Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Birthday to me!

Explanation: That's right! Today is my birthday! And I'm at the beach. And I'm working a half day. So, I'm excited about my birthday, but not so much about the work part.

Maybe when I'm done with work, I'll watch 2*(16 Candles)+1. Or for something a little less wholesome, I'll catch Eddie Murphy in 6022.5*48 Hours. Or for something risquee, maybe 180.632*9 1/2 Weeks? Or, I can put down the calculator and go down to the ocean. Maybe that'll be my best course of action...

Since I'm still on vacation, regular posting will resume on Monday.

*Please send all gifts care of Jeremy at statusmessage.blogspot.com. Thank you.

Vacation Day

I'm on vacation today. Be back tomorrow.

Waffles!

The early bird may get the worm, but the night owl gets to go out for waffles at 3:00 in the morning.

Explanation: No, I was not up until 3:00 in the morning last night (or recently, for that matter) nor did I have waffles this morning. I have had waffles recently, though. Sweet, sweet waffles. Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh, my point is this. Would you rather have a worm or waffles? I'm all for waffles.

It Wasn't So Grand

If a movie has a gimmick, and all you've heard about is the gimmick, it's probably not going to be a great movie.

Explanation: I saw The Grand last night, which was was a poker movie about a ten million dollar poker tournament where the winner takes all and second place wins nothing. The gimmick of the movie was that, from the final table on, the tournament was decided by real poker playing and not by the script.

Yes, that's right. The exciting conclusion of the movie was based on the poker expertise of actors. Movies need scripts, people. That's the difference between movies and reality television.

I first heard of this movie on ESPN's Poker Edge podcast, where Phil Gordon gave it the following praise:

Well, the early reviews have come in from the poker players that have seen the movie, and uh, I think most of them have agreed that the poker playing was actually uhhh... adequate... and... and good.

You can download the whole podcast (all about the movie) here. The movie trailer is here.

Special Blog Bonus: Moving on to something cooler... Apparently this has been done before, but this is my first exposure to it. Behold, a LEGO Mindstorms Rubik's Cube solver:

(721)

Yeah! Yeah! 7/21!

Source: This is the chorus to the 2 Skinnee J's song (718). Well, sort of...

Explanation: I missed July 18th because I was at the shore, otherwise I would have been singing about 7/18. You may notice that I never warned you, my adoring public, that I was going on vacation. There's a very good reason for that. The reason is that I desperately needed a vacation. My apologies. Oh, and I had internet access while at the beach and I still didn't mention anything. Again, I needed a vacation. So, in case you haven't noticed, the moral of the story is as follows:

I needed a vacation.

*By the way, there is no 721 area code.

Well, the Lama Does Dilly-Dally

Some silly Sallies dilly-dally like the Lama.

Source: Wild Kingdom by the 2 Skinnee J's.

Explanation: Why am I posting Skinnees lyrics? Two reasons. First, I have an insane amount of stuff to do today and no time to come up with something better. Second, today is 7/16, which makes it two days until 7/18, which is the official date of all things Skinnee. So there you go. Need to hear something more creative? Ask Nihad why he's half Italian.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a comic for you to make up for my lack of creativity:

Jeremy's Diner

I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner. I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour the coffee. And he fills it only halfway, and before I even argue he is looking out the window at somebody coming in.

Source: This is the beginning of Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega, which I consider to be one of the catchiest (and therefore most annoying) songs of all time.

Explanation: If you read my status message and you got the tune in your head it will stick there and it won't leave and you will get kind of crazy. And with most songs, soon they leave you, and your head returns to normal, but with this one it just stays there, and so you go insane.

Da da daada da da daada da da daada da da daada
Da da daada da da daada da da daada da da daada

At this point I don't even need to type with the rhythm - everything you read from now on will sound like this freakin' song. So have yourself a nice day and I am sorry for the trouble, but it might help if you find somebody and you pass it on.

Da da daada da da daada da da daada da da daada
Da da daada da da daada da da daada da da daada

Lemmings Get a Bad Rap

You know, nobody ever mentions lemmings in a positive light.

Explanation: This weekend I heard a speaker reference lemmings, and guess what? He was referring to how they plunge off cliffs to their deaths in the icy ocean. I was not surprised. Nobody ever mentions the positive aspects of being a lemming. In fact, I don't even know anything positive about lemmings. I'm sure there are just some good-natured downright personable lemmings out there who are totally unappreciated because of the belief that they are stupid enough to commit mass suicide into the icy deep. Be nice to lemmings!

Special Blog Bonus: I could somehow tie this to lemmings, but I'm not going to bother. Check out this Lego concorde:

Fill In the Blank

From the archives:

Fill in the Blank. "Seeing Jessica Simpson and Willie Nelson act in the same scene is like __________________________."

Explanation: Let's just say that The Dukes of Hazzard was a very scary movie, thanks to the acting talents of Miss Simpson and Mr. Nelson.

He Had His Own Bible, Too

Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do! Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, We do! Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do! Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, We Do, We do!

Source: This is the Stonecutters' song from the Simpsons.

Explanation: As I was flipping through the channels this morning, I stumbled across the fine piece of cinema that is Police Academy IV. Like any sane movie viewer, I started to ponder why exactly Steve Guttenberg was a star in that film. Then I remembered this song.



Special Blog Bonus: Mr. Jellyfish can thank the Stonecutters for this as well:

DON'T Leave the Light On For Me

While a nice gesture, sometimes leaving the light on for somebody is a horrible mistake.

Explanation: Last night, due to circumstances I will refrain from ranting about (for now), I unexpectedly had to return to the cabin my family is camping in for another night. Having been at work until pretty late, I wasn't going to return until after 10, so my parents were kind enough to leave the porch light on for me. It is a screened in porch, and the front door was shut, so it wasn't really any different than somebody would do at home... except for one minor detail: the cabin is in the woods. Furthermore, the cabin was the only source of light within a radius of at least a hundred yards.

When I got to the porch screen door, I saw (no joke) hundreds of moths circling the light. It was like there was a cloud of bugs in the porch. Apparently the screening on the porch wasn't moth-proof. I had to run through this cloud to reach inside and turn off the porch light, slamming the door immediately, leaving myself on a dark porch with all the bugs. On the way out to the car again, I spent some quality time making sure that there were no moths in my mouth, nose, and ears. Even worse, I had to go back through the porch again with my second load of stuff. Needless to say, I won't mind sleeping in my own house tonight, far, far from nature.

Stinky Winkles

From the archives:

If you have a deaf dog named Periwinkle, you can call her "Stinky Winkles" without any fear of offending her.

Explanation: As I said, Peri and I spent a lot of time alone together. I talked to her quite a bit. She didn't hear much. This led to me coming up with numerous nicknames for her. "Stinky Winkles" was one of my favorites (her breath wasn't so pleasant). Also popular were "Stinkles," "Stinklebopper," "Stinklesaurus Rex," "P-Diddy Puff Stuff," and numerous others that I can't recall right now.


In case you were wondering, stuffed animals are also good gifts for the dog who sleeps all the time. Can you find the real dog in this picture?

Deaf + Old = Impossible to Wake

From the archives:

WHO WOKE THE DOG UP? WHO? WHO? WHO?

Source: I'm paraphrasing the Baha Men, if you didn't know.

Explanation: As you know, I work from home. When Sarah was off at work, that would leave me and Peri alone in the house. You have to remember that Peri was both deaf and old, which made it very difficult to wake her. So, several times she was so deeply asleep we suspected that she might have died. Even worse, when we did make a noise loud enough to wake her, she'd practically have a heart attack because she was so startled. It was a tough life for an old dog.

So, naturally, at lunchtime, when it was time to let the dog out, I would walk through the house singing "WHO WOKE THE DOG UP?" as loudly as possible. That usually did the trick. If you never witnessed it, here's a photo of Peri in a rare moment of consciousness:


That pawprint pillow was another item Sarah gave the dog in hopes that she might like it. Imagine it, buying a pillow for a dog who slept 23 hours a day. She liked it. I was shocked.

Oh the Humanity!

From the archives:

A new house and a 14 year-old dog with digestive woes. Who thought this was a good idea?

Explanation: Sweet sweet Periwinkle never went in the house. Ever. She was so well trained. Unfortunately, sometimes the food didn't go through her in the right direction. Now would be a good time to mention that our entire house was carpeted in a very light easy to stain beige color. Resolve became a very important item on our shopping lists.


Yes, apparently she woke up once in a while to wreak havoc on our carpets.

The Excitement of Dog Ownership

From the archives:

New and improved! Now with deaf-dog action!

Explanation: When my wife and I got married and moved into our new house together, we had an immeediate addition to our family: Periwinkle. She was just an adorable old lady and I was very excited to have her in the house. Of course, I didn't know her little quirks at that point. Really, could this dog possibly be difficult?


My wife picked up this dog bed for Peri when shopping one day in hopes that she might like it. Peri apparently was never big into dog beds. So, Sarah laid the bed in a corner downstairs to see what the dog would think. I think the dog had spent an entire week straight sleeping in the bed when we decided that cutting the tags off wouldn't be a problem. Luckily she would change positions once in a while so we knew she was still with us.

Ah, Summer Vacations

From the archives:

Let's see. There was a cabin, a lot of rain, some really annoying horseflies, a trip to the CIA, a little volleyball, a dog funeral, seventeen family dinners, a piece of a Danish musical instrument, a strongman competition, celery, fireworks, Liz was late, my toenail was ripped off, a parade, a pool, more dominoes than I could ever imagine, my Intranet password expired, and now I'm back at work.

Explanation: Well, in honor of my vacation this week, I thought I'd bring back the wonderful memories of a vacation two years ago. Of course, our trip was cut short because our dog died, but that's beside the point. Actually, that kind of is the point. Since I'll be out of the office until next Thursday, I figured I'd bring back a few posts about everyone's favorite fifteen year old deaf Sheltie, Periwinkle. So, for the next few days, that's what you're going to get.


By the way, my toenail injury occurred during an intense game of Cranium. Not many people can say that, huh?

Friday Morning Live

From the archives:

LIVE FROM NEW JERSEY, IT'S FRIDAY MORNING!!!

Source: See, I'm ripping of the whole Saturday Night Live intro thing. I can do that because today is a holiday and I'm too lazy to come up with my own material. Of course, if I'm using an old "Live from New Jersey" message, is it really live? I have no idea. Don't think about it. Just go to a picnic today and try to enjoy some fireworks.

Hey - speaking of fireworks, my life insurance is active today! Just in time for me to do something stupid! Woo-hoo!

Kick Some Alien Butt Toda... Tomorrow

From the archives:

In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression or persecution, but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPE...' Wait... that's tomorrow... Never mind.

Source: This is paraphrased from the big motivational speech* in Independence Day. You know, right before they easily uploaded the computer virus onto the alien spacecraft. Now, if you'll excuse me, as a self-respecting software engineer, I have to go bang my head against the wall for a few minutes.

Explanation: For those of us who are actually in the office today, I thought that we could use a nice motivational speech. Yeah, I said "us." I'm in the office and rerunning an old status message. Maybe tomorrow I'll come up with a new one to make up for it. Maybe...

*I believe this speech was much more effective than the more traditional "Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee! Rah rah raft, upload a virus to their spacecraft!" cheer.

The Fire Truck Stalks Its Prey

The fire truck can consume eight times its bodyweight.

Source: On Family Guy, this is a factoid Peter Griffin learned on a National Geographic special about firetrucks. The fire truck is a lone hunter which silently stalks its prey. Fire trucks launch into high-speed pursuit and take down their dinner using their deadly extension ladders. While feeding, they use their deep horns to ward off scavengers. This segment was so funny, I may spend most of Friday's Fourth of July parade giggling at the emergency vehicles.

Leaving it to YouTube to suck the funny (in this case the comedic timing) out of pretty much anything, here's the best clip I could find... at high speed.

Whirling Minion of Overhead Evil

Curse you ceiling fan, and the house you rode in on!

Explanation: Our bedroom ceiling fan is possessed. Well, either that or there's a short in it that causes it to behave erratically. I prefer to just assume it's possessed. The fan has an overhead light and six speed settings in each of two directions. Only one speed (the top speed) works. In order to attain the top speed, you have to hold down the "Fan" button while it cycles (slowly) through the five non-working speeds. When you turn the fan on, the overhead light comes on automatically. When you push the "Light" button to turn the light off, sometimes the light goes off and sometimes it doesn't. This is an irritating feature at bedtime during a heat wave. The light is quite bright and is not something you want on in your bedroom all night.

Anyway, last night, after about five minutes of trying, I managed to get the fan on and the light off. We went to bed with a comfortable breeze in a comfortable room. Life was good.

Then, at 3:00 in the morning, the power flickered and the overhead light turned itself on. It is a bright light. On top of that, it was a very dark room. Furthermore, I was in the middle of a dream where I was using a microwave* and I awoke thinking the room was on fire. That got my heart racing a bit, and as a result I did not get back to sleep for quite some time. I'm a little bitter about that this morning.

*Don't ask, I've given up trying to understand my subconscious.