during sunrise or sunset)
• Dr. Zoidberg
• Kool-Aid Man
• This guy
• Or maybe this guy

More candidates you cannot vote for:

• Garfield
• Any Minnesota Viking
• Celery
• The Green Giant
• The Green Lantern
• Otto
• Any Oompa Loompa
• Barney the Dinosaur
• The elephant from my subconscious

This has been a public service message provided by Jeremy's Status Message.

There's Always Next Year

Did anyone happen to catch the football game last night?

Explanation: I'm so embarassed. After reminding the world to watch the Super Bowl on Friday, I missed it. I was just so enthralled by the programming on other channels last night. E! was running the 50 Most Compelling Top-50 Shows, which killed about two hours of my night. Then there was that rerun of Growing Pains where Boner and Mike do something stupid and get into trouble. You know that episode. At one point, I was pretty sure there was something on FOX that I wanted to see, but from what I saw, I figured it was just a Tom Petty concert. Talk about bad timing. Oh well. Maybe I'll watch next year. It's no big deal. I'm sure the Patriots won in a blowout, anyway.

Special Blog Bonus: Apparently, I totally missed this commercial, too:

An Apple a Day

From the archives:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. And, if you happen to have a doctor's appointment that day, I would recommend throwing your apple at him. That usually keeps him even farther away.

Source: A Jeremy's Status Message original! Where would you be without our sage words of wisdom?

Getting Some Politics Off the Books

From the archives:

I support Jeb Bush's 2013 invasion of Iraq.

Explanation: See, back in 2004, I wrote this status message the day after George W. Bush defeated John Kerry to win a second term in office. I thought it was clever, because George H. W. Bush had invaded Iraq back in the 1991, and then George W. Bush invaded Iraq in 2003, so I just felt like it was destiny that Jeb Bush would be elected president in the future and invade Iraq, 'cause that's what the Bushes do.

You may wonder why I'm running this message today. The reason is simple: I'm trying to rerun all of my old status messages and this one is getting less funny by the minute. We invaded Iraq in 2003. It's now 2008. We're still there. So, I'm sure you don't think it's particularly funny today, but just think about how unfunny it'll be when we're still in Iraq next month, or even next year. I'm doing you a favor by running this message now. You'll thank me later.

On the bright side, I went on my first date with my wife two days after writing this status message. That was pretty cool.

Super Post XXII

A Public Service Announcement From Jeremy's Status Message:

In case you didn't know, I feel obligated to inform you that there will be a professional football game this weekend.

Explanation: Yes, that's right, it's Superbowl weekend! The biggest game of the year! The biggest halftime show ever! The biggest commercials of the year! The longest pregame show of the year!

Here are our fearless 100% guaranteed lock predictions for the game:

• Tom Brady will have two ankles for the game.
• You will hear the phrase "wardrobe malfunction".
• There will be a mention or two of the "meaningless" Week 17 game between the two teams.
• At least one person you're with will be very excited about the last digit of each team's score.
• It will be a hard fought battle, but the team that manages to score more points will come out victorious.
• Nobody will confuse Tom Petty for Tom Brady.
• Even if the Patriots win, the 1972 Dolphins won't shut up.
• If you turn on ESPN right now, they'll be talking about the game.
• Wes Welker will catch a short pass and then try to run out of his skin to avoid getting tackled, prompting an announcer to comment on how good he is at getting open on short routes.
• You will hear that Randy Moss is new to the Patriots this year.
• There will be at least one primate featured prominently in a commercial.
• At least one person in the stadium will take a photograph of the kickoff.
• Eli Manning's famous sibling will be mentioned during both the game and perhaps a commercial or two.
• FOX's broadcast of the game will involve robots for some strange reason.

As always, we reserve the right to update this list throughout the day.