I Hope You Come Up With Something Good

Today's status is left as an exercise for the reader.

Explanation: It's a Monday, it was a busy weekend, and my vacation is so close, I can smell it. So, you probably have more creativity than I do right now. Come up with something amusing. Then laugh at it. Then credit me for encouraging you.

Oh, and let's not forget that Davidson pushed Kansas to the brink last night, only to miss a last second shot and lose. Why is this important? Because I watched the game rooting for Davidson the whole time, but thinking that if Kansas managed to win, my bracket's Kansas-Memphis final might actually make some money. It turns out that if Memphis beats Kansas in the final, I finish tied for seventh place, missing the money by one point.

Special Blog Bonus: A big tip of the hat to Brad for his link to Garfield Minus Garfield. It's darkly amusing.

DAVIDSON!!!

From the archives:

Time is infinite and life is finite, therefore the probability that you are alive at this exact moment is zero.

Explanation: Just a little food for thought on your weekend. I don't remember where I found this quote, but it doesn't really matter, because the probability that anyone else is alive to read this is zero.

Special Blog Bonus: DAVIDSON!!!


I gained three points on the field last night because my bracket was the only one of 139 in my pool to have Davidson advancing to the Elite Eight. Unfortunately, last night's games only boosted me from 100th to 85th place. Therefore, while I STILL believe there's a chance I can finish in the money, I am forsaking my pool and rooting for young Mr. Curry and his teammates.

Now for a moment of deep personal pain, brought to you by ESPN.com:

As a high school student at Charlotte Christian, Curry grew up a fan of the ACC and wanted to follow in his parents' footsteps at Virginia Tech. Dell Curry was a star with the Hokies before he played 16 seasons in the NBA, and Sonya Curry was on the volleyball team at Virginia Tech. The Hokies offered Stephen a scholarship but with the catch that he play as a walk-on for a year.

Curry wanted to play right away, so he chose Davidson, the small school (1,700 students) about 20 miles north of Charlotte.

Nine Minutes of Friday Fun

I found this video about forklift driving online last night during the basketball games. I'll warn you - it is gory and twisted, but still pretty amusing.

So Much For That Bruce Pearl of Wisdom

Apparently, declaring the University of Tennessee as my secret weapon was a mistake.

Explanation: Yes, it's another basketball post. I am terrible at picking first round games in the NCAA tournament. Every year, I find that I do poorly until the Sweet Sixteen and then pick up momentum and finish just out of the money. (Except last year where I got everything right for the last three rounds) So, my thought process with this bracket was to choose an unlikely team for my Final Four, intentionally going contrary to what the rest of the field was predicting. I know full well that most people think North Carolina will win the championship this year, but I just feel like there's a big game where UNC will come up short. So, I chose Tennessee to make it to the Final Four. Yes, after ranting about how bad the SEC was this year, I chose Tennessee. Don't ask. Anyway, my secret weapon got thumped last night by Louisville. Therefore, I'm in a heap of trouble.

On the bright side, I have Davidson beating Wisconsin tonight. I'm the only one in the pool who picked this game, and those three points will really help. Sure, I won't win the pool, but it will certainly make me look more competitive. Go Davidson!!!

Crime has a Bossa Nova Beat

"Well, folks, there you have it. A day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It's a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable; I think we covered that before. Map light, convenient and essential. A lot of working of villain motifs. Crime has a Bossa Nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember 'denouement'. Other French words: 'inconvenient', 'nonessential'… oh… I could go on and on… But time's a-wasting and evil's out there making hand-crafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can't strike a good deal with evil. No matter how much you haggle! We don't need to look for a bargain; goodness is cheap because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets. Cut!"

Source: This is a monologue from The Tick. If you don't know anything about The Tick, here's the first episode:



Parts 2 and 3 of this episode are here and here.

Status of the Famous: Buster Keaton

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

Famous Person: Buster Keaton.

Explanation: Buster Keaton was a famous silent film star, so naturally, his status would be blank... because the movies were silent. Get it?

Here's a montage of Keaton's work:

Chewbacca the Hair Challenged Animal

FREE HAT

Source: Today's message comes from the South Park episode of the same name. Just read the Wikipedia page - it's convoluted, but quite amusing.

You can watch this episode online!

Special Blog Bonus: It's LEGO Eric Cartman:


You can see some more LEGO cartoon characters here.

Theyhadababyitsaboy

I'm an uncle! (again)


Explanation: So, in the middle of my 2008 NCAA Tournament Spectacular, my sister-in-law went into labor and since my wife and I were the on-call babysitters for Easter Sunday, my blogging paid the price.



While my new nephew Luke is adorable (and healthy!), I'm frustrated that I couldn't proclaim Davidson over Georgetown as my sure-fire guaranteed upset lock of the century. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Stephen Curry is my new hero!

Now is probably a good time to mention that I am the only person in my entire pool with Davidson making the Elite Eight. Bummer I'm down to my Sweet 10 and Elite 7 already, huh?

2008 NCAA Tournament Not-So-Spectacular - Day 4

My apologies, but this was a crazy day and for now all I'll post are my fearless predictions:

North Carolina over Indiana
Oklahoma over Louisville
Tennessee over Butler
Vanderbilt over Clemson
Davidson over Georgetown
Memphis over Oregon
Michigan State over Pittsburgh
Texas over St. Mary's

Yes, I'm picking Davidson over Georgetown. I haven't gotten anything else right yet, so maybe I can hang my hat on this one. Speaking of hats, Willie blew up yesterday's cardinal picture to find this:

2008 NCAA Tournament Spectacular - Day 3

Jeremy's Status Message presents the NCAA Tournament Spectacular! Full NCAA Tournament Coverage! Take an inside look into this expert's thought process in picking today's games!

From the archives:

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. And today's lesson is... "Do not back up. Severe tire damage"

Explanation: This is one of the many morals generated by the Wheel of Morality on Animaniacs. Don't think too hard about it. Just check out my Saturday picks!

No. 7 West Virginia vs. No. 2 Duke:
I have Duke advancing to the Sweet Sixteen, not because I think they're all that good (as exhibited by their first round squeaker against Belmont) but because I don't think any of the other teams in the Washington, D.C. pod are better. Arizona put on a great show and quieted their doubters in the first round, but their tournament run ends today.*

No. 11 Kansas State vs. No. 3 Wisconsin:
Bye bye O.J. Mayo. Kansas State knocked off USC, but now faces a tougher test in a Wisconsin team that will continue to do everything in their power to STAY OUT OF WISCONSIN. Sure, there are breweries there, but people can only take so much Brett Favre and cheese.

No. 6 Purdue vs. No. 3 Xavier:
I know Xavier is the three seed, but Baylor looks like a team of destiny. It was enough of a story for them to get to the Big Dance, but their stunning first round upset of Purdue shocked everyone. Look for Baylor to continue their run and advance to the Sweet Sixteen.

No. 5 Notre Dame vs. No. 4 Washington State:
Notre Dame and Winthrop both cruised in the first round, just as I predicted. I'm out of Trading Places jokes, so I think it's time for Winthrop to go home. Amazing fact: Notre Dame's 68 points in their first round game was more points than their football team scored all of last season.**

No. 6 Marquette vs. No. 3 Stanford:
Both Stanford and Marquette looked good in the first round, but this game is in Anaheim, and that's a huge advantage for Stanford. Look for the Cardinal to roll. Hey, speaking of "cardinal", here's a story for you:

On most mornings, I eat my breakfast cereal in our den, which has two windows looking out on the woods behind our house. Given the orientation of the house, the morning sun shines brightly onto the branches. Certain times of the year, we have some cardinals which greatly enjoy perching on the branches visible through my window. They sit there, an even brighter red than usual due to the sunshine, and mock me through the window because my camera is inevitably upstairs. On most days, I just sit and sulk because I know they won't be there by the time I return with my camera. On other days, I go get my camera, only to find the cardinals long gone when I return. Last year, I actually left my camera downstairs for just this purpose, and eventually managed to snap a few cardinal pictures.

Well, yesterday morning a cardinal paid me a visit, and it was too pretty to pass up. I put down my cereal and sprinted upstairs to get my camera. And when I got back, the cardinal was still there! I took some quick pictures, only to realize that I needed the telephoto lens, which (of course) was still upstairs. I sprinted back upstairs and got the telephoto lens, and then sprinted back downstairs and changed lenses. The cardinal was on a different branch, but still there! I got two pictures of him before he took off, so all of my running was worthwhile! Here's the original, followed by the edited version.

But I digress... Go Stanford!

No. 8 UNLV vs. No. 1 Kansas:
I love the Running Rebels, but not when they run into the top seeded Jayhawks. Kansas will keep on rolling. Jock, caulk, Marshall Faulk!

No. 5 Michigan State vs. No. 4 Pittsburgh:
Michigan State is just too strong in the tournament. Temple learned that on Thursday. Now it's Pittsburgh's turn. Fo shizzo my Izzo. Spartans to the Sweet Sixteen!

No. 9 Texas A&M vs. No. 1 UCLA:
It was a real nail biter, but the Mormons knocked off the Aggies in the first round. If Mitt Romney were still alive today, he'd be so happy! Oh well. UCLA is going to mop the floor with BYU and send them back home to their wives. All of them.

*Now might be a good time to mention that I made all of my picks before the tournament began. As a result, they may not match up perfectly with the actual games being played.

**This fact probably isn't true, but isn't it sad that you had to think about it?

2008 NCAA Tournament Spectacular - Day 2

Jeremy's Status Message presents the NCAA Tournament Spectacular! Full NCAA Tournament Coverage! Take an inside look into this expert's thought process in picking today's games!

Apparently Washington State did not appreciate my Trading Places joke yesterday.

Explanation: Washington State came out in halftime of a tied game versus Winthrop and outscored them 42-11 in the second half. So much for my 13-4 upset.

Instead of dwelling on how I did yesterday, which I think may be more annoying than people telling you about their fantasy football teams, I'll just give my Day 2 picks, listed in order of start time.

No. 15 American vs. No. 2 Tennessee:
As I have always said, it's un-American to root for Tennessee. Then again, as Bruce Pearl reminded me the other day, he and Pat Summitt have combined for SEVEN national championships. You can't pick against a tradition of success like that.

No. 10 Davidson vs. No. 7 Gonzaga:
I'm a sucker for Davidson. Last year, I was awed by Stephen Curry's tournament performance. Throw in the fact that his father is Dell Curry, one of Virginia Tech's greatest all-time basketball players, and I'm as excited about an underdog as I've been since the Earl Boykins days at Eastern Michigan. Go... (researching)... Wildcats!

No. 10 Saint Mary's vs. No. 7 Miami:
As a Virginia Tech Hokie, I cannot in good conscience root for the University of Miami. So, I'm taking Saint Mary's in the upset. Go... (researching)... Fighting Magi!*

No. 12 Western Kentucky vs. No. 5 Drake:
So, in college, we played a volleyball tournament in Kentucky. I had never been to Kentucky before, so I was a little nervous about what it would be like there. When we stopped for gas, the attendant at the gas station was named Cletis. My first interaction with someone in Kentucky, and his name was Cletis! Drake's, on the other hand, makes delicious snack products like Yodels and their emblem is a duck in a chef's hat. It's not that I took issue with Cletis. I just like Yodels more.

No. 10 South Alabama vs. No. 7 Butler:
Isn't "South Alabama" a little redundant? That's like naming a school "Liberal Vermont," "Sunny Florida," or "Ohio State Recruiting Scandal." Plus, I'm pretty sure Butler has scored an upset or two recently in the tournament. I have to go with them. And if they win, I get to say "Butler did it!"

No. 15 UMBC vs. No. 2 Georgetown:
I find it amusing that two schools that are just a few miles apart have to travel to North Carolina to play each other. I also find it amusing that UMBC is in the tournament and the University of Maryland is not. Regardless, Georgetown will move on to get crushed by my new hero Stephen Curry and the Davidson team he carries on his back.

No. 15 Austin Peay vs. No. 2 Texas:
First of all, I can't pronounce "Peay." Second of all, any school with "Austin" in the name should be in Texas, not Tennessee. Third of all, the Texas is going to squash this team like the Wonderlic squashed Vince Young. I can say stuff like that because my college never faced such an embarassment over a superstar quar... Let's just move on.

No. 13 San Diego vs. No. 4 Connecticut:
Given UConn's terrible performance the last few times I saw them in the tournament, I'd be nervous to pick them again. Since I have never seen San Diego in the tournament, though, I'll go with the stronger program. Just for the record, I'd much rather live in San Diego than in Connecticut.

No. 16 Mount St. Mary's vs. No. 1 North Carolina:
Sure, the Mount is a 16 seed. Sure, they're playing UNC in what is essentially a home game for the overall number one seed. The facts are the facts: Mount St. Mary's comes into this game with a better 2008 NCAA Tournament record than UNC.

No. 11 Saint Joseph's vs. No. 6 Oklahoma:
Oh, this is embarassing. I just looked up Saint Joseph's University to figure out where they were only to discover that the campus is less than 20 miles from my house. See, that is exactly why I'm picking Oklahoma.

No. 13 Siena vs. No. 4 Vanderbilt:
My wife went to Vanderbilt. Yes, I married a 'Dore. I know "Hokie" doesn't make much sense, but at least it doesn't require additional punctuation. Now that I think about it, last year, I picked against Vanderbilt and they won anyway. Of course, last year I won my basketball pool, too. Go Siena!

No. 9 Oregon vs. No. 8 Mississippi State:
Ah, the bitter rivalry between Oregon and Mississippi State continues. Yep, the Ducks and the Bulldogs - rivals in nature and on the basketball court. Once again, I'm going with the Ducks. What can I say? I love Yodels.

No. 9 Arkansas vs. No. 8 Indiana:
The moment I first saw this matchup, I said "there's no way I'm picking Indiana, because their coach left in the middle of the season." So, I'm picking Indiana. I think the SEC is THAT bad.

No. 14 Boise State vs. No. 3 Louisville:
If they were playing on the blue turf, I would pick Boise State without thinking twice. Since there is no turf at all, I'm going to go with the basketball school instead. Oh, and I'll lay even odds that Brian Brohm is hurt during the game.

No. 12 Villanova vs. No. 5 Clemson:
Any team that can wear purple and orange and still get to the ACC Tournament finals has my vote. This reminds me of Bob Knight's leprechaun story - funniest thing I've never heard.

No. 16 Texas-Arlington vs. No. 1 Memphis:
I'm walking in Texas-Arlington. Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale. Walking in Texas-Arlington. But do I really feel the way I feel? Nope. I'll stick with Memphis.

*This is a joke. I have no idea what the Saint Mary's mascot is.

2008 NCAA Tournament Spectacular - Day 1

Jeremy's Status Message presents the NCAA Tournament Spectacular! Full NCAA Tournament Coverage! Take an inside look into this expert's thought process in picking today's games!

Let the Post-February Chaos begin!

Explanation: Well, that other phrase is copywritten left and right, so I'm stuck making up my own term. I chose this over "Third Month Mahem."

OK, let's get to the good stuff. Here are my picks for today's games, listed in order of start time. Read my predictions carefully, as you will certainly have an opportunity to mock them at a later time.

No. 14 Georgia vs. No. 3 Xavier:
Does anyone have any idea of what to make of Georgia? They went 4-12 in the SEC and then won 4 games in 4 days to win the SEC tournament. Of course, this is a weak SEC and they didn't beat either Vanderbilt or Tennessee in the tournament. Plus, the SEC Tournament was in Atlanta. I have to go with Xavier as the higher seed here - the "X" makes it sound cool.

No. 16 Portland State vs. No. 1 Kansas:
I didn't know Portland State was a real life actual school until I started typing this. Therefore, I will pick Kansas. I am, however, rooting for K.U. to lose just so I don't have to hear anything about rocks or chalk.

No. 12 Temple vs. No. 5 Michigan State:
This is the first of the dreaded 5-12 matchups, but an easy pick: Michigan State always plays well in the tournament. Temple does have John Chaney and Bill Cosby going for them, but neither will be on the court. I do like those Jello Pudding Pops, though.

No. 11 Kentucky vs. No. 6 Marquette:
Kentucky started off the season horribly, but finished strongly in the SEC. Their only losses since January 22 were at Tennessee and at Vanderbilt, and then to Georgia in the SEC tournament. The key word here is "SEC." Meanwhile, Marquette is a Big East team. I have to remind myself, because I forget that every year. In spite of the Ashley Judd factor, I have to go with the better conference here.

No. 11 Baylor vs. No. 6 Purdue:
I could say that the Big Twelve is a better conference than the Big Ten this year, or I could note that Purdue has done much better against ranked opponents, though. Really, though, I'm pulling for Baylor because they're a "feel good" story.

No. 9 Kent State vs. No. 8 UNLV:
I don't care how many years it's been since 1990, I can't pick against UNLV.

No. 13 Oral Roberts vs. No. 4 Pittsburgh:
If the mascots were battling, I'd pick Oral Roberts. Unfortunately for them, they're not. Go Panthers!

No. 14 Cornell vs. No. 3 Stanford:
I'm guessing this is the best academic matchup in the tournament. Unfortunately for Cornell, this South Bracket game will be played in Anaheim, California.

No. 11 Kansas State vs. No. 6 USC:
Michael Beasley vs. O.J. Mayo. I don't like O.J. Mayo because of his last play as a high school player so I'm picking K-State.

No. 15 Belmont vs. No. 2 Duke:
The bad news for Belmont is that they're facing Duke. The good news is that they're not facing Secretariat.

No. 13 Winthrop vs. No. 4 Washington State:
Sure, Winthrop has made noise in the tournament, but more importantly, Dan Akroyd played him in Trading Places.

No. 9 Texas A&M vs. No. 8 Brigham Young:
Aggies vs. Mormons. I'm picking the Mormons. Why? With Romney out, they have to win something this year.

No. 14 Cal State Fullerton vs. No. 3 Wisconsin:
Just for the record, let me say that I always mess up my Wisconsin picks. Every single freakin' year. With that disclaimer, I think they'll roll in this game.

No. 10 Arizona vs. No. 7 West Virginia:
Everyone is saying that Arizona shouldn't be in the tournament. That's reason enough for me to pick them. Plus, they have a very low probability of getting Pittsnogled in this game.

No. 12 George Mason vs. No. 5 Notre Dame:
Every idiot in the country will see "George Mason" and assume that they're going to pull an upset. They're like the new Gonzaga. Plus, this is a 5-12 game, so there HAS to be an upset, right? I have a secret weapon, though. I hate Notre Dame and they always screw me over in my pool. Therefore, I'm picking them. You're welcome, George Mason fans.

No. 16 Mississippi Valley State vs. No. 1 UCLA:
I read "Mississippi Valley State" and remembered that Jerry Rice went there. Good for them. They're going to get slaughtered.

Status of the Famous: Samuel F. B. Morse

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

-.. --- - -.. --- - -.. --- - / -.. --- - -.. .- ... .... / -.. .- ... .... -.. .- ... .... / -.. --- - -.. --- - / -.. --- - -.. .- ... .... / -.. .- ... .... -.. .- ... ....

Famous Person: Samuel F. B. Morse

Explanation: Morse's status is the text "Dotdotdot dotdash dashdash dotdot dotdash dashdash" in Morse code. Get it? The Morse code translates to Morse code! After a second translation, Morse's status is "Sam I am."

While searching United States Patents, I came across Mr. Morse's Patents Number 1,647 and Number 6,420. Fun stuff.

By the way, I used this site to generate the Morse code above. I should also mention that the Morse estate in Poughkeepsie, NY, is a good place to eat Chinese food with your coworkers.

The Last I'll Care About Baseball This Year: The Yankees eeked out an 11-0 win over Virginia Tech yesterday. Say what you want about George Steinbrenner's legacy - I'll forever be grateful that he set this in motion.

LEGO Creation of the Day: This scene has it all: a castle invasion, pouring lava, a crocodile in a tarpit. Fun for the whole family!

Yeah, That's Right, You Blouse-Wearing Poodle Walker

Bonjourrrrrrr, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!

Source: From The Simpsons episode Round Springfield, where budget cuts at Springfield Elementary School forced Groundskeeper Willie to teach a French class.

Explanation: Today's message is a long-distance dedication from Steve in Poughkeepsie to his favorite person from Surrenderville, Europe.

Special Blog Bonus: I am always amused by the selection of ads that appear on my blog, but today's was really worth mentioning. Apparently, my site is an ideal place to advertise for shoes that increase your height.* OK, I'll admit it. I've been "lifting". I wear them to boost myself up to 6'8".

Here's a Far Side to help you forget about your altitude deficiency:


Important Scheduling Note: At 3pm today, the New York Yankees play at Virginia Tech. You can see the game live here.

*For those of you keeping track at home, my advertisers think you are a short single Christian who likes Napoleon Dynamite.

3 + 5 > 32

From the archives:

A 3-year-old, a 5-year-old, and a 32-year-old run in circles for an hour. Who recovers last?

Explanation: After some high-speed playing yesterday with my two nephews, I learned an interesting fact about age. They were both unconscious within 20 minutes of leaving my house, while I continued (albeit slowly) throughout my day. While both of them awoke from their naps refreshed and ready to play again, I trudged through the rest of my day, went to bed early, and woke up feeling like I still have a kid clinging to each ankle.

The moral of the story? Ibuprofen is good.

Sadly, that's the moral to a lot of my stories lately.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of performance enhancing drugs, let's talk about professional wrestling in the 80's. Here's some fun stuff for you:

First, two Mental Floss quizzes on Wrestling Action figures: Quiz 1 and Quiz 2. I got 9/14 correct and 12/15 correct, respectively.

Second, here's a video I don't remember existing. See if you can figure out who everyone is! (I was stumped on one gentleman, until I remembered that he later served as governor of Minnesota!)

No Beer = March Madness?

From the archives:

Does anyone else find it oddly coincidental that March Madness begins on the day that the green beer runs out?

Explanation: I wrote this post in March of 2004, when the NCAA Tournament started on Thursday, March 18th.

Speaking of the NCAA Tournament, it's about time to remind the world that...

I AM THE DEFENDING CHAMPION OF MY OFFICE POOL!

That is all.

A BAP-errific Post

From the archives:

HAPPY BAPDAY!!! FELIZ NAVIBAP!!! MERRY BAPMAS!!! BON BAPLEANOS!!!

Explanation: Acronyms in companies are amusing. At work, once a year, we receive a bonus governed by a combination of our employee rating and the company's financial well-being. When I began work, this bonus was called "Variable Pay." All of my coworkers, however, still referred to it as a "BAP." I have absolutely no idea what BAP stands for. Over time, "Variable Pay" passed on and became "Performance Pay" and now is called something to do with profit-sharing. I don't even care - it will always be the BAP to me.

Anyway, since March 14th was BAP day, celebrate the BAP, but don't spend it all in one place! Happy BAPDAY!

Edited at 9:31 AM: My dad found the following when searching Google for BAP:

Another Fan Contribution

Here's another contribution from everyone's favorite Photoshop addict, Willie:


I am told that this is not actually a flaming woodchuck. It is a woodchuck with flames. If you're a woodchuck, this is a VERY important distinction.

MAD LIBS: Obfuscating What's-a-who-sit?

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Botswana today because I have to wash my hair. I can be reached via mental telepathy, flaming woodchuck, or Windows Pinball.

Source: OK, I wrote this one. Let's just pretend that I was actually playing the MAD LIBS game like the rest of you, because contacting me by "flaming woodchuck" is just too funny to pass up.

Actually, today's guest post comes from Julie. I could not make this my actual status on account of the excuse she chose, but if you're reading my blog, you can handle it:

Working from Chinatown today because he had herpes. I can be reached via American Sign Language, obfuscating bonobo, or WINSOCK.DLL.

Explanation: If you're a regular reader, you're familiar with obfuscation. For the less informed, however, I will now happily explain what a bonobo is. Ummm...


Uh...


Well...


Hmmm...


OK, screw it - I looked it up. The internet, which is never wrong, tells me that a bonobo is a pygmy chimpanzee. Here's the photo I found:


There you go. Thank you, Julie. Now we've all learned something today.

We hope you have enjoyed MAD LIBS week here on Jeremy's Sametime Status. Have a great weekend!

Bonus Sloth Post!

Here's Willie's version of "smashing sloth":

MAD LIBS: Sloth Smash!

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Downtown Poughkeepsie today because the sun was in my eyes. I can be reached via Morse code, smashing three-toed sloth, or Microsoft Word.

Source: Today's MAD LIBS submission comes courtesy of Peter, who wins the "Best Excuse" award. Unfortunately, the winning excuse (part of his second submission) is inappropriate to run as my work status. Luckily for you, I'll still run it here:

Working from Little Rock because she told me she was 18. I can be reached via hieroglyphics, heckling boll weevil, or Windows Media Player.

Explanation: As I searched the internet for three-toed sloth pictures, I discovered that these peaceful, slow-moving creatures mostly just hang around on trees, eating leaves.


Interestingly, however, it is unwise to anger a three-toed sloth. You won't like a three-toed sloth when it's angry. SLOTH SMASH!


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

MAD LIBS: My Dog Ate It

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Evil Jeremy's living room today because my dog ate it. I can be reached via smoke signals, spanking emu, or Minesweeper.

Source: The words for today's status message were submitted by Evil Jeremy. Of course, his exact words were "Jeremy's living room", implying that he was working in my living room, but that just doesn't make any sense if I post it as a status message. Therefore, I took the liberty of saying "Evil Jeremy's living room", which is just the kind of thing my evil twin would say. PLUS, it has the added bonus of looking like I'm talking about working from HIS living room, because as you probably know by now, we both think the other is the evil one.

Explanation: I'm not totally sure how one communicates by spanking an emu, but I'll just assume that it can be done and not worry about the logistics.

Special Blog Bonus: Evil Jeremy is running a theme week over on his blog, which contains some fun number sequences. Since he gave me my post today, I figure I should point some traffic in his direction.

That's so very kind of you

Yes, I know it is.

Update 2:41PM: Special thanks to Uncle Willie for this image of an emu spanking. And remember kids, Retirement + Photoshop = Dangerous.


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

MAD LIBS: Stuck In the Blood Pressure Machine at Wal-Mart

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from the 5th circle of Hell today because I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart. I can be reached via smoke signals, spelunking manatee, or Freecell.

Source: Today's status message comes courtesy of Jim, who gets bonus points for touching Wal-Mart's blood pressure machine in the first place.

Explanation: No explanation necessary. In case you were wondering, a spelunking manatee looks something like this:


Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

MAD LIBS: Working From The Sigmoid Flexure

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from the sigmoid flexure today because I've been in a coma for 13 years. I can be reached via the Karankawa language, trading moose, and Comma-Separated Value format.

Source: Credit for today's status message goes to Willie, which should be apparent by his choice of animal. Only a Mainiac would choose a moose. OK, maybe a Mainennite would too, but you catch my drift.

Explanation: As you may recall, last week, you were asked to name:

• A gerund (noun created by a verb ending with -ing)
• A place
• An animal
• A method of communication
• An excuse
• A Windows application

Those word parts fit (as you might have guessed) into a status message as follows:

Working from PLACE today because EXCUSE. I can be reached via COMMUNICATION, GERUND ANIMAL, or APPLICATION.

And yes, I'm aware of the fact that "GERUND ANIMAL" doesn't fit into the typical "Working From Home" message, but hey - this isn't the typical blog.

Also, for anyone who may need a definition for sigmoid flexure or Karankawa, I have provided them. If you need a definition for moose, I have not provided one.

Stay tuned for more MAD LIBS tomorrow!

Thunderstruck

From the archives:

The sun heats the earth's water sources, causing water to evaporate and rise into the air. As the water vapor rises, it cools and condenses to become droplets, forming clouds. These clouds collect an electrical charge, with the upper portion positive and the lower portion negative, and travel like giant capacitors along with the prevailing winds until they find themselves over Mount Laurel, New Jersey at 5 o'clock in the morning, at which point, the strong electric field causes the surrounding air to begin to break down, forming positive ions and electrons. An electron path forms through the air, ultimately finding its way to the earth, at which point a conductive path exists between the earth and the cloud, allowing massive amounts of current to travel from the cloud to the earth, causing an amount of heat in its general vicinity greater than the surface temperature of the sun. This immense heat literally causes the air around it to explode, sending a shockwave in all directions, including the direction of my house, where it A) causes both me and my wife to jump two feet in the air from a dead sleep, B) shakes the entire house, causing the ceiling fan to actually sway from side to side, and C) awakens our deaf dog, who vividly remembers being afraid of thunder. Isn't nature beautiful?

Explanation: I was very proud of this status message back when I first ran it. It required quite a bit of research, but the effort was worthwhile. I still cannot believe how loud that thunderclap was.

More Importantly: In over a year of blogging, this is the first mention of Periwinkle, my wife's sheltie who lived with us for the last year and a half of her life before finally achieving her goal of 24 hours of sleep per day at the ripe old age of 15.


There will be much more said in this space about her, but for now it will suffice to say that the Peri my wife knew was the most wonderful, well-trained, and loving dog in the whole world.*

*The Peri I knew was an almost entirely deaf senior citizen with irrational fears of tile floors and steps, whose weak stomach waged war on our carpets. I should also mention that, because I work from home, Peri and I spent a whole lot of time together. We had many wonderful conversations that only one of us actually heard.

I'm 3 Games Less Young and Stupid Than I Used To Be

From the archives:

I played 17 games of volleyball this weekend, and all I got was this fabulous Rooftime 12 T-shirt.

Explanation: Today's status was actually from the summer a while back. As Steve might say, it's always a good time to plug Rooftime. So check out the Rooftime web site. Good volleyball. Good people. Good cause.

In reality, I did not play 17 games of volleyball this weekend. That was back when I was young and stupid. I only played 14 games today. See the improvement? We did win the tournament, so I did get a fabulous T-shirt. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hobble off to bed, where I shall stay until Monday.

Dentistry and Me

I like my dentist. My dentist has never done any dental work on me. Do you think those two sentences are related?

Explanation: I had a dentist appointment this morning with my new (since moving to New Jersey) dentist. I really like the guy. Of course, he's also never done anything more than look in my mouth for cavities. I guess the moral of the story is, you can never know if you truly like somebody until they've used a drill in your mouth.

At this point, I will refrain from discussing the joys of periodontal surgery and its lack of drilling and just wish you all a happy, Novacaine-free weekend.

Special Blog Bonus: It's Friday! To celebrate, we do the Dance of Joy!



Thanks to everyone who submitted MAD LIBS words yesterday. If you haven't gotten around to it yet, there's still time! Get them in before Monday.

Status of the Famous: Abraham Lincoln

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

One hour and three minutes ago our management brought forth in this corporation a meeting, conceived in pointlessness, and dedicated to the proposition that all time should be wasted equally.

Famous Person: Abraham Lincoln

Explanation: If you don't know who Abraham Lincoln was, please allow me to enlighten you. The capital of Nebraska is named after him, his portrait is on the penny, he gave the Gettysburg Address, and every car dealership in the country has a sale in honor of his birthday. Oh, yeah - I think he was President or something, too.

Special Blog Contest: That's right! Coming soon to Jeremy's Status Message: MAD-LIBs week! I have the message. I just need some words for it. Post a comment or Sametime me, and if your words are chosen, you'll get credit for that day's status message!* Here's what I need:

• A gerund (noun created by a verb ending with -ing)
• A place
• An animal
• A method of communication
• An excuse
• A Windows application

I have enabled comment moderation so I can record and delete all comments in an effort to make the results a surprise.

*Unless you wish to remain anonymous, which is completely understandable. Hell, my real name is Phil.

Didn't Mr. Belding Notice This?

Isn't it a little odd that there were only three girls at Bayside High?

Explanation: On Saved By the Bell, the only three girls we ever saw at Bayside High School were Lisa Turtle, Jesse Spano, and Kelly Kapowski. That was it. School sporting event? Three cheerleaders. School play? Three actresses. Student protest? Three female protesters. Actually, there was that one time Screech was the "Pineapple Princess." Throw that in with his Miss Bayside title and you start to wonder about him...

As a favor to the world, I will not post any YouTube clips of Saved By the Bell. What I did discover was that there were occasionally a few other women at the school, including Screech's love interest, Violet, who was played by Tori Spelling. There was also the summer at the beach when Zach's love interest was one Stacey Carosi, played by Leah Remini of King of Queens. I even stumbled on a clip where Zach's love interest was Denise Richards. There's a moral to this story: Don't waste your time looking up Saved By the Bell stuff on the internet.

Special Blog Bonus Factoid: "A.C." stood for Albert Clifford.

A Brief Lesson in the History of Medicine

Back in the olden days, it was not uncommon for people to die due to ruptured bibliographies.

Explanation: Back in ye olden days in the times of yore, the field of medicine, or "leechology" as they called it back then, was not as advanced as it is in our modern times. Surgery, or "bonesawing", was a new field and pharmicology was more holistic than scientific. The typical apothecary had more useless items in it than the organic food section of your local grocery store. Today's annoying maladies were deadly killers back then. Today's common cold was known as the "common death", poison ivy was known as the "itchy death", hangnail was known as "hangdeath", and a dental cavity was called "tooth plague". If the poor people of this bygone black-and-white era were lucky enough to escape death by one of these more common maladies, the hand of Death was waiting just around the corner with more serious illnesses, like tuberculosis ("whooping plague"), smallpox ("spotted plague"), and appendicitis ("end-of-the-book plague"). My great-great-grandfather survived a near-deadly case of tableofcontentsitis, only to be done in by a ruptured bibliography. It was truly a dark and poorly-cited chapter in the history of medicine.

It's Witchcraft!

How do you fold an egg? It's impossible. It's witchcraft!

Source: This is from the King of Queens, which has found its way onto my TiVo recording list.

Explanation: Carrie has absolutely no baking skills and is roped into making a cake for a church bake sale. Eventually they just put icing on a couch cushion and hilarity ensues.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's an xkcd to start your week off right:

George is Dead

From the archives:

"Jerry this is Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back. BEEEEEP."

Source: This is from the The Caddy episode of Seinfeld.

Explanation: As always, there is a simple explanation. George gets locked out of his car, but is waiting for his new auto club membership to kick in before he seeks help. His car is in the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, where he works, and has been in the spot for several days. George Steinbrenner, the team owner, sees his car every morning when he comes in bright and early. Mr. Wilhelm, George's boss, sees the car late every night when he leaves. The two of them think George is working 18 hour days. George goes on vacation without telling his coworkers, but then remembers that there is a Chinese restaurant that leaves flyers on his windshield, so he recruits Jerry to go take them off. Jerry brings Kramer and the two of them discover a car covered with bird poop, so they take the car to the car wash. On the way back from the car wash, they see Elaine's friend Sue Ellen Mishke walking down the street with only a bra on. They are distracted and crash the car, but manage to get it back to George's parking spot in the Yankee Stadium lot. George Steinbrenner sees the car and thinks his devoted employee has been in an accident, but has still managed to fight his way into work. After a thorough search of the stadium, Steinbrenner cannot find George and proclaims him dead, at which point he pays a call to George's parents. Frank Costanza calls Jerry to tell him the bad news, but Jerry is not home, so he leaves the above message. See? Quite simple.

We Must Stop the Gob

From the archives:

Is it just me, or is it somewhat disconcerting that my box of "Everlasting" Gobstoppers contains over a hundred of them?

Explanation: If they're "Everlasting", why on earth do I need more than one of them? Also, what exactly is "Gob" and why do we want to stop it so badly? These are important questions, and I demand answers!

Important Question: Speaking of candy from our good friend Willy Wonka, what ever happened to Tart 'n' Tinys? They were my favorites and they seem to have just totally disappeared.