Does the $6 Million Man Need a Best Friend?

So, I thought the world wasn't fair when Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears crashed a car that cost as much as my house. Then I saw that an IBM executive cashed in $2.77 million worth of stock options, so I thought the world was even less fair. Then I saw that Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog. Now I think the world is just plain funny.


Explanation: No explanation needed, other than the fact that Leona Helmsley must have an interesting family, considering that her dog got $12 million and two of her grandchildren got nothing.

So here's my question. How does one leave money to a dog? A dog has no social security number. Does it pay taxes on the money? Is the money left to the dog's keeper? What restrictions force the keeper to spend that money on the dog? It's a freakin' dog! What does a dog need? It's going to live ten more years tops, and it's interests involve people food, licking itself, and pooping on the carpet.

Frankly, if I were the estate lawyer, I'd be all like "Yes, Mrs. Helmsley, $12 million to your dog. Sure thing!" Then I'd fill my name in instead. What would happen? Would the dog sue you after she died? I bet I could make this work.

Hexadecimal Exits

I know I've been working too much when I drive past Exit "seven able" on the Turnpike.

Explanation: If you work with me, this should require no explanation. If you work with me and this does require an explanation, then thank you, because I know you'll be fired before me next time layoffs come around. If you don't work with me, have no fear about not understanding this - it just means you're normal.

The short explanation is that we spend a lot of time dealing with hexadecimal numbers at work. Hexadecimal is base-16, meaning you need 6 more digits than you do with base-10. The 16 digits we use are 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A (able), B (baker), C (charlie), D (dog), E (easy), and F (fox).

So, when I see "7A" I think it's the hexadecimal number representing the bitstring "01111010" or 16*7 + 10 = 122 in decimal. The important thing is, as I headed southbound, I didn't expect to see exit 79 next.

You Sure It Isn't "Jandrew"?

Factoid of the Day: Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew.

Source: I saw this on Inside the Actor's Studio and thought it was a neat fact.

Explanation: When Michael Andrew Fox joined the Screen Actor's Guild, there was already a Michael Fox. So, he went with "Michael J. Fox" because he thought Michael J. Pollard had a cool name. You can read all about this on Wikipedia.

Special Blog Bonus: The Family Guy parodies Back to the Future:



And the real thing:

Bacon vs. Chocolate

If everything is better when it's coated in chocolate and everything is better when it's wrapped in bacon, which is better, chocolate-coated bacon or bacon-wrapped chocolate?

Explanation: It's a trick question! Bacon-wrapped bacon is the best! As I stared at chocolate-covered gummi bears in the grocery store checkout line the other day, I thought about this question (in between the nauseous feeling from the thought of chocolate-covered gummi bears).

Special Blog Bonus: Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon BACON!



Added Extra-Special Artery-Clogging Blog Bonus: Chicken-fried bacon!

Orkut is Mean

"Welcome, Jeremy. You are connected to 69,141,437 people through 0 friends."

Source: Google Orkut.

Explanation: I clicked on Google Orkut the other day and this is the message that came up on my screen. I don't think it's particularly nice of the good people at Google to remind me that I have no friends. Not one. Of almost seventy million people, I don't have a single friend. Well, at least I'm connected. That's something.

What Do Homer and Zidane Have in Common?

From the archives:

Well, animals are not like people, Mr. Materazzi. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Zidane.

Source: The World Cup and the Simpsons. I love these combinations of pop culture sources.

Explanation: OK, the World Cup element of this was because Zinedine Zidane went and headbutted the Italian defender Marco Materazzi during extra time in the 2006 World Cup Final. For one of the world's premier players in his final game, this was not exactly a high note to end his career on. Zidane was ejected from the game, leaving France short-handed. France went on to lose in penalty kicks.

Here's footage:


The Simpsons part is from the Bart Gets an Elephant episode. The Simpsons win Stampy in a radio contest, and after hilarity ensues for about 20 minutes, they give him away to an animal refuge, where he starts butting another elephant. When Marge asks the warden why Stampy is attacking all of the other elephants, the warden responds: "Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson." The camera zooms out and shows Homer repeatedly heatbutting the warden.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Appraising My Appraiser

From the archives:

My appraiser is worthless.

Explanation: Back when I was buying my townhouse, the whole process got delayed because of a miscommunication between the mortgager and the appraiser. I waited and waited for the appraisal to come in, but it never did, due to the fact that they never knew they were supposed to do it. Anyway, that led me to appraise my appraiser. And there you go.

Interestingly, after all that time, the appraiser came and miraculously appraised the property for exactly the value I was purchasing it for. I'm just amazed at how the sale price was perfectly set to the exact value of the house. Absolutely amazed. Wait... you think there's a chance that the appraiser knew the sale price going in? Noooo... I don't believe that. If that were true, then the appraiser's job would pretty much be just to match the sale price and collect their cut of the closing costs. Next thing you're going to tell me is that title insurance, mortgage title insurance, title mortgage protection insurance, and that check I made out to my lawyer's brother with the gambling habit were all manufactured closing costs as well.

Lawnmowing and Dentists

Going to the dentist is kind of like mowing the lawn in that the best part of both is knowing that you don't have to do it again for a while.

Explanation: I have to go to a dentist appointment this morning. My lawn also needs mowing. I wish I had better motivation for performing these tasks.

Special Blog Bonus: Seven and a half minutes of Bill Cosby on dentists:

Soduku? No. Sudoko. Nope. Soduku? Nope...

I'm writing a sudoku solver. Step 1: Figure out how to spell sudoku.

Explanation: As with any of my side projects, my goal isn't just to solve them. It's to solve them as fast as I possibly can. Throw in a snazzy user interface, and... well... you've got something that'll keep me off the streets for a month or two.

Special Blog Bonus: Always start with a simple case. Thus, I present the binary sudoku puzzle:

Maine Blueberries

I know what it means, and I'm still not going to buy "Dirty Blueberries" from a man on the side of the road wearing only shorts.

Explanation: It was blueberry season when we went up to Mainie. "Dirty blueberries" are fresh blueberries that still have stems and some leaves on them. At the time, I didn't know that, and the woman we saw shortly afterward on the side of the road advertising "Clean Blueberries" seemed to be a much better place to buy.

Special Blog Bonus: When I go to new places, I like to come up with creative names for the locals, even if they don't actually go by such names. For instance, people from Maine could occasionally be called "Mainenites" or "Mainetees," while Vermonters could also be called "Vermontaters" or "Vermontpudlians." I must say, on that trip, I saw quite a few "Massachusettsketeers" as well.

I'm Not Here To Talk About the Past

I categorically deny all of the recent allegations that this status message was ever assisted by any performance-enhancing substances.

Explanation: I'm shocked and appalled at the implications by former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco that this status message was enhanced by illegal chemical means in the past. This status message has never been aided by any banned substance, be it "The Clear", "The Cream", or SMGH (status message growth hormone). This status message is strictly fueled by caffeine, just like the status messages of our forefathers. The only thing this message has ever been injected with was wit - something Canseco could use himself.

In response to the suggestion by the commissioner that my blog post count during the "steroid era" of blogging be labeled with an asterisk, I say that I'm not here to talk about the past. I should also add, "LOOK! LOOK AT BARRY BONDS' GIGANTIC HEAD! BALCO! BALCO! BALCO!"

Are you still looking?

Crud.

Al Gore For Emperor

Vote Al Gore for First Emperor of the Moon.

Source: Futurama.

Explanation: Also of note is the fact that Al Gore invented the environment. Save it for it's creator!



Special Blog Bonus: A public service announcement from the man himself:

When You Think of Garbage...

From the archives:

"When you think of garbage, think of Akeem."

Source: Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Explanation: Hakim has been placed in charge of garbage at McDowell's* restaurant. This may be the worst flirting in history:

Prince Akeem: I am Akeem.
Lisa McDowell: It's nice to meet you, Akeem.
Prince Akeem: I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that requires disposal?
Lisa McDowell: No. It's totally empty.
Prince Akeem: When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.
Lisa McDowell: That's good to know.
Prince Akeem: When you think of garbage, think of Akeem.

Here's the trailer:



Back when Hakim Warrick played for Syracuse, I used to say this whenever I saw him grab a rebound. Of course, I didn't watch that much college basketball, but when I did, the joke was really fresh!

Special Blog Bonus: SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!



*Do not mistake McDowell's for McDonald's. See, McDonald's has the Golden Arches, McDowell's has the Golden Arcs. McDonald's has the Big Mac, McDowell's has the Big Mick. Both have two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but McDonald's buns have sesame seeds. McDowell's buns have no seeds.

Robot Grace

From the archives:

"Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace! In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jer-o-matic, 'one zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero one zero one... zero zero one zero one one zero zero one... two. Amen.'"

Source: Bender from Futurama.

Explanation: The following is an online episode explanation (from here). I can't possibly describe the episode better than this:

After a Beastie Boys Heads concert at Madison Cube Garden, Bender goes on a bender and gets hooked on power surges. His life begins a downward spiral until he finds salvation at the Temple of Robotology. Having found religion, his polite behavior becomes so irritating to his friends that they begin to tempt him with his old vices. When he finally succumbs and returns to his old ways, he is banished to Robot Hell where, in a musical extravaganza, he faces the Robot Devil and endures tortures unimaginable to man.

Special Blog Bonus: The audio clip for this is here. It's clip #12.

Deep Thoughts With Douglas Adams

I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day.

Source: Douglas Adams' The Salmon of Doubt



For those of you yearning for the awe of understanding why this post is so elegantly simple, it's because I spent way too long in a car last night and I'm pooped. My creativity will hopefully return tomorrow, as will the feeling in my shoulder, hopefully. Did I mention that I played volleyball on Wednesday?

A Special Request

You can't kill time. Time kills you.

Source: This deep thought was brought to you by my former coworker, who shall remain anonymous. Rob was also once responsible for the status message "A Yoda-sounding status message my manager requested." Given his strong history of requesting status material, I thought it worthy to give him a second chance.

Plus, he explained to us yesterday that he's never worked a full day in his life, and seeing as he continues to be employed, I am excited to become learned in his ways.

Special Blog Bonus: If I had video of the time he was curled up on the floor in the fetal position in fear of another manager, I'd totally post it. But, I don't. So, just imagine what it might have looked like.

Get Me Off the Michael Vick Experience!

Show of hands, please. Who had Michael as the first Vick brother to go to prison?

Explanation: Well, it sounds like Michael Vick is arranging a plea for his federal charges, and from what I've heard, there is no way he's getting out of this without doing some prison time (8 months at an absolute minimum is what the nice people on ESPN radio told me this morning).

Meanwhile, I haven't heard any news about Marcus Vick getting into trouble. What is this world coming to?

Next question: What does Virginia Tech do with Michael Vick Hall?

Special Blog Bonus: The old Michael Vick Experience:

Where Does He Get the Energy?

I asked my nephew, "Where do you get all this energy?" Then my wife reminded me of the twelve hours of sleep he gets each night plus the four hour nap during the day. I think I miss being two.

Explanation: Apparently, when you're two, it makes perfect sense that your sneakers make you faster than having bare feet (but only slightly faster than sandals, which you pronounce "candles", which also makes perfect sense). And when you're wearing sneakers, nothing seems better than to demonstrate you're fast by sprinting in 15 circles in a row around the room yelling "Run with me, Uncle Jeremy! Run with me!"

Luckily, Uncle Jeremy is wily enough to integrate a pretend nap into the "Run with me" game to slow things down a bit.

Special Blog Bonus: Sorry, but I don't have a video explanation of how to express enough interest in your baby sister's toys to keep her from playing with your stuff. Instead please enjoy this Far Side comic, which, like most of them, has nothing to do with anything:

Rabbit Season! Duck Season!

Rabbit season! Duck season! Rabbit season! Duck season!

Source: This Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd cartoon is a classic:



Explanation: You'll have to forgive me, but given what I've been doing at work combined with Saturday's duck posts has left this cartoon on my mind. And they say kids' cartoons used to be so violent...

Special Blog Bonus: Even more Fudd action.

Life's Little Lesson #134

From the archives:

Life's Little Lesson #134: No matter how many times you've done it before, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time, DO NOT bop a 600 pound tiger on the nose with a microphone.

Explanation: I posted this when Roy Horn (of Sigfried and Roy) was seriously injured by his tiger, Montecore back on October 3, 2003. Roy bopped the tiger on the nose in an effort to get the tiger to release his other arm. Instead of being freed, Roy ended up with a tiger mouth on his neck. Not the best of situations. While it appears that the microphone bop was not the reason for the original bite, I still think it's a good personal policy.

Also interesting is Wikipedia's explanation of the incident, where Steve Wynn, the former Mirage owner describes that all of this started because the tiger was "fascinated and distracted" by a woman with a "big hairdo." In Vegas? Really?

Something like this would never happen at a Penn & Teller show.

Quack

From the archives:

"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."

Source: Comedian Todd Glass

Explanation: See, ducks are just inherently funny. I don't know why, but they just are. In fact, in a 2002 study by psychologist Richard Wiseman and colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, UK, they verified this:

The team's analysis has also revealed the world's "funniest animal" - the duck. "If you're going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck," Wiseman says.

Special Blog Bonus: A Far Side involving a duck:

Enjoy This Dam Status Message

Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully functional power plant, so please noone wander off the dam tour. And please, take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions?

Source: National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation



Explanation: The Griswolds tour Hoover Dam. I love this joke. Every time I drive past a dam on the highway, I exclaim, "Dam!" Always good for a laugh (from me, at least).

Orange You Glad?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Source: The following knock-knock joke:

Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Explanation: A little while back, somebody I know (who shall remain nameless) was trying to remember how this joke went. In their effort to recall the joke I was subjected to participating in about 5 full-length efforts at recreating it. After about two unsuccessful tries, I was laughing hysterically at the fact that they needed to say the whole joke out loud during each attempt. I guess you had to be there.

Special Blog Bonus: Orange you glad I only posted a dancing banana?

756

I'd make a snide remark about Barry Bonds today, but I'm still waiting for him to start rounding the bases.

Explanation: If you've been completely isolated from the American media this morning, you will be surprised to find out that Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run, eclipsing Hank Aaron as the all-time home run leader in Major League Baseball. If you haven't been isolated from the American media, then you're already flat out sick of this story and you wish it would go away. You probably also think Bonds is a colossal .

The joke here is that Bonds likes to admire his home runs before he starts running the bases. He takes a full second longer than practically every other major leaguer in the batter's box after making contact to begin running the bases. I think this makes him a jerk. You may draw your own conclusion.

I would include footage of his 756th home run, but I have neither the express written consent nor the implied oral consent of Major League Baseball. Go find it on ESPN.com or somewhere.

New Windows

Installing new windows in our house seemed like a great idea until I had to reboot them for the tenth time.

Explanation: We had new windows installed in our house yesterday and they work great, except for the fatal exception error the one over the couch keeps taking. No matter how pretty they are, windows are windows. Thanks, Microsoft.

Where's the Moose?

Dear Maine,

I recently visited your state for several days. During that time I saw a Lobster Festival and some beautiful scenery, but no moose. As per your satisfaction guarantee, I kindly ask that you rectify this oversight by sending one moose to the address listed below. Thank you.

Jeremy

Explanation: We did, however, see a fake coyote, stuffed moose, an elk statue, and numerous majestic chipmunks. Oh, and this advertisement for Mooster:


Special Blog Bonus: I found it! Here's an MP3 of Moose In My House. Enjoy!