Five Days And Counting

The college football countdown is on!

Explanation: The Virginia Tech football season starts in five days when #7 VT opens the season against #5 Alabama. The countdown is on!

AMERICA!

Fear not Americans, for tonight we dine in VIRGINIA!!!

Source: Today's post is just an excuse to run the following Robot Chicken clip. One of their best ever, in my humble opinion.

Random Task

From the archives:

Ow! That really hurt... Who throws a shoe?

Source: I'm quoting Austin Powers today after Random Task threw a shoe at him. He then went on to tell Random Task that he fought like a woman. Good stuff. Now let's get to the exciting stuff.

Special Blog Bonus: Did you know you can get news on your computer? Check it out!

Coolio, Where Are Youio?

Does anyone know what ever happened to Coolio?

Explanation: For some reason, Gangster's Paradise popped into my head the other day and I wondered what ever happened to Coolio. What do you think? Is he a Senator from Minnesota? Did he ride his big wheel into the Pacific Ocean, never to be heard from again? Did Biggie (R.I.P.) sit on him? I want to know!

Special Blog Bonus: Some people have too much time on their hands. But, without these people, we couldn't waste our own time watching clever videos made with LEGOs about 8-bit video games.

Her Cup Runneth Over

Some say the cup is half full, others half empty. My daughter just wants to play with the cup.

Explanation: At six and a half months old, my daughter has plenty of toys - toys that play music and toys that do stuff when you press buttons. She has toys she can chew and toys she rattle. She has more than enough toys. So what is her new favorite thing in the world? A clear plastic cup. If the clear plastic cup happens to contain water, that's a bonus, but the cup itself is particularly exciting.

So, when somebody asks you if you're a cup half full or cup half empty type of person, just respond by saying "A cup! Oh boy!" That should send the right message.

On a related note, as she is trying really hard to move across the room, I was debating whether it would be cruel or helpful to put a plastic cup, a cell phone, and a pair of glasses (three of her most desired objects) on the floor a few feet away from her. I'm thinking it would be just the motivation she needs. Then again, as soon as she starts crawling, we have some serious baby-proofing to do. Maybe I'll just let her learn on her own.

Big Baby

Sixteen pounds, nine ounces!

Explanation: Yesterday at her 6 month checkup, my daughter weighed in at 16 pounds, 9 ounces. She is now, for the first time in her life, above the 50th percentile in weight. There are two important things to note about this:

1. We have sustained another human being for half a year and she's grown in the process! Spike would be so proud, if only he were around to see it.

2. I have no idea what the official age is where I can no longer look at my daughter, smile and exclaim "You're huuuuuuge!" I'm guessing she'll let me know when we get there, though.

Something Smells Fishy

Just for the record, fresh tilapia does not keep well in a trunk on a summer afternoon.

Explanation: In the confusion of unloading my daughter's car seat and all of our groceries yesterday afternoon, I missed one little plastic bag which had slid beneath her stroller in the trunk. That bag, of course, contained the $7.10 worth of fresh coconut-encrusted tilapia which we were going to eat for dinner last night. And, of course, I didn't discover that it had been left in there until I was starting to preheat the oven 6 hours later.

I had to run back to the store and get more fish, but even worse, I had to throw away $7.10 because of a (fish)boneheaded mistake.

I'm All Out

I don't recommend playing online poker during a thunderstorm.

Explanation: Last night, for the first time in an eternity, I popped online to play some poker. No real money was at stake, just pride. As my sit and go ran on, I started to see lightning out my window, accompanied by the ominous sounds of howling wind and thunder. When it was down to heads-up play, the storm caught up with me, or so I thought. The lights all flickered and there was suddenly nothing on my computer screen. Luckily, everything held on - it was only my monitor that had been briefly affected by the weather.

I told my opponent, "We have a thunderstorm here. You just almost won the easy way." It turns out those were the last words he heard from me. The power then completely disappeared for just long enough to take both of my computers with it.

And I was winning, too! Oh well. At least there wasn't real money on the line... and it's still safer than golfing in a thunderstorm.

FREE SPIKE!

FREE SPIKE!

Explanation: When I first got out of college way back in nineteen ninety mumblemumble, I started my first grown-up job and moved into my first grown-up apartment. As a favor to help add a little liveliness to my new digs, my sister volunteered to come up and help me pick out some houseplants. The two of us went out and found several very nice plants, knowing full well that the plants we bought would have to be resilient to the fact that I was a young single guy who would neglect them like no plant has ever been neglected before. We bought five or so plants and returned to my apartment to choose the perfect places for them. And that was that. I had pretty plants and my apartment was that much more cheerful.

Time went on and the plants began to drop off. Some fought mightily for years. Some didn't make it too long. By the time I moved into my townhouse a few years later, I believe the plant tally was down to two. By the time I moved to New Jersey, only one plant remained: my aloe plant, whom I had affectionately named Spike.

Over the six years that I was the sole caregiver for Spike, he fought through some hard times. There were great droughts and torrential downpours. There was dust. There was darkness. He saw it all and still survived. He is a trooper. He gave me hope that I can actually be responsible for another living thing and not kill it accidentally.

Then something wonderful happened in Spike's life (and mine). I got married. My wife is great with plants. At my insistence, she kept the ratty old aloe plant in our new house and began treating him just like she would treat any other plant. This was quite a change for Spike. He probably doubled in size that first year. He had to be pruned back, or "decapitated," as we described it. Little Spikes started sprouting out of his pot. He was pruned again. He flourished under her care. Spike loves my wife.

File photo with Spike in background. (2008)

But still, Spike is not what you'd call an aesthetically pleasing plant. Apparently, six years under my neglectful care left him a little scrawny and asymmetrical. My wife keeps him because I love him. But two weeks ago, something tragic happened.

We were planning for a big family gathering at our house. We have a small table by the front door on which we keep a plant my aunt and uncle gave us. Unfortunately, during past gatherings, we have learned that the table can be easily knocked over and that anything atop it is in danger. (Nihad, I'm looking in your direction) So, a pretty outdoor plant was purchased for the table and it was moved to the front porch. This started a tragic chain reaction which resulted in the plant from my aunt and uncle moving to Spike's spot. Poor Spike was banished to the garage.

And thus was born the "FREE SPIKE" movement. Despite protests from local Spike supporters, the poor guy has been imprisoned out there ever since, longing for the days of love and care that he had finally become accustomed to. Join this grassroots movement to get Spike back in the house. Free him from this unfair incarceration! Get him the life of water and Miracle-Gro that every living being so richly deserves! Call your local representatives! Write your senators! Invite others! Join the movement! Free Spike! Free Spike! Free Spike!

Special Blog Disclaimer: When informed of the grassroots movement being started in today's blog post, Spikes captors issued the following statement: "You have hands too, you know. Just move him back inside instead of whining about it."

Tea Time

"It's time to share a cup of tea..."

Explanation: My daughter hit the six month mark last weekend, which officially put her in the age range for a child's tea set she received as a gift when she was born. So, being good parents, we took out the tea pot, cups, and plate of plastic snacks and let her play with it. Being a good six-month-old, she found the button on the teapot that plays the same two songs over and over and over again and presses it repeatedly. Now I can't go anywhere without the following lyrics running through my head:

It's time to share a cup of tea.
Some for you. Some for me.
Always share and try to say
Please and thank you.

Special Blog Bonus: You just can't make this stuff up.

At Least It Wasn't Negative

Should I be happy or sad that my head scan came back "unremarkable?"

Explanation: Yes, I know I'm posting this retroactively, but for the thousands of loyal readers who expressed their concern regarding my head scan (typically by saying "It's about damn time you had your head scanned!") I just wanted you to know that the results came back as "unremarkable." Now I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about that. I guess if it wasn't "unremarkable" I wouldn't need to ask such questions.

If You're Snoring at Home...

I pulled off an unassisted double snooze this morning!

Explanation: That's right! None of this 9-minute amateur hour stuff for me, nosirree. I went for the 20 minute snooze. It's not easy, I tell you. A less experienced snoozer might have mistakenly turned of their alarm or accidentally changed the time. It's a complicated maneuver, but I pulled it off. Hopefully this makes up for my error during yesterday's triple snooze attempt where I accidentally reset the clock. That error cost me a half hour of extra sleep.

In related news, teething children do not sleep well... and neither do their parents.

Lotsalotsalotsa Bacon

Three pounds is a lot of bacon.

Explanation: This weekend, I found myself making three pounds of bacon for two breakfast casseroles. Looking at the recipe and seeing that you need three pounds of bacon is one thing. Actually looking at three pounds of bacon and thinking "I need to cook all of this" is quite another.

Anyway, after about an hour of cooking bacon, I was all done and treated myself to a small piece. It was totally worth it.

Special Blog Bonus: Have extra bacon? Uncle Willie suggests you check out these uses for bacon.

Commence Magnetic Brain Scanning!

When the prescription says "MRI of head" you begin to wonder if the doctor truly appreciates your intellectual abilities.

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i'll AnyWay bE OFFicE tHe ouT oF fOr whILe A tODay tHEY aS sCAN mY hEAd. inCONvenIence hOPe i CaUSe tHIS dOEsn't anYOne ANy.

Long Commute

"I'm going to work... I'm at work!"

Source: This is what I yelled to my wife a few minutes ago. You can do that kind of thing when you telecommute.

Explanation: You see, I was going to work. Then I got there. It didn't take very long. Therein lies the humor.

Special Blog Bonus: Not funny enough? How about this LEGO scene depicting the death of Jar Jar Binks?

The Joy of Transitioning

I wonder if Genghis Khan ever started a battle and then went off to work for another country.

Explanation: I have a collateral responsibility with my current job where I have discovered something which I firmly believe to be not right. It needs to be resolved. We need to put an end to this. I need to rally the troops! This is injustice! This is oppression! This is tyranny and WE WON'T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE! Are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME??? NOW LET'S GO TO BATTLE!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to step away to go start my new job.

Big News!

I have a new job!

Explanation: Officially announced yesterday afternoon, I have a new job! Am I leaving the company? No. Am I going to stop telecommunting? No. Is my new job going to be easier to explain to family members? Nope. So what's the upside?

I have a new job!

There you go. Wish me luck.

Call Me Scruffy

It's going to be one of those 2 o'clock shadow days...

Explanation: Today was one of those wonderful days where I had to be up three hours earlier than I would normally wake up. Therefore, I shaved three hours earlier. And as a result, I will have a 2 o'clock shadow. By 4 o'clock, I expect to have the equivalent of an NHL playoff beard, and by 6 o'clock, I should have the Tom Hanks Cast Away look going. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a jump on my afternoon by putting a bloody hand print on a volleyball.