Save the Whales

From the archives:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Source: This was a bumper sticker I saw online.

Special Blog Bonus: An exerpt from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.
And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to terms with not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thought from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended.

Ah...! What's happening? it thought.
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's sort of... yawning, tingling sensation in my... my... well, I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let's call it my stomach.
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what about this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that... wind! Is that a good name? It'll do... perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very important, because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What's this thing? This... let's call it a tail - yeah, tail. Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty good, can't I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now, have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation...
Or is it the wind?
There really is a lot of that now, isn't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming toward me very fast? Very, very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide-sounding name like... ow... ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name - ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?

And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.

Sorbet Saturday, Part 1

From the archives:

One might think that a somewhat intelligent software engineer would be able to consume his dessert without operating instructions.

Explanation: A friend of mine (let's call him "Sam") ordered lime sorbet while we were at a department lunch once, several years ago. The sorbet came beautifully packaged in a giant frozen lime. In fact, the rock-solid lime appeared to be impenetrabble. Most of us were done with our desserts before "Sam" realized that there was a very fine seam along the top of the lime which allowed the top to be removed for consumption of the sorbet within.

Now, I'm not going to say that he was the only one confused by that particular dessert, but he ordered it, so he gets all the credit.

Hevad Khan

BULLDOZER!!!

Source: At the 2007 World Series of Poker Main Event, Hevad Khan, a competitor from Poughkeepsie, New York, finished in forth place. After having read quite a bit about his antics, I was interested in seeing him in the televised episodes. One of the things he does routinely when winning a pot is scream "BULLDOZER!" I don't know why. The guy's in a room for like 15 hours a day sucking down Red Bull and I'm sure most of the people there have crazy B.O. I'd probably go a little nutso, myself.



Oh, today is Friday, isn't it? Let me rephrase in haiku...

Hours of poker.
No lights, no clocks, I lose it.
I scream "BULLDOZER!"

Stupid Chocolates

Dear Lindt,

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

A Letter to the Good People at Lindt Chocolate:

Dear Lindt,

My wife and I went to visit her grandmother this weekend. Her grandmother is currently in a rehab center after having her hip replaced.* While we were there, Grandma offered us each a Lindt Lindor truffle. She directed us toward a container in her room and said, "they're for my visitors." I politely declined. I do not eat chocolates all that often and certainly not on a muggy day like it was when we visited. My wife declined as well. After the further insistance of her grandmother, my wife finally relented, while I still said I did not want one. She said, "But, they're for visitors!" which was my cue to just take one even if I didn't want one. I was just trying to make my hostess happy. I stashed it the breast pocket of my shirt so I wouldn't forget it. My wife even said to her grandmother that we would save them for dessert after our lunch, which seemed like as good a time as any to eat this chocolate that I didn't really want.

After the visit, on our way out of the rehab center, my wife gave me her chocolate and said it had already started to soften while in her purse. That should have been my first clue. I held both chocolates in my hand, knowing that I couldn't forget about them or they would melt. When we got to the car, I put them in one of the cupholders in my center console, and promptly forgot about them. That would prove to be a big mistake.

Several days later, (yesterday) I embarked on a three-hour drive to the office for work. I settled my stuff into the car, including my water bottle, which I dutifully placed in the unoccupied cup holder in the car. After a stop at Dunkin' Donuts, where I had bought a chocolate milk, I did some shuffling, which ultimately resulted in the chocolates moving to the passenger seat and my water bottle moving to where the chocolates had been.

It's important to note that, in order to get to the office on time, I had to leave the house before 6:00am. It was dark out for the first half of my trip. I couldn't see much inside the car while I got my stuff settled.

Somewhere during my trip, I realized that there was chocolate on the passenger seat. At that point, it occurred to me that the chocolates had melted and moved around on the seat. Nothing to worry about - the seat is leather and everything cleaned up with a moist napkin. I was frustrated by this, but I disposed of the chocolates and that problem was solved...

Until I left the highway. My sunglasses had a smudge on them, so, when I stopped at the first traffic light, I went to clean them off with my shirt. At that point, I noticed that there was chocolate all over my lap. My first thought was that I had settled the chocolates on my lap for some reason before moving them to the passenger seat. It seemed odd that I hadn't gotten any on my hands, though.

Soon I came to the realization that the problem was in the cup holder. Over the course of a few days, the truffles had melted significantly enough to form a nice little layer of chocolate. As the car warmed up, so did the pool, liquifying it into my own personal mobile fondue pot, and getting it all over the bottom of my water bottle.

Ironically, as I had used the water bottle to moisten the napkin to clean the chocolate off of the passenger seat, I rested it on my lap several times, covering myself with even more chocolate. By the time I realized where the chocolate was coming from, I was coated in it. In my efforts to clean myself off (using more water) I managed to have a giant wet spot on my lap and a bunch of giant brown splotches to go with it. Not how I want to present myself at work.

Why? All because I took one of your stupid chocolates that I didn't even want in the first place. Over the years, life's little lessons have programmed me with instincts that I can't even explain, only to learn WHEN I IGNORE THEM that those instincts serve an important purpose. I knew that I wouldn't follow through on throwing out the chocolates. I knew I'd forget about them. So, I tried to nip it in the bud, but nooo - I have to be polite. Forget politeness. I'm following my instincts from now on.

So, the next time somebody insists that I have a Lindt Chocolate, I'm going to say no anyway.

I just thought you'd want to know that.

Sincerely Bite me,

Jeremy


*I feel comfortable discussing this online because my wife's grandmother will never ever see this. If you know her grandmother, please refrain from mentioning this story. The stress of it may set her back in her recovery from surgery. You wouldn't want to cause harm to a kind elderly woman, would you? WOULD YOU???

Fun Facts About Sloths

"My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantelpiece, in order to prove it could be done. This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees."

Source: Douglas Adams from The Salmon of Doubt.

Shirley, You Can't Be Serious.

"One of the interesting things of my minor league experience is just how into the games people get in like Yakima, Washington or Fargo, North Dakota, because there is nothing else to do - the people just are living and dying by their team. I mean I saw the same phenomenon in just coming back from Spain on the island of Menorca where there are only 65,000 people in the entire island and 5000 of them were at our games and were losing their minds whether won or lost. When we finally saved the team from relelgation to the second division and came back to the island the next day, there were 5000 people waiting in the city center and we went up on this balcony to like pontiff style talk to the masses as they bowed at our feet. And, uh, you're right, you don't get that in New Jersey."

Source: Paul Shirley responding to Bill Simmons about Nets fans.

Explanation: Well, frankly, I'm a sucker for anything related to the Balearic Islands, but if you combine that with New Jersey, the quote is a winner for sure.

Paul Shirley is also the author of Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in My Life as a Basketball Vagabond, which I have not yet read, but plan to.

Stripes?

"A leopard can't change its stripes."

Source: Emmitt Smith, on NFL Countdown, explaining that, even though a football team like the Houston Texans is 2-0 so far this year, their losing history may catch up to them as soon as they're hit with some adversity.

Sarcastic Response:

Dear Mr. Smith,

The following is a picture of a leopard:


Note the unique arrangement of stripes: one of nature's clever tricks to make predators believe this is a more dangerous spotted animal instead of a peace-loving striped cat like the leopard. Thank you for pointing out this miracle of evolution. Before this brilliant piece of insight, I was questioning why a football preview show featuring mostly video clips would require five studio hosts. Now I understand. Your additions to this program are invaluable. Please continue the good work.

Sincerely,
Jeremy's Status Message

P.S. Can you please explain the point of Keyshawn Johnson? I just don't get it. Is he some sort of joke or something?

Special Sneak Preview: Next week, Tennessee Titans' quarterback Vince Young will show off his college education by explaining why many as many as one-fifth of Americans can't find the United States on a map.

Flat Seltzer

From the archives:

Is flat seltzer just water?

Source: I think this is original material. I was wondering that one day.

Furthermore, is red wine the best thing for cleaning up seltzer spills? Inquiring minds want to know!

Alanis Knows Her Furniture

From the archives:

"The conflicts, the craziness, and the sound of credenzas falling... all aroooooooound."

Source: Alanis Morisette's song All I Really Want.

Explanation: Sure, it's really the sound of pretenses falling, but I think credenzas just fit in so nicely with "conflicts" and "craziness". Plus, it makes for some great imagery.

Do you think Jagged Little Pill was helpful? Was touring the country while verbally eviscerating her ex (rumored to be Dave Coulier of all people) really therapudic? From past experience, I've found that you can spend all the time you want entrenched in bitterness, but in order to heal, you really need to cast it aside and move on. Maybe that's what Alanis did when she played God in Dogma.

This has been your Mental Health Minute, courtesy of Jeremy's Status Message.* Have a great weekend.

*Jeremy's Status Message is not a licensed psychotherapist. If you truly need assistance, consult a mental health professional... but you're certainly reading the right blog!**

**By the way, your sweater is on backwards and inside out. How appropriate.

Another Haiku Friday

Popular demand
Mandated Haiku Friday
Return for part two.

Explanation: You know, last Friday was so much fun, I figured I'd write some more. Happy Friday!

Who's the boss, you ask?
Some would say it was Tony.
I say Angela.

Tried a Limerick:
Tell the man from Nantucket
Not enough sylla

Canadian Geese
Visited my neighborhood.
Look out for their poop

Special Blog Bonus: All sorts of goodies today. First, there's the Peep haiku:


There's the Hasslehoff haiku:



And two offerings from Haiku Circus, which appears to be back in business:

Midday Update: Simpsonized Jeremy

You may notice that my profile photo is now a "Simpsonized" version of myself. You too can Simpsonize yourself. All you need is a photo of yourself. If you're clever, you can just submit a large photo of anyone from the web and then customize it to look like you. (I wasn't that clever, though.) Special thanks to Willie for the link. I'll add this to my Daily Distractions list.

You know, I labored long and hard as to whether I should make this post, since it is not actually a status message, but finally I decided that this is my best option. As some of you may recall, I used to have a seperate blog about updates to this blog. That seemed like overkill. So, I'm just going to post about stuff like this in the blog. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. Nyah!

In the Clutches of the Diabolical Sgt. Stiletto

Only you can save Bon Jovi from eternal damnation.

Source: This is something Special J says on the 2 Skinnee J's live album, Return of the Furious Dragon. It's not a song lyric, he just throws it in during the live performance of In the Clutches of the Diabolical Sgt. Stiletto.

Who knew?

Explanation: Honestly, the line doesn't make too much sense to me. In fact, the whole song has always been somewhat confusing. Sgt. Stiletto is a bad person. Very very bad. Like "Devil" bad. That's all I can really tell you.

Anyway, for some reason, this line got stuck in my head last night and I thought it would make a fun status message. I actually had to dig through the whole album to remember what song this was from.

Special Blog Bonus: Here are the song lyrics for your perusal, followed by a performance from the 7/18/03 2 Skinnee J's farewell show at B.B. King's in New York City. (I'm the tall guy in the back.) Maybe it'll make more sense to you. Don't worry, though. I think Bon Jovi is safe.

The scent of danger brings me to the edge of panic
Now I’m caught in the plot that was thought up
Satanic like mayo – dayo- daylight comes
And I want to get home before I’m burnt by the sun
I wanna be free in peace love and harmony
But my Miranda be vanishing like Carmen see
Check the scripture a picture emerges
Bells chime at the twelfth sign of the seven scourges
And the first is the sleeper steeped in the force
Of the dark side astride behold a pale horse
And the source be above the law like Segal
The thought of his stare raise my hair like Vidal
Now he stalks where I walk, setting soldiers at the border
And hopes to catch Guevara acing out of order
“Cause I eat a fool like Ozzy eats a bat
And the fact is I was kidnapped, thrown in the back
Of the unmarked van destination unknown
In league with the intrigue a la Oliver Stone
for starting revolutions 33 1/3
“You’re mine now,” was all I heard
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware Sgt. Stiletto

J Guevara takes the 5th to those who would drag me under
Like coyote to roadrunner
Now the population faces incarceration while select serpents reach certain circles of illumination
Looking over my shoulder, I’m seeing shadows on the walls
I'm turning pallid at the thought of the gallows seven gables
Loom before me can’t neglect the connection
Seven are the signs of the cross on the pendulum
Stiletto, the name of the nemesis
Guevara, I'm trapped in the labyrinth
Assassins be passing me and I amongst their midst
Before my name is known I slip into the mist
I exist, the specialist, who persists
To vent the secret entrance I decipher the hieroglyphs
Tada! The creaking floor reveals a door
Voila! I emerge into the crypt
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware Sgt. Stiletto

Now I'm strapped to the rack and the terror’s on
Damn I feel like the man from the marathon
I gotta bust out or I’m dusted like Hoffman
I feel like the Minnow, <expletive deleted> I’m lost
My little keys unlock mysteries unknown
I roam his catacombs like Jones
I float like a butterfly, seek revenge like Khan
And I’ve got dreams of scenes beyond like Papillion
I’m making a date with the undertaker
As Stiletto sends me off to meet my maker
I charge past the guards, I come like Kool Aid
Then I bust through the wall like Big Jim Slade

You flip the switch and you fall for the trap
Your friends have fallen in and you can’t get ‘em back
There’s a dragon underground, you heard the bellow
Beware Sgt. Stiletto
In the jurisdiction mark the prediction
‘Cause the truth's stranger than fiction
from the get go the watcher says so
beware...

Buffalo Wings

Why do buffalo have such tiny wings?

Explanation: As I was eating some buffalo wings the other night, I began to ponder a few important questions. First of all, we've all had buffalo wings. How does a wing that small hold up an animal that weighs more than a thousand pounds? They must be super efficient, which then leads me to wonder what kind of cruel, sick people we are for depriving the buffalo of their amazing wings.

Native Americans were well known for using every part of the buffalo. First of all, how did they catch these flying behemoths? They must have been very efficient hunters. Now, since they used everything, at least we know they made the most of any buffalo they managed to kill. Us? We just pluck their wings off and maybe make "bison burgers" out of some extra meat for exotic restaurants to serve. We must chuck the rest. Very wasteful.

Also, what did Native Americans do with the wings? Did they slather them in their own hot sauce and eat them with blue cheese dressing and celery? (Note that the fancier looking "bleu cheese" came with the French settlers later on.) Did they eat them at bars while they watched lacrosse games? These are important questions! Why isn't this stuff on Wikipedia? Maybe I should check...


Oops. Never mind my questions. Turns out this was all a misunderstanding. My apologies for thinking that Wikipedia wouldn't have all of the information I would possibly need, including mention of Jessica Simpson in their article on buffalo wings.

Buzzword Bingo

I really liked that "Buzzword Bingo" commercial I saw on television last night.

Explanation: See, the commercial pokes fun at corporate executives who can't communicate without using a slew of buzzwords and end up not actually saying anything. I was amused, because I feel like the executives at my company are just like this. Then I realized that my company made the commercial. Then I was depressed.

Special Blog Bonus: Try Buzzword Bingo in your own meetings! (Or, you can also print a card from here or here)

Spiderpig

Spiderpig, Spiderpig. Does whatever a Spiderpig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out! He's a Spiderpig.

Source: The Simpsons Movie.

Explanation: I finally saw The Simpsons Movie this weekend. Homer gets a pig and plays with it, including making up this Spiderpig song.



Oh, as an added bonus, I came home and found the entire movie on YouTube.* I could have saved the $13.50 I spent on my ticket and my tub of Cherry Coke. Oh well. I guess you have to pay for the comfort of stadium seating.

*The movie is still on YouTube, by the way. You should check it out before the powers that be discover their copyright is being violated.

If You Don't Get This, It May Apply To You

From the archives:

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Special Blog Bonus: Here, you can test this theory out on a Far Side comic:

You Suck, Mr. Anderson

From the archives:

I saw the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night. So I have seen the Matrix Reloaded. However, if I had not seen the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night, I would not have seen the Matrix Reloaded. Did I choose to see the movie, or was my choice predestined? Is this even a unique reality? Has a previous version of me seen the movie before? I understand everything now. Only one important question remains: WHY ON EARTH DID MY BARREL OF CHERRY COKE COST $4.50???

Explanation: This post is from when the second Matrix movie was still in the theaters. Well, last night I watched the last Matrix movie (Matrix 3: Return of the King/Jedi/One or whatever it was called) on HBO and I want to rant. But, before I rant, I should note that there were no Ewoks in the movie, and that's always a good thing. That being said...

The Matrix trilogy is a big crock of spit. It's nerd fantasy and I think it just got totally out of control. First, I should admit that it has its fine points. The combination of special effects and cinematography was flat out revolutionary. The first movie was a great idea - an outcast nerd discovers he has the power to save the world, which isn't what we all think it is. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and the idea to end it with a Rage Against the Machine song was top notch.

Everything past that is just silly. Hey, let's create some characters who are physically withered and pale, but experts with computers, and they shall be the salvation of humanity. Furthermore, they should all go by their screen names in real life. AND, when plugged into a computer, they become superhuman just based on the strength of their minds. Yep, they are so powerful when "online", they can bend the laws of nature to their whim. And the nerdiest of them all gets the girl. That's realistic. What's next? Maybe their avatars in this online world are more attractive versions of themselves with slicked back hair, skintight leather outfits, and expensive sunglasses? Oh wait, they are. You think the Wachowski brothers wrote the script one weekend instead of playing their usual 56-consecutive hours of Dungeons and Dragons? It's like Peter Jackson quit their weekly game to make the Lord of the Rings trilogy and they wanted to prove that they could do it, too.

And you know what? That stuff isn't even what pisses me off about the trilogy. I believe the Wachowski brothers had absolutely no idea what the plot really was. They just decided to ramble on and on about making choices and destiny and hope that their audience interprets the drivel as art instead of what it really is. Drivel. Miss Teen South Carolina would have fit right in as a character:

I belive U.S. Zionians have choices to make like, such as. Our destiny is like, fate, such as we were chosen, and beginnings must come to ends. I believe in Neo, like the Morpheus and Trinity, such as. We have chosen fate, like destiny, like such as our calling and the Oracle. I know what I must do, such as choosing to do it should build up our future for our...

This philosophy of not actually having a plot, and instead pretending your script is abstract and artsy, enables a phenomenon I call "Nerdsturbation". Essentially, all of the viewers who look like the characters in this movie (i.e. nerds) feel really good about themselves, because they connected with the movie. They then assign a meaning of their choosing to the film and then, and this is the important part, explain their theory on a message board somewhere and proclaim that it was obvious and anybody who didn't come to this same conclusion is a moron. Furthermore, it is important to commend the Wachowski brothers as geniuses, because geniuses stick together, as the movie reminds us.

This whole movie reminds me of a piece of modern art, where no matter how much the snooty European man tells you about the pattern of the brush strokes symbolizing the artist's uphill fight against society, you just see a bunch of poop-colored paint smeared on a canvas.

OK. I'm done. Let's just hope I don't come across one of the Star Wars prequels in the next few days.

It's Haiku Friday!

I mow and it grows.
I mow and it grows some more.
I'm ready for snow.

Explanation: I have to mow my lawn today so the neighbors don't rise up and kick me out of the neighborhood. And today seemed like a good day for haiku. (Plus, I just watched the "Mr. Plow" episode of The Simpsons) Want another? Here are a few more:

The Game Show Network
Is not part of my package.
Why, Comcast, why? Why?

Syllable pattern
Will soon prefix your phone calls
To New Mexico

Bad morning at sink,
Simultaneous brushing,
Wife spits on your head

And a "Haiku Circus" comic (which does not appear to be published anymore):

Yes, There Is Something Freakier Than Michael Jackson Circa 1982

"See, the difference is that this is the new, freaky Michael Jackson, versus the older, slightly less freaky Michael Jackson."

Explanation: So, yesterday I had these song lyrics in my head:

Jam, jam, here comes the man,
Hot damn!

As I was singing them, (be glad I work alone in my house) I tried to figure out what song it was from. Then it hit me. EEEEEEEEW! It's Michael Jackson!

Now, I have no problem with the "Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa" refrain from Wanna Be Starting Something. Same goes for Billie Jean. So why is Jam icky and those aren't? And hence, I came up with the answer that is today's status message. Yes, I feel that the 1982 moonwalking glove-wearing freak who recorded Thriller is less weird than the 1991 skin-bleaching oxygen-tank-sleeping Neverland-Ranching freak who recorded Dangerous. And I stand by that.

Interesting note: In 1984, a TIME Magazine article described Jackson as "Undeniably sexy. Absolutely safe." No word on if Boy's Life made any similar proclamations.

Special Blog Bonus: From the "I Don't Remember This Ever Happening" file, here's the video for Jam, featuring Michael Jordan, Heavy D, and Kriss Kross:

Let's Thank Our Sponsors

This message is brought to you by the letters B and X, and by the number 3.

Explanation: I was feeling very Sesame Street this morning*. What can I say? Plus, I've found that X, especially, is a great sponsor. Remember that television show it sponsored with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson? Big budget all the way. B is pretty much the opposite, but we welcome any sponsorship we can get.

Special Blog Bonus: While I'm on a muppet theme, please enjoy the muppet chickens playing piano:



*Elmo is your leader.

Suspect is Hatless. Repeat, Hatless.

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

Source: Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons.

Explanation: This is from the Homer's Triple Bypass episode of The Simpsons. Of course, I can't find video of this clip on YouTube... in English. So here it is in German:



And Spanish!



Special Blog Bonus: A different Chief Wiggum clip, in English this time:

Did You Hear the One...

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Answer: Yeah, I did too.

So, I just really wanted to leave it at that. It's the kind of joke you can construct the punchline from, so I don't really even need to tell you... But I will.

Real Answer: She was up all hours of the night wondering if there was a dog.

Punctuality

From the archives:

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

Source: This is a quote credited to Franklin P. Jones.

Explanation: I write this as I should be getting ready to leave the house. Seems appropriate.

Fly Ball vs. Infant

From the archives:

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

Source: Dave Barry.

Just some food for thought. Enjoy your weekend!

Also Worth Mentioning: #9 Virginia Tech at #2 LSU on ESPN tonight at 9pm. GO HOKIES!

Who's on Stage?

Skippy, what's the name of that group playing on stage?

Source: This one is from Animaniacs. This would be the Slappy and Skippy bit where they do a "Who's on First?" bit at Woodstock. Classic.



Or, if you prefer to hear Skippy say "quien" a hundred times, you can see the Spanish version starting at 5:10 in the following clip:

More Maps For U.S. Americans!

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, like, such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as. And I believe that they should... our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq, and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our...

Source: This was Miss Teen South Carolina's response to the following question:

Recent polls have shown a fifth of the Americans cannot locate the U.S. on a map. Why do you think this is?



Special Jeremy's Status Message Counterpoint: Yes, I personally agree that U.S. Americans like in the, such as the Iraq and, such as, South Africa are needing maps, like such as. However, I would personally contend that, in the such as, like the Asian countries, U.S. American maps are such as, like the Iraq and such as South Africa for our children. Furthermore, I personally disagree with U.S. Americans and the such as Asian countries like such as the Iraq and Asian countries, like such as maps and other such like the Iraq. In conclusion, I personally believe the better maps for U.S. Americans unlike the Iraq and like, such as South Africa and the Asian countries, our education so we can build up our future. Thank you.

You Sunk My Battleship!

Luckily, nobody guessed G-4 through G-7 yesterday while I was on the U.S.S. New Jersey.

Explanation: See, had they guessed those coordinates, they would have sunk the battleship while I was on it.


Special Blog Bonus: Play Battleship online!

Si Lo Construye...

From the archives:

Si lo construye, él vendrá.

Source: This was the defining line in Field of Dreams... when I saw it on television in Spain. Jim and I spent the rest of our vacation whispering this to nobody in particular.

Explanation: "If you build it, he will come."

Here's the cleverness. I saw this movie on vacation. And today, I am on vacation. So there you go. Here's a comic to tide you over until tomorrow.

Happy Labor Day!

From the archives:

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he still slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accepting a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway, but his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the head, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.

"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"

"I got here in two, didn't I?"

Explanation: A little Labor Day golf humor. I got this joke from my father-in-law. Enjoy your long weekend!

Do-It-Yourself Joke

Michael Vick, Appalachian State, Big House. Make your own joke.

Explanation: Sorry for the late post - I'm having a crazy day. Vick is going to the big house soon and he won't enjoy it. Appalachian State went to play Michigan yesterday (at their stadium, which is known as the "Big House") and beat them in what was one of the biggest upsets in college football history. So, needless to say, they enjoyed their trip.

I've gotta run. If you come up with a good joke, feel free to post a comment.

IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

From the archives:

GO HOKIES!!!

Explanation: Yeah, this was a status message I ran once before. I have the records to prove it. Nothing too clever about it, I know, but it's absolutely perfect for today.


I've been waiting a long time for this. My school has been through more this offseason than I could have possibly imagined. All I've wanted since the shootings was for normalcy to return. And nothing is more normal in Blacksburg than cheering for the Hokies in Lane Stadium.

TODAY THE VIRGINIA TECH FOOTBALL SEASON BEGINS!

Without further ado, I give you the video of Virginia Tech taking the field against Clemson last season. I still get goosebumps...