Do-It-Yourself Joke

Michael Vick, Appalachian State, Big House. Make your own joke.

Explanation: Sorry for the late post - I'm having a crazy day. Vick is going to the big house soon and he won't enjoy it. Appalachian State went to play Michigan yesterday (at their stadium, which is known as the "Big House") and beat them in what was one of the biggest upsets in college football history. So, needless to say, they enjoyed their trip.

I've gotta run. If you come up with a good joke, feel free to post a comment.

IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

From the archives:

GO HOKIES!!!

Explanation: Yeah, this was a status message I ran once before. I have the records to prove it. Nothing too clever about it, I know, but it's absolutely perfect for today.


I've been waiting a long time for this. My school has been through more this offseason than I could have possibly imagined. All I've wanted since the shootings was for normalcy to return. And nothing is more normal in Blacksburg than cheering for the Hokies in Lane Stadium.

TODAY THE VIRGINIA TECH FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS!

Without further ado, I give you the video of Virginia Tech taking the field against Clemson last season. I still get goosebumps...

Does the $6 Million Man Need a Best Friend?

So, I thought the world wasn't fair when Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears crashed a car that cost as much as my house. Then I saw that an IBM executive cashed in $2.77 million worth of stock options, so I thought the world was even less fair. Then I saw that Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog. Now I think the world is just plain funny.


Explanation: No explanation needed, other than the fact that Leona Helmsley must have an interesting family, considering that her dog got $12 million and two of her grandchildren got nothing.

So here's my question. How does one leave money to a dog? A dog has no social security number. Does it pay taxes on the money? Is the money left to the dog's keeper? What restrictions force the keeper to spend that money on the dog? It's a freakin' dog! What does a dog need? It's going to live ten more years tops, and it's interests involve people food, licking itself, and pooping on the carpet.

Frankly, if I were the estate lawyer, I'd be all like "Yes, Mrs. Helmsley, $12 million to your dog. Sure thing!" Then I'd fill my name in instead. What would happen? Would the dog sue you after she died? I bet I could make this work.

Hexadecimal Exits

I know I've been working too much when I drive past Exit "seven able" on the Turnpike.

Explanation: If you work with me, this should require no explanation. If you work with me and this does require an explanation, then thank you, because I know you'll be fired before me next time layoffs come around. If you don't work with me, have no fear about not understanding this - it just means you're normal.

The short explanation is that we spend a lot of time dealing with hexadecimal numbers at work. Hexadecimal is base-16, meaning you need 6 more digits than you do with base-10. The 16 digits we use are 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A (able), B (baker), C (charlie), D (dog), E (easy), and F (fox).

So, when I see "7A" I think it's the hexadecimal number representing the bitstring "01111010" or 16*7 + 10 = 122 in decimal. The important thing is, as I headed southbound, I didn't expect to see exit 79 next.

You Sure It Isn't "Jandrew"?

Factoid of the Day: Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew.

Source: I saw this on Inside the Actor's Studio and thought it was a neat fact.

Explanation: When Michael Andrew Fox joined the Screen Actor's Guild, there was already a Michael Fox. So, he went with "Michael J. Fox" because he thought Michael J. Pollard had a cool name. You can read all about this on Wikipedia.

Special Blog Bonus: The Family Guy parodies Back to the Future:



And the real thing:

Bacon vs. Chocolate

If everything is better when it's coated in chocolate and everything is better when it's wrapped in bacon, which is better, chocolate-coated bacon or bacon-wrapped chocolate?

Explanation: It's a trick question! Bacon-wrapped bacon is the best! As I stared at chocolate-covered gummi bears in the grocery store checkout line the other day, I thought about this question (in between the nauseous feeling from the thought of chocolate-covered gummi bears).

Special Blog Bonus: Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon BACON!



Added Extra-Special Artery-Clogging Blog Bonus: Chicken-fried bacon!

Orkut is Mean

"Welcome, Jeremy. You are connected to 69,141,437 people through 0 friends."

Source: Google Orkut.

Explanation: I clicked on Google Orkut the other day and this is the message that came up on my screen. I don't think it's particularly nice of the good people at Google to remind me that I have no friends. Not one. Of almost seventy million people, I don't have a single friend. Well, at least I'm connected. That's something.

What Do Homer and Zidane Have in Common?

From the archives:

Well, animals are not like people, Mr. Materazzi. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Zidane.

Source: The World Cup and the Simpsons. I love these combinations of pop culture sources.

Explanation: OK, the World Cup element of this was because Zinedine Zidane went and headbutted the Italian defender Marco Materazzi during extra time in the 2006 World Cup Final. For one of the world's premier players in his final game, this was not exactly a high note to end his career on. Zidane was ejected from the game, leaving France short-handed. France went on to lose in penalty kicks.

Here's footage:


The Simpsons part is from the Bart Gets an Elephant episode. The Simpsons win Stampy in a radio contest, and after hilarity ensues for about 20 minutes, they give him away to an animal refuge, where he starts butting another elephant. When Marge asks the warden why Stampy is attacking all of the other elephants, the warden responds: "Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson." The camera zooms out and shows Homer repeatedly heatbutting the warden.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Appraising My Appraiser

From the archives:

My appraiser is worthless.

Explanation: Back when I was buying my townhouse, the whole process got delayed because of a miscommunication between the mortgager and the appraiser. I waited and waited for the appraisal to come in, but it never did, due to the fact that they never knew they were supposed to do it. Anyway, that led me to appraise my appraiser. And there you go.

Interestingly, after all that time, the appraiser came and miraculously appraised the property for exactly the value I was purchasing it for. I'm just amazed at how the sale price was perfectly set to the exact value of the house. Absolutely amazed. Wait... you think there's a chance that the appraiser knew the sale price going in? Noooo... I don't believe that. If that were true, then the appraiser's job would pretty much be just to match the sale price and collect their cut of the closing costs. Next thing you're going to tell me is that title insurance, mortgage title insurance, title mortgage protection insurance, and that check I made out to my lawyer's brother with the gambling habit were all manufactured closing costs as well.

Lawnmowing and Dentists

Going to the dentist is kind of like mowing the lawn in that the best part of both is knowing that you don't have to do it again for a while.

Explanation: I have to go to a dentist appointment this morning. My lawn also needs mowing. I wish I had better motivation for performing these tasks.

Special Blog Bonus: Seven and a half minutes of Bill Cosby on dentists:

Soduku? No. Sudoko. Nope. Soduku? Nope...

I'm writing a sudoku solver. Step 1: Figure out how to spell sudoku.

Explanation: As with any of my side projects, my goal isn't just to solve them. It's to solve them as fast as I possibly can. Throw in a snazzy user interface, and... well... you've got something that'll keep me off the streets for a month or two.

Special Blog Bonus: Always start with a simple case. Thus, I present the binary sudoku puzzle:

Maine Blueberries

I know what it means, and I'm still not going to buy "Dirty Blueberries" from a man on the side of the road wearing only shorts.

Explanation: It was blueberry season when we went up to Mainie. "Dirty blueberries" are fresh blueberries that still have stems and some leaves on them. At the time, I didn't know that, and the woman we saw shortly afterward on the side of the road advertising "Clean Blueberries" seemed to be a much better place to buy.

Special Blog Bonus: When I go to new places, I like to come up with creative names for the locals, even if they don't actually go by such names. For instance, people from Maine could occasionally be called "Mainenites" or "Mainetees," while Vermonters could also be called "Vermontaters" or "Vermontpudlians." I must say, on that trip, I saw quite a few "Massachusettsketeers" as well.

I'm Not Here To Talk About the Past

I categorically deny all of the recent allegations that this status message was ever assisted by any performance-enhancing substances.

Explanation: I'm shocked and appalled at the implications by former Major League Baseball player Jose Canseco that this status message was enhanced by illegal chemical means in the past. This status message has never been aided by any banned substance, be it "The Clear", "The Cream", or SMGH (status message growth hormone). This status message is strictly fueled by caffeine, just like the status messages of our forefathers. The only thing this message has ever been injected with was wit - something Canseco could use himself.

In response to the suggestion by the commissioner that my blog post count during the "steroid era" of blogging be labeled with an asterisk, I say that I'm not here to talk about the past. I should also add, "LOOK! LOOK AT BARRY BONDS' GIGANTIC HEAD! BALCO! BALCO! BALCO!"

Are you still looking?

Crud.

Al Gore For Emperor

Vote Al Gore for First Emperor of the Moon.

Source: Futurama.

Explanation: Also of note is the fact that Al Gore invented the environment. Save it for it's creator!



Special Blog Bonus: A public service announcement from the man himself:

When You Think of Garbage...

From the archives:

"When you think of garbage, think of Akeem."

Source: Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Explanation: Hakim has been placed in charge of garbage at McDowell's* restaurant. This may be the worst flirting in history:

Prince Akeem: I am Akeem.
Lisa McDowell: It's nice to meet you, Akeem.
Prince Akeem: I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that requires disposal?
Lisa McDowell: No. It's totally empty.
Prince Akeem: When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.
Lisa McDowell: That's good to know.
Prince Akeem: When you think of garbage, think of Akeem.

Here's the trailer:



Back when Hakim Warrick played for Syracuse, I used to say this whenever I saw him grab a rebound. Of course, I didn't watch that much college basketball, but when I did, the joke was really fresh!

Special Blog Bonus: SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!



*Do not mistake McDowell's for McDonald's. See, McDonald's has the Golden Arches, McDowell's has the Golden Arcs. McDonald's has the Big Mac, McDowell's has the Big Mick. Both have two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but McDonald's buns have sesame seeds. McDowell's buns have no seeds.

Robot Grace

From the archives:

"Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace! In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jer-o-matic, 'one zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero one zero one... zero zero one zero one one zero zero one... two. Amen.'"

Source: Bender from Futurama.

Explanation: The following is an online episode explanation (from here). I can't possibly describe the episode better than this:

After a Beastie Boys Heads concert at Madison Cube Garden, Bender goes on a bender and gets hooked on power surges. His life begins a downward spiral until he finds salvation at the Temple of Robotology. Having found religion, his polite behavior becomes so irritating to his friends that they begin to tempt him with his old vices. When he finally succumbs and returns to his old ways, he is banished to Robot Hell where, in a musical extravaganza, he faces the Robot Devil and endures tortures unimaginable to man.

Special Blog Bonus: The audio clip for this is here. It's clip #12.

Deep Thoughts With Douglas Adams

I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day.

Source: Douglas Adams' The Salmon of Doubt



For those of you yearning for the awe of understanding why this post is so elegantly simple, it's because I spent way too long in a car last night and I'm pooped. My creativity will hopefully return tomorrow, as will the feeling in my shoulder, hopefully. Did I mention that I played volleyball on Wednesday?

A Special Request

You can't kill time. Time kills you.

Source: This deep thought was brought to you by my former coworker, who shall remain anonymous. Rob was also once responsible for the status message "A Yoda-sounding status message my manager requested." Given his strong history of requesting status material, I thought it worthy to give him a second chance.

Plus, he explained to us yesterday that he's never worked a full day in his life, and seeing as he continues to be employed, I am excited to become learned in his ways.

Special Blog Bonus: If I had video of the time he was curled up on the floor in the fetal position in fear of another manager, I'd totally post it. But, I don't. So, just imagine what it might have looked like.

Get Me Off the Michael Vick Experience!

Show of hands, please. Who had Michael as the first Vick brother to go to prison?

Explanation: Well, it sounds like Michael Vick is arranging a plea for his federal charges, and from what I've heard, there is no way he's getting out of this without doing some prison time (8 months at an absolute minimum is what the nice people on ESPN radio told me this morning).

Meanwhile, I haven't heard any news about Marcus Vick getting into trouble. What is this world coming to?

Next question: What does Virginia Tech do with Michael Vick Hall?

Special Blog Bonus: The old Michael Vick Experience:

Where Does He Get the Energy?

I asked my nephew, "Where do you get all this energy?" Then my wife reminded me of the twelve hours of sleep he gets each night plus the four hour nap during the day. I think I miss being two.

Explanation: Apparently, when you're two, it makes perfect sense that your sneakers make you faster than having bare feet (but only slightly faster than sandals, which you pronounce "candles", which also makes perfect sense). And when you're wearing sneakers, nothing seems better than to demonstrate you're fast by sprinting in 15 circles in a row around the room yelling "Run with me, Uncle Jeremy! Run with me!"

Luckily, Uncle Jeremy is wily enough to integrate a pretend nap into the "Run with me" game to slow things down a bit.

Special Blog Bonus: Sorry, but I don't have a video explanation of how to express enough interest in your baby sister's toys to keep her from playing with your stuff. Instead please enjoy this Far Side comic, which, like most of them, has nothing to do with anything:

Rabbit Season! Duck Season!

Rabbit season! Duck season! Rabbit season! Duck season!

Source: This Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd cartoon is a classic:



Explanation: You'll have to forgive me, but given what I've been doing at work combined with Saturday's duck posts has left this cartoon on my mind. And they say kids' cartoons used to be so violent...

Special Blog Bonus: Even more Fudd action.

Life's Little Lesson #134

From the archives:

Life's Little Lesson #134: No matter how many times you've done it before, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time, DO NOT bop a 600 pound tiger on the nose with a microphone.

Explanation: I posted this when Roy Horn (of Sigfried and Roy) was seriously injured by his tiger, Montecore back on October 3, 2003. Roy bopped the tiger on the nose in an effort to get the tiger to release his other arm. Instead of being freed, Roy ended up with a tiger mouth on his neck. Not the best of situations. While it appears that the microphone bop was not the reason for the original bite, I still think it's a good personal policy.

Also interesting is Wikipedia's explanation of the incident, where Steve Wynn, the former Mirage owner describes that all of this started because the tiger was "fascinated and distracted" by a woman with a "big hairdo." In Vegas? Really?

Something like this would never happen at a Penn & Teller show.

Quack

From the archives:

"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."

Source: Comedian Todd Glass

Explanation: See, ducks are just inherently funny. I don't know why, but they just are. In fact, in a 2002 study by psychologist Richard Wiseman and colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, UK, they verified this:

The team's analysis has also revealed the world's "funniest animal" - the duck. "If you're going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck," Wiseman says.

Special Blog Bonus: A Far Side involving a duck:

Enjoy This Dam Status Message

Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully functional power plant, so please noone wander off the dam tour. And please, take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions?

Source: National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation



Explanation: The Griswolds tour Hoover Dam. I love this joke. Every time I drive past a dam on the highway, I exclaim, "Dam!" Always good for a laugh (from me, at least).

Orange You Glad?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Source: The following knock-knock joke:

Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Explanation: A little while back, somebody I know (who shall remain nameless) was trying to remember how this joke went. In their effort to recall the joke I was subjected to participating in about 5 full-length efforts at recreating it. After about two unsuccessful tries, I was laughing hysterically at the fact that they needed to say the whole joke out loud during each attempt. I guess you had to be there.

Special Blog Bonus: Orange you glad I only posted a dancing banana?

756

I'd make a snide remark about Barry Bonds today, but I'm still waiting for him to start rounding the bases.

Explanation: If you've been completely isolated from the American media this morning, you will be surprised to find out that Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run, eclipsing Hank Aaron as the all-time home run leader in Major League Baseball. If you haven't been isolated from the American media, then you're already flat out sick of this story and you wish it would go away. You probably also think Bonds is a colossal .

The joke here is that Bonds likes to admire his home runs before he starts running the bases. He takes a full second longer than practically every other major leaguer in the batter's box after making contact to begin running the bases. I think this makes him a jerk. You may draw your own conclusion.

I would include footage of his 756th home run, but I have neither the express written consent nor the implied oral consent of Major League Baseball. Go find it on ESPN.com or somewhere.

New Windows

Installing new windows in our house seemed like a great idea until I had to reboot them for the tenth time.

Explanation: We had new windows installed in our house yesterday and they work great, except for the fatal exception error the one over the couch keeps taking. No matter how pretty they are, windows are windows. Thanks, Microsoft.

Where's the Moose?

Dear Maine,

I recently visited your state for several days. During that time I saw a Lobster Festival and some beautiful scenery, but no moose. As per your satisfaction guarantee, I kindly ask that you rectify this oversight by sending one moose to the address listed below. Thank you.

Jeremy

Explanation: We did, however, see a fake coyote, stuffed moose, an elk statue, and numerous majestic chipmunks. Oh, and this advertisement for Mooster:


Special Blog Bonus: I found it! Here's an MP3 of Moose In My House. Enjoy!

On Vacation

It appears that I will not have a regular internet connection for the duration of my vacation. As a result, I will not be posting for two weeks. Come back August 6th for new material!

Dear MacGyver

From the archives:

Dear MacGyver,

Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Source: Family Guy. Here's the clip:

9

I think today would be more exciting if it started off with Kiefer Sutherland saying "The following takes place between 8:00am and 5:00pm, on the day before Jeremy's summer vacation. Events occur in real time."

Source: 24 (back when I watched it) began with the phrase "The following takes place between midnight and 1:00am, on the day of the California Presidential Primary. Events occur in real time."

Explanation: I'm just giddy at the the thought of that voiceover on a video clip of a four-way split screen (ala 24)with all four screens showing me sitting at my computer. Now, I'm not sure which would look better - all four scenes showing me playing Freecell from different angles, or four completely different shots - one of me eating, one of me playing Freecell, one of me screaming at the compiler, and one of me looking way too relaxed while on a conference call. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I could put the whole thing together using my camera and computer. Unfortunately, today is the day before my summer vacation, so there's no way I'm putting forth the effort to create such a video.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's an appropriate "Last Day" Far Side comic instead:


EDITOR'S NOTE: Jeremy will be on vacation for the next two weeks. While blog posts may or may not occur during that time, regular posting will resume on August 6th.

A Message in my Alpha-Bits

There's a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says "OOOOOOOOOOOO."

Source: Blatantly stolen from the Family Guy:

Peter: Oh my God! Brian, there's a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says "OOOOOOOOOOOO."
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

SEVEN ONE EIGHT!

Today is 7/18 and in all seven seas, I'm mobydickulous.

Source: This is based on a lyric from the 2 Skinnee J's song, (718):

Come check us out, we're two stereo bean poles.
You say that you don't know, but your Pinocchio nose grows.
We're wanton juxtaposers, any style that you like,
Goes right into the mix, when we style on the Mic.
We're analytical, ain't that political,
And Yo we step up to the mic subject to ridicule.
We're meticulous, ain't that ridiculous?
We're in all seven seas, we're mobydickulous!

Explanation: Today is July 18th (7/18), which also happens to be the area code for Brooklyn, New York. (718) was my favorite 2 Skinnee J's song about the band members moving to Brooklyn. In concerts, they always performed it last, which is good, because I was usually too exhausted to go on afterward.

Special Blog Bonus: I don't have video of (718), but then again, if you don't experience it, it's just not the same. Here's Loud Neighbors, one of the first songs they performed at the 7/18/03 farewell concert at B.B. King's in Manhattan. And yes, I was there.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I feel obligated to say that the language in these video clips is not 100% wholesome. Neither is life. Suck it up and enjoy some fine entertainment.



You know what? We're going to party like it's 7/18! Here's The Good, the Bad, and the Skinnee from another concert:



Keep this party moving! Here's Change the World:



And finally, here I am with my favorite Bosnian and my favorite Irish/German guy, posing with A.J. Stumpy Johnson, the band's owner, manager, and spiritual advisor. Truly, we are all champions. (And we have the medals to prove it!)


Now go out there and have a mobydickulous day! And bounce just a little bit in honor of the Skinnees - they deserve the love.

Homonyms

Can you think of any more opposite homonyms than Dalai, Dolly, and Dali?












Explanation: Seriously, we need to extend the mathematical concept of orthogonality into celebrity to fully grasp the difference between Dolly Parton, the Dalai Lama, and Salvador Dali. One is a trashy blonde country singer, one is the reborn incarnation of a spritual leader, and the other was an eccentric painter best known for his flamboyant style melting clocks. Just look at their tense: one is Dolly, one was Dali, and one was, is, and always shall be the Dalai Lama.

Try not to get them confused. Can you see Richard Gere making a patronage to Nashville to study spirituality at the feet of Dolly Parton? Or Whitney Houston "covering" Dali's speech to the International Surrealist Exhibition by dressing in a diver's suit? Of course, I can totally see a modern surrealist mimic Parton's style of plastic surgery and low cut dresses... but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

And I didn't even consider throwing Dolley Madison into the mix!


EDITOR'S NOTE: I know Salvador Dali actually pronounced his last name "da-LEE" but the post is more fun if we overlook that fact.

Life's Simple Pleasures

Last week I learned that candles and pan-ca-cakes can be the difference between a good day and a bad day.

Explanation: The short explanation is that when a 2-year-old mispronounces words, it's cute. My nephew is very excited about his sandals, which he calls "candles." And "pancakes" (which he also loves) happens to be one of the many words that he adds a syllable to when pronouncing. It was very cute to hear him ask the waitress for "pan-ca-cakes." When I do stuff like that, they just look at me like I'm crazy.

And speaking of pancakes...

Tardy the Turtle

From the archives:

Crayons taste like purple!

Source: The one and only Tardy the Turtle from Greg the Bunny.

Explanation: Tardy is the developmentally challenged turtle on the show. This clip shows the best of Tardy (which isn't hard, because the show only had like six episodes). Some highlights:

• "I am singing the quiet song. The quiet song. The quiet song. I AM SINGING THE QUIET SONG!"
• "The green ones make me horny."
• "After dinner I'm opposed to get pudding!"
• "I made a smelly in my shelly."

And of course, the canteloupe in the last clip actually made me laugh out loud. Good stuff! Check it out:

Parappa Week: M.C. King Kong Mushi

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

I gotta believe!

Explanation: Having finally gotten a date with Sunny, Parappa takes her to the concert hall, where the one and only M.C. King Kong Mushi is performing. He is, of course, a dreadlocked Rastafarian-looking insect who can rap. At this point, you really can't be surprised by anything, so you just go with it. Parappa joins him on stage for a performance in the exciting conclusion to the game.



Added Bonus: In most parts of the game, if you rap well enough to reach "U rappin' COOL" status, your partner steps out of the way and lets you freestyle a little. Here's an example on the final level. Think of it as rhythmic button mashing.



We hope you've enjoyed Parappa the Rapper week here on Jeremy's Status Message.

Parappa Week: The Restroom Line

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

In the rain or in the snow, I got the funky funky flow. But now, I've really gotta go.

Explanation: So, after Sunny's birthday party, Parappa is driving her home to get ready for their date later that evening. Wouldn't you know it, he needs to stop and use the restroom. When he gets to the restroom, who does he find in line? Chop Chop Onion Master, Instructor Mooselini, Prince Fleaswallow, and Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken, of course! How does he move up in the line? He raps them for position!



This scene ends with the disturbing scene of Parappa entering the restroom and exclaiming "Ah, this is life!" Not sure what it means. Maybe it's a poor translation from the original Japanese or something. Try not to think too hard about it.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Parappa the Rapper week on Jeremy's Status Message!

Parappa Week: Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

Crack crack crack the crack into the bowl.

Explanation: With his car replaced, Parappa turns his attention to making a cake for Sunny's birthday party. He makes a seafood cake all by himself with the aid of Cheep Cheep the Cooking Chicken on his television set. Yes, a seafood cake made by a dog for the flower he's in love with. Just go with it.

This line should be "Crack, crack, crack the egg into the bowl," but frankly it's more fun to put crack in the cake. It just is.

Parappa Week: Prince Fleaswallow

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

Just because the rhythm is slow, that don't mean that you can't flow.

Explanation: Parappa earns his driver's license and takes his dad's car out, only to wreck it in an accident. Suddenly he needs money to repair the car. Enter Prince Fleaswallow, who gives Parappa a job. Prince Fleaswallow is just like the rapper Shaggy, only he's a giant frog who sells junk. Plus, in the rain or in the snow, he's got the funky funky flow, so that's something.

Parappa Week: Instructor Mooselini

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

"Check and turn the signals to the left."
"Check, turn, check, turn, check, turn, right."

Explanation: Next, Parappa finds that everyone is impressed by Joe Chin's stretch limousine and decides to get his driver's license so he can take her out. On his driver's test he encounters Instructor Mooselini. The worse Parappa does on this stage, the worse the car handles. Also, if it takes you more than three tries to complete this level, the song becomes embedded in your skull, never to leave again. Watch the clip four times in a row. You'll see.

Parappa Week: Chop Chop Onion Master

Jeremy's Status Message presents Parappa the Rapper Week:

I wanna see if you wanna see what it means to be the man with the master plan. Are you the man now?

Explanation: Parappa the Rapper is a video game that was released for the Sony Playstation back in the mid 90's. Essentially, you play as Parappa and rap your way through a series of levels where the quality of your rap is judged by whether you pressed the appropriate button at the appropriate time. If you've ever seen or played Dance, Dance, Revolution in an arcade think of it like that, but just for your fingers on the controller.

The plot is really something special. Parappa is an animated paper-thin teenage dog who is madly in love with Sunny Funny, who happens to be an animated paper-thin flower. Also vying for Sunny is Joe Chin, a well-to-do narcissistic hormonally advanced dog. Now, ignoring the whole interkingdom dating thing, which you must to fully appreciate this, we take Parappa through a series of scenes as he attempts to win Sunny's heart.

After some back story and an encounter with some bullies, our first scene takes us to the dojo of one Chop Chop Onion Master, who will teach Parappa kung fu. Yes. The dog is learning kung fu from an onion in order to woo a flower. You just have to go with it.

Are You a Robot?

From the archives:

Which of the following would you most prefer? A) A puppy. B) A pretty flower from your sweetie, or C a large properly-formatted datafile?

Source: Futurama.

Explanation: Robots administer this test to determine if the taker is a robot or not.



Special Blog Bonus: Behold, a not-so-large properly formatted data file:

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The not-so-large properly formatted data file looked hideous and would have been very confusing. Instead, enjoy it in its interpretted form, as a small JPEG image of a half-chicken half-squirrel.]

CHICKEN FIGHT!

From the archives:

NO! I won't take a coupon from a giant chicken! Not after last time...

Source: Peter from the Family Guy

Explanation: I've actually already posted the first two chicken fights from Family Guy. Enjoy the third installment:

You're Gullible

You're so gullible, if you look up "gullible" on Wikipedia, there's a picture of you... unless somebody took it down since I put it there this morning.

Explanation: See, I can actually post your picture to Wikipedia, which renders the whole "gullible" joke pointless, but then again... why am I explaining this? In honor of my upcoming vacation, here's some more Wikipedia humor:

The Problem with Wikipedia

Wikipedian Protester

I Believe This Qualifies as "Ill"

I'm busting mad rhymes at an 80% success rate.

Source: Paraphrased from Futurama, where Leela is talking about the Beastie Boys' heads in concert.



Also in the episode is the following exchange between Fry and Ad-Rock:

Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?

The Fourth of July... and Cabbage?

From the archives:

"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."

Source: It turns out, this was not factual, it's an urban legend. Bummer - it sure had a nice sound to it.

Happy Independence Day!* Now go out there, celebrate our nation's independence, and enjoy that cole slaw served at your picnic with total disregard to how it was purchased!

Special Blog Bonus: Other not-so-independency cabbage quotes:

“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.” - Mark Twain

“Idealist: One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup” - Henry Louis Mencken

“Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.” - Ambrose Bierce

*To my Canadian readers, happy belated Canada Day! May your loonies and toonies be plentiful, may Terrance and Philip always be free, and may Tony Fernandez always grace the Skydome with his presence.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench...

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Source: Simple advice from Coach Patches O'Houlihan in Dodgeball.



Explanation: Dodgeball is a highly underrated movie. Honestly, I thought it was going to be stupid. It turns out it was hysterical. Of course, it was stupidly hysterical, but hysterical nonetheless. And, it's ripe with status message material. Expect to see more here from this film in the future.

Cross-Paining

Apparently, a couple of 40-yard sprints can cripple somebody who hasn't done them in a while.

Explanation: Yesterday, I had the bright idea of heading out to the municipal fields and running some sprints. This is part of my new training philosophy where I'm trying to mix it up a bit. Well, it worked. I don't think I've run that hard that often in about ten years. Note the following picture of Olympic sprinter Florence Griffith-Joyner:


You'll notice some serious mass in the region of her hip flexor. I believe I have the same mass today, only it's not muscle, it's swelling.

I guess I should consider it a good thing that I haven't had a need to run like that in the past decade. That would indicate that my quality of life has steered me totally clear of my fight-or-flight mechanism. Ten years without sprinting from a serious predator - now that's something to celebrate. So I will... as soon as I can walk again.

Dear Die Hard...

From the archives:

Dear Die Hard,

You Rock! Especially when that guy was on the roof.

P.S. Do you know Mad Max?

Source: The Simpsons. Apparently Homer Simpson has a penchant for writing letters to movies.

In honor of the new Die Hard movie, here's another Simpsons movie trailer.


...and the Live Free or Die Hard trailer:

HUUUUGE!

From the archives:

My brother-in-law can totally lift that.

Explanation: I wrote this status message a few years ago after the weekend my sister got married. My brother-in-law happens competes in strongman competitions and has finished as high as sixth at U.S. Nationals (where the top 5 finishers go to the ESPN World's Strongest Man competition). Anyway, last night I went to see him compete and this seemed like a good time to rerun this old status message. Need proof?

After the competition, I jokingly asked if he would take a picture with me. He picked me up and this is the result. Now, admittedly, I weighed only about 190 when this picture was taken, but in his defense, he did only use one arm.

With the Third Pick in the NBA Draft...

I can understand Portland taking Greg Oden and Seattle taking Kevin Durant, but I'm really shocked that the Atlanta Hawks skipped the draft to wait in line for an iPhone.


Explanation: Seriously, have you ever in your life seen such high anticipation for something so expensive? We at Jeremy's Status Message have not. BUT, we have gotten our hands on the iPhone spec sheet, and here are some of the features that make it the most hotly anticipated product in years:

• Screen switches from portrait to landscape when you rotate it. iPhone curses at you if you spin it.
• Choose one of three MIDI ring tones.
• Bluetooth interface allows others to more easily steal your digital information.
• Free Steve Jobs screensaver included.
• iPhone does not, I repeat, not function as a weapon in any way.
• High resolution touchscreen will keep your lonely soul bright and warm on winter nights.
• Holding phone renders user invisible. Dropping iPhone in fire reveals the base control code for the Apple II written on its perimeter... in Elvish.
• According to taste tests, new iPhone tastes 20% better than classic iPod.
• Total babe magnet.

Maybe He Lost?

Anybody have any idea what ever happened to Parker Lewis? I guess he must have lost.

Explanation: Ah, the early 90's. If you don't remember Parker Lewis Can't Lose, allow me to refresh your memory. It was a show about a young man who was completely in control of his high school. One highlight I'll always remember is his teacher repeatedly calling out his name while taking attendance. Anyway, then he graduates and becomes like the youngest doctor ever and writes in his computer journal every night about how he's been put in charge of these three kids while he and his friends Vinnie, Buddy Lembeck, Six, Boner Stabone, Screech Powers, Steve Erkel, Rose Nylund, and Roseanne have some wacky adventures. Then Will makes jokes about Carlton and Uncle Jesse's hair right before Tim blows up the Christmas lights. Everyone had the same haircut, with these long sideburns, especially Dylan, even though he was the same age as Major Dad. Yep, for these crazy kids, Life Goes On, Step By Step. All you can really do is just get out of your Empty Nest and enjoy the Evening Shade during these Wonder Years. Or you can give up and jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Whatever.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are the first few minutes of the Parker Lewis Can't Lose pilot:

Fashion Advice

This summer, black is the new white! You heard it here first.

Explanation: Hey, you can't explain fashion. Other important items to note:

• Hot is the new cool.
• Orange is the new purple.
• Purple is the new green.
• Indigo is the new red, but the old blue.
• Up is the new down.
• Left is the new right. Right is now topwise.
• New is the new old. Or the old old. Wait... I have no idea.

This of course means that IOYVBIO is the new ROYGBIV. Update your physics textbooks, kids!

The Longest 8/10 Mile Ever

After hiking for an hour, the last thing you want to see is a signpost indicating that you have only traveled 0.8 miles.

Explanation: When a senior citizen recommends a hiking trail to you, you do not expect something physically challenging. You expect a leisurely stroll through the woods. Of course, that would imply that you followed the trail she suggested.

As we embarked on our hike this past weekend, there was quite an incline to the trail from the parking area, but we expected it to level out a bit. It didn't. At all. In fact, it pretty much took us straight up the side of a mountain. Every online hiking guide I can find for it describes our trek as "strenuous." Just to clarify, Jeremy's Status Message presents our Hiking Difficulty Guide:


As you can see, the hike distance only explains the horizontal component of the distance traveled.

Special Extra Hiking Advice: If you understand trail markers, you are less likely to hike yourself off the trail into a dead end.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

From the archives:

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." - Orson Welles

Explanation: Just something to keep you thinking while I'm out of the office today. If I didn't have better things to do, I'd have doctored up Michaelangelo's David in Photoshop and included it in this post. Maybe a David Cuckoo Clock or something. But, I have better ways to spend my vacation day. I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

Any Questions?

From the archives:

There are no such thing as stupid questions. Only stupid people who ask questions.

Special Blog Bonus: I couldn't resist posting this:



Extra Double Super Special Blog Bonus: And on that note, here's a perfect follow-up comic:

Cashtration

From the archives:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Source: I think I saw this on the internet while house shopping. The important lesson we learned this week is that cashtration is perpetuated by much-needed home improvements, like new windows. Yes, both windows and Microsoft Windows suck. Hopefully the former won't crash as much as the latter does.

Today is my service anniversary at work! Eight years and still employed! WOO-HOO!

Psychokinesis and You: Perfect Together

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Source: I found this one floating on the internet. I wish I could claim it as my own.

Special Blog Bonus: Since I can't find anything that even closely involves psychokinesis to put here, it seems like a good time for a comic. Here's something somewhat timely, since Jack Kevorkian was recently released from prison.

The Boots of Evil Were Made for Walking

I am mighty! I have a glow you cannot see. I have a heart as big as the moon, as warm as bathwater. We are superheroes, men. We don't have time to be charming. The boots of evil were made for walking. We're watching the big picture, friend. We know the score. We are a public service, not glamour boys. Not captains of industry. Not makers of things. Keep your vulgar moneys, we are a justice sandwich, no toppings necessary. Living rooms of America, DO YOU CATCH MY DRIFT? Do you... dig?

Source: The Tick. Only the one and only roaring lion of two-fisted cool would ramble on with a monologue like this. And for once, I found it on YouTube!



Listen to the man. He's like 8 feet tall.

T.G.I. Wednesday's

One week I want to eat at T.G.I. Friday's on Tuesday and Ruby Tuesday on Friday. Then the rest of the days I'll eat sundaes... except Sunday. On Sunday I'll have nachos. What can I say? I like nachos.

Explanation: Oh, come on! Like you've never thought of it. It might also be neat to eat a sundae at Friday's on Tuesday. Actually, Tuesday's sundaes are better than Friday's. Or, I can just eat nachos at both of them.

Hey, do you think Wednesday Adams ever watches Saturday Night Live? Do you think she's ever had a case of the Mondays?

How about Colts center Jeff Saturday? Does he watch Any Given Sunday before Monday Night Football?

WWMMD?

WWMMD (What would Mr. Miyagi Do?)

Explanation: Sometimes, you just need to ask yourself, what would Mr. Miyagi do? Well, I'll tell you...

What would Mr. Miyagi do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Mr. Miyagi'd do.

When Mr. Miyagi was in his house,
Training Daniel-san,
He made him do all sorts of chores,
"Wax on, wax off, wax on!"

When Mr. Miyagi was Arnold,
On that show Happy Days,
He'd make a burger and fries for you,
In many different ways.

So what would Mr. Miyagi do
If he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two.
That's what Mr. Miyagi would do.

Special Blog Bonus:

Video proof of Mr. Miyagi laying the smack down:



(Extra bonus points for Daniel for his stellar comeback at the end of this clip)

Cardinality and Four-Year-Olds

I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old.
I will not argue about the cardinality of the integers with a four-year-old
...

Explanation: It is my belief that the number 10^100 was named a "google" for one reason and one reason only - to aid in early childhood development. Childhood often breaks down into arguments that are essentially over who knows the highest number. For example:

Child 1: When I grow up, I'm going to have a thousand dollars.
Child 2: Oh yeah? When I grow up, I'm going to have a hundred thousand dollars.
Child 1: Oh yeah? Well, When I grow up, I'm going to have a million dollars.
Child 2: Oh yeah? Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have a billion dollars!
Child 1: Oh yeah? Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have a google dollars.
Child 2 realizes that he/she can never top that and runs away crying.

If children believe that a google is the largest number there is, then it frees them up to stop playing "can you top this" and learn other skills that will be valuable in their adulthood. This is very important and saves years of wasted time from children's lives.

Of course, when you have a math degree and your four-year-old nephew tells you that "a google is the largest number there is, so I win", it takes everything in your power to just accept your defeat and go back to whatever you were doing. In fact, I can't just let this one go...

Dear four-year-olds of America:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001.

I win. You lose. Also, when you're pretending to be Superman, you cannot also shoot spiderwebs out of your wrists. That's just not freakin' fair.

Love,
Uncle Jeremy's Status Message

Bosnians and Broncos, Oh My!

From the archives:

There's three things you don't trust: mother nature, mother in-laws, and mother freaking Bosnians.

Source: This is a quote from The Italian Job, only in the movie they say "Ukrainians".

Explanation: You know, I don't even remember what possessed me to post this. I think I just liked the quote in the movie and I like ragging on Nihad. (Maybe I just like having a friend who's Bosnian, who knows?)

Special Blog Bonus: My favorite part about The Italian Job was that my Ford Bronco was in a significant chase scene, chasing the Mini Coopers. I was, of course, rooting for the bad guy, because my truck was totally cooler than the Minis.

Here's a clip in French, but without many words. Of course, the way it scrunches up the Bronco, it looks like a Mini Bronco...



Extra Special Blog Bonus: This is the important part: My old Ford Bronco was in The Italian Job with Edward Norton, who was in Fight Club with Brad Pitt, who was in Ocean's Eleven with Julia Roberts, who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.

No Bosnians were harmed in the creation of this post.

Review Message

From the archives:

Review. Back in a few. (Poet. Didn't even know it.)

Explanation: I threw this status message up one day for a few hours while at a code review. I usually don't even save my non-active messages, but I liked this one. Plus, I'm busy this weekend, so it seems like a good fit.

No More Tears!

Water, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Sodium Trideceth Sulfate, PEG-80 Sorbitan Laurate, PEG-150 Distearate, Fragrance, Tetrasodium EDTA, Polyquaternium-10, Quaternium-15, Yellow 10, Orange 4, and possibly Citric Acid and Sodium Hydroxide: as gentle to eyes as pure water.

Explanation: Johnson's Baby Shampoo seems less gentle when you look at the ingredient list. See, this is the kind of idea that I get in the morning when I shower with my contact lenses in.

Fun in the Sun

Here in New Jersey, today will be a "Fun in the Mostly Cloudy Day".

Explanation: To my coworkers who are having their "Fun in the Sun Day" today, enjoy it! To those of you who are getting gyros tonight, enjoy! I'm not the slightest big jealous, nope.

Actually, I'm planning on doing something so great, something so amazing, everyone will be devastated that they weren't here to share in the splendor that was Jeremy's Fun in the Mostly Cloudy Day. Now, I just have to figure out what that is...

Special Blog Bonus: In the meantime, enjoy a comic strip:

He Will Break You

A normal heavyweight averages 700 pounds of pressure per square inch. Drago averages 1850 pounds. So the result is quite obvious. Whatever he hits, he destroys.

Source: Rocky IV. Ivan Drago's handler foreshadows what will happen to both Apollo Creed and Carl Weathers' acting career.



Little Known Fact: Dolph Lundgren has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney, was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, speaks five languages, and has a third degree black belt in Kyokushin Karate.

Even Lesser Known Fact: Dolph Lundgren has mail order degrees in both Murderology and Murderonomy, is going to marry a carrot, and has won more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the pope combined.

Mercy is for the Weak

Sweep the leg!

Source: The Karate Kid, of course.

Explanation: At the All Valley Under-18 Karate Championship, Daniel-san is nursing a bad leg and the Cobra Kai sensei wants to win at all costs, so... oh, forget it. If you don't know this scene, I'm sure not going to be able to help you.

Have you Jimmed It Lately?

I totally Jimmed it in the Target parking lot last night.

Explanation: A certain friend of mine, let's call him "Jim," owns a car that was advertised with the slogan "wider is better." As a result of owning a slightly wider than usual car, he has a slightly wider than usual turn radius. When in a parking lot, in order to pull into a spot, anyone with a wide car (not just "Jim") must veer to the side opposite the desired spot in order to pull into said spot. This is a simple procedure and is usually executed without much difficulty.

When a second, more desirable spot becomes apparent on the OPPOSITE SIDE of the first spot after you have begun your approach, that's when trouble can arise. Suddenly, the wide car (which was in perfect position to park in the first spot) is now on the wrong side of the lane to pull into the new spot. The car must be quickly moved to the other side of the lane. When the driver cannot get the far enough over to get into the newer, better parking spot, he has "Jimmed it" and is now out of luck.

In the following diagram, the driver first saw the parking spot on his left. He veered the car to the right, preparing to park in it. As he approached, the driver saw the better spot on his right. He then pulled his car left to get into the better spot, only to find that he had been too far right and couldn't maneuver his car into the new spot. He Jimmed it.


Even more interesting is the case where the driver discovers an even better third spot on the left after the second spot:


In trying to park in the second spot, the driver has moved the car too far left for the third spot. He has now Jimmed it twice! See how many times you can Jim it!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jimming it was discovered when in the car with "Jim," but it is not exclusive to "Jim." Admit it! You've done it too! And now you have a name for it. Consider it a public service provided to you by Jeremy's Status Message. You're welcome.

Toad-Licking 101

From the archives:

For you parents out there, toad-licking is also known as "lillypadding", "Frenching the prince", and "doing Kermit".

Source: Family Guy.

Explanation: The nightly news in a report on the new trend of teenagers licking toads.

Enjoy some clips from the show:

I Need a Gyro

From the archives:

I need a gyro.
I'm holding out for a gyro - it's what I must have.
It's gotta be Greek,
And it's gotta be good,
And it's gotta be fresh from Grand Ave.
I need a gyro.
I'm holding out for a gyro 'til the morning light.
It's gotta be lamb,
And it's gotta be fresh,
And it's gotta be larger than life.

Source: These lyrics were paraphrased from Bonnie Tyler's Holding Out for a Hero off the Footloose sountrack.

Explanation: The Greek Festival was coming to Grand Avenue in Poughkeepsie, and I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the festivities. This seemed appropriate, since it's coming again on Thursday.

Take a look at this:


I bet you need one, too.

Like You Didn't Already Know That My Subconscious Was Scary?

So, I had the "moving out of college" dream for like the thousandth time last night. But THIS TIME we drove through Vegas on the way home, got involved in a shootout at a casino, met Frank Beamer at a restaurant, had our car broken into, and then hung out with a bunch of thugs at a pool without water.

Explanation: Dreams always seem to make more sense when you're having them.

It's been years since I got out of school and yet my subconscious still dwells on one of the following on a regular basis:

1. Moving out of college
   
2. Moving back to college
   
3. Being at college and knowing that there's a class I'm enrolled in, but I don't know where it is.

Last night, I had to move my stuff out of a dorm, but apparently my subconscious was feeling a little more creative than usual.

And the highlight of my dream? I see Frank Beamer, who is having a conversation with someone else while waiting for a table at a restaurant. (If you didn't know, Frank Beamer, pictured left, is the head football coach at Virginia Tech, my alma mater.) I walk by him, pat him on the shoulder and say, "Hi Coach!" Without hesitating, I get a big smile and he says "Hey, Jeremy! Good to see you!" Eight years out of school and he still remembers me! Pretty good memory for a guy who never met me, huh?

Special Blog Bonus: In honor of my subconscious, here's a purple elephant in sneakers:

It's the Last Thing the Judges See!

Whatever happens, you absolutely have to stick the landing, because that's the last thing the judges will see.

Explanation: I heard this line over and over and over again during the last Olympics. As a result, I use it as often as I can, sometimes in situations that don't quite rival Olympic gymnastic competition.

Anyway, with that said and my newfound obsession with gymnastic rings, the following clip of Andreas Aguilar at is pretty much perfect:



I own gymnastic rings primarily for two fundamental exercises: pull-ups and dips. As you can see in the clip, there are several other skills possible on the rings that require much much more strength. One such exercise is called the "muscle-up". The muscle-up starts at the bottom position of a pull-up and finishes at the top position of a dip. The transition from the top of the pull-up to the bottom of the dip is without a doubt the hardest part. In the very beginning of the above clip, Aguilar does a muscle-up so smoothly, it's absolutely superhuman. This guy has muscles on his muscles. Unreal.

I'm so Punny!

A good pun is its own reword.

Source: Stolen from a web site. I'll steal more in the future, so you won't see any more of them on this post.

Explanation: I was going to mention that I saw Carousel the other day and that the only funny line in the entire musical was the following:

"Oh, Miss Pipperidge, I'm just crazy fer you! Why, just to see your lovely smile I'd swim through beer with my mouth closed!"

Unfortunately, it's a pretty lousy status message. Of course, it was a pretty lousy musical, too, so I guess that's par for the course. In fact, that line was the only bright spot. Oh, well, there was the totally random song about whaling. It was like Rodgers and Hammerstein were stuck for one last musical number and had that song left over from some other musical they were working on. Pretty odd stuff.

Special Blog Bonus: Anyway, enjoy a comic and have a great day!

Thank You, Future Me

My wife and I were going to watch The Lake House last night, but right before we turned on the television, I got a letter in my magic mailbox from future me telling me not to waste my time.

Explanation: Actually, come to think of it, maybe the mailbox isn't magic. Maybe future me just has a better mailman than I do today.

Special Blog Bonus: If you haven't seen The Lake House, it's a story about a man and a woman who are both in a lake house that must go 50 miles per hour or it will explode. The man can defy the laws of physics and dresses in black leather while the woman is actually an undercover police officer at a beauty pageant. Here's a clip:

E.R. Here I Come!

Doing dips on gymnastic rings is kind of like doing lunges on ice.

Explanation: My gymnastic rings are up in my garage! When searching the web for "gymnastic rings exercise", the first thing I found was a paper on "Leg Dislocation related to a gymnastic ring exercise". So, suddenly I trust my engineering even less! Anyway, it held through one night, which is good, since my car is under the giant 2x6 I have mounted to the ceiling.

As for dips on the rings, I always seem to end up looking like this:


In other words, don't expect this from me anytime soon:

Save the Whales

From the archives:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Source: This was a bumper sticker I found online somewhere. I have a bunch of them that you'll see eventually.

Awww Nuts!

From the archives:

WARNING: This message may contain traces of peanuts.

Explanation: Not much to explain. I was eating something. I saw the packaging. I found a status message.

Special Blog Bonus: You want peanuts? Here's a peanut!

Hold Me Close, Young Tony Danza

I think the most romantic song ever written was that one Elton John wrote for that guy on Who's the Boss.

Source: Taken from a quote by Phoebe on Friends.

Explanation: She goes on to sing "Hold me close, young Tony Danza." See, she messed up the lyrics to "Tiny Dancer" and thought it was about Tony Danza. This humor works because Tony Danza is just inherently funny. You know, like ducks, giant chickens, and Michael Jackson.

Special Blog Bonus: Here's a Family Guy clip about Tony Danza and Sylvester Stallone: