You Suck, Mr. Anderson

From the archives:

I saw the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night. So I have seen the Matrix Reloaded. However, if I had not seen the Matrix Reloaded on Saturday night, I would not have seen the Matrix Reloaded. Did I choose to see the movie, or was my choice predestined? Is this even a unique reality? Has a previous version of me seen the movie before? I understand everything now. Only one important question remains: WHY ON EARTH DID MY BARREL OF CHERRY COKE COST $4.50???

Explanation: This post is from when the second Matrix movie was still in the theaters. Well, last night I watched the last Matrix movie (Matrix 3: Return of the King/Jedi/One or whatever it was called) on HBO and I want to rant. But, before I rant, I should note that there were no Ewoks in the movie, and that's always a good thing. That being said...

The Matrix trilogy is a big crock of spit. It's nerd fantasy and I think it just got totally out of control. First, I should admit that it has its fine points. The combination of special effects and cinematography was flat out revolutionary. The first movie was a great idea - an outcast nerd discovers he has the power to save the world, which isn't what we all think it is. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and the idea to end it with a Rage Against the Machine song was top notch.

Everything past that is just silly. Hey, let's create some characters who are physically withered and pale, but experts with computers, and they shall be the salvation of humanity. Furthermore, they should all go by their screen names in real life. AND, when plugged into a computer, they become superhuman just based on the strength of their minds. Yep, they are so powerful when "online", they can bend the laws of nature to their whim. And the nerdiest of them all gets the girl. That's realistic. What's next? Maybe their avatars in this online world are more attractive versions of themselves with slicked back hair, skintight leather outfits, and expensive sunglasses? Oh wait, they are. You think the Wachowski brothers wrote the script one weekend instead of playing their usual 56-consecutive hours of Dungeons and Dragons? It's like Peter Jackson quit their weekly game to make the Lord of the Rings trilogy and they wanted to prove that they could do it, too.

And you know what? That stuff isn't even what pisses me off about the trilogy. I believe the Wachowski brothers had absolutely no idea what the plot really was. They just decided to ramble on and on about making choices and destiny and hope that their audience interprets the drivel as art instead of what it really is. Drivel. Miss Teen South Carolina would have fit right in as a character:

I belive U.S. Zionians have choices to make like, such as. Our destiny is like, fate, such as we were chosen, and beginnings must come to ends. I believe in Neo, like the Morpheus and Trinity, such as. We have chosen fate, like destiny, like such as our calling and the Oracle. I know what I must do, such as choosing to do it should build up our future for our...

This philosophy of not actually having a plot, and instead pretending your script is abstract and artsy, enables a phenomenon I call "Nerdsturbation". Essentially, all of the viewers who look like the characters in this movie (i.e. nerds) feel really good about themselves, because they connected with the movie. They then assign a meaning of their choosing to the film and then, and this is the important part, explain their theory on a message board somewhere and proclaim that it was obvious and anybody who didn't come to this same conclusion is a moron. Furthermore, it is important to commend the Wachowski brothers as geniuses, because geniuses stick together, as the movie reminds us.

This whole movie reminds me of a piece of modern art, where no matter how much the snooty European man tells you about the pattern of the brush strokes symbolizing the artist's uphill fight against society, you just see a bunch of poop-colored paint smeared on a canvas.

OK. I'm done. Let's just hope I don't come across one of the Star Wars prequels in the next few days.