HUUUUGE!

From the archives:

My brother-in-law can totally lift that.

Explanation: I wrote this status message a few years ago after the weekend my sister got married. My brother-in-law happens competes in strongman competitions and has finished as high as sixth at U.S. Nationals (where the top 5 finishers go to the ESPN World's Strongest Man competition). Anyway, last night I went to see him compete and this seemed like a good time to rerun this old status message. Need proof?

After the competition, I jokingly asked if he would take a picture with me. He picked me up and this is the result. Now, admittedly, I weighed only about 190 when this picture was taken, but in his defense, he did only use one arm.

With the Third Pick in the NBA Draft...

I can understand Portland taking Greg Oden and Seattle taking Kevin Durant, but I'm really shocked that the Atlanta Hawks skipped the draft to wait in line for an iPhone.


Explanation: Seriously, have you ever in your life seen such high anticipation for something so expensive? We at Jeremy's Status Message have not. BUT, we have gotten our hands on the iPhone spec sheet, and here are some of the features that make it the most hotly anticipated product in years:

• Screen switches from portrait to landscape when you rotate it. iPhone curses at you if you spin it.
• Choose one of three MIDI ring tones.
• Bluetooth interface allows others to more easily steal your digital information.
• Free Steve Jobs screensaver included.
• iPhone does not, I repeat, not function as a weapon in any way.
• High resolution touchscreen will keep your lonely soul bright and warm on winter nights.
• Holding phone renders user invisible. Dropping iPhone in fire reveals the base control code for the Apple II written on its perimeter... in Elvish.
• According to taste tests, new iPhone tastes 20% better than classic iPod.
• Total babe magnet.

Maybe He Lost?

Anybody have any idea what ever happened to Parker Lewis? I guess he must have lost.

Explanation: Ah, the early 90's. If you don't remember Parker Lewis Can't Lose, allow me to refresh your memory. It was a show about a young man who was completely in control of his high school. One highlight I'll always remember is his teacher repeatedly calling out his name while taking attendance. Anyway, then he graduates and becomes like the youngest doctor ever and writes in his computer journal every night about how he's been put in charge of these three kids while he and his friends Vinnie, Buddy Lembeck, Six, Boner Stabone, Screech Powers, Steve Erkel, Rose Nylund, and Roseanne have some wacky adventures. Then Will makes jokes about Carlton and Uncle Jesse's hair right before Tim blows up the Christmas lights. Everyone had the same haircut, with these long sideburns, especially Dylan, even though he was the same age as Major Dad. Yep, for these crazy kids, Life Goes On, Step By Step. All you can really do is just get out of your Empty Nest and enjoy the Evening Shade during these Wonder Years. Or you can give up and jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Whatever.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are the first few minutes of the Parker Lewis Can't Lose pilot:

Fashion Advice

This summer, black is the new white! You heard it here first.

Explanation: Hey, you can't explain fashion. Other important items to note:

• Hot is the new cool.
• Orange is the new purple.
• Purple is the new green.
• Indigo is the new red, but the old blue.
• Up is the new down.
• Left is the new right. Right is now topwise.
• New is the new old. Or the old old. Wait... I have no idea.

This of course means that IOYVBIO is the new ROYGBIV. Update your physics textbooks, kids!

The Longest 8/10 Mile Ever

After hiking for an hour, the last thing you want to see is a signpost indicating that you have only traveled 0.8 miles.

Explanation: When a senior citizen recommends a hiking trail to you, you do not expect something physically challenging. You expect a leisurely stroll through the woods. Of course, that would imply that you followed the trail she suggested.

As we embarked on our hike this past weekend, there was quite an incline to the trail from the parking area, but we expected it to level out a bit. It didn't. At all. In fact, it pretty much took us straight up the side of a mountain. Every online hiking guide I can find for it describes our trek as "strenuous." Just to clarify, Jeremy's Status Message presents our Hiking Difficulty Guide:


As you can see, the hike distance only explains the horizontal component of the distance traveled.

Special Extra Hiking Advice: If you understand trail markers, you are less likely to hike yourself off the trail into a dead end.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

From the archives:

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." - Orson Welles

Explanation: Just something to keep you thinking while I'm out of the office today. If I didn't have better things to do, I'd have doctored up Michaelangelo's David in Photoshop and included it in this post. Maybe a David Cuckoo Clock or something. But, I have better ways to spend my vacation day. I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

Any Questions?

From the archives:

There are no such thing as stupid questions. Only stupid people who ask questions.

Special Blog Bonus: I couldn't resist posting this:



Extra Double Super Special Blog Bonus: And on that note, here's a perfect follow-up comic:

Cashtration

From the archives:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Source: I think I saw this on the internet while house shopping. The important lesson we learned this week is that cashtration is perpetuated by much-needed home improvements, like new windows. Yes, both windows and Microsoft Windows suck. Hopefully the former won't crash as much as the latter does.

Today is my service anniversary at work! Eight years and still employed! WOO-HOO!

Psychokinesis and You: Perfect Together

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Source: I found this one floating on the internet. I wish I could claim it as my own.

Special Blog Bonus: Since I can't find anything that even closely involves psychokinesis to put here, it seems like a good time for a comic. Here's something somewhat timely, since Jack Kevorkian was recently released from prison.

The Boots of Evil Were Made for Walking

I am mighty! I have a glow you cannot see. I have a heart as big as the moon, as warm as bathwater. We are superheroes, men. We don't have time to be charming. The boots of evil were made for walking. We're watching the big picture, friend. We know the score. We are a public service, not glamour boys. Not captains of industry. Not makers of things. Keep your vulgar moneys, we are a justice sandwich, no toppings necessary. Living rooms of America, DO YOU CATCH MY DRIFT? Do you... dig?

Source: The Tick. Only the one and only roaring lion of two-fisted cool would ramble on with a monologue like this. And for once, I found it on YouTube!



Listen to the man. He's like 8 feet tall.

T.G.I. Wednesday's

One week I want to eat at T.G.I. Friday's on Tuesday and Ruby Tuesday on Friday. Then the rest of the days I'll eat sundaes... except Sunday. On Sunday I'll have nachos. What can I say? I like nachos.

Explanation: Oh, come on! Like you've never thought of it. It might also be neat to eat a sundae at Friday's on Tuesday. Actually, Tuesday's sundaes are better than Friday's. Or, I can just eat nachos at both of them.

Hey, do you think Wednesday Adams ever watches Saturday Night Live? Do you think she's ever had a case of the Mondays?

How about Colts center Jeff Saturday? Does he watch Any Given Sunday before Monday Night Football?

WWMMD?

WWMMD (What would Mr. Miyagi Do?)

Explanation: Sometimes, you just need to ask yourself, what would Mr. Miyagi do? Well, I'll tell you...

What would Mr. Miyagi do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Mr. Miyagi'd do.

When Mr. Miyagi was in his house,
Training Daniel-san,
He made him do all sorts of chores,
"Wax on, wax off, wax on!"

When Mr. Miyagi was Arnold,
On that show Happy Days,
He'd make a burger and fries for you,
In many different ways.

So what would Mr. Miyagi do
If he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two.
That's what Mr. Miyagi would do.

Special Blog Bonus:

Video proof of Mr. Miyagi laying the smack down:



(Extra bonus points for Daniel for his stellar comeback at the end of this clip)

Cardinality and Four-Year-Olds

I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old
...

Explanation: It is my belief that the number 10^100 was named a "google" for one reason and one reason only - to aid in early childhood development. Childhood often breaks down into arguments that are essentially over who knows the highest number. For example:

Child 1: When I grow up, I'm going to have a thousand dollars.
Child 2: Oh yeah? When I grow up, I'm going to have a hundred thousand dollars.
Child 1: Oh yeah? Well, When I grow up, I'm going to have a million dollars.
Child 2: Oh yeah? Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have a billion dollars!
Child 1: Oh yeah? Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have a google dollars.
Child 2 realizes that he/she can never top that and runs away crying.

If children believe that a google is the largest number there is, then it frees them up to stop playing "can you top this" and learn other skills that will be valuable in their adulthood. This is very important and saves years of wasted time from children's lives.

Of course, when you have a math degree and your four-year-old nephew tells you that "a google is the largest number there is, so I win", it takes everything in your power to just accept your defeat and go back to whatever you were doing. In fact, I can't just let this one go...

Dear four-year-olds of America:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001.

I win. You lose. Also, when you're pretending to be Superman, you cannot also shoot spiderwebs out of your wrists. That's just not freakin' fair.

Love,
Uncle Jeremy's Status Message

Bosnians and Broncos, Oh My!

From the archives:

There's three things you don't trust: mother nature, mother in-laws, and mother freaking Bosnians.

Source: This is a quote from The Italian Job, only in the movie they say "Ukrainians".

Explanation: You know, I don't even remember what possessed me to post this. I think I just liked the quote in the movie and I like ragging on Nihad. (Maybe I just like having a friend who's Bosnian, who knows?)

Special Blog Bonus: My favorite part about The Italian Job was that my Ford Bronco was in a significant chase scene, chasing the Mini Coopers. I was, of course, rooting for the bad guy, because my truck was totally cooler than the Minis.

Here's a clip in French, but without many words. Of course, the way it scrunches up the Bronco, it looks like a Mini Bronco...



Extra Special Blog Bonus: This is the important part: My old Ford Bronco was in The Italian Job with Edward Norton, who was in Fight Club with Brad Pitt, who was in Ocean's Eleven with Julia Roberts, who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.

No Bosnians were harmed in the creation of this post.

Review Message

From the archives:

Review. Back in a few. (Poet. Didn't even know it.)

Explanation: I threw this status message up one day for a few hours while at a code review. I usually don't even save my non-active messages, but I liked this one. Plus, I'm busy this weekend, so it seems like a good fit.

No More Tears!

Water, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Sodium Trideceth Sulfate, PEG-80 Sorbitan Laurate, PEG-150 Distearate, Fragrance, Tetrasodium EDTA, Polyquaternium-10, Quaternium-15, Yellow 10, Orange 4, and possibly Citric Acid and Sodium Hydroxide: as gentle to eyes as pure water.

Explanation: Johnson's Baby Shampoo seems less gentle when you look at the ingredient list. See, this is the kind of idea that I get in the morning when I shower with my contact lenses in.

Fun in the Sun

Here in New Jersey, today will be a "Fun in the Mostly Cloudy Day".

Explanation: To my coworkers who are having their "Fun in the Sun Day" today, enjoy it! To those of you who are getting gyros tonight, enjoy! I'm not the slightest big jealous, nope.

Actually, I'm planning on doing something so great, something so amazing, everyone will be devastated that they weren't here to share in the splendor that was Jeremy's Fun in the Mostly Cloudy Day. Now, I just have to figure out what that is...

Special Blog Bonus: In the meantime, enjoy a comic strip:

He Will Break You

A normal heavyweight averages 700 pounds of pressure per square inch. Drago averages 1850 pounds. So the result is quite obvious. Whatever he hits, he destroys.

Source: Rocky IV. Ivan Drago's handler foreshadows what will happen to both Apollo Creed and Carl Weathers' acting career.



Little Known Fact: Dolph Lundgren has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney, was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, speaks five languages, and has a third degree black belt in Kyokushin Karate.

Even Lesser Known Fact: Dolph Lundgren has mail order degrees in both Murderology and Murderonomy, is going to marry a carrot, and has won more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined.

Mercy is for the Weak

Sweep the leg!

Source: The Karate Kid, of course.

Explanation: At the All Valley Under-18 Karate Championship, Daniel-san is nursing a bad leg and the Cobra Kai sensei wants to win at all costs, so... oh, forget it. If you don't know this scene, I'm sure not going to be able to help you.

Have you Jimmed It Lately?

I totally Jimmed it in the Target parking lot last night.

Explanation: A certain friend of mine, let's call him "Jim," owns a car that was advertised with the slogan "wider is better." As a result of owning a slightly wider than usual car, he has a slightly wider than usual turn radius. When in a parking lot, in order to pull into a spot, anyone with a wide car (not just "Jim") must veer to the side opposite the desired spot in order to pull into said spot. This is a simple procedure and is usually executed without much difficulty.

When a second, more desirable spot becomes apparent on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the first spot after you have begun your approach, that's when trouble can arise. Suddenly, the wide car (which was in perfect position to park in the first spot) is now on the wrong side of the lane to pull into the new spot. The car must be quickly moved to the other side of the lane. When the driver cannot get the far enough over to get into the newer, better parking spot, he has "Jimmed it" and is now out of luck.

In the following diagram, the driver first saw the parking spot on his left. He veered the car to the right, preparing to park in it. As he approached, the driver saw the better spot on his right. He then pulled his car left to get into the better spot, only to find that he had been too far right and couldn't maneuver his car into the new spot. He Jimmed it.


Even more interesting is the case where the driver discovers an even better third spot on the left after the second spot:


In trying to park in the second spot, the driver has moved the car too far left for the third spot. He has now Jimmed it twice! See how many times you can Jim it!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jimming it was discovered when in the car with "Jim," but it is not exclusive to "Jim." Admit it! You've done it too! And now you have a name for it. Consider it a public service provided to you by Jeremy's Status Message. You're welcome.