Cruel Words

I don't mind English, but some words are just cruel.

Explanation: I was playing WordTwist on Facebook the other day and the word "LISPER" came up. It seems to me the creators of that word were just cruel, cruel people. "Let's describe a condition using a word people with said condition cannot say!" Yes, while we're at it, let's make "tone deaf" only pronounceable through song! Ooh, and paraplegic can be only expressed through pantomime! What a bunch of jerks our ancestors were, huh?

Doppelcoolness

Do you think there's someone out there like me who likes the word doppelganger as much as I do?

Explanation: I know, today's status is a stretch, but I do think that doppelganger is a cool word. Hey, maybe that person looks like me, too!

Laboring Over Grammar

We're. They'll. I'd. O'clock. Should've. Doesn't. He's. You're. Ma'am. 'Twas. Ne'er-do-well...

Explanation: I'm practicing for contractions. According to the childbirth video we saw, the contractions start out small and slowly build up over the course of labor. In the beginning, the contractions are spaced out and you barely notice them:

'Tis but a minor discomfort. The last one 'twas five minutes ago. Please, there's no need to for the formality, you don't have to call me "ma'am."

Then they build up for the second stage of labor:

It's quite painful! I've had 'em since 4 o'clock! I'd like to see what you'd do in my place - you wouldn't last a minute. I should've gotten an epidural!

At the final stage of labor, they are the most intense and almost continuous:

M'ke th' p'n st'p! Why'd y'u d' th's t' m'??? I n'd m'rph'ne!

This concludes today's lesson on grammar and childbirth. Stay tuned tomorrow as we discuss why women in labor just don't appreciate puns.

TOO MUCH WORD TWIST (HIT DOCTOR SMUT WOW)

STOP. POT. POTS. TOP. TOPS. SPOT...

Explanation: Last night, as I headed out of my neighborhood, I saw the stop sign at the intersection with the main road. My mind saw it and immediately started churning out the words you can create with those letters. This would be an indication that I have been playing way too much Word Twist on Facebook. Just for the record, the following words can be created from the letters in STOP (3 letters or greater):

TOPS
STOP
SPOT
POTS
POST
OPTS
TOP
SOT
SOP
POT
OPT
OPS

Special Blog Challenge: The letters in STOP can be used to create 12 different words of 3 letters or more. Can you find a four letter word which will create more than 12 words?*

*I should note that I don't actually have an answer to this question.

Mmmm... Potatoey Goodness

Knothing is knicer than knoshing on a knish on a knasty day.

Explanation: I don't know, I just like to knosh on a knice knish when it's rainy and knasty outside. Knothing raises my spirits like that warm potatoey goodness.

I'm also looking pforward to the Pfabulous Baker Boys tomorrow, pfor my pfavorite Pfriday pastime is to watch movies pfeaturing Michelle Pheiffer.

Special Blog Bonus: In other news, I'm not sure if you missed it, but Apple introduced a new laptop:

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Today's status is written in grammatically correct English almost.

Explanation: Last night on the radio, I heard a caller end a sentence with the word "almost" and, after cringing, this status jumped into my head. It amuses me because it would be a true sentence without the "almost" and yet with the "almost" it rings even more true, and frankly it's more funny this way.

As for radio callers, let's just say that the less I hear of them, the better. I'm still angry about the caller ten years ago who claimed that the American state producing the most diamonds was "Africa."

UPDATE (11:42 AM): So, I decided to research this (after brazenly proclaiming it to be bad grammar) and since "almost" is an adverb, it can be placed at the end of a sentence. I can't find anything on the internet telling me that it's wrong. I still don't like it, but I think it actually is correct. Stupid English and its stupid rules. Well, at least my post was funny almost.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to my letter to the good people at Webster's about how "fellowshipping" shouldn't be a word.

MAD LIBS: Obfuscating What's-a-who-sit?

It's MAD LIBS week!

Working from Botswana today because I have to wash my hair. I can be reached via mental telepathy, flaming woodchuck, or Windows Pinball.

Source: OK, I wrote this one. Let's just pretend that I was actually playing the MAD LIBS game like the rest of you, because contacting me by "flaming woodchuck" is just too funny to pass up.

Actually, today's guest post comes from Julie. I could not make this my actual status on account of the excuse she chose, but if you're reading my blog, you can handle it:

Working from Chinatown today because he had herpes. I can be reached via American Sign Language, obfuscating bonobo, or WINSOCK.DLL.

Explanation: If you're a regular reader, you're familiar with obfuscation. For the less informed, however, I will now happily explain what a bonobo is. Ummm...


Uh...


Well...


Hmmm...


OK, screw it - I looked it up. The internet, which is never wrong, tells me that a bonobo is a pygmy chimpanzee. Here's the photo I found:


There you go. Thank you, Julie. Now we've all learned something today.

We hope you have enjoyed MAD LIBS week here on Jeremy's Sametime Status. Have a great weekend!

Status of the Famous: Dan Brown

Ever wonder what a famous person would have as their instant messaging status at work? Well now you'll know! Jeremy's Status Message proudly presents, Status Messages of the Famous:

OH WINK FORGER MOM, O ONLY IN MY GREMLIN

Famous Person: Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code.

Explanation: If you've read anything by Dan Brown, you know that he is a puzzle junkie, especially when it comes to anagrams. You may recall "O DRACONIAN DEVIL, OH LAME SAINT" from The Da Vinci Code which anagrammed to "LEONARDO DA VINCI, THE MONA LISA" and started Robert Langdon on an exciting adventure. If you don't recall that, you are probably the one person on this planet who has not read the book.

As for today's message, "OH WINK FORGER MOM, O ONLY IN MY GREMLIN" anagrams to "WORKING FROM HOME, ROLLING IN MY MONEY". Writing a bestseller has its perks.

Oto-whoos-a-whats-it-called-ology?

From the archives:

Apparently, they go by "E.N.T." because "otorhinolaryngologist" just doesn't roll of the tongue so easily.

Explanation: I learned yesterday that an ear, nose, and throat doctor, or E.N.T. is actually a doctor of otorhinolaryngology.

Some day I'd like to meet an otorhinolaryngologist who shares my dislike of the deinstitutionalization of constitutionalizations drawn from overcommercialization due to overintellectualizing counterinterpretations of antiauthoritarianism in the private sector, which always leads to nonrepresentationalism. Then again, I'd settle for an electroencephalographer who appreciates the electrophysiological indistinguishabilities of any anthropomorphizations of hexamethylenetetramine, ethylenediaminetetraacetate, and phosphatidylethanolamines (from a spectrophotometrical perspective, of course - not antiferromagnetically). I always get a kick out of such immunoelectrophoretical intercomprehensibilities.

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Day 12

Jeremy's Status Message Proudly Presents The Twelve Days of Christmas:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas,
My online anagram finder gave to me,
Mummers vend lewd rug trim,
Viper nipples peeing,
Penned alligators,
Sandal ending in ice,
Salami king might die,
Mass newsman viewings,
I see lying axe gas,
Diverging Felons,
Bald slicing furor,
Eh... Fresh Entrench?
Vetoed Wort Lust,
And I retained a paper garter.

Explanation: These are simply anagrams of the gifts on the twelve days of Christmas. Want to look them up yourself? Here are convenient links to the anagram finder. I got a great deal of amusement out of looking these up. Unfortunately, several of the most amusing anagrams were not publishable.* Note that if there are a lot of anagrams, the page may be slow to load:

Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four calling birds
Three French hens
Two turtledoves
A partridge in a pear tree.

*Yes, I deemed "Viper nipples peeing" as publishable. I understand that. There are just some words I can't put on the blog, that's all.

This concludes the Twelve Days of Christmas on Jeremy's Status Message. We hope you had a joyous holiday season and look forward to seeing you in the new year!

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Day 8

Jeremy's Status Message Proudly Presents The Twelve Days of Christmas:

On the eight day of whatchamacallit,
What's-his-name gave to me,
Eight gizmos,
Seven thingamajigs,
Six thingamabobbers,
Five hoobajoobs,
Four doodads,
Three ka-jiggers,
Two whatsits,
And one of those doo-hickies.

Special Blog Bonus: This post is loosely based on that show. You know the one. The show with the guy who does that thing. No, the thing. You know, with the stuff? Yeah, that thing. That guy cracks me up. I love that show.

Pet Peeve: Pronounstitution

My Pet Peeve:

People who misfuse words.

Explanation: Yesterday, in an online chat, somebody made a snide remark about Ricky Williams' torn pectorial. Now, as far as I know, a pectorial should be a collection of photographs of men's chests. Why Ricky Williams has one, I have no idea, but the man smokes up a lot and did wear a wedding dress that one time, so I guess anything is possible.

As I thought about this, I realized that I have seen this phenomenon several times. Usually, it happens when somebody is reaching just outside of their vocabulary for a word. They don't quite get the word right, but they do manage to combine the word with another one, also slightly outside of their vocabulary. After a little stroll through my therannysaurus*, I have decided to call this phenomenon the misfuse of words. (This choice slightly edged out pronounstitution)

I can think of a few other examples of word misfuse. I was once told by somebody that a person had broken their tibula. I said "Wow, that's too bad," feeling for the poor guy - not only are his two lower leg bones fused together, but he managed to break them too! That just sucks.

Then, of course, there was Mike Tyson (Mike, if you're reading this, we at Jeremy's Status Message has nothing but the utmost respect for you) who once said, "I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian." I don't know much about South America, but I'm pretty sure he didn't plan on going there to be forgotten.

If you come up with any other examples of word misfuse, please feel free to post them as comments.

*I use a very big, very old thesaurus... with useless forelimbs.

Maine Blueberries

I know what it means, and I'm still not going to buy "Dirty Blueberries" from a man on the side of the road wearing only shorts.

Explanation: It was blueberry season when we went up to Mainie. "Dirty blueberries" are fresh blueberries that still have stems and some leaves on them. At the time, I didn't know that, and the woman we saw shortly afterward on the side of the road advertising "Clean Blueberries" seemed to be a much better place to buy.

Special Blog Bonus: When I go to new places, I like to come up with creative names for the locals, even if they don't actually go by such names. For instance, people from Maine could occasionally be called "Mainenites" or "Mainetees," while Vermonters could also be called "Vermontaters" or "Vermontpudlians." I must say, on that trip, I saw quite a few "Massachusettsketeers" as well.

Homonyms

Can you think of any more opposite homonyms than Dalai, Dolly, and Dali?












Explanation: Seriously, we need to extend the mathematical concept of orthogonality into celebrity to fully grasp the difference between Dolly Parton, the Dalai Lama, and Salvador Dali. One is a trashy blonde country singer, one is the reborn incarnation of a spritual leader, and the other was an eccentric painter best known for his flamboyant style melting clocks. Just look at their tense: one is Dolly, one was Dali, and one was, is, and always shall be the Dalai Lama.

Try not to get them confused. Can you see Richard Gere making a patronage to Nashville to study spirituality at the feet of Dolly Parton? Or Whitney Houston "covering" Dali's speech to the International Surrealist Exhibition by dressing in a diver's suit? Of course, I can totally see a modern surrealist mimic Parton's style of plastic surgery and low cut dresses... but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

And I didn't even consider throwing Dolley Madison into the mix!


EDITOR'S NOTE: I know Salvador Dali actually pronounced his last name "da-LEE" but the post is more fun if we overlook that fact.

Cashtration

From the archives:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Source: I think I saw this on the internet while house shopping. The important lesson we learned this week is that cashtration is perpetuated by much-needed home improvements, like new windows. Yes, both windows and Microsoft Windows suck. Hopefully the former won't crash as much as the latter does.

Today is my service anniversary at work! Eight years and still employed! WOO-HOO!

Boggle!

From the archives:

I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher. I get eleven points on the word "quagmire".

Source: Beastie Boys' song Putting Shame in Your Game off of the album Hello Nasty.

Explanation: Only the Beastie Boys would have a lyric about Boggle. And under normal Boggle rules (I just double checked them), you get 11 points for a word with eight or more letters. Even though "Qu" is on one tile, you still get a point for each letter.

Special Blog Bonus: Give it a go! You get three minutes. See the answers by looking here and then scrolling down.

Hoover's Paradox

From the archives:

Hoover's paradox: The inability of a vacuum cleaner to clean itself.

Source: This is original material. It was born from some combination of vacuum usage and having recently heard about a famous paradox which I was unfamiliar with. Doesn't matter. It still makes me giggle.

Agoraphobia

From the archives:

I bet agoraphobics are cheap dates. "Hey - do you want to go out tonight or just order something in?"

Source: This is a Jeremy original. I came up with this on a day when I was feeling particularly clever.

Explanation: Agoraphobics are afraid of open or public places, if you didn't know. You probably did, though.