Geography Fact Week: The Grand Finale

Pigtailed macaque monkeys are employed to pick coconuts on plantations in Thailand.

Source: The best book ever written by pigtailed macaque monkeys, Bite Size Geography - 150 Facts You Won't Believe!


Explanation: Apparently, these monkeys have been taught to select only the ripe coconuts and to swim after coconuts floating in ponds and streams. At some point, there were humans doing this job. Are there any words more demoralizing than "I'm sorry, we have to let you go. We are replacing you with trained monkeys."

Special Bonus Fact: No one knows why, but Lake Hillier on Middle Island, Australia, is bright pink in color.


Nobody has any questions, however, why the nearby Lake Peptobismol is also bright pink.

One Last Fact: Jeremy's Status Message has been written by trained monkeys for over two years now!

Geography Fact Week Crawls Along With a Trail of Slime Behind It

The French eat more snails than any other people in the world.

Source: The book my daughter chooses to eat over any other book, Bite Size Geography - 150 Facts You Won't Believe!


Explanation: What can I say? They like to surrender and they like to eat gastropods. And you wonder why...

Special Bonus Fact: France is visited by more tourists each year than any other country in the world.*

It's a no brainer. They have the best toast, fries, and onion soup in the world. Viva la France!

One More French Fact: The Eiffel Tower is 2.4 inches (6 centimetres for my loyal Canadian readership) taller on a hot summer day than it is on a cold winter night.

*A little known corollary to this fact is that the French surrender to 20% of these tourists.

Geography Fact Week Rolls On.

A mild electric current 3,750 miles long runs underground through Australia.

Source: The book ranked second to only a towel by the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the one, the only Bite Size Geography - 150 Facts You Won't Believe!


Explanation: One scientist (according to the book) thinks the electric current marks the boundaries where ancient pieces of Earth's crust came together and fused into a single landmass that became Australia.

Special Bonus Made-Up Fact: All Australians crossing this line are required by law to perform the Electric Slide.

Special Bonus Real Fact: Australians call hurricanes "willy-willies."

Geography Fact Week Continues!

Half the people who live in Africa are under 15 years of age.

Source: All Geography Fact Week information is courtesy of the bible of geography, Bite Size Geography: 150 Facts You Won't Believe!


Explanation: I would assume AIDS is the primary culprit in this statistic. That would make today's status not all that funny and actually quite seriously unfunny. I think I'll go fight AIDS by joining a "Put an end to AIDS" Facebook group. That ought to stop the disease dead in its tracks. Yep. Join a Facebook group, stop a disease. It's that easy. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

I should also mention that yesterday's blog post regarding the population density of the United States may have been my most hotly contested blog post ever. Apparently you people don't know what the Garden State Parkway traffic looks like this time of year, because the entire roadway is within a mile of the shore, and everybody on earth (and their mother) is on that road. Jeez.

Special Extra Fact: The tallest sand dunes in the Sahara desert are taller than the Empire State Building... and have never been climbed by a giant gorilla.

It's Geography Fact Week!

Geography Fact Week: More than half of all Americans live within an hour's drive of the seashore.

Source: This is from perhaps the most reputable Geography tome you could possibly have in your library. I'm speaking, of course, about Bite Size Geography - 150 Facts You Won't Believe!


Explanation: Over the course of her teaching career, my wife has accumulated numerous kids books through Scholastic's bonus program. This one appeared in our house shortly after her last day of school. Yes, all of my facts this week are based on a book for third-graders. Are these facts true? The book claims they are. That's good enough for me.

Let's look a little more deeply at this one. Here is a map of the population density of the United States as of the 2000 census:


Note that the dark dark blue color can range from 250 to 66,000 persons per square mile. Therefore, while this map doesn't give us all the information we need, it certainly tells us where the people aren't, and that's in Wyoming. Wyoming is not even remotely close to the seashore, and therefore the fact must be true.

Special Bonus Fact: If Wyoming were an ocean, more than 50% of the people in Wyoming would be more than 50% underwater.

Michael, My Online Support Specialist

Now, through the miracle of the internet, you can chat ONLINE with an outsourced tech support agent!

Explanation: This morning I had to request phone service for my work line, since my current plan through work is being sunset soon. As I was on my laptop in the family room with my daughter, who was happily napping in her swing, I did not want to head upstairs to the office to make the call. So, I used their "Online Chat" feature instead. I was immediately connected to a nice man named Michael, who then "typed" about 500 words to me in about 1.5 seconds. I'm guessing the text was canned. My suspicions were confirmed when he pulled the trigger on some canned text before seeing what I wrote:

Michael> May I please have the last four digits of the account holder's Social Security Number?
Jeremy> 1234
Michael> Thank you for the infomation.
Michael> Just to verify your order, you would like to have phone service for $39.95/month. Is that correct?
Jeremy> Yes.
Michael> Thank you for the confirmation.
Michael> I would like to inform you that there will be an activation fee of $29.95. This is [sic] one time payment only.
Jeremy> Your website does not show an activation fee.
Michael> Thank you for the information.

I began to wonder if "Michael" was my agent's real name, or if it was really Punjab, Ramesh, Bzytzc, or Boutros-Boutros. His words seemed to imply that he was not a native English speaker:

Michael> By the way, would you like to upgrade your current service to our Premium package for $60.50/month, Jeremy?
Jeremy> No thank you.
Michael> You are most welcome, Jeremy.

I think I'm going to make it my mission to respond to future "No thank you"s in that manner.

In the end, however, I must admit that Michael was quite helpful and I got my service ordered without having to understand a difficult accent on the other side of the phone line. Score one for the internet!

This Is Why Your Printer Doesn't Work

I recently learned that a USB cable is the exact same width as an ethernet cable.

Explanation: In "repairing" a friend's broken printer the other day, I discovered that the reason it was not working was because someone (not him) had used his laptop and then plugged the printer USB cable into the ethernet port. As completely ridiculous as this seemed, I realized that the cable had fit quite comfortably when I was fiddling with it blindly behind the machine.

Now, I still think plugging the USB cable into the ethernet port was idiotic in the first place, but I was impressed at how snugly the cable fit inside there.

The Tortoise vs. the Bolt of Lightning

It's electric. Boogie woogie woogie.

Source: The Electric Slide. Of course, this wording is also appropriate in the middle of a major thunderstorm...

Explanation: At the time I wrote this status, we were in the middle of an impressive thunderstorm. Where I live, the storms usually come across Philadelphia first, and all morning I was listening to the radio DJs talk about how scary this thunderstorm was. Sure enough, at around 8:15am, it started to get dark outside.

As it became more and more clear that we were going to be pounded by the storm, I decided to shut down my home desktop machine so I could unplug it. I've heard too many examples of machines getting fried during lightning storms and this was clearly going to be a biggie. So, I shut down my machine.

I should mention that I bought my machine in summer of 2005, which means it's about 4 years old. That makes it a senior citizen as far as computers go, and it shows, especially during startup and shutdown. Where the machine used to take a minute, it now takes five, or sometimes ten.

When I say "I shut down my machine" what I mean is that I clicked "Shut Down" in Windows. From there, picture the scene in Office Space where Peter is trying to get out of the office before Lumberg asks him to come in on the weekend... only instead of 30 seconds, it took 10 minutes. Every time I thought the machine was almost ready to shut down, another dialog popped up telling me that it was unable to close an application. Meanwhile, the weather radar looked like this:


Lightning is flashing every five seconds or so, Auntie Em is already in the storm cellar, and my freakin' computer won't finish shutting down.

Eventually I got the machine turned off and unplugged, but by that point it was sunny outside and the neighbors were all out surveying the damage. In the future I think I'll have to consult the local weather and shut it down the night before... or I can replace my desktop with a laptop. I'll have to think about that.

Recipe For Disaster

Recipe for disaster: The words "Hey, are you ticklish?" uttered near a man holding an 8 inch chef's knife.

Explanation: This weekend, I witnessed exactly this situation. A waiter was using an 8 inch chef's knife to cut a slice of cake on a dessert cart while a 6-year-old standing at his feet was asked if he was ticklish by a nearby family member. If you didn't know, an 8 inch chef's knife looks something like this:


It is a pretty imposing piece of cutlery. Taking the only reasonable action that an observant bystander in such a situation could take, I dialed 9-1-1 on my cell phone, put my thumb over the "Send" button, and ran out of the room as fast as I could. I don't know if the kid made it, but I was certainly spared a gruesome scene.

Gotta Love Canadians

Metric conversion: 1 yard = aboot 1 metre

Explanation: Not much of an explanation necessary. Any Canadian will give you this advice for free.

This reminds me of a computer course I took once. The instructor was unbelievably boring, and happened to be Canadian. Every once in a while, I'd wake from my coma to hear "aboot" or some other fun Canadian modification of a word. I started instant messaging the guy next to me with the words to "The Humpty Dance"...

Alright, stop what you're dooin!
'Cause I'm about to rooin,
The image and the style that you're used to.
I look funny,
But yo, I'm makin' money, see,
So yo world, I hope you're ready for me.
Now gather 'roond,
I'm the new fool in toon,
And my soond's laid doon by the Undergroond...

At which point he burst out laughing, interrupted the class, and had to leave the room to regain his composure. Good times!

Yes, I know Canadians don't sound quite like that, but it was still quite funny.

The Joys of Web Development

If IE6 and IE7 would ever agree on how a web page should look, I would be very appreciative.

Explanation: When developing web sites, there are three browsers I actually care about: Internet Explorer 6.0, Internet Explorer 7.0, and Firefox. (Sorry Mac users) Almost anything I do with layout looks different on at least one of those three browsers. Annoyingly, the odd browser out is almost always a Microsoft product. How can two releases of the SAME BROWSER be almost completely incompatible with each other? Damn you Microsoft!

2 B v ! 2 B

Two B's or not two B's?

Source: This was actually a question posed to me by my eye doctor. I had a follow-up appointment for my double vision issues yesterday, and one of the tests he does is create a double image for me (using lenses I look through) and then moving those images until my eyes can pull them together into one image. He could do this with any old image from the eye chart, but he appears to prefer using the letter B so he can make that joke. This is the second time he did it. It wasn't particularly funny, but I'm glad he keeps himself amused.

Score One For Ornithology!

I think the red-winged blackbird is quite appropriately named.

Explanation: This past weekend my wife and I brought our daughter to a new local park. Our county has made serious efforts over the past several years to create park space around a local river and this park is a result of those efforts. The park has several walking paths which weave around the grounds allowing you to observe the local wildlife. One path leads to a deck designed for observing the birds native to the area.

We got out onto that deck and spotted a beautiful black bird with bright red wings. An older gentleman, who had been sitting down on a bench there when we arrived, saw us point out the bird. He said, "that there is a red-winged blackbird." Then he made a few more comments about local birds and wandered off. Sure enough, later on we saw a sign that described the bird we saw as a red-winged blackbird. The ornithologists got one right!

You just wanted to say ornithologist, didn't you?

You're still here?

Yep. This is the last day of my "Evil Take Time." You are obviously bringing up birds so you can talk about bird flu, right?

Nope. I will, however, be sorry to see you go. It'll be lonely here without you.

You've been blogging for two years without me. You haven't sounded that lonely before. I think you'll manage.

Yeah, you're right, I'll manage. But once you're back home I have to be careful about using italics again. That's annoying.

Annoying you is part of our mission statement. So, can we talk about LEGOs now?

OH! I'm so proud of you! We sure can!!!

First of all, I'm going to have to ask you about your TPS reports...


Next, we have a great castle...


And we'll finish up today with a little Kiss.


Have fun back at your Evil home and remember, there's a little LEGO in all of us.

Lawn Theory 101

Four years in this house and I have yet to find a Hamiltonian circuit of the lawn. Curse you NP-completeness!

Explanation: In graph theory, a Hamiltonian circuit is a path that starts at a point in a graph, travels through all other points in the graph exactly once, and returns to the starting point. Determining whether such a path exists in a graph is an example of what's called an NP-complete problem, which means (among other things) that there is no known algorithm of polynomial time complexity for solving it. In other words, it's really hard.

Consider my lawn to be a collection of points, with each point connected to the points closest to it by an edge. Now it's no longer a lawn, it's a planar graph! Thus, we can apply graph theory, and the most efficient way to mow my lawn is the Hamiltonian circuit that starts (and ends) closest to my garage.

You know, for $30 a mow, you can just pay the local lawn guy to do it while you play computer games.

I really should be thinking of it as a Travelling Salesman Problem instead. In that case, I attach a weight to each of the edges in the graph (the length of the edge) and then solve for the shortest tour of the vertices. It's still an NP-complete problem, but now I not only mow each part of the lawn only once, I also travel a minimal distance in doing so. I can't solve it, but if I could it would give me a better answer.

You think about this stuff while vacuuming, too, don't you?

Yes. And mopping the floor. Mopping the floor is easier to visualize because the floor is neatly broken down in to tiles. It's more difficult, however, because you have to take into consideration that you can never stand in a place where you've already mopped.

This is why mathematicians never work as landscapers or housecleaners.

Interestingly, those jobs are often taken by immigrants who speak little or no English, and therefore have better communication skills than most math majors.

It kind of sucks the fun out of things when you make fun of yourself.

It sure does!

Can we talk about toasters now?

No.

Mr Mom

I am out of the office today playing Mr. Mom. Come back on Thursday for another exciting post!

Not-So-Long Weekend

This weekend went by faster than a shaved genetically modified rabbit-panther hybrid with turbines attached, driven by an over-caffeinated fighter pilot with a lead foot, all travelling down an icy ski jump in Switzerland, backed by an unusually strong tailwind under better than ideal conditions.

Source: No, I didn't make this up. For those of you who don't live in Comcast country, this is stolen from a particularly amusing commercial.

Explanation: While searching for this commercial online, I found a discussion forum where people were commenting on it. One commentor was upset because "there is no such thing as 'better than ideal conditions.'" He got to the "better than ideal conditions" before he questioned the plausibility of the scenario? Seriously? This is a Giant Nuclear Lizard situation, if ever I've heard one.

I agree. I spent the weekend attaching turbines to a genetically modified rabbit panther hybrid, but I couldn't find a place for the fighter pilot to sit.

You're really making the most of your "Evil Take Time," aren't you?

I sure am. Tonight I'm going to create a mutant strain of bird flu that only infects demon-infested commercial toasters.

That was actually a rhetorical question.

It'll infect them, too.

A Rhetorical Haiku, Of Course

Friday has arrived.
No rhetorical questions.
How will we go on?

Explanation: It's Haiku Friday! With Evil Jeremy out of town, what on earth will we do without Rhetorical Friday? How can we possibly start our weekend without this mainstay of our Friday routine? How could he do this to us?

Should I even dignify this drivel with a response?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Can we talk about toasters now?

No. I will, however, encourage you to check out this xkcd from the other day. It has nothing to do with toasters, but it was really funny.


Now, turn off your computer and get busy enjoying the unofficial start of summer. Have a wonderful long weekend, everybody! See you on Tuesday.

Just Tell Me, Bob!

It's been four seasons and I still have no idea how my mother knows Bob Saget.

Explanation: Season four of How I Met Your Mother has come and gone and I still have no idea how Bob Saget (the narrator) met my mother. How much longer do I have to wait, Bob? I have other things to do on Monday nights, you know. Jeez!

It's Thursday. Why aren't we talking about The Office?

You're still here? We don't talk about The Office on this blog because I do not watch it. I tried really hard to like it, but I just don't appreciate their style of humor. I'm sorry. This blog probably feels like some sort of Bizarro alternate universe to you. You know, kind of like France.

It's kind of like that, only there's less cheese here.

We don't have any blouse-wearing poodle-walkers here either.

Sure. You just keep thinking that.

Oh, I give up.

There! Now it feels exactly like France! Thank you!

Just for you, I did an internet search to see if there was anything out there involving both LEGOs and bird flu. There wasn't. BUT, there is a cool page about LEGO dimensions which includes the FLU, or fundamental LEGO unit. Good stuff.

Can we talk about toasters now?

I still have nothing about toasters per se, but maybe a LEGO waffle will brighten up your morning?

Double Your Vision, Double Your Fun

Mondays suck.
  Mondays suck.

Explanation: Yes, I know it's Wednesday. Before I continue, I should take a moment to introduce a special guest who I ran into at the post office over the weekend.

Is that my cue? Should I say something witty now?

Yes, that's right! On vacation from Evil Jeremy's blag, it's that guy who always talks in italics!

Technically, I'm not on vacation. It's called "Evil Take Time" and I get two weeks of evil time off at one-third the evil pay.

Wow, that sounds like a great deal. We at Jeremy's Status Message are happy that you're spending your extra time with us.

Well, the corporate email did suggest doing charity work...

Good, because you're not getting paid for this. Anyway, back to my story. This past Saturday, I started to feel like my vision was a little bit off. My eyes were both focusing fine individually, but when looking far to my left or right, I noticed that they weren't playing together as nicely as they should. On Sunday it got a little worse. By Monday, I was even seeing double at times. One particularly bad moment, I was trying to merge onto a busy highway. I could close one eye and see perfectly, but depth perception is pretty important when merging.

Today's status message is simply a visual representation of how I would have seen the words "Mondays suck" while also describing how the day went.

I saw a doctor. Apparently a nerve in my right eye isn't working properly. He ordered some lab tests and wants to see me again in two weeks, but in the meantime, should I have a double vision issue again he suggested that I simply close one eye.

Didn't you just say that you already knew that?

Yep. That was a hundred bucks well spent. Double vision sucks.

Well, at least your day wasn't a total waste - Didn't you mention something about seeing the Olsen twins?

It turned out to just be a parking meter.

Bummer. Hey, can we talk about toasters now?

Not now. Maybe tomorrow.

WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?

In an ironic twist of fate, my daughter has just now started to wear number 2 diapers.

Explanation: My little girl has moved up to the world of number 2 diapers. I think this is just hysterical, as the newborn and number 1 diapers certainly saw their fair share of "number twos." And yes, I'm joking about poop again.

Interesting Note: The number 2 diapers also come with Grover diapers. May [the diety of your choice] have mercy on his soul.

Special Blog Bonus: And with no further ado, I present the obligatory Austin Powers clip:

Fun With Television Casts

If I were shooting the old 90210 with the cast of Friends, I think I'd cast Gunther as David Silver.

Explanation: I was thinking (which is always dangerous) about a television show which has six main characters. As with many other shows in existence, those six characters consist of three men and three women. One male/female pair are siblings, but apart from them all of the other male/female pairs eventually are bound to have some sort of romantic involvement. Anyway, I feel like Friends and the original Beverly Hills 90210 both fall into this category, with Brenda/Brandon and Monica/Ross fulfilling the sibling roles. Naturally that led to pairing up the other characters.

I think Rachel and Jenny Garth's character (whose name escapes me) fit the same mold. That leaves Phoebe and Donna as the remaining women. Steve Sanders and Chandler are definitely the jokesters, which would leave Dylan and Joey as the womanizers. And then there's David Silver. He gets to be Gunther.

Now, if we were casting these shows with muppets... Well, I'll leave that up to you.

The Best

It's the return of the new and improved and I'm smooth, ain't nobody does it better, here's the proof.

Source: This is a line from The Best by 2 Skinnee J's. The chorus of the song then continues to lay out the details of the proof, which are quite elegant and simple, but unfortunately this space is not dope enough to contain it.

Special Blog Bonus: To balance this small post, I offer a link to a very large LEGO castle:

Strong Enough For a Man

I think my breakfast cereal might be PH-balanced for a woman.

Explanation: When my daughter was born, we spent several days in the hospital, as you might expect. After the craziness of childbirth, things settled down and I hit a point where I was desperately craving normal food again. For me, nothing is more normal than having a nice healthy bowl of cereal for breakfast. After touring the cafeteria, the best looking cereal they had was the Red Berries Special K, which has strawberries in it. It was quite tasty and really hit the spot. I decided to get some for home as well, so now we have several boxes of it.


Here's what I don't get. I don't recall them ever coming out and explicitly saying it, but I'm absolutely certain that Kellogg's considers Special K to be a women's cereal. So, I'm torn. I like the breakfast cereal, but I'm a bit uncomfortable that the back of the box explains how I can drop two dress sizes in just thirty days.

I'm also beginning to wonder about my Lady Speed Stick...

Price Check on Aisle 4

Does anyone know the SKU for a baby?

Explanation: It's Monday. I waited until noon so you all had a chance to wake up. Now I present you with an engineering problem.

My daughter turned three months old this weekend. Since she has no scheduled doctor's appointment this month, we do not know her weight. My home scale is digital, and only reports weights to a precision of 0.5 pounds. Furthermore, the scale isn't consistent enough to even guess her weight. I need another way to measure her weight.

My first (and perhaps easiest) idea is to take her to Wegman's and put her on a produce scale. As I do not know her SKU number, I would not be able to print a label for her. That would be tough to explain at checkout time.

After that, I'm at a loss. Without buying a new scale, how do I figure out her weight? Remember, I don't have the time to construct a giant balance. Any suggestions?

Friday Friday

I can't believe the name "Boutros Boutros" never caught on.

Explanation: Maybe I should start calling myself Jeremy Jeremy?

Yes, this is a late post. It's pretty out. I have work to do, and I just want to get out there and get my weekend started!

Now stop reading this blog and get outside! And while you're out there, mow my lawn.

Sunlight + Rain^2 = Growth

Our lawn is the only thing around here growing faster than my daughter.

Explanation: I thought my daughter was growing quickly. In less than two months, her bodyweight increased by 50%. That's pretty impressive in my book. She, however, has nothing on my lawn.

My yard (the back in particular) tends to be wet.* My normal rule of thumb is that I need two dry days in a row before I even bother trying to mow. Unfortunately, this time of year does not afford me two dry days in a row EVER. Just ask my poor grill, which hasn't been dry enough to cover for the past week. I'm thinking about going out there with a blow dryer. But I digress.

The lawn is now taller than any respectable homeowner's lawn should ever be, and yet it is still too wet out there to mow. Even worse is that the dandelions out there are growing twice as fast as the grass. In one week, since I last mowed, I have had a few dandelions grow to about a foot tall. At that rate, I think you could actually sit outside and see them growing. Give them some acne and a voice that cracks all the time and it would be just like looking back in time at myself in high school.

*Ironically, my daughter (the back in particular) also tends to be wet.

Feeny vs. Belding

It's no contest. Mr. Feeny is totally cooler than Mr. Belding.

Explanation: Seriously, it's no contest. I can sum it up in two words: Knight Rider. As we all know, William Daniels (Mr. Feeny on Boy Meets World) was the voice of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (K.I.T.T.). Mr. Belding, from Saved By the Bell, was not. End of argument. And THAT my friends is why I have this tattoo:


If you miss the 80's Knight Rider series, perhaps you should consider buying one of these.

Special Blog Bonus: Please accept the following video as an apology for yesterday's lack of a post. This is all over Facebook, but even if you've seen it once, it's still 18 minutes of fun.

Here are Nathan "Flutebox" Lee and Beardyman performing at Google, London:

Devolving Technology

"Hi Jeremy. I'm just calling to let you know that I got your email."

Source: This was a message I found on my answering machine this weekend. I emailed someone who was new to email and they responded by calling me to tell me that they received my email. I believe I should respond to the voicemail by mailing a card to say thank you for the voicemail in response to my email. They will, of course, respond via carrier pigeon, at which point I will get to choose whether to use the pony express or smoke signals in my response. Technology is just too confusing!

Important Note: Given the phone response to my email, I am just going to work under the assumption that my email recipient will never find this blog. Seems like a safe bet.

I Taught I Taw a Twitter Tweet

I don't know about you, but I find that one hundred and forty characters gives me just enough space to broadcast the mundane details of my l

Explanation: As the media's darling web site, Twitter's popularity appears to be skyrocketing. I am seriously considering expanding the Jeremy's Status Empire to Twitter. Should I do so, here's a sneak peak at some of the insightful and exciting content you could be receiving by staying abreast of my Tweets:

I just typed "staying abreast of my Tweets"

I'm bored.

Just changed a dirty diaper.

Just saw a funny commercial where a monkey tears up an office. Good stuff!

I'm tired.

That Monk cracks me up.

Just changed a dirty diaper.

I hate traffic.

Just changed a dirty diaper.

Dinner was good. I made fajitas on the grill.

Is it uncouth to tweet about poop?

I just said uncouth and poop in the same sentence.

Just changed a dirty diaper.

So Smart It Gets the Vowels For Free!

I am unveiling a breakthrough personal research project that holds the potential to infuse business and societal systems with unprecedented levels of intelligence: a new computing system that will compete with people at the game of Wheel of Fortune!

Explanation: As soon as I saw that IBM was planning on creating a Jeopardy! computer, I knew they were taking the easy road on this grand challenge-scale problem. Everyone knows Wheel of Fortune is where the big intelligence is at. My computing system will be able to derive words from complex puzzles with perplexing clues like "Before & After" and "Famous Person". In an effort to find suitable opposition for our computing system, we are currently in talks with some of the great Wheel champions of the past, like Mindy Holtzman, the homemaker from Des Moines, who raked in $12,000 and a trip to Hawaii.

We have thought out every detail of this project, right down to the 3.5 foot maximum height requirement, designed to make Pat Sajak look tall. Let the competition commence!

Special Readership Question: Would Double Dare have been funnier?

Giant Chipmunks!

Beware of the giant attack chipmunks!

Source: Well, really I just wanted an excuse to blog this picture:


One of the most frustrating things about being interested in both LEGOs and photography is that the internet provides so many examples of people who are vastly superior to me in both pursuits. I made the mistake of checking out my favorite LEGO blog the other day and I found this picture. Then, I compounded my mistake by checking out some other photos that this guy had taken (and his toy pictures, in particular). Aside from my jealousy over his tamed chipmunks, I was absolutely floored at the photos he created using his LEGO Castle Advent calendar.

Well, I can't beat him, so as I work on honing my LEGO skills, I suggest you go check out the cool stuff that he's done. Enjoy!

The Evil Midnight Bomber Revisited

An object at rest cannot be stopped!

Source: This is another quote from the Evil Midnight Bomber from the Tick cartoon series. (sound byte here)


Any bad guy who walks into the Superhero club with a bag labeled "Bombs" is cool in my book. Here's Arthur confronting him in the club.

Here are some more quotes:

And he says to me, he says to me, you got Style, baby! but if you're gonna to be a real villain you gotta get a gimmick…and so I go I says Yeah Baby! A gimmick, that's it! High Explosives! (sound byte here)

And so he says, I don't like the cut of your jib, and I go, I says it's the only jib I got, baby! (sound byte here)

You'll never prove a thing, copper, I'm just a part time electrician…bad is good, baby! Down with government! (sound byte here)

Allergy Season Gets Worse

Warning: Sneeze With Caution

Explanation: Now that it's late April here in New Jersey, spring is in the air, and by "spring" I mean "pollen." Allergy season is in full swing, I'm taking heavy doses of Zyrtec, and yet I'm still single-handedly keeping the tissue industry afloat in these difficult times. I did a lot of yard work this weekend, which means I inhaled lots of allergens, which means my body is reacting to them, which means I'm sneezing a lot.

In general, sneezing is not a bad thing. In general. Unfortunately, my daughter seems to startle pretty easily, and my sneezes are generally a little too loud for her taste. As a result, most of my sneezes are now greeted with shrieks of terror, followed by several minutes of sobbing.

I didn't think it was possible, but this officially makes my seasonal allergies even worse than they already were. I hate scaring her. My sneezing episodes now include a combination of sprints to a different room and the horrible implosion feeling that accompanies trying to hold one in. Not fun.

If you visit us with allergies, beware! And if you see me in the near future, now you know why I look guilty every time I sneeze.

I Am the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight!

I'm making gravy without the lumps! Ah ha hahahahaaaaaa!!!

Source: This is a quote by the Evil Midnight Bomber from the Tick cartoon series. Here's the sound byte.


Explanation: Some bad guys are evil geniouses. Some bad guys are raving lunatics. The Evil Midnight Bomber would fall into the latter category. Here are a few more quotes:

Boom Baby Boom! I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight! (sound byte)

So he says to me, you gotta do something smart, baby, something big! He says you want to be a supervillain, right, and I go yeah baby, yeah yeah! What do I gotta do? He says you got bombs, blow up the Comet Club, it's packed with superheroes…you'll go down in supervillain history and I go Yeah baby 'cause I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight!!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! (sound byte)

I'm Udderly Thrilled!

I have LEGO cows!

Explanation: I finally got myself the LEGO Medieval Market Village, complete with LEGO cows! I'm very excited about this. Of course, my daughter will probably be in school by the time I have enough free time to put it together, but that's not important. The LEGO cows are in my possession!

Special Blog Bonus: I finally caught up on my LEGO news. Here are some pretty slick models I've found:

• I'm generally not into mechs (or whatever they call LEGO robot type thingies), but this model impressed me. Wish I could build like that... or had the time to try.
• There seems to be a LEGO genre where a dark force is taking over the world. I've seen several models of this sort, but this one is my favorite by far.
• This model is just a good old-fashioned castle, complete with the wood-on-stone buildings that I like so much.
• And finally, this is just an impressive little piece of LEGO architecture.

Shawshank You Very Much

I'm Tommy, the new guy. I'm always happy! I know who killed your wife. Isn't that crappy?

Source: This JibJab video, which presents the Shawshank Redemption in about a minute:



Special thanks to Evil Jeremy for sending me this clip.

BOGO Revisited

Buy one pair of shoes, get one half off is not BOGO.

Explanation: I know I've talked about BOGO and BOGOHO before, but I'm still seeing annoying advertisements, so I'm still going to complain about it. There is a local shoe retailer advertising their BOGO spectacular, where you can buy one pair of shoes and get one pair half off. This is NOT a BOGO offer. Ordinarily, I'd say it's a BOGOHO - buy one get one half off, but it isn't even that! It's buy one pair, get one pair half off. That's BOPGOPHO. To simplify, you're buying three shoes and getting one for free. It's a BTGO sale. Of course, BTGO is hard to pronounce, and since the shoes are priced as pairs, it's a little misleading. Luckily, I'm not much of a shoe shopper, so I probably won't be partaking in this misleading little sale of theirs.

You're So Mormoney and You Don't Even Know It

Dear Utah,

Please be careful with my money.

Love,
Jeremy

Explanation: The exciting financial events in my daughter's life just keep rolling by. First we received her birth certificate. Then her Social Security number. And now, thanks to a long morning nap on Saturday, I have opened her 529 college savings account! Woo-hoo! I've never been more proud of my little tax deduction.

If you've never looked into 529 accounts, they are pretty simple in theory. You open a tax-deferred investment account to save for college. Each state has a plan (or several plans). Some state plans offer a tax deduction on contributions by their residents. New Jersey does not. So there you go. I just had to pick a plan and open an account.

The problem is this. If your state plan does not offer benefits that make it the obvious choice, you then have to pick from over a hundred plans. Each plan charges differently - some have annual fees that are either fixed or percentages, some charge management fees, and of course there are the fees built into whatever fund you invest in. It's not just comparing apples and oranges - you're comparing a whole basket of fruit. It isn't pretty.

After over an hour of research, trying to find the perfect plan, I settled on Utah. It may not be right for everyone, but I figured it was the best choice for us. So there you go. My daughter's education hopes rest with the great state of Utah. Don't let us down Utah. We need you to come through for us.

Mixed Emotions

I'm happy! No, wait, I'm sad. Wait - happy again. PUSH! PUSH! Nope, definitely miserable. Miserably happy. No, I think I'm angry. Or happy. I can't decide.

Explanation: My daughter can now smile. It's way cool and it makes Sarah and me quite happy when she smiles at us. The smiles, however, don't always come at appropriate times. Sometimes she's clearly in a good mood. Sometimes she's in the middle of doing some "work" (if you know what I mean). Sometimes they just come out of nowhere.

Yesterday morning was a prime example. Kari had just woken up, so she had a full agenda ahead of her: being happy to be alive, loving her parents, loudly requesting a meal, and waging war on some poor Sesame Street character. Unfortunately, her ability to prioritize isn't quite there yet, so she just took care of everything at once. This led to two minutes of smiles interspersed with screaming, crying, "pushing," and angry faces.

We, of course, reacted to this like any concerned parents would. We laughed hysterically at her.

The Battle Wages On

Sorry, Ernie, but you lost. Let's see how Elmo fares.

Explanation: There is a constant battle being waged in our household. It happens all day, every day. It is an epic struggle, and while it is interesting from a distance, on the front lines it is more scary than you could possibly imagine. In a seemingly neverending line, the brave warriors set off, one by one, to face the gravest of dangers all alone. Some emerge with only minor wounds. Some are brutally defeated. None ever returns.

You see, Pampers has a contract with Sesame Street to put their characters on the front of diapers. Those pour souls must do battle with the most foul creations my daughter can muster. Believe me, they are foul. The victorious do not emerge unscathed, they merely contain the damage to the battlefield. The defeated are not so lucky. This morning Ernie lost an epic battle in which several innocent articles of clothing perished as well. Collateral damage from a devastating war. Elmo has been faring well lately. Big Bird has seen mixed results. Cookie Monster? Not good. One thing is certain: My daughter never loses.

The Tax Man is Cometh-ing

This is your friendly reminder to pay your taxes early and often today.

Explanation: Today is tax day! It's that special time of the year when the tax man comes down your chimney and takes presents out of the pockets of all the good little boys and girls. Ironically, the bad little boys and girls get to keep everything in their pockets, but will most likely face the music someday when they're appointed to Cabinet posts.

This is a great day for those of us who have already paid our taxes, and a terrible day for those of us who haven't. I happen to fall into the first camp, which is why I have time to write this blog entry instead of pulling my hair out in front of a pile of paperwork. Normally, I like to get my taxes done as early as possible, but Daddy's little tax deduction made that difficult this year. In fact, I probably still wouldn't have them done if it weren't for a well-timed three hour nap by said tax deduction on a Saturday morning - a rarity in our house.

If you have finished your taxes, join me in the celebration! If you haven't, what are you doing reading this? OK, fine, just file for an extension and join the party, too!

Buying Vowels

"Yes, I'd like to buy a vowel please."

Explanation: My wife and I were out shopping one day in Pottery Barn for Kids, looking to use some store credit we have there. On the back wall, with a big "SALE" sign were wooden letters you can use for decorating your child's room. They had two kinds, big and small, and we decided the small ones, which were red, would match our daughter's room. As an added bonus, the small ones were on sale, which is always important at a store where everything is twice as expensive as it ought to be.

We walked up to the counter and asked the clerk how we would go about getting our daughter's name in those letters. She told us we could certainly get those letters, but they were completely out of vowels, which was why they were on sale. She did, however, suggest we go to A.C. Moore, who has similar wooden letters which you can paint yourself. My wife did that and they look great. The whole ordeal would have been easier if we had just given her a name with no vowels. Next time we'll know better.

Contest Results: The official weighing was performed at lunch time yesterday and our daughter weighs 10 pounds and 2 ounces! I was guessing nine and a half. Thank you all for your entries. As none of you have the anatomy necessary to feed my daughter, though, you are all disqualified and the winner is my wife! Congratulations, honey! Enjoy your 3am feeding!

A Monday Contest

Guess my daughter's current weight! Winner wins an all-expense paid vacation to the 3am feeding of your choice!

Explanation: Yes, it's a Monday contest on the blog! My daughter has her two-month checkup this afternoon, where she will be weighed for the first time in a month. If you can guess the closest to her current weight, you will win an all-expense paid vacation to the 3am feeding of your choice! That's right - you can experience the joy and splendor of waking up at three o'clock in the morning to the sound of a crying baby. Change your very own diaper! Try for over an hour to get the little girl back to sleep, knowing that the minute you put her down in the crib, she'll just wake up again! This fabulous prize can be yours if... the weight is right!

Finally, A Post

Remember, past performance is not an indication of future results.

Explanation: This may be the golden rule of being the parent of a newborn child. Not only do we not have a schedule in our house, but every time I think we have a schedule, it changes on me. Let's hope the same holds true for the stock market, huh?

In Case You Care: The answer to last week's math problem is (x-1)(y-1) - 1. So, for x=5 and y=11, the biggest number that cannot be made out of 5's and 11's is 4*10-1 = 39. Sure enough, if you consider the numbers that can be made from 5's and 11's, the list looks like this:

0 = 5*0 + 11*0
5 = 5*1 + 11*0
10 = 5*2 + 11*0
11 = 5*0 + 11*1
15 = 5*3 + 11*0
16 = 5*1 + 11*1
20 = 5*4 + 11*0
21 = 5*2 + 11*1
22 = 5*0 + 11*2
25 = 5*5 + 11*0
26 = 5*3 + 11*1
27 = 5*1 + 11*2
30 = 5*6 + 11*0
31 = 5*4 + 11*1
32 = 5*2 + 11*2
33 = 5*0 + 11*3
35 = 5*7 + 11*0
36 = 5*5 + 11*1
37 = 5*3 + 11*2
38 = 5*1 + 11*3
40 = 5*8 + 11*0
41 = 5*6 + 11*1
42 = 5*4 + 11*2
43 = 5*2 + 11*3
44 = 5*0 + 11*4

At this point, we have reached a string of five consecutive numbers (our x), which means we can make all numbers greater than that by simply adding multiples of 5 to 40, 41, 42, 43, or 44.

As I can't remember enough number theory to write a proof here, I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

Sorry for the missing post yesterday and the late one today - it has been a busy week for me.

Famous Last Words

"I'll just leave the grill cover off for the night. It's nice out, there's no way it could rain."

Explanation: I used my grill last night! Last week, my wife was kind enough to go pick up propane for me (while I watched the little one) and I've been itching to grill since then. The first two times it was raining or looked like rain, so I didn't bother. Then we finally got a nice day, only to discover that the burger meat in the fridge was way past its due date. Yesterday everything finally was on the same page and I made burgers.

When the grill was done, I turned everything off, but it was still quite hot, so I just left the cover off it for the evening. As night rolled around, I thought today's status message to myself and figured I'd just cover the grill in the morning.

Of course, at like 4:00 this morning, I awoke to thunder and POURING rain, at which point I cursed my meteorological optimism... and then went back to sleep. I'm beginning to think my grill has somehow offended nature.

Volleyball Update

We won in four games and nobody got hurt.

Explanation: As you may recall, two weeks ago, I played a volleyball match very aggressively against a very nice team because two players on a completely different team had really ticked me off. Well, last night we played the team I don't particularly love. I am happy to report that we won the match in four games. I will also report, neither happily nor sadly, that nobody got hit in the face with a volleyball.

On the bright side, nobody on our team got hurt, which is important considering that three weeks ago we lost 3 players in one game due to injuries. For the record, my teammate who elbowed another teammate in the face was still able to play. Anyway, we're still tied for first in spite of our forfeit last week. The playoffs start soon!

Follow Up From Yesterday: I have derived a formula to answer yesterday's math question, but I would like to take some time to try to prove it before sharing. For those of you who were still hoping to play with this problem, you have an extension. Good luck!

Math Makes Me Happy!

If x and y are relatively prime positive integers, what is the greatest value z such that there do not exist integers A and B (>=0) to make the equation Ax + By = z true?

Explanation: I think the explanation of this status will perhaps be more disturbing than the actual message. Then again, if you're a returning visitor to this blog, you probably already know how disturbed I am.

There is a game I play on Facebook in which (among other things) you have an allotment of energy with which to do jobs. The jobs each have an energy cost associated with them. So, let's say you have 20 energy and there are jobs that require 1 energy, 5 energy, and 6 energy. You can do 20 of the first job, or 4 of the second job, or 3 of the third job (with 2 energy left over, perhaps to do the first job twice as well). That part is pretty simple.

There is also a feature called an "energy boost" which will automatically refill your energy AND gives you 25% more on top of that. Because the energy boost refills your energy for free, it is beneficial to use all of your energy up before you apply the energy boost. For example, if you have 4 energy points left (with a max of 20) and you apply the energy boost, you end up with 25 energy points, with a net gain of 21 points. If you use the 4 energy points before applying the energy boost, you go from 0 to 25, netting you 25 points. The less energy you have, the more you benefit from the energy boost.

From this logic arose some interesting situations. If I have an energy boost available and I still have 137 out of 150 possible energy points, how do I break down the jobs I can do such that I end up with 0 energy. It's not as easy to compute when your jobs take 5, 8, 13, 22, and 27 energy. So I started to wonder...

Can I know without a doubt that, if my energy total is high enough, it is possible to get down to 0 before I start to do my jobs? I figured I'd start with the case where only two jobs are available. Clearly, the job costs have to be relatively prime. If they weren't, 4 and 6 for example, then number that isn't a multiple of their shared factor (odd numbers in this case) would leave a remainder.

I started to do the math and found a neat little formula that tells me without a doubt that if an energy total is above a certain level, I am guaranteed to be able to zero out my energy using relatively prime job costs. I'm not sure why it works yet, but I know I found the solution.

Can you find an answer? Can you tell me why it works? I'm almost certain there's a fundamental theorem in number theory lying around which covers this, but I haven't the time to look it up right now. Do you think Euler had to interrupt his work to change diapers? I think not.

My Little Sleeper

She did it! Kari slept through the night!

Explanation: Only seven weeks into her life and my little girl slept all the way through the night last night! After never having gone more than 6 hours between feedings (and even that was rare) she slept for ten straight hours and WOKE UP PLEASANTLY! It's a miracle! I'm so well-rested I can't even explain it to you. What a wonderful glorious day this is! Wait, let me write this date down so I can remember it and commemmorate the occasion: "April 1, 2009."

April Fools! OK, so maybe she only slept for 3 hours at a time last night. The important thing is, I'm awake enough to be aware of what day it is. That's something!

The Karmarang Always Comes Back To You

Usually karma takes a little longer to catch up to me.

Explanation: One week ago, a friend of mine was complaining about how his hot water heater was a piece of crap. He has complained about this hot water heater before, and I know he's had issues with it. Why? Because I happen to have sold him his townhouse.

Knowing that I managed to avoid all (or at least most) of the hot water heater issues in that townhouse, I grinned just the slightest bit when I saw he was having trouble with it again. Big mistake. Karma took the express train to Jeremyville.

Yesterday, my wife went to get something out of the downstairs closet and noticed that the floor was wet. Why was the floor wet, you ask? Because our hot water heater happens to be in that closet as well. The water was the equivalent of blood to a household appliance - after many years, it had given up the fight and had to be put down.

So, within one week of cracking the slightest bit of a grin, I had to replace my hot water heater. Beware of karma!

Special Blog Bonus: For those of you who enjoy just a little bit more of my misery, I should also point out that I had originally gotten all of that Sears credit late last year in case one of our major appliances died. Then, when the economy turned sour, I feared for the health of Sears and started using the credit on other things. Little did I know.

Extra @$&%ing Special Blog Bonus: For those of you who just can't get enough of my misery, there's more! Just last month I joined the PSE&G WorryFree Repair program in case such a disaster occurred. Sure enough, after spending only $8.10 in the program (the equivalent of kicking the bucket immediately after getting a large life insurance policy) I was thrilled to find out that we needed to utilize their services. Turns out that $8.10 covered the cost of a PSE&G guy coming to our house and saying "You need a new water heater and your contract does not cover that." Money well spent!

Hooray for Spit-Up!

It's official. Every single piece of clothing that I own now has spit-up on it.

Source: Last night it finally happened. I was holding my daughter and realized that the shirt I was wearing was the last article of clothing I own that hadn't been spit-up on. (The warm-up pants I was wearing had fallen from those ranks only a few hours beforehand.)

Congratulations to that T-shirt. For about 3 hours it stood head and shoulders above the rest of my clothing as the only spit-up free garment I owned. It was a glorious reign, which came screeching to a halt about 2 minutes later as a result of a rather impressive little burp. I think I'll just wear a poncho from now on.

On a side note, I'd just like to mention that people keep telling me this the "potted plant" stage of a child's life. Now that I think about it, most potted plants will take all the water you give them, only to leak any they don't need.

Home Sweet Home

The free donuts are less plentiful here at home.

Explanation: Having gotten home at 9pm last night, I've noticed some subtle differences from Poughkeepsie. First of all, when I got home I took the baby, who slept on me until 2am. This means I only got 6 hours of sleep last night, which is in stark contrast to the nine and a half I got on Wednesday night. Of course, I also got to hold my baby, which pretty much makes that a wash. This brings me to the dealbreaker...

There are no free donuts here! In Poughkeepsie, there were free donuts. I had one. It had chocolate frosting and sprinkles on it. It was very good. I could have had more, but I passed so it wouldn't ruin my healthy Wendy's lunch. How am I supposed to function as an employee without free donuts? This is terrible!

Important News Update: In case you were wondering, I got 48 basketball games into the tournament before my bracket went under. After my Sweet 14 put me in a prime stalking position (61st, with tremendous upside potential) I was blown out of the water last night, losing 3 of the 4 games. I will now root for upsets so everyone else's pool gets screwed over. For those of you who haven't been following the mainstream media's take on this, that means I will be rooting "against the chalk." I don't know why I have to be anti-chalk, but I am. Go whiteboards!

Working From Work

Vacationing in scenic Poughkeepsie.

Explanation: I woke up at 5:00 this morning and thought long and hard about where I would go for my next vacation. Of all the wonderful places that came to mind, I chose Poughkeepsie. So, I drove here. I just can't get enough of the lovely fjords and the majestic moose up here.

Wow. Just Wow.

Barack Obama. Spam. Surgery. Mucous Plug. Dog License. 'Nuff said.

Explanation: You're probably wondering what on earth these things have to do with each other. In fact, you're probably wondering what a mucous plug is, too. Three months ago, I had no idea what a mucous plug was and frankly, I think I was better off not knowing.

A few nights ago, I happened to wake up to my daughter crying at an odd hour of the night. I couldn't fall back asleep while my wife fed her, so I volunteered to put the baby down while Sarah got some much-needed sleep. Of course, most of that story is unimportant. The important part is that I awoke from a dead sleep, which means that I was smack dab in the middle of a very interesting dream. I got up and walked immediately to my computer, where I wrote the following sentence:

"I just dreamed that in order to get a dog license, Obama required a double surgical procedure to have his mucous plug removed, which involved implanting and then removing Spam from his chest cavity."

In the dream, I needed a dog license and had just learned that I had to undergo the same procedure in order to make it happen. Of course, the only mucous plug I actually know of is A) not in men and B) not in the chest, but that's not important. Plus, I don't know much about surgical Spam implantation, but I'm not really up on leading edge procedures.

I'm not even going to try to analyze this. You can. Enjoy!

Yo Canada

O Canada! Our home and native land! True something something something command...

Source: These are the words to the Canadian national anthem as I know them. Yes, you may be as shocked as I was to learn that the home of Bryan Adams is actually it's own country, but it's true.

Explanation: My house has a gimmicky doorbell. It has 25 different musical options, none of which are described using the word "doorbell." Approximately ten of those options are Christmas-related. Then there are the other fun options like Hava Nagila and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Being the musical genius that I am, we were in the house for about two years before I realized that O Tannenbaum was actually a seasonal ring and that I could change it.

Anyway, my cousins came to visit yesterday and my cousin Phil was tinkering with the doorbell. Now it plays O Canada, which I think might be perplexing to our future visitors. I also think the odds are pretty high that it'll still be our "ring tone" the next time he comes to visit. Fun stuff!

In NCAA Tournament Pool Action, Because I Know You Care: I have 14 of the Sweet 16 and have only lost one Elite Eight team (Thanks, Marquette). In many years, this would be an amazing feat, but this year it didn't get me very far. I'm currently in 60th place out of 151 entries. As usual, I am actually doing worse than I would have if I had chosen only the higher seeds.

"Jerk" Wasn't My Word of Choice

Universal Rule of Volleyball #12: If somebody fetches an errant ball for you and you do not say "Thank you," you are a jerk.

Explanation: For years and years, having seen hundreds of volleyball players and having shagged thousands of misplayed volleyballs, it has always, ALWAYS ticked me off when I go out of my way to help them and they don't thank me.

In my Thursday night volleyball league last night, two players on one particular team did just that. I have never liked the sportsmanship of their team to begin with, and they confirmed my suspicions by just taking the ball I tossed back to them and going back to what they were doing, completely ignoring me. Later in the night, they finished their match quicker than we did and were playing pick-up on the court next to our game. Again, on several occasions, their pick-up game interfered with our league game and again, on several occasions, they did not apologize in any way for it.

So, in our match last night, I played like a man possessed, hitting the ball like I did when I was 23, almost killing several innocent players on the team we were playing, all because I was angry at the team we play in two weeks. And for the next two weeks, I will be frothing at the mouth, ready to destroy those jerks when they're on the other side of the net.

Sorry!

Today's status message has been canceled so Jeremy could make his basketball picks. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Camera Envy

I don't care what it actually does. I'm just upset because it's ten better than mine.

Explanation: Today is my cousin's birthday. To protect her identity, I will simply refer to her as Lisa R. Lisa R was gushing on Facebook the other day about how her loving boyfriend (we'll just call him Zach G) gave her a Nikon D60 for her birthday. It was very nice of Zach G to give her such a wonderful gift. I'm glad she's so happy and I'm glad he got her something that made her so happy.

HOWEVER, I am NOT glad that she now has a Nikon D60, while I have a Nikon D50. My Nikon D50 was the entry-level digital SLR that Nikon offered a few years back. When I purchased it, the next model up was the D70. I researched quite a bit and came to the conclusion that the D50 was the best camera for me at the time. I was happy with it at the time, and I still love it to this day.

Lisa R now owns a D60. THAT'S TEN BETTER THAN MY CAMERA! I have no idea what the features are. Frankly, it might not even be a digital SLR. If the folks at Nikon know anything, then it probably is, but I'm not checking online to verify that. Regardless of what it actually is, the present has to be better than mine. Ten better, to be precise. What could possibly make it ten better? I can only imagine. Three dimensional holographic imaging? High definition video recording? The ability to play Blue Ray DVDs? An optional D-Fit package for working out at home?

It's killing me! I think it's time to buy a D61.

Happy House of Pain Day!

Jump around! Jump around! Jump up, jump up, and get down!

Source: My favorite Irishmen, House of Pain.


Explanation: Yes, I said House of Pain. I know half of you are screaming "What about U2?" at your monitors right now. Just take a moment to compose yourselves...

... And now I can continue. Just admit it. House of Pain is the most Irish band EVER. One of their members is named Danny Boy for [your diety of choice]'s sake. They feature such songs as Shamrocks and Shenanigans and Top o' the Morning to Ya. They have such wonderful lyrics as:

I'm Irish but I'm not a leprechaun. You wanna fight? Then step up and we'll get it on.

What's up with that brew, man? Hurry up and finish. Then grab the barmaid and order me another Guinness.

Put on your [expletive deleted]kickers and kick some [expletive deleted].

So there you have it. In honor of St. Patty's Day I will be listening to House of Pain all day.

Interesting Note: St. Patrick's day concludes one of the busiest holiday stretches I can think of. First, 3/14 is Pi day, a huge day for irrational folks everywhere. That's followed by the Ides of March, THE holiday for the dead emporers in your life. Then comes 3/16, which doesn't have a holiday, but it's probably big for Van Halen fans and people named John who hold signs at baseball games. Then you top it all off with green beer! What a week!

Wait, They Played Basketball This Year?

So, do I pick by uniform color this year, or just stick to my trusty coin flip?

Explanation: Ah, the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament is upon us. Apparently, even when I have a kid the colleges have the nerve to continue playing basketball games. As a result, I have the following working against me in this year's pool:

• I watched a total of about 20 minutes of basketball this season. That includes the end of the Virginia Tech game where they beat Wake, parts of the Virginia Tech game where they lost to Duke, and the end of Syracuse's Big East Semifinal game where they played a measly single overtime period against West Virginia.
• I don't trust my decision-making abilities right now, as my sleep patterns are not quite what they once were.
• I can't make my picks while pacing the floors and making shushing sounds, which seems to be how I spend most of my free time these days.

In conclusion, I know nothing about this year's college basketball season and I have neither the time nor the energy to make picks. And yet, I feel obligated to, given my recent victory in this very basketball pool. So, I'm looking for suggestions on how to make my picks.

The coin has proven quite amusing in past years. Do I go with that tried and true method, or should I try something new? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Friday Quickie

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

Source: Steven Wright

Since I was so late posting yesterday's status, I'll let you enjoy that and just give you a Steven Wright quickie today. What? That's not enough? Fine. Here are a couple more from Mr. Wright.

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"It's a small word, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

And here's a little something special of my very own:

6f nb/, nn bmhhhhhhhhhhhhyjjjjjjjjjj4567890wswerjkop[]\zsxdfghjkl;'
v b n m

Interpretive poetry? Nope. I accidentally just used my cereal spoon as a catapult, launching milk and cereal into my keyboard. That's what my text window said when I was done cleaning the mess up. And on that note, I think it's time to take a break until Monday. Have a great weekend!

A Few Feet Away...

I used to be very close to my feet, but we grew apart.

Explanation: When I was young, my feet and I were very close. We had lots of fun together and didn't have a care in the world. I see how close my daughter is with her feet, and I remember those times fondly. They were happy feet, and I was happy to be so close to them. As time went on, we just grew apart. I don't know why, it just sort of happened. Then, midway through high school, my feet went and moved far away from me. Much farther than anyone's feet should ever be from them. I don't know why. Perhaps they were upset that I was playing too much basketball and soccer? They were certainly taking a beating, but I didn't think they were that upset. Now they live very far away from me and I rarely see them anymore. It's really quite sad.

Hans Gruber Was a Clever Dude

You ask for miracles? I give you the F-B-I.

Source: The one and only Hans Gruber, of course.

Explanation: I was helping Hans out on a job back around Christmas of 1987 at the new Nakatomi plaza, where the Nakatomi corporation was holding their annual Christmas party. We bust into this new building with the intent of stealing the $640 million in German bearer bonds they have in their vault. We couldn't get the password from the Nakatomi executive, Joe Takagi, so Joe had to go and we started drilling the puppy instead. I got all the way through to the last layer of security: an electromagnetic lock, but thought it would take a miracle to get through it. Then the FBI takes over the crime scene, cutting the power to the building and getting us into the vault. Hans drops this gem on me when it goes down. Man, that guy was clever. Unfortunately, during our exit strategy, I was detained by a limo driver named Argyle and Hans departed the building from about 31 floors higher than he intended to. Good times!

Special Blog Bonus: And now for twelve minutes of fun. Watch as LEGO minifigs assemble the Millenium Falcon all by themselves:

Hepatitis B: One Down, Two to Go

It's really not fair when the needle is as long as your leg is thick.

Explanation: Yesterday my daughter had her one-month checkup at the doctor's office. The most notable part of this whole experience was the Hepatitis B booster my poor little girl had to get. This is the first time we've seen her get a shot. For somebody with only one word, she certainly made it clear that she did not like getting stuck with the needle. As an interested observer, it was amazing to see her reaction to it. It is now very clear that she's never been in serious physical pain - her shreik when she got the shot was unlike anything I've heard from her before.

Of course, as a dad I never want to hear that sound again, and I'm still upset that I had to hear it once. In fact, I think I'll put my "interested observer" hat* back on.

*And yes, if you felt so inclined you could certainly liken an "interested observer" hat on a dad to a party hat on a Mouse DeathBot.

Virtual Mouse Hunting

When placed onto a DeathBot, this party hat spices things up!

Source: The oh-so-addictive Facebook game Mousehunt.

Explanation: In Mousehunt you work your way through the land of Gnawnia, setting traps and catching the various breeds of mice there. Over time you earn enough gold to buy bigger and better traps. You also gain more experience and discover other lands in which to hunt. Throw in potions, loot, and the ability to craft your own traps and cheese and it's a pretty darn cool game. With my expansive mouse hunting experience, you can see why might enjoy such a game.

Anyway, one of the traps that's available is called the Mouse DeathBot. As you can imagine, it's a pretty imposing looking thing, with missiles, blades, guns, and such. It can do quite a bit of damage to a mouse. This past week, the game ran a promotion to celebrate their first birthday, and when you caught special Birthday Mice, you earned gifts. One of the gifts I found was a party hat, which came with the description I used for my status today. Intrigued, I bought myself a Mouse DeathBot, broke it down and rebuilt it with the party hat. The result? A PartyBot!


I have to say, they're right. The party hat really does spice things up!

Haiku Friday Reunion Tour!

I feel haiku-ey.
Which is better than flu-ey.
I guess that's something.

Explanation: Haiku Friday is back on it's once-in-a-lifetime reunion tour! See all of your favorites in one final performance! All of the original members will be there! See 5 take a break from his solo career! See 7 clean and sober for the first time ever! And ladies, straight from the cover of G.Q., the one, the only, 5 will be there as well! Buy tickets now! This is your FINAL chance to see Haiku Friday*.

And there you go. I have resorted to forming haikus from made-up words. You should try it. In fact, it's Friday. You should. Just post a comment with a haiku. Two requirements:

1) 5-7-5
2) Use a made-up word.

Let's see what you've got readership!

*Until the not-yet-announced We Ran Out of Money From the Last Reunion Tour tour.

Starbursts + Math = Fun

Most people just eat the candy. Me? I do the math.

Explanation: Not so long ago, I was eating from a box of Starbursts. While not a huge fan of candy, I seem to have a bit of a weakness for their chewy goodness. Anyway, the Starbursts were individually wrapped and inside a box, so I could reach in and just grab a bunch. My normal Starburst eating style is to grab 4 or 5, vow that I'll stop after those, and repeat until the box is empty.

At one point, I took 4 Starbursts out and they were all red. As the red ones are my favorites, I didn't have much of a complaint, but I did notice how unusual it seemed that all four were red. Most people would stop there, but me? I did the math.

Embarrassingly, I had to look to see how many varieties of Starburst were in the box. The answer was five: red, pink, yellow, orange, and green. Furthermore, I assumed that I would have been impressed to pick any four of the same color, not just reds. That means the probability of this occurrence was really just the probability that I picked four Starbursts, where the color of one didn't matter and the color of the other three were the same as the first.*

From there, the math was straightforward. Five to the third power is 125, so the probability was 1/125, or 0.8%. Not inconceivable odds, but not very likely either. I then ate my little math project.

*People tend not to consider this assumption, but it is quite important. For instance, you may look at a family with four daughters and say that it's amazing because the probability that all four children were girls is 1/16, or 6.25%. In reality, though, you would have thought the same thing about four boys. The probability you would be computing is NOT the probability that there would be four girls, it's the probability that you'd be amazed by the genders of the four children. The probability that four kids are all the same sex is just 1/8 or 12.5%. I once demonstrated this to somebody by flipping a coin three times. The coin came up heads all three times. Admittedly, my demonstration could have gone worse, but luckily, it was a friendly coin.**

**Yes, I just said "luckily" in a post about probability. Deal with it.

Investment Advice

I just realized that accidentally dropping change behind my dresser is an investment strategy that has beaten Wall Street over the past several years.

Explanation: Yes, it's true. Don't believe it? Maybe this simple graph will help:


As you can see, my "change behind the dresser" scheme is a winning investment strategy.

As free advice to our readers, we at Jeremy's Status Message would like to suggest several other sound investment strategies in today's market:

• Put your money in holes in your backyard. Keep an eye out for squirrels trying to eat away at your investments.
• Keep your money under your mattress. We suggest you only do this with bills, as change can lead to an annoying jingling sound every time you lay down.
• Drop your money in that crack between your carseat and center console that you just can't get your hand into no matter how hard you try.
• Invest heavily in your favorite status message blog!
• Burn money in your fireplace. Believe it or not, this is safer than investing in most major banks right now.
• Please do allow ousted Nigerian politician access to your account of banking. They will deposit $10,000,000 American in there for safe keeping. You can trust them.
• Spend, spend, spend until there's no more money left to lose. This is a great strategy, as you will most certainly be able to get an iPhone out of it.
• Invest heavily in frozen concentrated orange juice futures. Trust us, we have a good feeling about this year's crop report.

A Short Cultural Lesson

In case you're wondering, Bosnians don't differentiate between desks and tables.

Explanation: In almost 10 years of studying the Bosnian people*, this was one of the interesting facts I have discovered. They do not have words for "desk" and "table." They only have a single word that covers both. Imagine if you would, living in a world where the two were interchangeable. Oh the horror! Would Spamalot be nearly as funny if it featured the Knights of the Round Desk? Could we get our passwords reset faster at work if we called the Help Table? Would college have been nearly as fun with beer pong desks? (I think maybe more fun, actually) Yes, we have much to learn from this fascinating little civilization of theirs.

Stay tuned for future posts as we discuss other fascinating rituals of the Bosnian culture, including the 13-egg cake, running on ice, and of course, the rolling of the five pound plate across the gym floor.

*Admittedly, my sample size of the Bosnian people was 1, but it's a small country, so I'm thinking that's enough.

Snow Day? No Day!

Three-week-olds just don't appreciate the snow like they should.

Explanation: It's a snow day! My wife's school is cancelled, which would matter if she wasn't on maternity leave. It might effect me if I didn't work out of the house. That leaves my little girl. We took her out to play in the first snow of her life and she just sunk to the bottom and fell asleep in it. Pretty sad.

OK, so our daughter didn't actually get to see the snow up close, but she does seem to have a very strong grasp on the concept of "Monday." The absolute highlight of last night was perhaps the most disgusting experience I've had since becoming a father. Let's just say that (among other things) it dirtied a wall 3 feet away and we'll leave it at that.

Special Blog Bonus: Moving on to more entertaining subject matter, here's a LEGO temple hosting the sacrifice of a poor young woman:


And yes, if you were wondering that is indeed a Princess Leia torso. That's pretty much a trademark of this artist. You can see more of his stuff here. I strongly suggest you page through his photostream a bit. Some of his castle models are just insane.