Back With Full Chewing Action!

I CAN CHEW ON MY RIGHT AGAIN!

Short, Happy Explanation: I finally got a permanent filling this morning and now that the temporary filling is gone, I can chew on my right side again. This ends over a month of only being able to chew on my left.

Long, Pissed Off Explanation: Over a month ago, a chewing discomfort turned into a chewing pain, and since it was joined by a sudden sensitivity to temperature, I decided it was time to make a dentist appointment. I covered this first stage of my saga in this post. The only good news I got during that appointment was that there was still a lot of "useful tooth" left and he could use a permanent filling after my root canal instead of a cap.

Fast forward to this morning (yes, I'm conveniently skipping over my root canal). I sit down in the chair to get my filling and the hygienist and I had the following conversation:


Hygienist: [Looks at my file] So, you're here for a crown?

Jeremy: No, he said he was just going to fill it.

Hygienist: It says here that you're getting a crown. Did you get a root canal?

Jeremy: Yes.

Hygienist: Then you're getting a crown. We'll file the tooth down and take the measurements today, put a temporary on it and then you'll come back in two weeks and have the crown bonded on. Don't worry, we can match the color.

(At this point, I should mention how ludicrous matching the color is, considering it's tooth #2. The tooth is a molar so far back in the top of my mouth, I can barely see it when opening wide in a mirror. The freakin' thing could be purple for all I care.)

Jeremy: I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO CHEW ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY MOUTH FOR OVER A MONTH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE??? He said last time that he'd fill it because there was still enough "useful tooth" there.

Hygienist: No, once you get the root canal, the tooth is dead and you can't fill it because it's delicate and you might crack it. I've seen cases where the tooth had to be extracted because it cracked, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to get a crown.

Jeremy: I AM SICK OF ONLY CHEWING ON MY LEFT. HE SAID HE'D FILL IT LAST TIME.


At this point, apparently the homicidal thoughts I was having were visible on my face and in the smoke coming out of my ears. She wandered out of the room and came back with the doctor, clearly having explained my hostility. The doctor explained (before looking) that he could either crown it or fill it, and gave the reasons for both. Really, the big threat when filling it is that the tooth, now dead from the root canal, could crack so badly as to require extraction. Given the health of my teeth, though, this doesn't seem like a terrible threat. Sooner or later it will chip and I'll need a cap, but it could be years before that happens. After looking at it, he said, "If you were my brother, I'd recommend you just get the filling."

If I were his brother, I'd recommend he fire that hygienist.

Diving anyone?

I... We'll be back with this status message, but first let's go out to the diving pool... am... More of this status message to come, but let's see what's going on at the diving pool... sick... stay right here and we'll be back with more status message after the gymnastics gala... of... we'll take you back to the conclusion of today's status message in just a moment, but first the heartwarming story of a person with a disability who isn't an Olympian, but is nonetheless special.. NBC.

Explanation: It's time for my quadrennial rant about Olympic television programming! My daily schedule allows me only a few opportunities to watch the Olympics: in the morning while I eat my breakfast, at lunchtime for 5 minutes as I catch my breath from lifting, and in the evening after work. My favorite time to watch would be between 6:00 and 7:00, when we can eat dinner in front of the television. What is on between 6:00 and 7:00? Olympic boxing. That's it. Boxing. I hate boxing, why would I watch Olympic boxing? I can't stand it. The hour I'm most likely to watch the damn Olympics and all I get is boxing. I guess I should just be happy that it isn't Olympic baseball or softball instead.

Meanwhile, NBC holds the exciting events (like the big ticket track and field stuff) on tape for their prime time coverage. So, I'm stuck watching the eight to midnight slot... except I go to bed at 10:30. No problem. I can just watch from eight to 10:30, and then TiVo the last hour and a half for viewing in the morning. I tried that the first night. I plopped myself down in front of the television at eight o'clock, and by nine-thirty, I had seen ten dives, thirty minutes of commercials, and a half dozen human interest stories. So now I have a new strategy. I start recording with the TiVo at eight. I start watching at nine-thirty, which allows me to fast-forward through all of the crap (diving, gymnastics gala, human interest stories, commercials, and everything involving Bob Costas in the studio). I go to bed at ten-thirty, and I catch up with the rest in the morning. It isn't perfect, but it keeps me from sending death threats to Bob Costas, so that's something.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's video of Usain Bolt winning the 200 meter sprint:

It's Olympicednesday!

I particularly enjoyed the men's solo synchronized diving finals last night.

Explanation: Well, it's about time I mentioned that the Olympics are going on, huh? A week and a half in and I'm finally posting about it. I think I'm slipping in my old age.

I sure enjoyed the solo synchronized diving finals on NBC last night, but far and away my favorite event was the tramp final. The acrobatics these athletes perform atop the tramp are just unreal. I didn't know some of those maneuvers were even physically possible, but the competitors are limber enough to pull them off. When you see an Olympic athlete mount the tramp, you just know something special is about to happen. That's what the Olympics are all about.

I do want to mention that I think it's morally wrong that several of the Chinese competitors were plucked from their homes and have been forced to train on one tramp or another every day of their lives since they were three years old. That just doesn't sit right with me. Whatever happened to the good old days, when people went to the tramp on their own accord?

Echo! (echo)

Today (today today) I consider myself (myself) not so lucky (lucky) but not too unlucky either (either). I will keep you updated if anything changes (changes).

Source: See, I'm trying to do a parody of Lou Gehrig's famous farewell speech at Yankee Stadium.



I'm not sure if the echo effect comes across quite as well in print. Oh well. I tried.

Bacon vs. Tofu

I told my wife to bring home the bacon and she brought me a check instead. What gives?

Explanation: It's not that I don't like the check, it's just that I specifically asked for bacon. And yes, technically I could use the money to buy bacon, so that's not it either. It's just that I wanted bacon. BACON!!!

Special Blog Bonus: For fun at home, I suggest you pick up Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu and pit them in a battle to the death.

Or, you can just put them together!

Thanks Again, Microsoft

The last thing you want to see on your screen during a thunderstorm are the words "Installing update 1 of 13. Do not power down or unplug your computer until installation is complete."

Explanation: Last night, a nasty thunderstorm was about to roll through our neighborhood, so I decided to power down and unplug my computer. As I shut down the last application, I saw the little warning icon on the bottom right of my screen indicating that there were Windows updates to be installed. After thinking about clicking on it, I decided it would be stupid to install updates during a thunderstorm, since a power outage could totally trash my operating system.

So, I ignored it and clicked "Shut Down." Next I saw a screen I've never seen before. It said that it was "Installing update 1 of 13. Do not power down or unplug your computer until installation is complete." Microsoft decided that the updates should be applied against my better judgement and started on its merry way, oblivious to the thunder outside.

First of all, let me just digress and ask how crappy your operating system has to be to require 13 security updates? It's not like I never download them. They're scheduled to be applied once a week. THIRTEEN? That's just stupid.

Secondly, if you've ever installed operating system updates before, you know that they can vary from a few seconds to twenty minutes apiece. So, 13 updates might take anywhere from a minute to an hour or two.

As the thunderstorm got closer and closer and the computer installed and installed, I got more and more nervous. The entire reason I shut down my machine was because I was scared of a power outage. Microsoft actually managed to make a power outage MORE DANGEROUS to me by compromising my operating system while the storm rolled through. The installation took about ten minutes or so, but it was the most stressful ten minutes of my week. When it was complete, I was thinking of sending a thank you note to my power company. Thanks, Microsoft. Next time I'm just going to pull the plug instead of shutting down properly.

That's a Fast Fastball

Olympic baseball players are better than you might think.

Explanation: Yesterday I turned on the only channel of Olympic coverage to find a USA baseball game on. As most of you probably know, I'm really not much of a baseball fan. In the five seconds I watched before changing the channel, though, something marvelous happened.

You see, in a brief moment of curiosity, I wondered if professionals were allowed to play, and if not, why, considering they can play in basketball. As I saw a few players whose names I didn't recognize, it was clear that they were amateurs... or so I thought. They mentioned that the American bullpen had yet to give up a hit in the tournament, and then it happened: the pitcher through a fastball that registered 152 on the radar gun. One hundread and fifty two! Our professionals only throw in the nineties! I was amazed! I didn't even know our Olympic team was that good. For a moment I marveled at how the catcher could handle such velocity without his glove and/or hand exploding. Then I changed the channel.

Special Blog Bonus: In completely unrelated news, check out this map.

One Fish, Two Fish, Goldfish, Blue Fish

My nephew has a solid blue goldfish named Spot.

Explanation: There really isn't much to explain here. He insists that his blue fish is a goldfish. He named it Spot. You can't argue with a three-year-old. Incidentally, he's also very excited that the fish swims occasionally.

Special Blog Bonus: Well, let's see. What haven't I posted here yet... How about Darth Vader doing the Thriller dance with Storm Troopers?

A Foray Into the Commodities Market

Commodities investing is harder than you might think.

Explanation: Given the rampant inflation we're facing and the unsteadiness in the stock market, I finally decided to reallocate a portion of my portfolio into commodities. After a lot of thought, I decided to avoid ETFs and market options, and make a direct investment, avoiding any of those annoying loads and management charges the exchanges will nail you with. While oil is clearly the hot mover lately, the volatility in that market scared me away. I considered some of the precious metals, gold, silver, and the like, but in the end I think I'd be buying at the peak right now. In fact, given the current commodities bubble, it was pretty difficult to find a position that wasn't already overvalued. I researched quite a bit, though, and finally found a commodity which I believe has a lot of upward movement in its future: iron.

So, I set my strike price at about 5.6 cents an ounce and eventually found a seller willing to meet it. I bought about 4800 ounces with the stipulation that I would complete the transaction in person: you do not want to pay handling fees for a transaction like this.

Monday was the set transaction date, so I cleared my calendar and headed down to the prearranged transfer location, where my prize was loaded up for me by the seller's agents. Everything went smoothly and I was looking forward to the ease of future investments until I got home and realized that the gentlemen who loaded my car were significantly larger than I was.

After quite a bit of work, however, I managed to move my new holdings into the safety of my garage. I am quite pleased with how everything went, and I plan to hold this investment into the future through many ups and downs.

So, for those of you out there who are considering jumping into the commodities market, I suggest that you follow my lead and go out and buy iron, like I did. Just remember - moving your new 300 pound barbell set into the house will be quite a workout.

Sometimes You Have To Brag

Best. Parking spot. Ever.

Explanation: After spending three nightmarish hours in the car trying to get to Irving Plaza in New York City to see the 2 Skinnee J's last night, the whole ordeal was made worthwhile when my wife and I found a spot on the street fifty yards from the entrance of the venue. Fifty yards! Right there on the street! It was amazing. You could see my car from the front door. This will never happen again, so I really have to enjoy it while it's still fresh in my mind.

Other important notes from last night:

1. It took three hours to get there and an hour and a half to get home... and the trip home included going 30 blocks out of our way to drop people off at Grand Central Station.
2. I don't know who picks opening bands, nor do I know what controlled substances they are under the influence of when they do that choosing.
3. Who forms a heavy metal Bee Gees tribute band, anyway?
4. Any concert with live Guitar Hero is a cool concert.
5. You can actually choke on a yawn if somebody punches you in the solar plexus at just the right moment. Thanks, Jim.
6. Giving drunk people glowing light sticks to throw at other drunk people isn't really a good idea.
7. The aforementioned car trip is not a good warmup for bouncing through a concert.
8. Sure, there were like 30 beach balls flying around and everyone got a few touches, but my touches were all legal contacts. I saw several lifts and doubles.
9. When a lead singer crowd surfs toward the end of the concert, before you attempt to help him on is way, you should remember exactly how sweaty he is.
10. Pre-hydrate, don't dehydrate.

Dyslexic Guesstures

Few things are more amusing than dyslexic Guesstures.

Explanation: Last night, we had company over and after dinner we played Guesstures. If you've never played it, it's pretty much charades, only with four different answers and a time limit. One player on our team, perhaps our strongest player, gave a very involved clue involving his... ummm... "groinular" region. There was much laughing and several amusing answers were given, but not the correct one. Finally, as time ran out, we were told that our word was "LOIN" and nobody had gotten it. A few minutes later, another player came across the card and commented that his word was actually "LION". There was much more laughing at that point.

I Survived!

Yesterday afternoon at my appointed time, I began the journey toward a place I often equate with the very pits of Hell. I headed off on my way, knowing full well that unimaginable pain and suffering awaited me there. My appointment did not disappoint. Through the use of various instruments of torture, my body... no, my very soul was torn and beaten down until all that remained was the mere shadow of the person I used to be. No human being should endure such intolerable pain. And yet at the end, with what little strength I had left, I walked away from it under my own power. I survived my leg workout. After that, the root canal was easy.

Explanation: In preparation for the fun that was my root canal yesterday, I gave myself a brutal leg workout. Conveniently, I had an hour or so to lay in a chair after the workout, which was nice, since I couldn't hold myself up. I have to say, for a little while the root canal caused more pain than the leg workout, but right now, the legs are ahead by a mile. (And not because they are a mile long)

Also fun about yesterday's trip to the endodonist was that it took me past both my dentist and my periodontist. To quote my wife, "I don't even want to know what's past your endodontist's office." I'm guessing it's Camden.

Filter + Holes = Happy Shower

The water filter doesn't work as well with holes drilled in it, but it sure improves the shower flow.

Explanation: So, over the past few weeks, the water pressure out of my shower head has decreased quite substancially. It actually got to the point where even with the shower head pointed sideways, the water still pretty much fell straight downward. I gave up taking showers in there and used the other bathroom because the low water pressure took too long to get soap and shampoo off of me.

Finally, enough was enough. I opened it up and cleaned the filter as best as I could, but with no noticeable change. Then I said forget it and put the shower head back on with no filter. Talk about night and day. My shower was like Kramer's experience with the Commando 450 in the end of that Seinfeld episode.



Amazingly, the shower without the filter was too powerful for a confined space like that. I showered as quickly as I could, just out of fear. Plus, I could imagine how quickly my water meter was running at the time. The answer came in a trick my father once showed me. I used my power drill and a tiny bit to put a few small holes in the filter. Sure, it doesn't filter very well anymore, but the water pressure is just right.

Laptops vs. Desktops

You know, laptops and desktops handle brief power outages in very different ways.

Explanation: Last night we lost power for about a second. Everything went dark and then everything was back to normal and that was that. Here's a summary of how my laptop viewed the situation:

Well, I'm just sitting here waiting for Jeremy to come back to me, so I'll... Oh boy! I've been unplugged! I'm mobile! Wait a sec, I seem to have lost my network connnection... nope, I'm plugged in again - there's the network. I thought something exciting was happening there for a second, but I guess not.

Meanwhile, my desktop handled the situation a little more like this:

Teeth Are Overrated Anyway

Nothing beats waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about... dental work.

Explanation: The other night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking very clearly about dental work. I was not dreaming, unlike some other Jeremys. No, I was wide awake. It took me a few moments to realize why.

Last week I went in to have a filling replaced and walked out with a referral to an endodontist. I was not familiar with the word "endodontist" before last week. It's never a good thing when you walk out of a doctor's office with a new word. In this case, "endodontist" is from the Latin for "one who inflicts pain." It turns out my filling had cracked enough for a little cavity to form under there. As the dentist continued to drill down, the little cavity became bigger and bigger. Now I have a root canal scheduled for Wednesday. Even worse, he couldn't replace the filling, so I have to go back in a few weeks to have the filling done, after the root canal is deemed successful. This is just buckets of fun, I tell you. Buckets.

To hold me over until my root canal, my dentist gave me a temporary medicated filling. The tooth doesn't hurt, but late at night when the mint from my toothpaste wears off, it tastes like dental work. Oh, and I'm not supposed to chew on my right side until I get the new filling, so that's just wonderful. I'm already a slow eater. This doesn't help.

Special Blog Bonus: Speaking of not helping, here's a very appropriate Far Side about dentistry. I think it's safe to assume that the dentist is using a medicated temporary tennis ball here:

The World Is Flat

"I would rather be a genius born in China than an average guy born in Poughkeepsie" - Bill Gates

Source: OK, I'll tell you. The book is The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century by Thomas L. Friedman.

Explanation: So, today's quote is taken somewhat out of context. Here's the excerpt:

And as a result of China's drive to succeed, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates argued to me, the "ovarian lottery" has changed - as has the whole relationship between geography and talent. Thirty years ago, he said, if you had a choice between being born a genius on the outskirts of Bombay or Shanghai or being born an average person in Poughkeepsie, you would take Poughkeepsie, because your chances of thriving and living a decent life there, even with average talent, were much greater. But as the world has gone flat, Gates said, and so many people can now plug and play from anywhere, natural talent has started to trump geography.

"Now," he said, "I would rather be a genius born in China than an average guy born in Poughkeepsie."

But enough about Poughkeepsie. The following was by far the most amusing and bizarre quote in the entire book. It is a testimonial from a Google user:

I just want to thank Google for teaching me how to find love. While looking for my estranged brother, I stumbled across a Mexican Web site for male strippers - and I was shocked. My brother was working as a male prostitute! The first chance I got, I flew to the city he was working in to liberate him from this degrading profession. I went to the club he was working at and found my brother. But more than that, I met one of his coworkers... We got married last weekend [in Mexico], and I am positive without Google's services, I never would have found my brother, my husband, or the surprisingly lucrative nature of the male stripping industry in Mexico!! Thank you, Google!

And on that note, we'll bring this week to an end. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Breaking News: Hawkwatch 2008

It's Hawkwatch, 2008!

Explanation: We interrupt our mystery status week to bring you this exciting news update:

This morning as I looked out my window to see if it had rained last night, I saw this on my driveway:

 

Given the coloring, I thought it was my neighbors' cat, who often hunts on my property. I've never seen the cat resting like that, though. After looking a little closer, though, I realized that it wasn't the cat.

 

Yes, it's my hawk. I call it "my" hawk because I know it lives in the woods behind my house and I often see it hunting as I gaze longingly out the window during work. I love this hawk. It's majestic and glorious, and (perhaps more importantly) along with the neighbors' cat, it pretty much eliminates any rodent problem the woods might present.

It appears the hawk has an injured wing. As my wife backed her car down the driveway (thankfully on the non-hawk side) it rose to its feet and appears quite capable of walking, and perhaps thrashing neighborhood pets as well. It does not, however, appear capable of flying. I put some water out for it, which prompted it to waddle off in the other direction. It is now resting lazily under a tree in my front yard.

I have made numerous phone calls this morning and will continue making them until somebody actually answers. I'll keep you updated on this breaking news.

Oh, and for those of you who are concerned about my theme week, have no fear - it will continue tomorrow.

Update, 10:50am: After finding several people to contact for raptor rehabilitation, I figured I should make sure the bird was still around before I tried calling again. Apparently, my feathered friend wandered his way back into the woods, because he's nowhere to be seen outside. Oh well. I hope his wing gets better. So ends the excitement of Hawkwatch 2008. We thank everyone who called/emailed with their thoughts and prayers.

Update, 11:12am: Hawkwatch is back on, people!!! The hawk has been located, I repeat, the hawk has been located. I have left a message at one of the local rehabilitation places and hopefully they will call me while I still know where the bird is. For those of you who called/emailed with your thoughts and prayers, get back to work! Think and prey harder!

Update, 11:14am: I just realized that I used "prey" instead of "pray". See, I was thinking "bird of prey" when I typed it and I got all confused... yeah, that's it.

Update, 8:24am, Friday: Zippy (as I have named him) is lost. I last saw him wandering about the woods behind the house. Hopefully I'll see him again soon. Also, I should mention that Zippy is a fully grown red-tailed hawk. You can't see exactly how big he is in the photos above, but he's probably about 20 inches tall. So, even without wings, I think Zippy could take down a yippy neighborhood dog or two. Here's hoping...

Would You Like Snow With That?

Yes, I'd like a Big Mac, a large fries, and a Diet Coke... in Missouri, please.

Source: This, too, is from the book I'm reading, which I will reveal on Friday.

Explanation: In an effort to improve service, a McDonald's franchise owner in Colorado created a call center to handle his drive-through orders. Anyone who pulls up to one of his numerous franchises to place an order is actually talking to an order taker in his call center, who relays the order via computer back to the franchise where the order was placed. Having highly trained professionals handle orders trims the average order time by more than 30 seconds, and puts his franchise among the fastest in the country. Seeing his success, other McDonald's franchises have started paying to use his call center as well. So, if you pull up to McDonald's just off U.S. Interstate 55 near Cape Girardeau, Missouri, you will actually place your order through the Colorado Springs call center. Scary, huh?

Not So True, But Interesting Factoid: In honor of this innovation, all of my Sametime responses today will actually be processed through a computer lab in Bangalore.

Sadly, This Factoid Is True: A not-so-stable friend of my college roommate worked at McDonald's during high school. Somebody placed an order for a Big Mac, a large fries, and a Diet Coke, and he went off on them: "You're getting a Big Mac and enough fries to feed three people. That's like 1500 calories! You think a Diet Coke is going to help you???" After some more colorful ranting, the customer responded that she was diabetic and could not drink regular Coke, at which point the enraged employee gave up and cooled off in the walk-in freezer for a while.

Mystery Week: Outsourcing is Cool (As Long As It Isn't Your Job)

I think I'm going to hire an outsourced administrative assistant.

Source: Yes, the source remains a mystery.

Explanation: In the book I'm reading, I discovered that there's a gentleman who created a company that will give you an Indian administrative assistant for $1500-$2000 a month. You may ask why on earth you'd want an administrative assistant in India instead of the United States, and I'll tell you why. India time is about a half day ahead of the United States. If you need a PowerPoint presentation created ASAP, you can make this request of your Indian administrative assistant as you leave for home in the evening. Your assistant is just starting his or her workday, and can spend the next 8 hours churning away on it while you eat dinner with your family, play with your kids, tuck them in and enjoy a nice quiet relaxing evening. When your assistant leaves for the day, he or she emails you your presentation and it's waiting for you first thing in the morning when you get in to work. Nobody has to put in any extra hours or anything! It's brilliant! I think I'm going to hire one.

Interesting Factoid: Outsourced telephone operators are taught that the letter T in American English is pronounced almost like a D, not nearly as crisp and sharp as the British pronounce it. To practice, they get to say exciting things like:

A bottle of bottled water held thirty little turtles. It didn't matter that each turtle had to rattle a metal ladle in order to get a little bit of noodles, a total turtle delicacy... The problem was that there were many turtle battles for less than oodles of noodles. Every time they thought about grappling with the haggler turtles their little turtle minds boggled and they only caught a little bit of noodles.

Mystery Week: UPS

On any given day, 2% of the world's GDP is being transported by UPS.

Source: Ah, therein lies the mystery.

Explanation: I just got back from vacation, and on vacation I like to read. The book I'm currently reading is loaded with some interesting facts, just like the one above. So, this week I'm going to use some of those facts as my status. On Friday I'll reveal the source. Until then, feel free to wager a guess.

For those of you who don't like UPS, you probably don't want to read the next factoid. But don't worry, I won't mention the army of brown shorts again this week.

Another Interesting Factoid: If you own a Toshiba laptop and need it repaired under warranty, UPS will collect it, ship it to a workshop at its Louisville hub, repair it, and ship it back to you. Toshiba never even sees the machine - they train the UPS technicians and then UPS can perform their repairs for them. This is a side of UPS that I never knew existed.