Last Minute Beer Substitution

I don't think Dos Equis is an "adult beverage." Now, if there was a "Tres Equis," that would be a different story.

Explanation: I'm not going to explain this any further. It's a little racy, I'll admit, but it was a last minute substitution for a wonderful LEGO post that can't happen due to technical difficulties. So, you get beer instead.

I'll throw in a whiny haiku, just 'cause I'm a good sport:

Can't chew on left side.
Black eye is now orange-brown.
And my heel still hurts.

Special Blog Bonus: Just to be nice, I will include M.C. Escher's Relativity in LEGO:

Pet Peeve: Pronounstitution

My Pet Peeve:

People who misfuse words.

Explanation: Yesterday, in an online chat, somebody made a snide remark about Ricky Williams' torn pectorial. Now, as far as I know, a pectorial should be a collection of photographs of men's chests. Why Ricky Williams has one, I have no idea, but the man smokes up a lot and did wear a wedding dress that one time, so I guess anything is possible.

As I thought about this, I realized that I have seen this phenomenon several times. Usually, it happens when somebody is reaching just outside of their vocabulary for a word. They don't quite get the word right, but they do manage to combine the word with another one, also slightly outside of their vocabulary. After a little stroll through my therannysaurus*, I have decided to call this phenomenon the misfuse of words. (This choice slightly edged out pronounstitution)

I can think of a few other examples of word misfuse. I was once told by somebody that a person had broken their tibula. I said "Wow, that's too bad," feeling for the poor guy - not only are his two lower leg bones fused together, but he managed to break them too! That just sucks.

Then, of course, there was Mike Tyson (Mike, if you're reading this, we at Jeremy's Status Message has nothing but the utmost respect for you) who once said, "I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian." I don't know much about South America, but I'm pretty sure he didn't plan on going there to be forgotten.

If you come up with any other examples of word misfuse, please feel free to post them as comments.

*I use a very big, very old thesaurus... with useless forelimbs.

Make Like a Tree...

It's ironic that they call them "leaves" because they just keep coming back.

Explanation: I raked and used the leaf blower this weekend. All the trees in our yard looked bare, so I figured it was safe to get rid of the leaves. Now the yard is covered with leaves again. I really have no idea where they came from.

Special Blog Bonus: Ten things I thought while using the leaf blower this weekend:

10) Two days from now, this lawn will be covered with leaves again.
9) If my name was Leafstache, leader of the leaf herders, J.R.R. Tolkien would be proud of me.
8) I bet I could dry a wet dog really fast with this thing.
7) I bet I could launch a small dog really far with this thing.
6) Blowing leaves into a headwind is not very productive.
5) I wonder if I can use this thing indoors...
4) You think Rapunzel uses one of these to dry her hair?
3) I would just love to take a joyride in the township's giant leaf vacuum truck.
2) Gee, I hope this electrical cord doesn't hit me in the face sometime today.
1) THIS BLOWS!

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen

Last week I ate two Thanksgiving dinners in six hours. Yesterday, I was proud that I managed to finish half a bowl of mashed potatoes. Oh, how times have changed.

Explanation: Today's status would be the reason I scheduled my periodontist appointment for AFTER Thanksgiving. The next family holiday is Hannukah, and latkes are easy on a damaged mouth.

Ironically, the procedure I had done yesterday is called a "free gingival graft". I find this name particularly amusing, considering that I will spend the remainder of the week working to pay for said procedure.

Special Blog Bonus: As a special bonus to you valued readers out there, I will not discuss any of the specifics of yesterday's procedure, nor will I discuss why my brief attempt at keeping my eyes open during the surgery failed so miserably.

It's All Fun and Games...

They say it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. I say, if you find yourself questioning whether it's all still fun and games, it probably isn't a good thing.

Explanation: See, you think of stuff like this after you remember that when something hits you really hard in the face, it makes a very distinct "clunk" sound. In my case, this "clunk" was the result of the business end of a 100 foot three-prong outdoor extension cord drilling me in the face. I still have no idea how it happened. I had it wrapped around my shoulder and was reaching down for something. I think it started to unravel, the end falling off the back of my shoulder, accellerating through the bottom of its arc, and finding its mark as it came up the other side. Regardless of what actually happened, it's never good when you find yourself asking the question, "Did I just blind myself?" It turns out that I did not. I do, however, have a large gash and a comical lump about a half inch from my right eye, though.

While I did post a new status message, I am not at work today. I am having gum surgery instead. If you think you'd prefer gum surgery to work, I will gladly switch places with you.

Thoughts On Vacuuming

From the archives:

10 Things I Thought as I Vacuumed My New House For the First Time:

10) Wow, this place is bigger than my old place.
9) This is going to take forever.
8) I wonder where my employer gets those carpet zambonis from.
7) Maybe it'll be better when we actually have furniture.
6) I wonder if I can vacuum a giant VT into the center of this room.
5) I bet they make ride-on carpet zambonis, too.
4) Am I taxed by the square foot?
3) If I walk forward and then back, I can make my footprints disappear.
2) A housekeeper can't be THAT expensive.
1) THIS VACUUM SUCKS!

Explanation: I have a LOT of time to think while I'm vacuuming. This would also be how I concocted Hoover's Paradox. I should also note that now that we have furniture, vacuuming is not much more fun.

Oh, the joys of home ownership! Today's chore: raking the yard.*

*I should note that raking the yard will still be a slightly more fun activity than Monday's scheduled periodontal surgery.

Mmmmm... Pony

From the archives:

"Today, I've personalized each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony."

Source: Bender from the Futurama episode, 30% Iron Chef.

Explanation: You can find a brief (and very confusing) episode guide here and sounds from the episode here.

Side Note: On Thursday morning, I was so hungry I could eat a horse. Now I'm so full, I feel like I've eaten a horse. No horses were actually harmed during this process, of course, of course.

And After The First Thanksgiving...

From the archives:

"Cochise was the last great American Indian chief to die free and absolutely unconquered. When several members of his family were captured, tortured, and hanged by the U.S. Cavalry, Cochise declared war on the entire Southwest and went on an unholy rampage, a warpath to end all warpaths. He and his warriors drove out thousands of settlers. Cochise the Avenger, fearless and resolute, attacked everything in his path with an unbridled fury. This song kinda sounds like that."

Source: Tom Morello, guitarist for Audioslave, explaining why the song Cochise was given that name.

Special Blog Bonus: I got a kick out of today's xkcd comic:

Happy Turkey Day!

From the archives:

If a status message is written on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and nobody is there to read it, can it truly be funny?

Explanation: This was my status on the day before Thanksgiving a year or two back. Obviously, it's not as good as yesterday's was, but it's your fault if you weren't in the office to see it.

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

The Greatest Status Message Never Posted

[Status Message Omitted]

Explanation: Today, as a special bonus to the brave souls who actually found their way into the office today, I have run my greatest status message ever. It took months to write, and quite possibly will never be topped. I have seamlessly blended hobbits, Seinfeld, volleyball, 2 Skinnee J's lyrics, and several jokes from the Simpsons into one glorious epic poem, all molded into perfect iambic pentameter. There's even a reference to the G.I. Joe cartoon of the eighties in there. Several who have ventured into work on this day before Thanksgiving have actually required medical attention due to the excessive laughing caused by this status message. Others were left speechless by my magnificent effort. Sametime outages have been reported because the server has just been overwhelmed by my brilliance.

But you? Poor you, you're not at work today to appreciate it, so you'll never know. Oh well. Maybe I'll top this status message someday. Not likely, but you can hope.

My Heel Hurts

Years ago, upon receiving the prophecy of my death, my mother dipped me in the River Raritan, which protected my entire body from harm.

Explanation: As with the story of the great warrior Achilles, I, too, was dipped into a river as a baby. My mother apparently also held me by the heel. And today, after a mere four games of volleyball last night, my fatal flaw has been exposed and I can no longer go on. Just leave me here and go on to save yourselves. Tell my tale to others so they shall remember me. THIS IS SPARTA!!!

OK, maybe I'm getting my stories confused. The fact of the matter is that the back of my heel hurts a lot and I can't walk normally today. Since I work remotely, you're just going to have to trust me on this. THIS IS SPARTA!!! (Fine, that time I just said it because it was fun.)

*We kindly ask that you refrain from making comments about the cleanliness of the Raritan River. Thank you.

**For like six years I played indoor volleyball all the time against Hector's team, and do I think of the Trojan War at all? Noooooooo.

A Short Film For A Short Week

Well, maybe you just weren't meant to write agricultural space tragedies.

Source: From George Lucas in Love. Hat tip to "Sorbet" Sam for this clip:



Friday's Trivia Results: The nine current MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL arenas or stadiums named for the teams that play in them are:

1. Yankee Stadium
2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards
3. Angel Stadium
4. Rangers Ballpark in Arlington
5. Dodger Stadium
6. Dolphins Stadium
7. Giants Stadium
8. Cleveland Browns Stadium
9. Charlotte Bobcats Arena

The (Evil) winner got five of them, with two others getting four.

Today's Status Message, Now With Less Status!

From the archives:

I have to run by the store later and pick up some Caffeine-Free Diet Mountain Dew, non-alcoholic beer, low-carb pasta, a cut of low-protein sirloin, and a low-fruit banana.

Explanation: On this particular day, I was frustrated with products that were being marketed as not having the one quality people purchase them for. OK, so maybe the majority of people don't buy steak for the protein, but I do. I still don't understand why anyone would drink Caffeine-Free Diet Mountain Dew.

The Velveeta Rabbit

From the archives:

"I got you this because I know you like rabbits and I know you like cheese."

Source: This is from the the Friends episode, The One With the Dirty Girl.

Explanation: Chandler, who is secretly in love with Joey's girlfriend, Kathy, offers to take care of buying a birthday present for her. He purchases an early edition of The Velveteen Rabbit, her favorite book. Kathy figures out that Chandler made the purchase and not Joey:

Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit? I kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
Chandler: What do you mean?
Kathy: Well, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know you like rabbits and I know you like cheese."

Special Blog Bonus: Want to have some fun over the weekend? Play Flash Empires.

It's Gray Friday!

Drive-by body pierce.
Get crazy with the Cheese-Whiz!
Whatever that means.

Explanation: It's a special song lyrics version of Haiku Friday! Today's lead haiku was inspired by Loser by Beck. That song has some bizarre lyrics.

But that's not all!

From Zoot Suit Riot:
Who's your daddy? Yes I am!
They should tell Pedro.

Explanation: Here I am cleverly combining the lyrics of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies and a quote by former Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez who proclaimed the following after a loss in 2004: "What can I say? I tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy." Nowhere else but Jeremy's Status Message can you find such a clever blend of pop culture and sports. Nowhere! Don't even look elsewhere! Seriously, stop looking.

I am the highway.
I am not your rolling wheels.
Audioslave rocks.

Explanation: I am the Highway by Audioslave is just a good tune. That's all.

He's the space cowboy.
Some people call him Maurice.
I just call him Steve.

Explanation: I'm sure you all know this one. In Joker, by the Steve Miller Band, some people call him the space cowboy. Some call him the gangster of love. I prefer just using his first name.

Special Blog Bonus: Now, stepping away from the world of music, I have several random notes to mention:

1. Congratulations to my favorite Bosnian on the purchase of his house today! Stay tuned to find out if Enter Sandman is playing on the public address system as he walks in to close.
2. Special note for Barry Bonds: You can't spell "indicted" without "dic". Think about that.
3. Happy Gray Friday! I deem it so, because it's not quite Black Friday yet. Only 34 shopping days until Christmahanukkwanzakah! This means one important thing: next week NOBODY will be here to read my status messages. Such fun!

And finally, here's a trivia question to keep you occupied during the holiday week. What are the nine current MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL arenas or stadiums named for the teams that play in them? (No cheating!)

No Pain!

I must say, I feel surprisingly good, considering that I had volleyball last night.

Explanation: If you recall, last week I played volleyball for the first time in a long long time and came home feeling like this:


Today, I feel no pain whatsoever. Of course, part of that could be because after driving the half hour down to the facility, I discovered that there were no volleyball players there. Apparently, the open gym last Wednesday was a one-time only thing and not a weekly event. Maybe I should have asked, huh? I must say, few things are worse than driving an hour for absolutely no reason.

Of course, there was the time that I was on my cell phone and started a three hour drive by going twenty minutes in the wrong direction on the highway, turning it into a three hour and forty minute drive. That was worse. The lesson there is to not use your cell phone while driving.

Special Blog Bonus: Several pictures of a LEGO castle that is flat-out sick:

Pic 1, Pic 2, Pic 3, Pic 4, Pic 5

And, as added fun today: A Nintendo Quiz! I got 68% (17/25), which is a D- where I come from. How will you do?

When you're done with that, you should see this site, which features complete maps from several popular video games (past and present).

This Post Goes On And On And On And On...

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, it just goes on and on and on, and on and on and on and on, and on and on and on and on...

Source: This would be a bastardization of the lyrics to Emerson, Lake, and Palmer's Karn Evil 9 First Impression off of Brain Salad Surgery. After looking this up, I don't believe I've ever seen an album title or song titles containing such random collections of words.

In fact, busting out my trusty Random Sentence Generator, if I ever have a band someday, I think I'll name it "The Economics Rots" and we'll call our first album "Its Technique Smokes." Now, I just need to muster up some musical talent...

Special Blog Bonus: Other notable things that seem to go on forever:

• The decimal representation of 3 1/3
• Eyes Wide Shut
• Our country's involvement in Iraq
• The n+1st workday after an n day workweek.
• Most nonfiction works over 400 pages
• Free Bird, by Lynyrd Skynyrd
• The Song That Never Ends. I will spare you the YouTube hits for this search.
• The media's infatuation with Britney Spears
• My current project at work
• Every baseball game I've seen in the last ten years

Since it's my blog, I reserve the right to add to this list as the day goes on.

Four Minutes of Fun!

You say potato and I say Tabata.

Explanation: Aside from the "po-TAY-toe" vs. "po-TAH-toe" thing, the point of this post is to mention Mr. Tabata. I shall now parapharse from T-Nation, which is one of the best exercise websites out there.

Tabata (whose first name I do not actually know) was a Japanese researcher who discovered an interesting method of exercise where one could increase both anaerobic and aerobic pathways at the same time. It's one of those strange training programs that seems to fit across disciplines: it's excellent for bicyclists, speed skaters, Olympic lifters, or the person looking to lose fat quickly.

The Tabata method is quite simple. Pick an intense exercise. Some of the best with weights are barbell front squats and "thrusters", which are dumbbell squats with a military press at the end. Use a light weight. Then do as many repetitions as possible in 20 seconds. Rest 10 seconds, and repeat seven more times. That's it. Four minutes and you will be fried.

I am trying to get into shape so that I can actually do these things. Last night I did squats. Just squats: no weight, no thrusters or anything, and only I managed to do three minutes of this before my legs stopped functioning. A week ago, I could only do two minutes. Someday, I will do a full four minutes.

You can also do these with sprints, either on foot or on a bicycle, neither of which I have had the courage to try.

Special Blog Bonus: If you go to YouTube and search for "Pumping Iron 1/9", the entire movie is up there. Major fun.

Starting at about 3:00 into this clip is my favorite scene from the movie (from part 5/9). Arnold's lifting partner is killing himself on squats. Absolutely killing himself. He collapses in a heap and Arnold just steps over him to prep for his set.

Operator, Get Me KL5-LEGO

You know you've been collecting LEGOs for a long time when you realize that you have phone bricks in both rotary and touch-tone.

Explanation: A few days ago, I drove home from my parents' house with what is perhaps my most valued childhood possession: my LEGO collection. Since I spent most of my time between ages 8 and 12 looking in my bins for the exact piece I needed to perfect my model, the grown-up anal me decided to organize my LEGOs a bit. This included putting them in fancy new plastic containers, blowing the dust bunnies off of them, and removing the half ton of birdseed shells that accumulated at the bottom of the containers, thanks to my childhood pet birds. (Luckily, birdseed is the ONLY legacy the birds left) Anyway, LEGOs are on my mind, and since I have just recently been through my entire collection, you may see quite a few LEGO status messages in the near future.

Rotary phone: LEGOs from the distant past.

Touch-tone phone: LEGOs from the slightly less-distant past.

Even more telling is the fact that I don't have anything that even resembles a LEGO cell phone.

Oh, and if you're wondering, I actually built and photographed the two scenes above. Be afraid - I may do this again.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are a few impressive LEGO creations I have come across online:

Mushroom House
Monster Present (with accompanying comic)
Sequoia of Secrets

Hello, Newman

From the archives:

"I'll tell you a little secret about ZIP codes. They're meaningless."

Source: Newman from Seinfeld, while trying to impress a woman.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's another Newman clip:

Welcome to Hungovember

Oktoberfest is a blast, but the real fun comes in Hungovember.

Source: "Hungovember" was totally stolen from The Onion, long long ago.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Far Side comic to help you get through your weekend:

Good on Nachos, Too!

Chile: Preventing Argentina from Enjoying the Pacific Ocean Since 1818.*

Source: This is the title of the article on Chile in Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition.


Other highlights include "France: One Nation Above God," "Iraq: They Had It Coming," and "Canada: For The United States, See Pages 9-22."

*Please note that this post pertains to Chile with an "e" and a capital "C", not chili with an "i" and a lower case "c". While chili with an "i" and a lower case "c" has most certainly had ill effects on most of those who have partaken in it, as have chiles with an "e" and a lower case "c", they have not (to my knowledge) ever prevented Argentinians from enjoying the Pacific Ocean. Furthermore, Chile with an "e" and a capital "C" cannot be eaten. If it was edible, it would have been consumed by General Augusto Pinochet in 1981.

VOLLEYBALL!!!

Feelin' fine.

Source: For you Simpsons enthusiasts, you should immediately recognize this as what Homer typed in their knockoff of The Shining in Treehouse of Horror V. I posted a video clip of this way back when, but it is no longer available on YouTube, so if you missed it the first time, you're out of luck.

Explanation: I played competitive indoor volleyball last night at a level I have not seen in a very long time. More to the point, I played volleyball at a level my body has not seen in a very long time. So, after 252 posts, it's about time I created a "Volleyball" label.

My wife seems to remember me saying things like "If I keep playing volleyball, my shoulder is going to keep getting worse and someday I'm afraid I won't be able to lift my own children." She also remembers me saying things like "My shoulder is back to 100%. It's fine as long as I don't play volleyball."

So, it's important for me to note that I feel just fine today. Nothing hurts. Nope. My body is finely tuned for such athletic activity. My shoulder is not, I repeat, not dangling from a thread today. I could totally reach that thing over my head with my right arm, I just don't feel like it. Not today, anyway. And those were not ibuprofens you heard from the bathroom, I was just finishing off my Tic Tacs. Yep. These tears are tears of joy.

Special Blog Bonus: I probably feel better than Phil Dalhausser did after this:

No More "Idiots" in New Jersey... Constitution.

Interestingly, one-third of local voters did NOT want the phrase "idiot or insane persons" removed from the state constitution.

Source: New Jersey statewide public question number four on the ballot yesterday:

Seeks voter approval to remove the words "idiot or insane persons" from the state Constitution as a reason for denying a person the right to vote and replace them with "person who has been adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting."

At this point, I should comment on how, while common sense did prevail on this issue, it's no surprise to me that these same voters leaned heavily toward one particular political party. I should also comment on how I voted for the other political party, and that I think their party is evil and stupid.

Link of the Day: The authors of Freakonomics discuss voting. Think your vote counts? Time to get depressed. (This is why I saved this post for AFTER election day)

Make a Difference Today

Vote YES on Proposition 3.

Explanation: It's time for Jeremy's Status Message to make a difference. Today is Election Day - get out there and vote. And when you do vote, vote YES on Proposition 3. Your YES vote is important for those most effected by Proposition 3. Your YES vote is a vote in favor of the most important proposition your town has faced since Proposition 8 back in 1974. Proposition 3 CANNOT succeed without your support. You've seen the signs on your neighbors' lawns. There are people who want to put an end to Proposition 3. You must stop them. They support our country's slow descent toward fascism. They are evil. They like to kick sweet little puppies. A vote for Proposition 3 will stop them. It will drive them from your town. A vote for Proposition 3 is a vote for democracy. You've seen the commercials. You've heard all the arguments. You know what you have to do. Vote YES for America. Vote YES on Proposition 3. Make this world a better place for your children.

Special Blog Bonus: Wear the shirt! Support our cause!

E-A-G-L... And the Game Is Over.

Coming into this weekend, someone should have told the Eagles that "Fall Behind" only pertained to setting their clocks.

Explanation: I had the privilege of attending the Philadelphia Eagles' game against the Dallas Cowboys late last night, where the Eagles opened the game by fumbling the ball on the first play and then managed to get worse from there.

When Terrell Owens scored a touchdown and taunted the fans, somebody with me said, "I hope he gets out of here alive." I could not say the same.

Election Day is Coming!

From the archives:

Vote for the Apathy party in November. Or don't. I don't really care one way or the other.

Source: This is pretty much ripped off from an episode of Futurama, where Fry encounters a representative from the Apathy party:

Fry: "Now here's a party I can get excited about. Sign me up!"
Apathy Party Rep: "Sorry, not with that attitude."
Fry: "Ok, then screw it."
Apathy Party Rep: "Welcome aboard, brother!"
Fry: "Alright!"
Apathy Party Rep: "You're out."

Other sound bytes from this episode (as well as this one) can be found here. I particularly like the Richard Nixon quotes.

Remember to vote early and vote often on Tuesday!

Mike Vick, Are You Reading This?

From the archives:

No animals were harmed in the typing of this message.

Source: This is paraphrased from the line you always see in movie credits. I just watched 300 where some giant elephants got knocked off a cliff, so this seemed appropriate.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of "Animals", here's Kermit interviewing Animal from the Muppet Show:



And here's the Animal vs. Buddy Rich drum battle, with a hat tip to Peter for this clip:

Virginia Tech 27, Georgia Tech 3

The sun is shining,
Birds chirping. Life is better
When the Hokies win.

Explanation: Now, certainly I will concede to you that Georgia Tech, a very strong running team, came into the game with their top two running backs injured. That put the responsibility for their offense squarely on the shoulders of their quarterback, who apparently doesn't actually have very big shoulders. That being said, my Hokies responded to last Thursday's unspeakable heartbreak quite well, totally demoralizing the Yellow Jackets.

Haikus are better
Without all those censored words
Don't you think? "<BLEEP> yeah!"

Special Blog Bonus: More from The Big Bang Theory:

That's How We Roll

Yeah, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire.

Source: The Big Bang Theory, which is rapidly becoming my favorite show on television.

Explanation: This is from the Halloween episode. Leonard, who is dressed as Frodo, gets a big kiss in his apartment doorway from a drunken Penny. Penny's rather large, muscular ex-boyfriend sees it from Penny's apartment across the hall. Leonard says, "Yeah, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire." He then runs into his apartment, slams the door, and locks the deadbolt.

I really like this show. I highly recommend that you check it out on Mondays on CBS. Since I like it, it will be canceled soon, so you'd better tune in ASAP!

Special Blog Bonus: The guys invite Penny to see a Superman movie marathon: