Go Spain!

¡Viva España!

Explanation: Spain won the EURO 2008 soccer tournament yesterday (or this morning, if you watched the TiVo-delayed broadcast). I'm partial to Spain because I met my wife there while on vacation in an island paradise. Also because the Netherlands were already eliminated from the tournament.

As I watched the game this morning and realized that I might not be able to see the whole thing, I considered posting a "Do not tell me anything about the EURO 2008 final" status message. Then I considered my readership and decided that I'd better not chance it.

Here is Today's Post. Over.

From the archives:

[pant] [pant] Oh! Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey - I don't have any sweat glands!"

Source: This is from Family Guy where Brian (a dog) is out watching a soccer game and a woman thinks he is coming on to her because he's panting. Can you tell I'm hot this weekend?

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a good clip with Brian and Stewie and walkie talkkies:

Pardon Me

From the archives:

Pardon me while I burst into flames.

Source: This is from the Incubus song Pardon Me. It's a great tune and I just liked the line.

Explanation: This weekend, however, it seems particularly appropriate. No, not the next line ("I've had enough of the world and its people's mindless games"), but the weather. It's freakin' hot outside. So, should I spontaneously combust, it was nice knowing you. Have a nice life.*

*Except you, Luke Perry. You know what you did.

Smurf the Smurfing Casting Director

Should the Blue Man Group be upset if they aren't cast in the Smurfs movie?

Explanation: They're really the only blue people out there. It'd be a shame if they didn't get a part in the movie. Of course, I think they (much like the Smurfs) are freaky and weird) so I'm not going to include any video of them. As for the Smurfs, see if you can make it through this entire clip. I dare ya!



The Week In Links: I've seen some neat stuff on the web this week (mostly on Gizmodo), so here's a taste:

• Chrysler will offer wireless Internet access on all 2009 models
• Everything you ever wanted to know about LEGO
• They make mechanical digital clocks and watches
• Check out this skyscraper where every floor rotates
• How a 730 ton ball kept Taipai 101 from falling during the Chinese earthquake
• The secret LEGO vault
• We're Number One! (hat tip to Number Two)

My Subconscious Is Getting Smarter

According to my subconscious, there is now a bill that's actually worth 1/8 of $10. Consider yourself warned.

Explanation: So, last night I had a very involved dream. When I woke up immediately afterward, the whole thing was vividly in my head. One part I distinctly remember was receiving change for something, where I was due $18.25 and I received the change entirely in bills. There were $17 in normal denominations and then there was a bill with an "8" on it which represented 1/8 of $10. I have no idea why, but it did. I remember waking up and thinking, "Wow! I never get the math right in my dreams!" Apparently, my subconscious is getting smarter.

Anyway, this morning all I can remember is that I got the math right. This xkcd sums it up:

Can They Do the Mashed Potato?

Dancing Space Potatoes? You Bet!

Source: This is one of the tag lines under the first screen in the Futurama intro. Did you miss the episode with dancing space potatoes? Too bad for you. Other lines include:

• Mr. Bender's Wardrobe by ROBOTANY 500
• Condemned by the Space Pope
• This Episode Has Been Modified To Fit Your Primitive Screen
• As Foretold by Nostradamus
• Coming Soon To an Illegal DVD
• 80% Entertainment By Volume

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a comic for you:

The Late George Carlin Post

In honor of George Carlin, here are 7 words you CAN say on television: yarn, mittens, puppy, marshmallow, goldfish, happy, and waffles.

Explanation: News of George Carlin's death broke yesterday morning, and as a result, every blogger and their mother decided to post about him. Every George Carlin bit on YouTube has been seen thousands of times in the past 24 hours. Heck, you've probably seen them all, too.

Anyway, I'm jumping into the fray with a late post about a "late" guy. Everyone knows that Carlin did a bit about the seven words you can't say on television, so I decided to mention seven words that you can say. This makes my status message educational, family-friendly, and completely safe for use at work. Isn't it nice how that worked out?

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a George Carlin clip about baseball and football that you probably watched yesterday. It's still funny - watch it again.

Metric Post

My favourite part about the European soccer championships is how the players all give 0.1 kilopercent.

Explanation: It's just awesome to watch. Every player wants to win the championship, and they'll go the extra 1.61 kilometres to get there. They fight tooth and nail for every 2.54 centimetres. And with those kilosingles of fans behind them, rooting them on, it's quite a spectacle. Then, throw in games like this weekend's that went into extra time and shootouts: my heart was 0.45 kilogramming, and I wasn't even on the pitch with those guys. I can't wait until the semifinals start!

Special Blog Bonus: The new Death Star is available from LEGO. It's a mere 0.0004 megadollars - get one today before it's too late. Did I mention that it comes with (among others) LEGO Grand Moff Tarkin?

Halloween Humor... in June

From the archives:

"Caesar, a nun, and Pocahontas walk into a bar..."

Explanation: This isn't actually a joke, it's from Halloween of 2004:

  

See, Jim was Caesar, Cheryl was Pocahontas, and I was a nun. So there you go. If it was a joke, the punchline would involve the band members at the party getting into a fight and might also involve Super Grover. Just trust me on that.

Summer Vacation

From the archives:

And so, today, as I code away at my desk, summer vacation commences for the children next door. Luckily, I am a highly focused worker and things like this just don't bother... HEY, YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

Explanation: Yes, my laser-like focus keeps me from being distracted by the neighborhood kids toilet papering my house, using the mulch beds along my driveway as a bicycle ramp, spinning my mailbox around so it's backwards, practicing their bike skids in my driveway, and (of course) attempting to pee in the potted plant in front of my house. Sadly, all of this stuff has actually happened. Luckily, most of it hasn't happened lately. Of course, school is out, so I'm happy to report that the kids will now have more free time to be creative. Hooray!

Snake Eyes To King's Knight Six. Check.

Fussball ist wie Schach, nur ohne Würfel.

Source: This quote is attributed to German footballer Lukas Podolski.

Explanation: Translated, Mr. Podolski said, "Football is like chess, but without the dice." Words of wisdom. I heard this on last week's Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me when they referenced an article on famous German football quotations. Other gems include:

Mailand oder Madrid - Hauptsache Italien. (Milan or Madrid -- the most important thing is it's Italy.) - former midfielder Andi Möller

Es steht im Augenblick 1:1. Aber es hätte auch umgekehrt lauten können. (The score is currently 1:1. But it could also have been the other way around.) - German sports journalist Heribert Fassbender

Jetzt stehen die Chancen 50:50 oder gar sogar 60:60. (The chances are currently 50:50 or even 60:60.) - Former Bayer Leverkusen manager Reiner Calmund (whose IQ was once measured at 140 on a German television show)

Special Blog Bonus: Also on the show was this joke, told by Roy Blount, Jr:

Two men grew up in eastern Kentucky. One went off to make his fortune up North, while the other stayed home to run the farm and take care of the old folks. The one who went north prospered, was transferred to California, and rode the corporate ladder all the way to his company's presidency. Work kept him so busy, he never came back home to visit.

One day the one back home sent a wire, "Papa died. Funeral on Friday." The one in California wired back "Can't come. Must go to Japan for merger talks. Give Papa very best funeral, and send bill to me. Least I can do."

So, they buried Papa, and the company president got a bill for $8000. He paid it, and a month later he got a bill for $145. He paid it. The third month, he got another bill for $145. So, he called his brother and asked "What's with these $145 bills?"

His brother said, "Well, you said you wanted Papa buried in style, so I rented him a tuxedo."

The Third Day

From the archives:

"Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering just think of it like this: the third day. All right, Monday, one-day, Tuesday, two-day, Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day, okay?"

Source: Joey, from Friends, explaining how he remembers that something is on Thursday.

Explanation: Since I am out of the office today, a Thursday, I can finally re-run this message.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are some Joey clips to tide you over until I'm back in the office tomorrow:

Early To Bed

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man completely miss the NBA Finals.

Explanation: This is really a status message in two parts. First of all, I'm frustrated that every single game of the NBA Finals, this "great" series between the Lakers and Celtics, started at 9:00 PM. I know there's an East/West coast balance at play here, but for me that's just ridiculously late for a basketball game to start.

The second factor here is that I've been working out lately, and as a result I'm ready for bed MUCH earlier than I have been in the past. Yesterday, for instance, I was ready for bed at 4:00. I held out for a while longer, but went to bed at 9:00, which is the earliest I've been in bed since my Sesame Street days. I managed a nice, comfortable nine and a half hours of sleep. I am refreshed and ready to take on the world today. Just don't ask me any questions after 4:00.

So, combine last nights Game 6 9:00 start time with my 9:00 bedtime, and I completely missed the deciding game.* The NBA. It's FAAaaaaaaazzzzz...

*Apparently, given their 39 point loss, the Lakers also missed last night's game.

My Streak is Broken

Curse you Citgo and your $4 gas.

Explanation: So, the other day I went to my favorite gas station, a Citgo right by my house. They always have the best gas prices around. On this particular day, I think the unleaded price was listed as $3.93 a gallon. I gave the nice attendant my credit card and told him to fill it up with the regular. He gassed me up, and when I looked at my receipt to see the damage (I'm a masochist sometimes) I saw that I had paid $4.01 a gallon. First and foremost, I was infurated. Until that moment, I had never paid over $4 a gallon for gas. That jerk bastard broke my streak. Then I checked the price on the big sign, just to make sure, and started to study the pump, trying to figure out if I had been given some sort of premium gas by mistake.

It was at that moment that my wife pointed out the word "Cash" on the big sign next to the "$3.93". Apparently, they now charge different amounts for gas if you use cash or a credit card. I'm mostly frustrated by the fact that I go to this gas station all the time, and the reason this caught me by surprise is exactly that. You'd think the nice attendant would mention (assuming he spoke English*) that they now charge more if you use credit. But nooo. Instead the little jerk bastard barely muttered two words to me and made me break my streak. Now we have to find a new favorite gas station.*

*All of the attendants don't speak much English, but the gas station compensates for its non-American ownership by proudly displaying around 45 American flags of varying sizes.

*My criteria are low low prices and many many American flags.

The PGA: It's Faaaaaantastic

I watched 18 holes of golf yesterday only to find out that there would be 18 more today.

Explanation: After waking up on Sunday morning to see highlights of Tiger Woods's amazing round on Saturday, I couldn't resist taking a peek at the final round of the U.S. Open yesterday. After all, Tiger came in to Sunday leading by one stroke, but was clearly bothered by his surgically repaired knee. So, I planted myself in front of the television, only to find that the final round of the tournament started a bit later than I thought it would because it was on the West Coast. As a result, I watched the final pairing play almost their entire fourth round. TOO MUCH GOLF.

On the bright side, my couch potatoation was rewarded on the 18th hole when Tiger, the last person on the course, sunk an ice-in-his-veins 12 foot birdie putt to tie Rocco Mediate for a share of the lead. Then, and only then, did the announcers mention that the U.S. Open playoff format is to go 18 more holes on Monday. So, after watching all of that great golf, I'll probably just end up reading about the exciting conclusion online. Yippee.

The moral of the story is to never watch more than the last 5 holes of a golf tournament... unless Jean Van de Velde is involved.

It Happens

From the archives:

Anything that happens, happens. Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily happen in chronological order though.

Source: This is a gem from Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I don't really have much to say today, but hopefully pondering the quote should keep you busy for a while.

A Tough Lesson

From the archives:

You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.

Source: This was one of my favorite horoscopes from The Onion way back when. I haven't been reading them lately, so they're all new to me! Oh joy! Here are a few I just stumbled upon:

• Lady Luck will be on your side this week. Unfortunately for you, Lady Skill, Lady Experience, and Lady Applied Probability Theory won't.
• Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
• You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
• The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
• Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.

You can see them all here.

Special Blog Bonus: This has nothing to do with anything (as usual) but it's important to know that the slumping economy touches everyone:

Don't Hurt Me... Yet.

Please refrain from violence until my insurance policy is finalized. Thank you.

Explanation: As a financially responsible adult, I finally did the right thing and applied for life insurance. Any financial advisor will tell you that life insurance is important to ensure that your loved ones can continue on in financial security in case of your unfortunate demise. I, on the other hand, don't like betting in the first place, and betting on my own death seems just freakin' stupid. So there you have it. Both sides of the argument.

Anyway, yesterday the nice lady from the insurance company came to our house and took our vitals along with blood samples, so now our application for an insurance policy can continue on toward completeness.* For those of you who were planning any sort of violent attack in my direction, I kindly ask that you refrain until I have the appropriate coverage.

Special Blog Bonus: I know I've run a lot of Far Side comics lately, but "God at His Computer" seems too appropriate to pass up:


*At least, I'm pretty sure she was the nice lady from the insurance company. If she wasn't, then who was she and why did she want my blood???**

**I won't even mention the other sample she took.

Sorry

I'm sorry I keep apologizing.

Explanation: The other day I apologized for something silly and my wife told me to stop apologizing. So, I apologized for apologizing too much. Then I giggled and ran upstairs to write this status message. See, if the little things in life amuse you, you won't be depressed by all of the big depressing parts. Oh look! Something shiny!

Oh, and I'm sorry this post is so short.

Last Day of School

The last day of school just seemed more exciting back when I actually got a summer vacation.

Explanation: Today is my wife's last day of school. Her students have been done since last Thursday, but in my household, let's face it - today is the big day. I get very excited about it. Hey, who doesn't get excited when school is out and summer vacation is beginning! All that free time, all that beautiful weather, it's like a three month blank slate with limitless potential... except for one thing:

I DON'T GET THE SUMMER OFF.

For the next three months, I get to be the first person to wake up in the morning. I get to sneak around the house before work so as not to wake anybody else up so they can be well-rested for... well... resting. See, this is where telecommuting stinks. Imagine spending three months at work where your officemate doesn't have any responsibilities. That's kind of what it's like.

Well, I should mention that she'll take care of a lot of household chores, inside and out, and shop for me and does all sorts of nice stuff, but the fact remains, I am at work and she isn't.

Special Blog Bonus: What could possibly cheer me up? How about some Far Side cows?


Yep. They always seem to do the trick.