The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's college football season!

Explanation: That's right! The college football season is underway. I have reason to watch Sportscenter again! It's time for your Jeremy's Status Message Virginia Tech Football Preview!!!

Virginia Tech Football Preview

Offense: Well, last year's ACC champions lost three wide receivers to the draft, and the fourth receiver graduated. Last year's running game was pretty weak, and the starting tailback was kicked off the team for disciplinary reasons. Oh, and two other tailbacks were injured in the spring and got a slow start this fall. The two-headed monster at quarterback is going with only one head, as Tyrod Taylor will be redshirting. Of course, last year he was going to redshirt also until the LSU game, three games into the season. So, the team has no proven weapons. The offensive line, however, should be much better this year, so that's something. Grade: C

Defense: The heart and soul of the defense last year, Xavier Adibi, Vince Hall, and Brandon Flowers, were all drafted, along with two defensive linemen. The defense was pretty deep, though, and should reload again this year, with cornerback Victor "Macho" Harris being the feature player on this side of the ball. Grade: B+

Special Teams: Frankly, I don't care if they send the band out on the field - Frank Beamer always gets and A on special teams. I don't know who's kicking or punting or returning kicks or anything. Doesn't matter. Grade: A

Intangibles: Virginia Tech has spectacular intangibles. You can't quite see them, and they're just out of your grasp, but they are there and they are incredible. You can't find better intangibles if you try. If you could measure the speed of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be really fast. If you could measure the strength of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be really strong. If you could measure the intangibles of the Virginia Tech intangibles, they'd be off the chart. But, you can't, so just trust me on this. They rock. Grade: A+

Language Arts: Jeremy needs to show improvement in his comprehension of poetry, and tends to lose focus while writing long blog entries. Grade: B

Mascot: Our mascot is a giant turkey who does the bench press in the end zone after touchdowns. Who else can say that? Grade: A+

Final Prediction: The team will win more games than they lose, they will cause me more stress than I need, and they will have less players arrested than LSU. Oh, and they'll go to a bowl game for the 16th season in a row.

Beware of Doug

Beware of Doug.

Source: The source is this Far Side, which I find particularly amusing for some reason or another:



Explanation: Let's explore some famous Dougs throughout history, shall we? There's the Doug cartoon:


There's the magician Doug Henning:


There's the fictional Doug Heffernan from King of Queens:


There's the ever popular Doug E. Fresh:


Ummm... I'm already running out of Dougs. Oh, there was also former Redskins/Buccaneers quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Doug Williams:


OK, that's all the Dougs I could come up with. Beware of them!

Special Blog Bonus: You may notice that the salesman in the cartoon represents the ACME corporation. In case you were wondering, Fortune magazine lists ACME as the world's second largest fictional company. See the 2007 Forbes Fictional 15 for more details.

You Are Getting Sleepy...

"I'm getting tired of all this napping."

Source: My wife, 7 1/2 weeks into her pregnancy.

Explanation: So, apparently one of the annoying symptoms of the first trimester of pregnancy is the inability to maintain consciousness for long periods of time. At one point, between naps, my wife complained about it and I thought it was particularly amusing.

Special Blog Bonus: Since I can't find anything else worth posting about napping, here's a George Costanza* tribute:



*See, there was a Seinfeld episode called "The Nap" where George took naps under the desk in his office at Yankee Stadium. This is where the Costanza link came from.

What to Expect

If I wrote a book for people trying to have children, I'd call it "What to Expect When You're Expecting to Expect."

Explanation: See, there are a zillion books about pregnancy with convoluted names like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect When She's Expecting" and "How Experts Expectorate Experimental Expectorants" (OK, I made that one up). Anyway, I think "Expecting to Expect" is a niche in the market that hasn't been overpublished yet. I'll let you know when I make my first million.

Special Blog Bonus: Need some excitement on your Tuesday morning? Here are a ton of couch scenes from the Simpsons:

Jeremy 2.0

Announcing Jeremy 2.0, slated for delivery in February 2009!!!



Explanation: Yes, that's right - today we at Jeremy's Status Message proudly announce the impending arrival of Jeremy 2.0, available for delivery in February of 2009. The estimated delivery date is February 13, but we all know dates tend to move in this industry.

Jeremy 2.0 is a highly anticipated feature-rich product, with numerous enhancements over Jeremy 1.0, including advanced food throughput, reduced emissions, enormous growth capability, and a "green" power-saving sleep mode.

To provide more information about this fabulous product and other exciting news from JeremyCorp (TM), we have launched SJROTTER.COM. Check it out!

A Special Message to Willie and Monica: You're going to be a Gruncle and Gramonica again! Although it's hard to believe that there could possibly be an improvement over Jeremy 1.0...

Que?

De las archivas:

Available in Spanish in SAP.

El Sourceo: Oh, admit it. You've seen it on the bottom of your screen when your favorite program came on. Every once in a while, I bet you've even hit the SAP button (if you can find it) just to find out what Homer Simpson sounds like in Spanish. I know you've done it. If you haven't, this is pretty much what you'd see:



El Blogo Bonuso Especial: What happens when you give LEGOs to a photographer during the Olympics? You end up with a set of LEGO Olympic scenes, like this one of a swimming event:

My 2004 Olympic Programming Rant

From the archives:

NBC: The official channel of Olympic gymnastics. Is it just me, or does it seem strange that after an entire day of Olympic competition, NBC decides to fill a quarter of their tape-delayed prime-time slot with exhibition gymnastics. Haven't we just watched gymnastics for like a week straight? Haven't all of the gymnastics medals been given out already? Aren't most of us sick of trying to figure out what the judges are looking at? In an entire Olympic games, you're telling me that the best Day 11 had to offer was a freakin' exhibition? COME ON!!! And don't give me this "female viewers are only interested in gymnastics and diving" crap. Half of the athletes our country sent are women. You think they all hurry through their (apparently uninteresting) events so they can get home and watch tape-delayed NBC footage of exhibition gymnastics? Somebody, stop this madness! I don't want Paul Hamm and Svetlana Khorkina in my living room anymore. Jeez...

Explanation: I just wanted to prove that my quadrennial Olympic television rant really is a quadrennial rant. This is my post from 2004. I'm still bitter.

Special Blog Bonus: Regardless of how bitter I am, it's always cool to see LEGO Olympic creations. Here's a Stormtrooper doing the clean and jerk:


You can tell it's the clean and jerk because of his hand position. Of course, LEGO figures can really have only one hand position, so they're pretty much incapable of doing the snatch. Then again, they're also made out of plastic, so maybe I should turn down my reality-meter a little bit. Here are more Stormtroopers competing in other events.

Back With Full Chewing Action!

I CAN CHEW ON MY RIGHT AGAIN!

Short, Happy Explanation: I finally got a permanent filling this morning and now that the temporary filling is gone, I can chew on my right side again. This ends over a month of only being able to chew on my left.

Long, Pissed Off Explanation: Over a month ago, a chewing discomfort turned into a chewing pain, and since it was joined by a sudden sensitivity to temperature, I decided it was time to make a dentist appointment. I covered this first stage of my saga in this post. The only good news I got during that appointment was that there was still a lot of "useful tooth" left and he could use a permanent filling after my root canal instead of a cap.

Fast forward to this morning (yes, I'm conveniently skipping over my root canal). I sit down in the chair to get my filling and the hygienist and I had the following conversation:


Hygienist: [Looks at my file] So, you're here for a crown?

Jeremy: No, he said he was just going to fill it.

Hygienist: It says here that you're getting a crown. Did you get a root canal?

Jeremy: Yes.

Hygienist: Then you're getting a crown. We'll file the tooth down and take the measurements today, put a temporary on it and then you'll come back in two weeks and have the crown bonded on. Don't worry, we can match the color.

(At this point, I should mention how ludicrous matching the color is, considering it's tooth #2. The tooth is a molar so far back in the top of my mouth, I can barely see it when opening wide in a mirror. The freakin' thing could be purple for all I care.)

Jeremy: I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO CHEW ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY MOUTH FOR OVER A MONTH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE??? He said last time that he'd fill it because there was still enough "useful tooth" there.

Hygienist: No, once you get the root canal, the tooth is dead and you can't fill it because it's delicate and you might crack it. I've seen cases where the tooth had to be extracted because it cracked, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to get a crown.

Jeremy: I AM SICK OF ONLY CHEWING ON MY LEFT. HE SAID HE'D FILL IT LAST TIME.


At this point, apparently the homicidal thoughts I was having were visible on my face and in the smoke coming out of my ears. She wandered out of the room and came back with the doctor, clearly having explained my hostility. The doctor explained (before looking) that he could either crown it or fill it, and gave the reasons for both. Really, the big threat when filling it is that the tooth, now dead from the root canal, could crack so badly as to require extraction. Given the health of my teeth, though, this doesn't seem like a terrible threat. Sooner or later it will chip and I'll need a cap, but it could be years before that happens. After looking at it, he said, "If you were my brother, I'd recommend you just get the filling."

If I were his brother, I'd recommend he fire that hygienist.

Diving anyone?

I... We'll be back with this status message, but first let's go out to the diving pool... am... More of this status message to come, but let's see what's going on at the diving pool... sick... stay right here and we'll be back with more status message after the gymnastics gala... of... we'll take you back to the conclusion of today's status message in just a moment, but first the heartwarming story of a person with a disability who isn't an Olympian, but is nonetheless special.. NBC.

Explanation: It's time for my quadrennial rant about Olympic television programming! My daily schedule allows me only a few opportunities to watch the Olympics: in the morning while I eat my breakfast, at lunchtime for 5 minutes as I catch my breath from lifting, and in the evening after work. My favorite time to watch would be between 6:00 and 7:00, when we can eat dinner in front of the television. What is on between 6:00 and 7:00? Olympic boxing. That's it. Boxing. I hate boxing, why would I watch Olympic boxing? I can't stand it. The hour I'm most likely to watch the damn Olympics and all I get is boxing. I guess I should just be happy that it isn't Olympic baseball or softball instead.

Meanwhile, NBC holds the exciting events (like the big ticket track and field stuff) on tape for their prime time coverage. So, I'm stuck watching the eight to midnight slot... except I go to bed at 10:30. No problem. I can just watch from eight to 10:30, and then TiVo the last hour and a half for viewing in the morning. I tried that the first night. I plopped myself down in front of the television at eight o'clock, and by nine-thirty, I had seen ten dives, thirty minutes of commercials, and a half dozen human interest stories. So now I have a new strategy. I start recording with the TiVo at eight. I start watching at nine-thirty, which allows me to fast-forward through all of the crap (diving, gymnastics gala, human interest stories, commercials, and everything involving Bob Costas in the studio). I go to bed at ten-thirty, and I catch up with the rest in the morning. It isn't perfect, but it keeps me from sending death threats to Bob Costas, so that's something.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's video of Usain Bolt winning the 200 meter sprint:

It's Olympicednesday!

I particularly enjoyed the men's solo synchronized diving finals last night.

Explanation: Well, it's about time I mentioned that the Olympics are going on, huh? A week and a half in and I'm finally posting about it. I think I'm slipping in my old age.

I sure enjoyed the solo synchronized diving finals on NBC last night, but far and away my favorite event was the tramp final. The acrobatics these athletes perform atop the tramp are just unreal. I didn't know some of those maneuvers were even physically possible, but the competitors are limber enough to pull them off. When you see an Olympic athlete mount the tramp, you just know something special is about to happen. That's what the Olympics are all about.

I do want to mention that I think it's morally wrong that several of the Chinese competitors were plucked from their homes and have been forced to train on one tramp or another every day of their lives since they were three years old. That just doesn't sit right with me. Whatever happened to the good old days, when people went to the tramp on their own accord?

Echo! (echo)

Today (today today) I consider myself (myself) not so lucky (lucky) but not too unlucky either (either). I will keep you updated if anything changes (changes).

Source: See, I'm trying to do a parody of Lou Gehrig's famous farewell speech at Yankee Stadium.



I'm not sure if the echo effect comes across quite as well in print. Oh well. I tried.

Bacon vs. Tofu

I told my wife to bring home the bacon and she brought me a check instead. What gives?

Explanation: It's not that I don't like the check, it's just that I specifically asked for bacon. And yes, technically I could use the money to buy bacon, so that's not it either. It's just that I wanted bacon. BACON!!!

Special Blog Bonus: For fun at home, I suggest you pick up Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu and pit them in a battle to the death.

Or, you can just put them together!

Thanks Again, Microsoft

The last thing you want to see on your screen during a thunderstorm are the words "Installing update 1 of 13. Do not power down or unplug your computer until installation is complete."

Explanation: Last night, a nasty thunderstorm was about to roll through our neighborhood, so I decided to power down and unplug my computer. As I shut down the last application, I saw the little warning icon on the bottom right of my screen indicating that there were Windows updates to be installed. After thinking about clicking on it, I decided it would be stupid to install updates during a thunderstorm, since a power outage could totally trash my operating system.

So, I ignored it and clicked "Shut Down." Next I saw a screen I've never seen before. It said that it was "Installing update 1 of 13. Do not power down or unplug your computer until installation is complete." Microsoft decided that the updates should be applied against my better judgement and started on its merry way, oblivious to the thunder outside.

First of all, let me just digress and ask how crappy your operating system has to be to require 13 security updates? It's not like I never download them. They're scheduled to be applied once a week. THIRTEEN? That's just stupid.

Secondly, if you've ever installed operating system updates before, you know that they can vary from a few seconds to twenty minutes apiece. So, 13 updates might take anywhere from a minute to an hour or two.

As the thunderstorm got closer and closer and the computer installed and installed, I got more and more nervous. The entire reason I shut down my machine was because I was scared of a power outage. Microsoft actually managed to make a power outage MORE DANGEROUS to me by compromising my operating system while the storm rolled through. The installation took about ten minutes or so, but it was the most stressful ten minutes of my week. When it was complete, I was thinking of sending a thank you note to my power company. Thanks, Microsoft. Next time I'm just going to pull the plug instead of shutting down properly.

That's a Fast Fastball

Olympic baseball players are better than you might think.

Explanation: Yesterday I turned on the only channel of Olympic coverage to find a USA baseball game on. As most of you probably know, I'm really not much of a baseball fan. In the five seconds I watched before changing the channel, though, something marvelous happened.

You see, in a brief moment of curiosity, I wondered if professionals were allowed to play, and if not, why, considering they can play in basketball. As I saw a few players whose names I didn't recognize, it was clear that they were amateurs... or so I thought. They mentioned that the American bullpen had yet to give up a hit in the tournament, and then it happened: the pitcher through a fastball that registered 152 on the radar gun. One hundread and fifty two! Our professionals only throw in the nineties! I was amazed! I didn't even know our Olympic team was that good. For a moment I marveled at how the catcher could handle such velocity without his glove and/or hand exploding. Then I changed the channel.

Special Blog Bonus: In completely unrelated news, check out this map.

One Fish, Two Fish, Goldfish, Blue Fish

My nephew has a solid blue goldfish named Spot.

Explanation: There really isn't much to explain here. He insists that his blue fish is a goldfish. He named it Spot. You can't argue with a three-year-old. Incidentally, he's also very excited that the fish swims occasionally.

Special Blog Bonus: Well, let's see. What haven't I posted here yet... How about Darth Vader doing the Thriller dance with Storm Troopers?

A Foray Into the Commodities Market

Commodities investing is harder than you might think.

Explanation: Given the rampant inflation we're facing and the unsteadiness in the stock market, I finally decided to reallocate a portion of my portfolio into commodities. After a lot of thought, I decided to avoid ETFs and market options, and make a direct investment, avoiding any of those annoying loads and management charges the exchanges will nail you with. While oil is clearly the hot mover lately, the volatility in that market scared me away. I considered some of the precious metals, gold, silver, and the like, but in the end I think I'd be buying at the peak right now. In fact, given the current commodities bubble, it was pretty difficult to find a position that wasn't already overvalued. I researched quite a bit, though, and finally found a commodity which I believe has a lot of upward movement in its future: iron.

So, I set my strike price at about 5.6 cents an ounce and eventually found a seller willing to meet it. I bought about 4800 ounces with the stipulation that I would complete the transaction in person: you do not want to pay handling fees for a transaction like this.

Monday was the set transaction date, so I cleared my calendar and headed down to the prearranged transfer location, where my prize was loaded up for me by the seller's agents. Everything went smoothly and I was looking forward to the ease of future investments until I got home and realized that the gentlemen who loaded my car were significantly larger than I was.

After quite a bit of work, however, I managed to move my new holdings into the safety of my garage. I am quite pleased with how everything went, and I plan to hold this investment into the future through many ups and downs.

So, for those of you out there who are considering jumping into the commodities market, I suggest that you follow my lead and go out and buy iron, like I did. Just remember - moving your new 300 pound barbell set into the house will be quite a workout.

Sometimes You Have To Brag

Best. Parking spot. Ever.

Explanation: After spending three nightmarish hours in the car trying to get to Irving Plaza in New York City to see the 2 Skinnee J's last night, the whole ordeal was made worthwhile when my wife and I found a spot on the street fifty yards from the entrance of the venue. Fifty yards! Right there on the street! It was amazing. You could see my car from the front door. This will never happen again, so I really have to enjoy it while it's still fresh in my mind.

Other important notes from last night:

1. It took three hours to get there and an hour and a half to get home... and the trip home included going 30 blocks out of our way to drop people off at Grand Central Station.
2. I don't know who picks opening bands, nor do I know what controlled substances they are under the influence of when they do that choosing.
3. Who forms a heavy metal Bee Gees tribute band, anyway?
4. Any concert with live Guitar Hero is a cool concert.
5. You can actually choke on a yawn if somebody punches you in the solar plexus at just the right moment. Thanks, Jim.
6. Giving drunk people glowing light sticks to throw at other drunk people isn't really a good idea.
7. The aforementioned car trip is not a good warmup for bouncing through a concert.
8. Sure, there were like 30 beach balls flying around and everyone got a few touches, but my touches were all legal contacts. I saw several lifts and doubles.
9. When a lead singer crowd surfs toward the end of the concert, before you attempt to help him on is way, you should remember exactly how sweaty he is.
10. Pre-hydrate, don't dehydrate.

Dyslexic Guesstures

Few things are more amusing than dyslexic Guesstures.

Explanation: Last night, we had company over and after dinner we played Guesstures. If you've never played it, it's pretty much charades, only with four different answers and a time limit. One player on our team, perhaps our strongest player, gave a very involved clue involving his... ummm... "groinular" region. There was much laughing and several amusing answers were given, but not the correct one. Finally, as time ran out, we were told that our word was "LOIN" and nobody had gotten it. A few minutes later, another player came across the card and commented that his word was actually "LION". There was much more laughing at that point.

I Survived!

Yesterday afternoon at my appointed time, I began the journey toward a place I often equate with the very pits of Hell. I headed off on my way, knowing full well that unimaginable pain and suffering awaited me there. My appointment did not disappoint. Through the use of various instruments of torture, my body... no, my very soul was torn and beaten down until all that remained was the mere shadow of the person I used to be. No human being should endure such intolerable pain. And yet at the end, with what little strength I had left, I walked away from it under my own power. I survived my leg workout. After that, the root canal was easy.

Explanation: In preparation for the fun that was my root canal yesterday, I gave myself a brutal leg workout. Conveniently, I had an hour or so to lay in a chair after the workout, which was nice, since I couldn't hold myself up. I have to say, for a little while the root canal caused more pain than the leg workout, but right now, the legs are ahead by a mile. (And not because they are a mile long)

Also fun about yesterday's trip to the endodonist was that it took me past both my dentist and my periodontist. To quote my wife, "I don't even want to know what's past your endodontist's office." I'm guessing it's Camden.

Filter + Holes = Happy Shower

The water filter doesn't work as well with holes drilled in it, but it sure improves the shower flow.

Explanation: So, over the past few weeks, the water pressure out of my shower head has decreased quite substancially. It actually got to the point where even with the shower head pointed sideways, the water still pretty much fell straight downward. I gave up taking showers in there and used the other bathroom because the low water pressure took too long to get soap and shampoo off of me.

Finally, enough was enough. I opened it up and cleaned the filter as best as I could, but with no noticeable change. Then I said forget it and put the shower head back on with no filter. Talk about night and day. My shower was like Kramer's experience with the Commando 450 in the end of that Seinfeld episode.



Amazingly, the shower without the filter was too powerful for a confined space like that. I showered as quickly as I could, just out of fear. Plus, I could imagine how quickly my water meter was running at the time. The answer came in a trick my father once showed me. I used my power drill and a tiny bit to put a few small holes in the filter. Sure, it doesn't filter very well anymore, but the water pressure is just right.

Laptops vs. Desktops

You know, laptops and desktops handle brief power outages in very different ways.

Explanation: Last night we lost power for about a second. Everything went dark and then everything was back to normal and that was that. Here's a summary of how my laptop viewed the situation:

Well, I'm just sitting here waiting for Jeremy to come back to me, so I'll... Oh boy! I've been unplugged! I'm mobile! Wait a sec, I seem to have lost my network connnection... nope, I'm plugged in again - there's the network. I thought something exciting was happening there for a second, but I guess not.

Meanwhile, my desktop handled the situation a little more like this:

Teeth Are Overrated Anyway

Nothing beats waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about... dental work.

Explanation: The other night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking very clearly about dental work. I was not dreaming, unlike some other Jeremys. No, I was wide awake. It took me a few moments to realize why.

Last week I went in to have a filling replaced and walked out with a referral to an endodontist. I was not familiar with the word "endodontist" before last week. It's never a good thing when you walk out of a doctor's office with a new word. In this case, "endodontist" is from the Latin for "one who inflicts pain." It turns out my filling had cracked enough for a little cavity to form under there. As the dentist continued to drill down, the little cavity became bigger and bigger. Now I have a root canal scheduled for Wednesday. Even worse, he couldn't replace the filling, so I have to go back in a few weeks to have the filling done, after the root canal is deemed successful. This is just buckets of fun, I tell you. Buckets.

To hold me over until my root canal, my dentist gave me a temporary medicated filling. The tooth doesn't hurt, but late at night when the mint from my toothpaste wears off, it tastes like dental work. Oh, and I'm not supposed to chew on my right side until I get the new filling, so that's just wonderful. I'm already a slow eater. This doesn't help.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of not helping, here's a very appropriate Far Side about dentistry. I think it's safe to assume that the dentist is using a medicated temporary tennis ball here:

The World Is Flat

"I would rather be a genius born in China than an average guy born in Poughkeepsie" - Bill Gates

Source: OK, I'll tell you. The book is The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century by Thomas L. Friedman.

Explanation: So, today's quote is taken somewhat out of context. Here's the excerpt:

And as a result of China's drive to succeed, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates argued to me, the "ovarian lottery" has changed - as has the whole relationship between geography and talent. Thirty years ago, he said, if you had a choice between being born a genius on the outskirts of Bombay or Shanghai or being born an average person in Poughkeepsie, you would take Poughkeepsie, because your chances of thriving and living a decent life there, even with average talent, were much greater. But as the world has gone flat, Gates said, and so many people can now plug and play from anywhere, natural talent has started to trump geography.

"Now," he said, "I would rather be a genius born in China than an average guy born in Poughkeepsie."

But enough about Poughkeepsie. The following was by far the most amusing and bizarre quote in the entire book. It is a testimonial from a Google user:

I just want to thank Google for teaching me how to find love. While looking for my estranged brother, I stumbled across a Mexican Web site for male strippers - and I was shocked. My brother was working as a male prostitute! The first chance I got, I flew to the city he was working in to liberate him from this degrading profession. I went to the club he was working at and found my brother. But more than that, I met one of his coworkers... We got married last weekend [in Mexico], and I am positive without Google's services, I never would have found my brother, my husband, or the surprisingly lucrative nature of the male stripping industry in Mexico!! Thank you, Google!

And on that note, we'll bring this week to an end. Have a great weekend, everybody!