A Rhetorical Haiku, Of Course

Friday has arrived.
No rhetorical questions.
How will we go on?

Explanation: It's Haiku Friday! With Evil Jeremy out of town, what on earth will we do without Rhetorical Friday? How can we possibly start our weekend without this mainstay of our Friday routine? How could he do this to us?

Should I even dignify this drivel with a response?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Can we talk about toasters now?

No. I will, however, encourage you to check out this xkcd from the other day. It has nothing to do with toasters, but it was really funny.


Now, turn off your computer and get busy enjoying the unofficial start of summer. Have a wonderful long weekend, everybody! See you on Tuesday.

Haiku Friday Reunion Tour!

I feel haiku-ey.
Which is better than flu-ey.
I guess that's something.

Explanation: Haiku Friday is back on it's once-in-a-lifetime reunion tour! See all of your favorites in one final performance! All of the original members will be there! See 5 take a break from his solo career! See 7 clean and sober for the first time ever! And ladies, straight from the cover of G.Q., the one, the only, 5 will be there as well! Buy tickets now! This is your FINAL chance to see Haiku Friday*.

And there you go. I have resorted to forming haikus from made-up words. You should try it. In fact, it's Friday. You should. Just post a comment with a haiku. Two requirements:

1) 5-7-5
2) Use a made-up word.

Let's see what you've got readership!

*Until the not-yet-announced We Ran Out of Money From the Last Reunion Tour tour.

A Snowy Haiku

Haiku Friday returns!

Working from home stinks.
No matter what the weather,
I don't get snow days.

Explanation: Days like today are no fun for the telecommuter. I always work from home. This is not a big deal. My home office carries on as always. Meanwhile, my coworkers in the blustery north are out shoveling all day, while my wife is home from school, sleeping in just to spite me. The neighborhood kids will soon be outside my window, frolicking in the snow (and most likely in my yard, as well). Maybe I'll take a break at some point, go outside with the shovel, and beat a few of them senseless. That'll be fun.

Special Blog Bonus: First, here's a follow-up on yesterday's Shannon Doherty post. I said the picture was Photoshoppable. Here's proof:

The first picture is the original. The second is my Photoshop attempt to make her normal. The next comes compliments of Willie, and the last is from my dad. They're both retired. I have no excuse.

But that's not all! Make sure you go to eBay today and bid on the Virgin Mary pretzel. Just for the record, instead of shelling out five grand for this one, I'll happily make you a life-size Virgin Mary out of pretzel sticks for a mere $1000. For $2000, I'll make it out of Philadelphia-style soft pretzels. You can't beat that deal! Buy now!

LEGO Haiku!

Unfortunately,
My LEGO Haiku exists
Only in my blog.

Explanation: It is Haiku Friday, and I used my status message to redirect everyone to my blog to witness the awesomeness that is my LEGO Haiku:


Also, coming soon to Philly is the Art of Brick museum show. It'll be at the American Swedish Historical Museum from August 22 to November 30 in 2008. I think my favorite piece is Yellow:


And finally, as part of today's super LEGO extravaganza, Operation Lethal Duck, which won the Castle Siege category of the www.classic-castle.com LEGO Castle Contest. You have to check this out!

Last Minute Beer Substitution

I don't think Dos Equis is an "adult beverage." Now, if there was a "Tres Equis," that would be a different story.

Explanation: I'm not going to explain this any further. It's a little racy, I'll admit, but it was a last minute substitution for a wonderful LEGO post that can't happen due to technical difficulties. So, you get beer instead.

I'll throw in a whiny haiku, just 'cause I'm a good sport:

Can't chew on left side.
Black eye is now orange-brown.
And my heel still hurts.

Special Blog Bonus: Just to be nice, I will include M.C. Escher's Relativity in LEGO:

It's Gray Friday!

Drive-by body pierce.
Get crazy with the Cheese-Whiz!
Whatever that means.

Explanation: It's a special song lyrics version of Haiku Friday! Today's lead haiku was inspired by Loser by Beck. That song has some bizarre lyrics.

But that's not all!

From Zoot Suit Riot:
Who's your daddy? Yes I am!
They should tell Pedro.

Explanation: Here I am cleverly combining the lyrics of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies and a quote by former Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez who proclaimed the following after a loss in 2004: "What can I say? I tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy." Nowhere else but Jeremy's Status Message can you find such a clever blend of pop culture and sports. Nowhere! Don't even look elsewhere! Seriously, stop looking.

I am the highway.
I am not your rolling wheels.
Audioslave rocks.

Explanation: I am the Highway by Audioslave is just a good tune. That's all.

He's the space cowboy.
Some people call him Maurice.
I just call him Steve.

Explanation: I'm sure you all know this one. In Joker, by the Steve Miller Band, some people call him the space cowboy. Some call him the gangster of love. I prefer just using his first name.

Special Blog Bonus: Now, stepping away from the world of music, I have several random notes to mention:

1. Congratulations to my favorite Bosnian on the purchase of his house today! Stay tuned to find out if Enter Sandman is playing on the public address system as he walks in to close.
2. Special note for Barry Bonds: You can't spell "indicted" without "dic". Think about that.
3. Happy Gray Friday! I deem it so, because it's not quite Black Friday yet. Only 34 shopping days until Christmahanukkwanzakah! This means one important thing: next week NOBODY will be here to read my status messages. Such fun!

And finally, here's a trivia question to keep you occupied during the holiday week. What are the nine current MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL arenas or stadiums named for the teams that play in them? (No cheating!)

Virginia Tech 27, Georgia Tech 3

The sun is shining,
Birds chirping. Life is better
When the Hokies win.

Explanation: Now, certainly I will concede to you that Georgia Tech, a very strong running team, came into the game with their top two running backs injured. That put the responsibility for their offense squarely on the shoulders of their quarterback, who apparently doesn't actually have very big shoulders. That being said, my Hokies responded to last Thursday's unspeakable heartbreak quite well, totally demoralizing the Yellow Jackets.

Haikus are better
Without all those censored words
Don't you think? "<BLEEP> yeah!"

Special Blog Bonus: More from The Big Bang Theory:

Haiku You, B.C. Haiku You.

Tech's up ten-zero
Three minutes left, then we lose.
It is what it is.

Yeah, it's <bleep>ing haiku <bleep>ing Friday. (Can you tell I'm composing this on Thursday night after the football game?)

I wanted to highlight the phrase "it is what it is" and this seems like the perfect opportunity. This is a phrase people use in one of two ways:

1. "This <bleep>ing sucks, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it."
2. "This <bleep>ing sucks, but there's absolutely nothing I will do about it."

To paraphrase, the first flavor means "we're screwed" and the second means "you're screwed." A very significant difference. In the workplace, it is important to take note of this distinction, because often management will use the second flavor, but pretend to be using the first.

As for my Hokies, trust me, I am using the first one. I am also using many other choice unbloggable words right now. I composed the following haiku shortly after my Hokies muffed a Boston College onside kick attempt, giving them the ball back with a chance to win the game:

<bleep> <bleep> mother <bleep>
How could you <bleep> <bleep> the <bleep>
You <bleep> <bleep>ing <bleep>

OK. For the rest of the weekend, I shall pretend that there's no such thing as college football. The following is a distraction if you plan on doing the same.

Link of the Day: Play Treasure of Cutlass Reef online.* Drown your college football sorrows by sinking and plundering pirate ships!

*Hat tip to "Jim" for this link.**

**I've seen "hat tips" in other blogs and always wanted to do it myself. Now I have! Thanks "Jim"!

I'm Here Because I'm Bored!

Long week, tired wife.
I have a chance... Time it right...
"Pizza for dinner?"

It's Haiku Friday again!

Minesweeper movie:
"But what if we get an eight?"
"May God help us all."

Much Love to the (575)

I think the Phillies
would much rather be playing
against the Mets now.

Explanation: I have watched (parts of) my first baseball games of the year because the hometown Phillies finally made it into the postseason. Their reward? The red hot Colorado Rockies, who are now up 2-0 in the five game series. I was just thinking the Mets would have been a better team to play right now, given their epic end-of-season collapse. Unfortunately, they're playing golf right now. More importantly...

IT'S HAIKU FRIDAY!!!

Large trucks deliver,
But seven A.M. is too
Early for reverse.

"Tickle Me" Elmo -
Soon his fans will be adults.
Hail our red leader.

Hey you! Little Dog!
If you keep "wetting" our lawn,
We'll get Rottweilers.

Special Blog Bonus: More from Haiku Circus

Hevad Khan

BULLDOZER!!!

Source: At the 2007 World Series of Poker Main Event, Hevad Khan, a competitor from Poughkeepsie, New York, finished in forth place. After having read quite a bit about his antics, I was interested in seeing him in the televised episodes. One of the things he does routinely when winning a pot is scream "BULLDOZER!" I don't know why. The guy's in a room for like 15 hours a day sucking down Red Bull and I'm sure most of the people there have crazy B.O. I'd probably go a little nutso, myself.



Oh, today is Friday, isn't it? Let me rephrase in haiku...

Hours of poker.
No lights, no clocks, I lose it.
I scream "BULLDOZER!"

Another Haiku Friday

Popular demand
Mandated Haiku Friday
Return for part two.

Explanation: You know, last Friday was so much fun, I figured I'd write some more. Happy Friday!

Who's the boss, you ask?
Some would say it was Tony.
I say Angela.

Tried a Limerick:
Tell the man from Nantucket
Not enough sylla

Canadian Geese
Visited my neighborhood.
Look out for their poop

Special Blog Bonus: All sorts of goodies today. First, there's the Peep haiku:


There's the Hasslehoff haiku:



And two offerings from Haiku Circus, which appears to be back in business:

It's Haiku Friday!

I mow and it grows.
I mow and it grows some more.
I'm ready for snow.

Explanation: I have to mow my lawn today so the neighbors don't rise up and kick me out of the neighborhood. And today seemed like a good day for haiku. (Plus, I just watched the "Mr. Plow" episode of The Simpsons) Want another? Here are a few more:

The Game Show Network
Is not part of my package.
Why, Comcast, why? Why?

Syllable pattern
Will soon prefix your phone calls
To New Mexico

Bad morning at sink,
Simultaneous brushing,
Wife spits on your head

And a "Haiku Circus" comic (which does not appear to be published anymore):