Happy Labor Day!
From the archives:
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he still slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accepting a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway, but his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the head, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.
"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
"I got here in two, didn't I?"
Explanation: A little Labor Day golf humor. I got this joke from my father-in-law. Enjoy your long weekend!
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Two men, a priest and an aetheist, are playing golf.
At the green on the first hole, the aetheist, lines up for a short two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and does not go in. "Dammit, I missed!" exclaims the aetheist.
The priest, then tells the aetheist that he shouldn't curse, because God will punish the aetheist for doing so.
On the second hole, the aetheist tries a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green and instead lands in a sand bunker. "Dammit I missed!" exclaimed the aetheist, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse.
The round continues in much the same way, with the aetheist continuing to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" every time he hits an errant ball (which is quite often), and the priest continues to admonish him about God's wrath.
Finally, they get to the eighteenth hole and the score is tied. The aetheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He taps the ball, and again he misses, and again, he curses his miss.
Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the preist, killing him.
Then, from the cloud comes a loud voice "Dammit, I missed."
OH NO! NOT ANOTHER GOLF JOKE!
Religious battle golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are golfing, and are stuck behind the slowest foursome in history. They watch the 4 duffers in front of them play, and their ineptitude is unbelievable. Shanks into the woods, worm-burners, slices, hooks, you name it. The course manager comes comes along, and the three men start to complain to him about the golfers up ahead.
The manager explains, "Those are four blind firemen. They all lost their eyesight while saving people from a fire in our clubhouse last year. We let them play for free whenever they want."
The three golfers now feel a little remorse for mocking the firemen and start to discuss amongst themselves.
"I'm going to go back to my chuch and say a special prayer for those men tonight," remarks the priest.
The doctor responds in turn, "I have a couple opthomologist friends...I'll call them tonight and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The engineer looks out in front of him. "Why can't these guys play at night?"
This is my favorite golf story:
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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